my parents say stop, I say party

At last. Something poetically tangible (or so I hope) from me. Sorry it it's bad, but my writer's block is making everything I write pretty lousy right now.


Cling to the moment
and its timeless appeal. If you
froze the scene the clock would be superfluous, and
I wouldn't have to leave. I could sit there for eternity
by your side, and never have to move.

The way I can feel your heart beating
all the way to your fingertips and through my body
tells me love is more than a neuro-chemical reaction,
and we're more than a couple of fumbling teenagers,
too young to be taken seriously but
too old to be let off the hook.

We're caught in a net, wriggling
to break free of the rusting constraints. We want
to swim ahead so badly we've forgotten
about the immediate; we've lost our
sense of navigation. I don't know about you
but I wish the fog would go away.

If you call this bad, then I wish that my poetry was as good as your bad poetry, lol. Mind you, it isn't the best I've read from you, but it's hardly bad. To start off, I absolutely love the first sentence, for it sets the mood for the entire poem. I like how as you read it, you sort of grow with the narrator. It's interesting; it's as though you start off with this sort of naïveté and innocence, but as you move through the stanzas you give into the almost futility of the circumstances, and come to terms with the reality of the situation. The second stanza is great because of the comparison love makes with science; an abstract idea antithesizing a concrete fact. It's neat. The reader really gets a sense that you're stuck at an age where society refuses to take you seriously but you're newly confined to the idea that your actions have reactions. There's no freedom and you're not taken seriously by anyone older or younger than you. They throw away the idea that you could actually be justified in loving someone, and you get this point across. I quite like the 'wriggling fish' imagery that starts halfway through the poem, but I don't know, would it be possible to introduce it at the beginning of the poem? It would make a more cohesive connection of theme to imagery, and maybe bring the poem to a whole new level. I like the last line; although it's less eloquent than the rest of the poem, I think that its honesty is needed and works well. Well, I hope that helped. Keep writing, the writer's block will end!

Thanks Eleanor! Your commentary is appreciated. About introducing the imagery to the beginning of the poem, that's an idea I'll play with. Certainly, as you said, the cohesiveness needs to be sorted and the general structure perhaps altered. I was never great at sorting my ideas into a good order. So thanks again! I need to change some bits around and hopefully I'll come out with something improved.

I loved it. It was quite beautiful and it seemed to capture a lot. I particularly liked the second stanza, esp the second half.

But i have to say I picked up on a Fish Theme in the last stanza: caught in a net, wriggling, swim ahead, fog (like murky water). Indeed in the one before that there's "hook"....