Once upon a time we were humans

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 8572
Reviews 424
Once upon a time we were humans.

Once upon a time,
in a long forgotten land
We were independent people,
fighting the world hand in hand.

But our humaity was stolen,
our souls were shot appart.
They took our love away,
left hatred to burn in our hearts.

We are the broken people,
those with shattered souls.
Where our hearts used to be,
there’s only carved out holes.

We dance on the shattered glass,
on our numb feet.
Where our hearts used to be,
left is only the echo of the beat.

We cry black, emotionless tears,
with our shallow eyes.
In our stone shaped faces,
rests a smile frozen in ice.

With our cold, bony fingers,
we grasp for your hand.
But you pull it away,
our wishes you can’t understand.

All you see when you look at us, is a shadow of the past.
Our humanity is long forgotten, left is only the contrast
of what we used to be, still deep inside, left is something real.
In the deepest corner of our forgotten hearts, we feel.

But what we feel is fear, hatred and pain.
We long for your hand, to help us remain
a little bit human, not entirely insane.
But when you walk away, even though we beg you to stay
We slowly shatter, slowly fades away.

Once upon a time, we were humans.
But we are no longer more than shells.
Last edited by Demoness on Tue Oct 19, 2010 7:10 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"Some say the world will end in fire;
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice." - Robert Frost




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 590
Reviews 13
I really like the tone of your poem...its haunting. Your imagery is also really great! I think it would be even better if you changed some of your line's sentence structures. Alot of your sentences go phrase comma phrase. When your sentences are shorter, your writing flows a little better.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 7297
Reviews 156
Once upon a time we were humans.

Once upon a time,
in a long forgotten land
We were independent people,
fighting the world hand in hand.

But our humaity was stolen, Humanity
our souls were shot appart. apart. Also, a bit cliche.
They took our love away,
left hatred to burn in our hearts. terribly cliche

We are the broken people, cliche
those with shattered souls.cliche
Where our hearts used to be,
there’s only carved out holes.
I like these lines

We dance on the shattered glass,
on with our numb feet.
Where our hearts used to be,
left is only the echo of the beat.
You've already conveyed this idea
We cry black, emotionless tears, cliche
with our shallow eyes. Shallow eyes is a good way to 'show don't tell'
In our stone shaped faces,
rests a smile frozen in ice.

With our cold, bony fingers, you're using 'our' too much
we grasp for your hand.
But you pull it away,
our wishes you can’t understand. Okay, who are we talking about. God? You didn't introduce this character. You started by talking in general, not to a specific person.

All you see when you look at us, is a shadow of the past. Cliches, they burn
Our humanity is long forgotten, left is only the contrast you already said that
of what we used to be, still deep inside, left is something real. this line wasn't anything special
In the deepest corner of our forgotten hearts, we feel.
I like.
But what we feel is fear, hatred and pain. show us this, don't tell us what you feel
We long for your hand, to help us remain you already said this
a little bit human, not entirely insane. i like.

there should be a start of a new stanza here
But when you walk away, even though we beg you to stay already said this!!
We slowly shatter, slowly fades away.

Once upon a time, we were humans.
But we are no longer more than shells
. unsatisfying ending,
So, a dyslexic man walks into a bra....




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 8572
Reviews 424
,,,
"Some say the world will end in fire;
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice." - Robert Frost



don't try me bro
— Seirre