transatlanticism

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i know you want more news and messages and i love yous
because there’s a whole ocean between us and a smattering at least of
countries, depending where you’re working at the time, and
i’m sorry, i am, and if you want to know what’s wrong well it’s like this—

every pack of instant noodles that disappears from the drawer is
one less link to you and one step further from home, and
when the hunger comes back it slinks like a jackal at the heels of the
magnificent terrible tiger that is the fear that there won’t ever be
more, and

every raindrop is an echo of the songs you used to make me listen to, and
when the world turns white i think of you, who once said
you wanted there to be snow on the day you died; i think of the
lights stretching trembling and wavering around my shadow and the night
smooth and lingering and of the distances between continents, and

the coffee cup that lies neglected on my desk speaks of you and
the shampoo bottles stand like worn-out little soldiers on the table, while
the printer i’ve only just set up and the takeout food look disapprovingly on;
the clothes piled in a corner and the dirty dishes i haven’t gotten around to
talk behind my back of how it was never ever like this at home

and when i speak the secret name you have given me it rolls off with
an aftertaste of wind and sand, like there’s a desert inside of me and it’s
just waiting to come out, and when i look for the words to send to you
there’s nothing but a blinding sun and an implacable sky, blue like the shirts
i saw you wear a couple times when you weren’t all khakis and tans and—

—and i guess what i’m trying to say here is that i miss you

I fail so hard at studying. I know this is terribly, terribly rough, but I need an outside perspective on it. Rip on.
Last edited by Jagged on Fri Oct 22, 2010 9:19 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Lumi: they stand no chance against the JAG SAFETY BLANKET




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Points 8691
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OH. MY. GOSH. This--this--was pure genius. Perhaps not flawless, but even the flaws were somehow part of the overall framework. The tiny little details were amazing, as were the honest, bare bones emotion and quirky imagery. I can't really critique it so instead I shall "Like" it. Great job! *follows* :)
You must be swift as the coursing river,
With all the force of a great typhoon,
With all the strength of a raging fire,
Mysterious as the dark side of the moon.




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Hey Jag. Let's see what I can comment on in 20 minutes before class. (If anything's unclear, ask me about it)

This poem makes me want to take a very deep breath at some pauses. The sentences ramble on to the point they run together something horrible, and I can barely follow the ideas in a couple stanzas. You have some good ones, (one, three, five and six) but the whole air of breathlessness robs this poem from any sort of deep understanding. I'm focusing so hard on understanding the basic meaning in stanzas two and four that I don't get any of the finer details and metaphors, and you have some lovely metaphors in here. I'd like to be able to focus more on them.

Your final stanza was the strongest, mostly because you can pause and take in each image. The punctuation breaks up the huge ramble and actually lets the touch of pain sink in, because the poem is showing, in its structure, that the narrator feels disjointed. That they're struggling for words.

I can see the point of having such a ramble in the second and fourth stanzas, because it shows the rushed feel of the narrator and all they wish they could say but can't. However, I find that's taken to too far an extreme. It could be that I'm rather tired, but I think I'd have the same comment regardless: this feels too hard to follow.

I think the problem is your inconsistency about rambling and not. If the style is consistently rambly, then readers get used to it and can follow the poem just a bit better. But, at present, you switch between stanzas with pauses/general punctuation and stanzas with hardly any. Just when I've gotten used to the pace of one stanza the pace switches and I've got to get used to it again. Repeat for the whole poem.

Your basic idea is fantastic, and you manage to pull off what should be angsty in a way that reads smoothly and has so many metaphors it doesn't come across as (too) navel-gazing (because this is vague enough that others can understand), but I find the structure of the poem a bit too haphazard for me to really get into. Your choice if you alter the paused stanzas or the rambly ones. My preference is for the latter, though, as I consider them your strongest stanzas.

Hope this helps.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.



Sometimes poetry is inspired by the conversation entered into by reading other poems.
— John Barton