The Phoenix And The Flame

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Ok, I've never wrote anything like this before so, if it's really bad, you can tell me!


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I was at school when it happened. The event that caused the inevitable to happen.

They said it was some sort of freak accident. The gas pipes had blown or something. I really didn't hear them. I was still in shock. My brother wasn't though. He was full of questions.

My brother and I are twins. We both have flaming red hair and emerald green eyes. Despite the act we are identical twins, I get most of the compliments. Not that my brother cared.

We also had a four year old sister, Maggie. She didn't look anything like us, though. She had soft brown hair with thick curls. Her eyes were a complimentary color of hazel. The only resemblance was the same pattern of freckles splattered across our noses. None of us looked like our parents.

Our parents. Our parents who we were never going to see again. Our parents who, we were just informed, died in an explosion at our house. The information sank deep inside me. I couldn't make sense of it, even if I wanted to.

It was during third period History when we got the news. History, the most medieval torturing device, my brother would say. It is pretty boring though. Our teacher, Mr. Holt, had taught college history at one point. Now, he was stuck with a bunch of freshman. And, boy, could you tell he hated it. You would come in, the bell would ring and he would start talking. He would talk for the whole hour until the bell rung and then you'd leave. He expected you to take notes on what he lectured about and there would be a test once a week on those notes.

Today was just like any other, the lights were dimmed, the blinds shut. Mr. Holt was at his podium talking. I was at the back of the room, trying hard not to fall asleep. I'd already been down that road once, and I was not going back.

See, there is only one thing exciting about Mr. Holt's class: when somebody actually does fall asleep. When he sees somebody who's fast asleep, he stands up and gets his paddle and BAM he slams the paddle on the their desk. Let's just say it works most of the time.

Anyway, as I was saying, I'd already been busted once, and I wasn't planing on it happening again. I looked over at my brother, Peter, who was sitting beside me. As I expected, he was fast asleep. Just as I was about to wake him up, the office buzzed the classroom.

"Mr. Holt, could you please send Mackenzie and Peter Marshall to the office prepared to go home please," I heard the secretary, Miss Lorraine say. When Peter had heard his name, he jerked awake. Without saying anything, we left the class.

As I was packing up, I felt something wasn't quite right. It's not like our parents to pull us out of school like this. Especially right before Christmas Break, when we were taking our exams.

Peter and I made our way to the office. I got really worried when I saw through the window of the office, my Aunt Lisa and not my mom. I hardly ever saw Aunt Lisa except for Christmas. She lives on a farm in Texas by herself, so she rarely ever visits.

Being sisters, my Aunt Lisa and mom are very different. My mom had shining blond hair and hazel eyes, while my aunt had mousy brown hair which she always wears in a ponytail. My mom said Aunt Lisa was self-conscious, but I always that she was just comfortable wearing it like that.

When Peter and I walked in, I could hear Aunt Lisa and a portly police officer talking in hushed tones.

"Aunt Lisa," I said. She turned around and I could see her eyes were red from crying. She came over to me and hugged me as hard as she could. "Aunt Lisa," I said when she let go. "Where's Mom and Dad?" But I knew. I knew from her dark, flickering brown eyes, something terrible had happened to them. She looked from me to Peter, then back to me. She put her hand to her mouth and fresh tears started pouring from her eyes.

"Oh, honey," she said in her thick Texan accent. "Your moma and daddy died in an explosion an hour ago."
Happiness is a JOURNEY not a place. :D




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Alright! Well, bold are comments and suggestions.

emilyjh21 wrote:
I was at school when it happened. The event that caused the inevitable to happen. A bit better hook, I think.

They said it was some sort of freak accident. The gas pipes had blown or something. I really didn't hear them. I was still in shock. My brother wasn't though. He was full of questions.

My brother and I are twins. We both have flaming red hair and emerald green eyes. Despite the act we are identical twins, I get most of the compliments. Not that my brother cared.this and the one before it could be one paragraph.

We also had a four year old sister, Maggie. She didn't look anything like us, though. She had soft brown hair with thick curls. Her eyes were a complimentary color of hazel.complimentary? Hows bout with brown curls that went beautifully with her hazel eyes. The only resemblance was the same pattern of freckles splattered across our noses. None of us looked like our parents.

Our parents. Our parents who we were never going to see again. Our parents who, we were just informed, died in an explosion at our house. The information sank deep inside me. I couldn't make sense of it, even if I wanted to.

It was during third period History when we got the news. History, the most medieval torturing device, my brother would say. It is pretty boring though. Our teacher, Mr. Holt, had taught college history at one point. Now, he was stuck with a bunch of freshman. And, boy, could you tell he hated it. You would come in, the bell would ring and he would start talking. He would talk for the whole hour until the bell rung and then you'd leave. He expected you to take notes on what he lectured about and there would be a test once a week on those notes.

Today was just like any other, the lights were dimmed, the blinds shut. Mr. Holt was at his podium talking. I was at the back of the room, trying hard not to fall asleep. I'd already been down that road once, and I was not going back.

