Forever Suffocated

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Triskiller
Gender None specified
Points 940
Reviews 4
Thu Oct 21, 2010 12:50 pm
Triskiller says... · Thu Oct 21, 2010 12:50 pm
I know the title sounds cliché but I think the poem is anything but. I hope you all agree.

Forever Suffocated

I suffocate myself,
Withold my lungs the air

I didn't know the you who died
I knew the you before
You didn't just lose your hair
You also lost your soul

Unlike you, I still can breathe
I cough;
I snort;
I weep;
My crying can't be heard by you
When you are six feet deep

Forever suffocated
A wooden prison
But that box did not take your breath
Forever suffocated
So deep below
You can not take that which already left


I hope the poem speaks for itself.
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Alexxa
Gender Female
Points 1207
Reviews 12
Fri Oct 22, 2010 2:49 pm
Alexxa says... · Fri Oct 22, 2010 2:49 pm
Heartfelt yet engaging.

I'm working on the same idea so I was able to relate tremendously.

Good job. Keep it up!
Smiles,
Alexxa

"Forrest of Oaks"
No one really knows what's waiting at the end of the line
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DannielleLovesong
Gender Female
Points 1199
Reviews 17
Fri Oct 22, 2010 3:33 pm
DannielleLovesong says... · Fri Oct 22, 2010 3:33 pm
It was a really good poem. I liked it. My only complaint is punctuation. My favorite line would be "I didn't know the you who diedI knew the you before" Great job. :) Keep writing.

~Dannielle~
"If you don't see a door, make a door. If you can't make a door, make a window." --Alondra de la Perra
"Don't change the music, let the music change you." --Brittany Bearden
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xangeleighfshox
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 6
Fri Oct 22, 2010 10:31 pm
xangeleighfshox says... · Fri Oct 22, 2010 10:31 pm
I really liked this. It wasn't too much, or too little. It was really good and keep up the nice writing.
-Angie.
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Triskiller
Gender None specified
Points 940
Reviews 4
Sat Oct 23, 2010 9:30 am
Triskiller says... · Sat Oct 23, 2010 9:30 am
Thank you very much. This means a lot to me. :D
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fruityfortissimo
Gender Female
Points 2085
Reviews 51
Sun Oct 24, 2010 6:11 am
fruityfortissimo says... · Sun Oct 24, 2010 6:11 am
Good work. The poem was very intense. I was hooked immediately by your first line and kept wamtimg to read. Excellent vernacular and figurative language. It was intruiging and deep and I was brought to tears reading it. Keep it up.
"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself."
Harvey Fierstein
"At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet."
Plato
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6 posts


Don't be pushed around by the fears in your mind. Be led by the dreams in your heart.
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