Silver Moon

Note: This is part of the first chapter. Tell me if you want to hear more!
I pant as I run through the forest, bumping into the great oak trees, brambles pulling at my sweatshirt. Where did it go? There! I hear a deep growl coming from behind me. I spin around, and face the golden eyes of a creature, its hot breath coming out of his snarling mouth. The air fills with a slight breeze and the scent of pine, curling sweet tendrils around my legs, and my light brown hair swirling ringlets across my face. As I turn to run away, I slip on a rock in the forest, knocking my head on something hard, maybe a root. The scratchy leaves of the forest help to cushion the rest of my fall. Ouch... As I start to lose consciousness, I catch a glimpse of the bright, haughty moon, and as the beast's face comes running and lands on me, inches from mine.
Slam!
"Eris, you better get up soon, or mom's gonna kill you if you miss the bus again!"
My amber eyes shot open. Damon! My brother always seems to intervene at the worst time possible.
I was so close, too! The eyes in my dream always come clearly, but the body and face just happens to slip away....
I checked the clock.
7:00! I can barely make it to the bus when I get up at 6:30! I must have missed the alarm again. Well, better late than never. I sit up in my bed, as my Harry Potter book falls to the floor with a thud. I smile. I like to wonder what it would be like to live in a world like that. I glance sideways at the clock again. Well, better late than never.

"Eris, come on dear. Grab your backpack, it's nearly 7:15!" said mom.
I'm still in the bathroom, applying my favorite color of eyeshadow. I speed the process up, and then run downstairs.
I grab my bag, and make a major beeline for the door, when I remember something important I left in my room.
"I'll be right there, mom!"
I thunder up the stairs, and grab the silver rope bracelet off my desk. How could I think of ever leaving without it?!

"Hey honey, you're gunna be late!" my dad so helpfully pointed out.
I can smell the bacon that my father was making. But I guess he didn't think I had time for that.
He tossed me a banana as I was heading out the door. I jumped into the car with mom, and started to peel my breakfast. It had snowed, coating the world in an cold and soft blanket. The bare trees were weighed down with most of it.
"Hey, where's Damon?"
My mom revved up the engine, turning itself into a healthy purr.
"He got a ride to school with his friend, Greg."
Ugh, Greg. A poser to the max, if you ask me. Him and his friends were so obnoxious. Whatever, at least Karly would be on the bus.
I went through my schedule for today. After school I had the symbol club. We were going to have a guest speaker, Dr.Evans. That would be cool.
Even though I was worried about making the bus on time, I couldn't stop seeing those golden eyes, and the bright moon.

I loved how everything lead to the next thing--it flowed very well. Just one thing; in the first paragraph, I think you mean breath because breathe is like "I can't breathe!" so, yeah. But I really liked it. Keep writing!!

Keep goin, Chica I'll be checking in on your progress

Hey there WolfGirl!
Spitfire here to review, and I'll begin by nit-picking!

WolfGirl101 wrote:Where did it go?

This should be put in italic, or if you prefer, have the character say it directly.

WolfGirl101 wrote:its hot breathe coming out of his snarling mouth.

*breath

WolfGirl101 wrote:The air fills with the scent of pine, curling sweet tendrils around my legs, and my light brown hair swirling ringlets across my face.

Okay, I really don't get what point you were trying to put across in this sentence. First your talking about the smell in the air (which, actually, if she was in a forest, the air would already be smelling like pine), then your legs and then your talking about hair?? It's difficult to follow your thought pattern here. I think it would be good to clear this up a little.

WolfGirl101 wrote:As I turn to run away, I slip on something in the forest. As I start to lose consciousness, I catch a glimpse of the bright, haughty moon, as the beast's face comes running and lands on me, inches from mine.

Here your thought process went a little ahead of your writing. You say she slipped on something, then the next sentence she's losing consciousness, without even having hit anything! You'll have to specify she knocked her head.

WolfGirl101 wrote:As I start to lose consciousness, I catch a glimpse of the bright, haughty moon, as the beast's face comes running and lands on me, its faceinches from mine.

Okay, you have a lot of work to do on your verb tenses. The whole time you kept switching between the past and the present; you need to stick to either of them, not both.

WolfGirl101 wrote:I pant as I run through the forest, brambles pulling at my sweatshirt. Where did it go? There! I heard a deep growl coming from behind me. I spin around, and face the golden eyes of a creature, its hot breathe coming out of his snarling mouth. The air fills with the scent of pine, curling sweet tendrils around my legs, and my light brown hair swirling ringlets across my face. As I turn to run away, I slip on something in the forest. As I start to lose consciousness, I catch a glimpse of the bright, haughty moon, as the beast's face comes running and lands on me, inches from mine.
Slam!
"Eris, you better get up soon, or mom's gonna kill you if you miss the bus again!"
Damon! My brother always seems to intervene at the worst time possible.
I was so close, too! The eyes in my dream always come clearly, but the body and face always seem to slip away....
I checked the clock.
7:00! I can barely make it to the bus when I get up at 6:30! I must have missed the alarm again. Well, better late than never. I sit up in my bed, as my Harry Potter book falls to the floor with a thud. I smile. I always seem to wonder what it would be like to live in a world like that. I glance sideways at the clock again. Well, better late than never.

"Eris, come on dear. Grab your backpack, it's nearly 7:15!" said mom.
I grabbed my bag, and make a major beeline for the door, when I remembered something important I left in my room.
"I'll be right there, mom!"
I thunder up the stairs,and grab the silver rope bracelet off my desk. How could I think of ever leaving without it?!

"Hey honey, you're gunna be late!" my dad so helpfully pointed out.
He tossed me a banana as I was heading out the door. I jumped into the car with mom, and started to peel my breakfast.
"Hey, where's Damon?"
"He got a ride to school with his friend, Greg."
Ugh, Greg. A poser to the max, if you ask me. There's something not RIGHT about that guy. Whatever, at least Karly would be on the bus.
Even though I was worried about making the bus on time, I couldn't stop seeing those golden eyes, and the bright moon.

So these are just the basic ones I pointed out, but you get the point.

Now I'm going to be honest on my thoughts of the story, so please bare with me and know that I'm not trying to be a bitch, I'm only trying to help

Characters
Your main character is too impersonal. If she (which I couldn't identify all too easily that it was a girl) is to be the narrator, we need way more feedback on her life. Not giving us information on everything, but giving us clues as to what she's feeling/seeing/hearing/tasting/etc. Remember that a person has their five senses on at all times, so just telling us stuff makes it unreal and uninteresting.

I have no idea who Greg is, but just by the sentence you wrote, it's obvious that this guy is going to be a supernatural being or part of a supernatural world. The fact that your character is so dead-set on him being wrong, I must say, is very cliché.

Writing
You constantly use the words always seem. I'd suggest you change that, or it can seriously turn off readers. You don't have to change your whole sentences, but using synonyms is always helpful.

Also, like I mentioned before, you have to be careful about your fluidity. You sometimes forget to mention things because you're so stuck on the big picture. Just watch out for that. And believe me, it happens to us all.

Story
I haven't read this or heard of this story before, but I'll tell you this; your story is missing its own attraction. This might sound mean, but I have read many different stories/books, and I must say that if somebody gave me this to read, I'm not sure would. The reason why: there was nothing distinctive about the story. Your character has nothing particular about herself, and the whole "I wish those worlds existed" is something every fantasy lover thinks! You need to develop some really good stuff for the beginning, or readers won't want to go past the first few pages.

Review
The good thing about all I just mentioned, however, is that it can easily be fixed. You seem to know exactly where you want to go with this story - I'm guessing by the HP reference - and so it would be easy enough to rearrange your ideas and sentences to make this a great story.

So that is all I have to say, I wish you good luck for your writing!

WolfGirl101 wrote:I pant as I run through the forest, brambles pulling at my sweatshirt. Where did it go? There! I heard a deep growl coming from behind me. I spin around, and face the golden eyes of a creature, its hot breathcoming out of his snarling mouth. The air fills with the scent of pine, curling sweet tendrils around my legs, and my light brown hair swirling ringlets across my face. As I turn to run away, I slip on something in the forest. As I start to lose consciousness, I catch a glimpse of the bright, haughty moon, as the beast's face comes running and lands on me, inches from mine.

[I'd put a space here ]

Slam!
"Eris, you better get up soon, or mom's gonna kill you if you miss the bus again!"
Damon! My brother always seems to intervene at the worst time possible.
I was so close, too! [<--- italics? I think I would, but it's your decision]The eyes in my dream always come clearly, but the body and face always seem to slip away....

[same again with spaces]

I checked the clock.

7:00! I can barely make it to the bus when I get up at 6:30! I must have missed the alarm again. Well, better late than never. I sit up in my bed, as my Harry Potter book falls to the floor with a thud. I smile. I always seem to wonder what it would be like to live in a world like that. I glance sideways at the clock again. Well, better late than never. [Is this meant to be repeated? :/]
"Eris, come on dear. Grab your backpack, it's nearly 7:15!" said mom.
I grabbed my bag, and make a major beeline for the door, when I remembered something important I left in my room.
"I'll be right there, mom!"
I thunder up the stairs,and grab the silver rope bracelet off my desk. How could I think of ever leaving without it?!

"Hey honey, you're gunna be late!" my dad so helpfully pointed out.
He tossed me a banana as I was heading out the door. I jumped into the car with mom, and started to peel my breakfast.
"Hey, where's Damon?" [I asked? O rsomething like that :/]
"He got a ride to school with his friend, Greg."
Ugh, Greg. A poser to the max, if you ask me. There's something not RIGHT about that guy. Whatever, at least Karly would be on the bus. [Italics? Hmm..o.O]
Even though I was worried about making the bus on time, I couldn't stop seeing those golden eyes, and the bright moon.

OK, I really like this, I think it's a really good story line and I enjoyed it. I'm sorry for my little nitpicks, but yeah.

The thing I like about this is the easy going, family life you create just within the first little paragraphs. This is really effective and I loveeed that little dramatic line I did in green

I hope my comment was useful, please post more