See, there is only one thing exciting about Mr. Holt's class: when somebody actually does fall asleep. When he sees somebody who's fast asleep, he stands up and gets his paddle and BAM he slams the paddle on the their desk. Let's just say it works most of the time.

Anyway, as I was saying, I'd already been busted once, and I wasn't planing on it happening again. I looked over at my brother, Peter, who was sitting beside me. As I expected, he was fast asleep. Just as I was about to wake him up, the office buzzed the classroom.

"Mr. Holt, could you please send Mackenzie and Peter Marshall to the office prepared to go home please," I heard the secretary, Miss Lorraine say. When Peter had heard his name, he jerked awake. Without saying anything, we left the class.

As I was packing up, I felt something wasn't quite right. It's not like our parents to pull us out of school like this. Especially right before Christmas Break, when we were taking our exams.

Peter and I made our way to the office. I got really worried when I saw through the window of the office, my Aunt Lisa and not my mom. I hardly ever saw Aunt Lisa except for Christmas. She lives on a farm in Texas by herself, so she rarely ever visits.

Being sisters, my Aunt Lisa and mom are very different. My mom had shining blond hair and hazel eyes, while my aunt had mousy brown hair which she always wears in a ponytail. My mom said Aunt Lisa was self-conscious, but I always that she was just comfortable wearing it like that.

When Peter and I walked in, I could hear Aunt Lisa and a portly police officer talking in hushed tones.

"Aunt Lisa," I said. She turned around and I could see her eyes were red from crying. She came over to me and hugged me as hard as she could. "Aunt Lisa," I said when she let go. "Where's Mom and Dad?" But I knew. I knew from her dark, flickering brown eyes, something terrible had happened to them. She looked from me to Peter, then back to me. She put her hand to her mouth and fresh tears started pouring from her eyes.

"Oh, honey," she said in her thick Texan accent. "Your moma and daddy died in an explosion an hour ago."Even if she hates them, any peorson wouldn't say it that way. If that was you, would even a stranger say it like that? How about something like 'Oh, honey!" She sighed, hugged both of us close. "You moma and father..." She didn't make any move to rtply, though i figured my brother figured it out.
I knew I did.'


Overall: This was a good piece that could use some spring cleaning. Make the reader feel like it was them. Your aq good writer, keep going!

~dragon
"Fantasy is a way of looking through the wrong end of the telescope."

"The writer who breeds more words than he needs is making a chore for the reader who reads!"

~Dr.Seuss.




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Hey there Em,

I'm Tanya, here for a review :D

I was at school when it happened. The event that caused the inevitable to happen.

They said it was some sort of freak accident. The gas pipes had blown or something. I really didn't hear them. I was still in shock. My brother wasn't though. He was full of questions.
Ok, I really like this opening, it's a good hook. But I also have an issue with it (haha). Well, this would make for a great cliff hanger at the end of the chapter.

Maybe end it like Dragon suggested, have it finish with the aunt saying, "It's about your mom and dad...." And have it finish like that. Next one, start it off with a bang.
"They were dead. Our parents had died in a explosion" or something.

Because, you start it off with a bang, flashback, then back to the bang. It's just a little off to me. Also, where do your MC's live? If there aunt lives in Texas, how come she's already there, in school, merely an hour after the house has exploded?

One other thing, it really isn't necessary to be giving such extensive descriptions of your characters. We haven't even met the sister or mother or father, yet we know how they all look like. Your characters shouldn't be defined by the way they look but by their actions, just keep that in mind.

That being said, there isn't much to say about your plot. It's just the first chapter and we know nothing yet about your characters except their parents just died. We'll know more when the next chapter is posted and we see how they react to the loss of their parents.

You have a nice easy flow to your story, though, I like the MC's voice, it comes out loud and clear.
Nicely done. Hope this review helped, pleased PM me when your next chapter's up.
Tanya :D




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Thanks Dragon and Tanya. Like I said, I've never written anything this complex before and I really appreciate your help. Also, I'll have to hurry and write the next chapter so you can see what happens!
Happiness is a JOURNEY not a place. :D




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Your opening chapter is interesting. However, your beginning sounds a little repetitive. Your story flows nicely, although you mention an act(in the first couple of lines I think) and don't explain it. When you told the story about the History teacher, I could relate to it, although not for History. I like your descriptions of your characters, but maybe you could introduce the descriptions gradually? I, also, like that your character is jumping from topic to topic; it gives the impression that she is in shock and does not want to think about what happened. Also, watch out for missing words. There's a part that reads like
" but, I always that she was just comfortable wearing it like that.", but I should probably read something like this " but, I always[thought] that she was just comfortable wearing it like that." Keep going, I can't wait to see where the Fantasy part comes in.
Check these out please! :)
Alezrani
Will review for food thread



Poetry comes alive to me through recitation.
— Natalie Merchant