The lonely ones <3

The lonely ones

In a war-filled world they stand alone.
Their shallow hearts weep, as their savior dethrone.
Their numb souls shatter, falls into pieces,
when the number of lives decreases.
Their savior cries out a moan of despair,
as his broken soul, dissolves into the thin air.

In that heartless place, they walk alone,
their unspoken thoughts are overgrown.
Their speechless hearts without voices cries
and in the distance of a savior, they improvise.
They lift their hands, they pray to the skies,
pray to their gods, to become their allies.

In that land of dying hope, they die alone.
Their hearts lose their sparkle and turns into stone.
The blood from their scars are mixed with the tears of their pain,
and they scream hollow curses, they turn insane.
But at the end of it all, when their lives finally end,
they finally the meaning of loneliness comprehend.

They grab each other’s weak hands
they leave their bodies lonely in that land
But together they move on to happiness
and call their hurtful lives a success

For in the end they learned,
what it was to be burned
in the eternal fire of pain,
the desperacy of being insane.
They realized they were never alone.
They might have been lonely… but never fully alone.

This was an amazing poem. I loved it. Just a couple of things:

Demoness wrote:The lonely ones

In a war-filled world might add a comma.they stand alone.
Their shallow hearts weep, as their savior dethrone.I love this line and the next.
Their numb souls shatter, falls into pieces,
when the number of lives decreases.
Their savior cries out a moan of despair, I think you could go without the comma here.
as his broken soul,I think the comma could be eliminated here as well. dissolves into the thin air.

In that heartless place, they walk alone,
their unspoken thoughts are overgrown.
Their speechless hearts without voices criesThese two lines are amazing.
and in the distance of a savior, they improvise.
They lift their hands,I think a semi-colon would be better fit. they pray to the skies,
pray to their gods, to become their allies.

In that land of dying hope, they die alone.
Their hearts lose their sparkle and turns into stone.
The blood from their scars are mixed with the tears of their pain,
and they scream hollow curses, they turn insane.
But at the end of it all, when their lives finally end,
they finally the meaning of loneliness comprehend. I love this stanza. It has good rhyme, rhythm.

They grab each other’s weak hands
they leave their bodies lonely in that landI might add a period here.
But together they move on to happiness
and call their hurtful lives a successAs well as here.

For in the end they learned,
what it was to be burned
in the eternal fire of pain,
the desperacy of being insane.
They realized they were never alone.
They might have been lonely… but never fully alone.

It had a good sense of hope at the end here. I liked the last line.

Overall: This poem was awesome. It's one of my favorites. You're a good writer. You don't have to take everything I said. These are my opinions and you are the writer so you know the points you wish to convey. But you did an awesome job. Keep writing.

~Dannielle~

Demoness wrote:The lonely ones

In a war-filled world they stand alone. I am thinking this line is unneeded, unless it plays a part further on, I don't believe it is.
Their shallow hearts weep, as their savior dethrone. Atleast add an s/d to make it dethron(es/ed). It's better grammaticly like that.
Their numb souls shatter, falls into pieces, Saying that they shatter and fall into pieces is redundent.
when the number of lives decreases.
Their savior cries out a moan of despair, Drop of despair, if you cry out a moan, I'd assume you're feeling great pain.
as his broken soul, dissolves into the thin air. You're kind of too wordy, the descrition of how else this action takes place is good / okay. But describing beyond that, like saying the thin air, is not that good. It's not important to what you're trying to say.

In that heartless place, they walk alone, But their hearts weep?! It's your second line... You've contradicted yourself, you may want to fix that.
their unspoken thoughts are overgrown. Not bad.
Their speechless hearts without voices cries Mentioned hearts again. And saying speechless and without voices is the same thing, which is redundent.
and in the distance of a savior, they improvise. It hasn't really moved from the stanza above stated. There should be movement through the poem. Like a story, kinda like what you have here. it needs to move or it's boring.
They lift their hands, they pray to the skies, If they pray to the skies they have to look up, or lift their heads so lose that.
pray to their gods, to become their allies. Pray for their gods to become their allies? And if it's their god, he should be their ally.

In that land of dying hope, they die alone. You're being very wordy, in that land of dying hope is not needed. How does that help get your message across? It doesn't so lose it.
Their hearts lose their sparkle and turns into stone. Still too wordy.
The blood from their scars are mixed with the tears of their pain
and they scream hollow curses, they turn insane. This is list like, which is boring. You should have a better connection and transition(going through those connections). This makes it easier to read and more enjoyable.
But at the end of it all, when their lives finally end, Stop the redundentcy!!! It's madness!
they finally the meaning of loneliness comprehend.

They grab each other’s weak hands Arg, I just realised that you're rhyming, you should stop that. It's undoubably forced. Rhyme is a tool, one that isn't always needed. Try without it, don't let it govern your ideas. Then it only hurts your poem.
they leave their bodies lonely in that land Bodies = dead people. Dead people = lonliness. Drop the they and lonely. Make leave leaving. And that is one way to make it less wordy.
But together they move on to happiness
and call their hurtful lives a success Remove the line above, hurtful in this line and kinda try to make them into one. Like: Togeather they call their lives a sucess. We already know their lives are hurtful from everything else you've mentioned. This line is also better because it states the same thing in a more complex way. Which is good.

For in the end they learned,
what it was to be burned Did you mean: what it was like? You can't just drop words, that's just annoying. And it can be confusing.
in the eternal fire of pain, This is so cliche, I am sure you can find different ways of saying things like this. Different metaphors and different similes.
the desperacy of being insane.
They realized they were never alone. Again these lines state the same thing and it's no good. I've already explained this so yeah.
They might have been lonely… but never fully alone.

Over all:
I think you need to have more movement through the poem. From one idea and set to another. You only really focus on the suffering of their savior. You tell us how they feel, but we don't get to see how. Similes and metphors help there. And we don't really know what is happening here, there's no connection to the real world. There's nothing for us to relate to,
there's nothing to make us care.

The blood from their scars are mixed with the tears of their pain

And here: You could mix things togeather even adding a similie saying like: Their scars mixes with their scars like sodium and water. Something that shows how they react, how they mix, that gives us an idea of how things happen and something that we can better understand. It's less wordy too.
You should also add more similes / metaphors. To help show how these things happen, and they give us more to relate with, depending on what you pick. Like what is mentioned above.

Also, you need to make sure that your rhyme doesn't govern your poem so much. If it does it will ruin it and force your ideas to come out weird.

Also, you should try to not be so redundent, I stated where in my nitpicks. When you over describe, it can strip all meaning and understand from a poem because you may say things that do not matter. Try to make sure that everything you're saying helps back up what you're really trying to say. Poems can be a lot like essays, they have their stanzas / paragraphs that all need to back up their main ideas.

Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.

I really really liked it! the only thing I would say, is that there are some places where you add extra s's, which disturbs the flow of your writing. Also in the third stanza, your phrasing from "blood" to the end of the stanza, is a little awkward. you might think about rewording some of the phrases, especially the one line about, "The blood from their scars are mixed with their tears of pain" . The rest of this peice is great though! I really liked the first and last stanzas!

...