Line Of Fate

Spoiler

This is my first ever attempt at a poem.

Walking down the line
What's gonna be my fate?

Thinking it's all fine
I'm going to have food on my plate?

I might earn a dime
It is as easy as finding a date?

I might commit a crime
Might I steal a crate?

My tree might grow a lime
Or will the winter show it's hate?

It could all change with time.
Will I marry Kate?

My smile started growing slowly as I read this. At a point I was thinking, I should totally tell you to not rhyme in the poem and then I read this:

My tree might grow a lime
Or will the winter show it's hate?
It could all change with time.
Will I marry Kate?

Welcome to YWS! That was an awesome poem. I'm going to be reviewing your work today.

First of all let me say I liked the dual-lined stanza. It brought the image of contradiction across rather nicely. I had a problem with your rhythm at times, it didn't feel consistent. What *I* heard it as was something that could easily be transferred into a rap, is all I'm saying. Some lines broke away from that by having either to many syllables or what. There were a few things I would consider grammatical errors.

I'm going to have food on my plate?

That doesn't sound like a question. It could be 'But am I going to have food on my plate'

It is as easy as finding a date?

I'm guessing you mixed up the first two letters? If not then I must say it sounded off, not equal with the rest of your language style.

And then this. This is what could've caused me to say don't rhyme.

Might I steal a crate?

It sounded forced. And in that, it didn't connect with the line above it. Yes, it is a crime but hardly one to care about. I mean seriously. One suggestion, but this is your poem of course: I might commit a crime / The police will always be just too late

Nonetheless, incredibly well done. *LIKED*

If you're confused about something, just PM me and I'd be happy to help as are most member on this site.

TheNewHero

Very good for such a young writer as you are.

This was awesome I think it was a little far fetched in the beginning, but i can definitely see your train of thoughts and how the grow in length good job.

Hello, so, for a first attempt at poetry, this is good. Well, I have a habit a nit-picking apart a poem so, here goes:

Walking down the line
What's gonna be my fate?

Go beginning, states what the poems gonna be about.

Thinking it's all fine<< This really doesn't matck up with the next line, maybe change it to something like "I'm thinking it's all fine
I'm going to have food on my plate? << This is not a question, you need to make this some think that is a question, like, (this corasponds with my other suggestion for this) "But will I have food on my plate?"

So, I think this would sound better if it read

I'm thinking it's all fine
But will I have food on my plate? << Just a suggestion.

I might earn a dime
It is as easy as finding a date? << This I just think should be changed all together... I see that you are trying to rhyme, but this just sounds forced, which ruins it.

^^ I think you should change that line to something that also has to do with making money or a job, like the line before it. But be careful not to make the rhyme so forced, to rhyme in a poem and sound good, you have to make it seem to flow, like you didn't have to think about making it rhyme at all. This can be hard, but if you need help more, PM me.
Oh, also, it is VERY hard to keep the same rhyme through out the whole poem, some times it is better to just have one rhyme within a stanza and a differant ryhme in the next stanza, or in the case of this poem, have one of the two line stanzas rhyme with the next, then the next two, two line stanzas rhyme, and so on... If you need help with that PM me...

I might commit a crime
Might I steal a crate? Really not a good word, sounds really really forced...

I liek how you go though life, like, this could happen, will this happen. That is one thing that makes this poem good. I like the first line to this, change the last word in the second line and it will be really good.

Ok, so, what I suggest is to change the last two lines of the last two stanzas and make them rhyme, but with a differant rhyme, not the same "ate" rhyme...

My tree might grow a lime
Or will the winter show it's hate?

This is good, "lime" is a kinda strange fruit to refer to, but it works, really good acually because it is unque...
I also now see that you tryed to rhyme all the end word of the first lines... That acually turned out ok...

It could all change with time. << I like this as an ending line.
Will I marry Kate? << And this throws it off. Make this something that can be related to the first line, that also sreves as an end to this. What you have now really doesn't seem to end it right...

Like I said, this is a relly good first atempt! I love the theme, you seem to need some help with your rhymes, but that is ok, you can easily fix that...

So, if you need help, I would love to help, just PM me...

~Rain~

P.S. Sorry for the bad spelling, I suck at it and I don't ahev a spell check...

This is... cute
I love the end part; totally unexpected.
There's just this one part; "might I steal a crate?"
That kind of sounded a little predictable; like you were straining to rhyme, rather than letting it all flow... if you understand what I mean?
That's the only part. The rest of it was really descriptive, and cleverly written I loved it!
Keep writing; your style is very creative xx

This is short, sweet and subtle in its message. It was very enjoyable to read. Just a couple of quick nit-picking:

Walking down the line
What's gonna be my fate?

Nice start. If it were me, I would use "going to" instead of "gonna". But if you'd like to keep it colloquial, that's your choice.

Or will the winter show its hate?

Grammatical error: 'its' instead of 'it's'
Also, you tend to place statements in question marks. For example,

Thinking it's all fine
I'm going to have food on my plate?

I might earn a dime
It is as easy as finding a date?

Perhaps it would be better to change it to, "Will I have food on my plate?" and "Is it as easy as finding a date?" so that the lines are actually question marks.

But overall, I loved it. Great job!

First stanza: "Walking down the line
What's gonna be my fate?" -Alright. So in the second line the first to words can be
improved to also improve the flow, "What shall..." Would sound alot better.

Second stanza: "Thinking it's all fine
I'm going to have food on my plate?" -It's good, just a little juvinile, but some improvisions...
Start at the second line, it should say instead "Am i to have food on my plate?"

Third stanza: "I might earn a dime
It is as easy as finding a date?" -Only two word should be changed in this stanza to, again, improve
flow. Second line; "Is it..."

Fourth stanza: Just fine on its own.

Fifth stanza: "My tree might grow a lime
Or will the winter show it's hate?" -Second line, second word, "Or shall..."

Sixth stanza: Very good on its own.