Course of Human Events: Chapter 1

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Chapter 1: A Story Forgotten.

Cold. Everything was cold. Every rock. Every stone. Even the air and the ground. Everything was cold.

There were no seasons in the forest. Just the same, unchanging pattern of cold. There wasn't no snow, no rain or sunshine. Nothing. Everything gray and bland, secluded and quiet. Unchanging and unwavering in its constant pattern.

This was purgatory.

But she didn't mind fact. In fact, she found it all quite calming, living in such a place all her existence. It was the place she knew as home, one that where most would find boring, she found extraordinary. This was her world, her vision and creation, and it was just the way she wanted it.

Every day, unchanging. Every night, quiet. It was all the same and it was just how it should be. How she wanted it to be.

Until that one day, when the two young boys came into the forest, into Purgatory.

She hadn't given them much thought when she had first met them. In fact, she hadn't even remembered them at all once they had left. But now they had returned asking her what she had promised them, asking for what had been promised to them, if they had returned bearing their offering.

She heard the footsteps behind her, small and tiny. She already could tell who they where without opening her eyes. They must have been eager to receive their reward. Even she didn't think they would return this quick.

"So..." She started, eyes still closed. "You're back."

"Yes, and we've brought you what you asked." The boy said, holding out his hand.

She calmly stood up and turned around, opening her eyes and staring at the two young boys. She towered over them, and they shrunk even lower as she stepped closer to them. One of the young boys carefully opened his hand, revealing the item of interest that she had asked them to bring. Upon seeing it, she gave a small rare smile and calmly took it from the boy, placing it in her hand.

She examined the item, going over every detail. It was just a small silver key. An ordinary key to some people, but to her, something greater. She was only one of a select few who knew what this key did, as well as who it had once belonged to. She could still remember it's owner, and how he had changed everything. Just looking at it reminded her of him all to long ago.

Her thoughts were suddenly broken by one of the young boys. "All right, you have what you want witch, now give us our reward!"

"You promised after all." The other boy added, his fist clenched.

She narrowed her eyes at the two. "You really want to hear the story then?"

The two nodded. "You knew him, right? You actually knew him?"

She closed her eyes and nodded. "A long time ago. In a very different place."

"What was he like?" One boy asked, eagerness in his eyes.

"He was like every other human in the world." She replied, remembering back. "Driven. Fixated. Stubborn."

She closed her eyes and smiled softly. "But he was also determined. Determined that no one could stop him. Not even God..."

"Tell us the story!" The other said, beginning to get impatient. "You promised you would."

She calmly nodded. "I did. But let me ask you one last time. Are you sure you want to hear?"

The two nodded again, their minds impossible to change. She took a deep breath and sighed, sitting back down. It was the first time she had told the story, one she knew she would never forget. Even someone as herself took humans as different creatures, ones that weren't even worth remembering. But this one was different.

"It was nearly 76 years ago." She started, thinking back to the past. "76 years when I first met him...."
Last edited by ReadyFireAim on Fri Oct 22, 2010 2:28 am, edited 1 time in total.




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Hello Ready- I shall point out a few errors.

There wasn't no snow


"There was no snow" or "There wasn't any" should go here.

asking her what she had promised


Since you already say she promised something, you can get rid of this.




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i quite like this :)
looking forward to the rest of the chapters
great job!




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Hi there!

So, this is an interesting beginning. I like it. However, it's very vague. I advise you add some more detail, otherwise you might lose the reader.

Cold. Everything was cold. Every rock. Every stone. The air and the ground. Everything was cold.


I'm not too fond of the repetition of 'Everything was cold'. I don't know, it doesn't work so well here. Maybe rephrase this to avoid the repetition.

This was purgatory.


This bit grabbed my attention right away. ;)

But now they were back, asking her what she had promised her, asking her what she had promised to give them, if they had returned bearing their offering.


This confused me, I had to read it over to understand. The bit in bold, did you mean: "asking her what she had promised them"? Because it doesn't make much sense as it is. Maybe rephrase this entire bit, make it clear in less words.

already knowing who they where were without opening her eyes. They must have been eager to receive their reward. Even she didn't think they would return this quick quickly.


Corrections in red.

"So..." She started, eyes still closed. "Your back."


*you're

She calmly stood up and turned around, opening her eyes and staring at the two young boys. She towered over them, and they shrunk even lower as she stepped closer to them.


I think this would be a good place to describe her. All we know at the moment is that she's tall compared to the boys. It would be easier to visualise this whole scene if there was some description. Also, about the boys - how young are they? 'Young boys' can vary a lot. It would be good to have some sort of pointer towards their ages.

One of the young boy's


*boys :]

"All right, you have what you want witch, now give us our reward!"


Why did he call her witch? Is she really a witch or does he simply not like her? Elaborate here.

Even someone as herself took humans as different creatures, ones that weren't even worth remembering. But this one was different.


By 'this one' does she mean the mysterious 'him'? This confused me :/

"It was nearly 76 years ago." She started, thinking back to the past. "76 years when I first met him...."


Between '76 years' and 'when', I would put 'ago'.
Also, maybe give an indication of the woman's age. If it was 76 years ago she would now be an old woman. But, if she was an immortal or something, she would probably look younger. By telling the reader her age, it would be a good and subtle way of telling us if or not she was immortal.

Overall:

So, there are lots of interesting ideas sprouting up here. However, one thing this chapter is lacking is character development. Even the most minimal amount could add to the story. At the moment it's hard to really feel anything for the characters. Are the young boys scared of her? Is she relieved, happy, nostalgic to recieve the key? With these details this could be a very good beginning.
It would be good if you could describe the forest more, too. Are the trees dense, sparse?...
Also, in terms of grammar, make sure to read over this well - there are a few missing commas and the punctuation in dialogue needs some work. For example:
"It was nearly 76 years ago." She started
should be:
"It was nearly 76 years ago," she started
For an explanation, check this out:
topic44898.html

Well, that's all! Hope I helped, and keep writing!

~Lilicia
“Life itself is the most wonderful fairy tale.”

~Hans Christan Andersen




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I am very much new to YWS, so please forgive me if I do anything wrong... First off, I would like to say that this story is very impressive. The beginning itself is truly amazing. It felt like a book I couldn't put down, and that is a very big compliment. I love how deeply you go into details about the weather, it makes the surroundings of the story come alive. I love the sense of mystery you also put in, makes the reader wonder. Your stories, I'm going to be keeping my eyes on. (:

Have a great day, and amazing job!

-Soggy
Life isn't like a box of chocolates. Life is more like a jar of Jalapenos, what you do today might burn your rear tomorrow!



But answer me this: how can a story end happily if there is no love?
— Kate DiCamillo, The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane