Untitled: Vampire Story

A thin strip of moonlight lighted the alley. The dumpsters were standing tall against the brick walls and the night wind. On the concrete between shredded newspapers and cans was a bulky figure bent over a tiny, curled bundle. There was a trail of blood that led to the bundle. It was a child.

"What is your name?" asked a man in a hoarse voice.

"My name is Ray," he replied.

"Ray, do you remember anything?" he replied wistfully. The boy shook his head weakly. Donorick's gentle hand reached over to the child and stroked his forehead.

"What happened?" he asked. His hand traveled and felt the little child’s entire face. He rubbed softly against the child’s neck when suddenly he pulled his hands away.

The little boys mouth opened to speak but a sudden jerk surged through his body and then became motionless. No pulse. Though Donorick wore nightshades, his eyes could be seen frozen white with fear.

The light of the moon was disturbed by a sudden period of blackness. Donorick looked up, and there he saw the figure. It was watching him the entire time and finally bounded from one rooftop to another. Donorick focused his gaze at the character when suddenly he felt as if somebody had spat at his face. He removed his glasses, wiped his face with his bare hand and stared at it through the remaining moonlight. It didn’t feel like water, it didn't smell like water. He realized it was blood.

[[More to come good people, more to come]]

He arrived to his house and sat on the bed polishing his gun for hours, doing and redoing the scrubbing until he was moderately satisfied. Then he began to count his bullets. They weren't like any normal bullets, they were bullets coated in wolfs bane, vampire repellent. Donorick's black cat hobbled over to the mattress and purred for a petting.

"I don't understand, I just don't understand this at all. I killed all of those... creatures years ago, when all of us were alive."

The cat hissed suddenly and pulled away from the man’s grasp. "Run you little twerp, run like the rest of them."

The clock read a quarter to 5 o'clock in the morning. The man took off his sunglasses and stretched out on his bed when suddenly the phone rang. He let it go, too tired to even consider picking up the phone. But the ringing didn't stop. Two minutes later, as it continued to ring, he walked to the living room and picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Donorick Ajax, we speak again," a sneer voice on the other end coughed.

"Who is this?"

"You don't remember your old buddy? Lance Strom?" Lance coughed again.

"Oh my God, where the hell have you been? None of us have seen you since..."

"What is why I called, "Lance interrupted, "You see, every one of our old members, all seven remaining, have had encounters with the," Lance paused, "unnatural."
Donorick froze solid. So it was a vampire he saw last night: some remained.

“What the hell does this have to do with me? I gave up hunting for the creatures years ago!” Donorick shouted into the phone, still slightly angered that he wasn’t sleeping already.

“There’s a large reward from Headquarters for the person, or persons, who capture one more of these specimens,” Lance answered. There was a pause on the phone. Only the faint sound of clicking on Lance’s end remained.

“How much we talking?”

[[Hold on, I'm slow like this]]

There was only a weeks notice for the meeting Donorick was to attend. It was located at the Headquarters, in Seattle, Washington, which was quite a ways from New York. Within a few days he had to get somebody to watch his house and his cat. It was difficult enough packing enough ammunition to kill a thousand men into a single suitcase that was to be undetectable by the airport security, but finding somebody to watch over Hunter was a bigger task.

Hunter was a black cat that had the temper of a bull elephant. He constantly hissed and attacked all those who have tried to approach and contain him, all but
Donorick. Donorick came to realize that his embedded scent of wolfs bane had somehow kept Hunter at bay. Of course, nobody else could know of this secret: they’d have to be killed.

After much deliberation and only three days left until the conference, Donorick decided to take Hunter with him in a dog carrier and seal up his apartment room. He didn’t like anybody messing with his things, especially the technology. And if the mail got full, so be it. He didn’t care about the reactions and thoughts of others, unless those thoughts could, without a doubt, lead him to a vampire.

[[That's all I got so far, suggestions, butchering, higly acceptable]]

Hello, Back Rose.

I only caught one itsey bitsey error.

"What is why I called, "Lance interrupted, "You see, every one of our old members, all seven remaining, have had encounters with the," Lance paused, "unnatural."

Remove the parenthesis after 'called' since Lances isn't saying interupted.

Other than that, that's all I caught for grammar errors. This one didn't make sense to me though.

Donorick came to realize that his embedded scent of wolfs bane had somehow kept Hunter at bay. Of course, nobody else could know of this secret: they’d have to be killed.

Are people really that knowledgeable in this time frame? I mean how would a random person off the street know wolf's fur was a vampire repellent, unless they were hunters themselves. I just thought that it was kind of odd Donorick mentioned someone would be killed if they saw his specielized ammo.

I like this story a lot, but then again, I always like vampire stories/movies. I look foreward to more as this story progresses.

I’m feeling in a critical kindda mood today.

To maker life easier for me, I’ll critique each entry on its own.


First Entry

The descriptive entrance for this doesn’t feel like it lives up to its full potential. Although this is just a matter of personal opinion (and so others may disagree with me), I feel that more description for the scenery (plus some more gothic/dark/horror imagery) would really boost the opening. You already have a good starting point for this, you’d just need to boost what you already have.

If I were you (which, admittedly, I am not) I would replace the little boy with a little girl. At the moment, the torrent of ‘he’s and ‘his’s bogs this down a bit. If you gave Ray a sex change, it would help make this easier to understand.

You also have a:
- asked a man,
- he replied,
- he replied,
- he asked.
You don’t need the later two. They slow down the speech. Also, the last line of speech in this entry (‘what happened?’) is kind of confusing, simply because I don’t know who said it. The formatting suggests it was Ray (as it’s on a different line to Donorick’s speech) , but it doesn’t seem right for him to be saying it (rather I’d have thought it was Donorick).


Second Entry

At first, I was a little confused as to who this was referring too. Replace the first ‘He’ with ‘Donorick’, to clarify it.

After Lance’s first speech, you say his voice is a ‘sneer’ voice. This doesn’t seem to make sense - a ‘sneering’ voice would make more sense.


Third Entry

You use the words, ‘quite a way from New York’. The ‘ways’ part doesn’t make sense - shouldn’t it be ‘way’ (no S)?



That’s all I really got for suggestions. For the most part, this is a fair start to your vampire. Carry it on, and I look forwards to future entries.

A thin strip of moonlight lighted the alley. The dumpsters were standing tall against the brick walls and the night wind. On the concrete between shredded newspapers and cans was a bulky figure bent over a tiny, curled bundle. There was a trail of blood that led to the bundle. It was a child.

- They're all simple sentances; try changing one of those early full-stops to something else.
- Things are generally 'lit' not 'lighted.'
- 'The dumpsters' isn't very grammatical; since you haven't talked about any dumpsters before in the story, it should be 'Some dumpsters' or 'A dumpster' or something like that.
- Try changing 'shredded newspapers and cans' to 'cans and shredded newspapers'; the way it is now makes it sound like the cans are shredded as well.
- You've repeated 'bundle' twice in two sentances; word it differently, without using the same one twice.

"What is your name?" asked a man in a hoarse voice.

"My name is Ray," he replied.

"Ray, do you remember anything?" he replied wistfully. The boy shook his head weakly. Donorick's gentle hand reached over to the child and stroked his forehead.

"What happened?" he asked. His hand traveled and felt the little child’s entire face. He rubbed softly against the child’s neck when suddenly he pulled his hands away.

- 'What is' is too official; make it 'what's.'
- You've repeated the whole 'name' thing; shorten it to just 'Ray' when the boy speaks. He's weak, dying, and a young child; he won't be saying that much.
- That's 'he replied' twice in quick succession, and since you haven't said Donorick's name since the boy's been speaking, it's ungrammatical too try changing it to '"Ray, do you remember anything?" Donorick asked quietly, reaching a gentle hand over to stroke the boy, who shook his head painfully.
- After the boy says he doesn't remember anything, Donorick isn't really going to ask him what happened! Get rid of the dialogue in the second part and stick those two paragraphs together. And change one of those 'child's' because two is annoying.

The little boys mouth opened to speak but a sudden jerk surged through his body and then became motionless. No pulse. Though Donorick wore nightshades, his eyes could be seen frozen white with fear.

- The first sentance is horrible and ungrammatical and nasty icky poo (heh). Change it! Get rid of the 'little,' put an apostrophe in 'boy's,' a comma after 'but,' a semi-colon after body, and change 'and then became motionless' to 'he spasmed for a second, then became motionless.'
- The third sentance makes it sound like Donorick can see his own eyes (grammar!). How about 'even through his nightshades, Donorick could see Ray's dead eyes, frozen white with fear.'

The light of the moon was disturbed by a sudden period of blackness. Donorick looked up, and there he saw the figure. It was watching him the entire time and finally bounded from one rooftop to another. Donorick focused his gaze at the character when suddenly he felt as if somebody had spat at his face. He removed his glasses, wiped his face with his bare hand and stared at it through the remaining moonlight. It didn’t feel like water, it didn't smell like water. He realized it was blood.

- First sentance isn't *nearly* bloodcurdling enough! 'Disturbed by a period of darkness' just doesn't make a reader afraid. 'A dark figure blotted out the moon,' or 'There was a hiss as a dark figure flashed above him'; think up something really scary, not official Queen's English language.
- It 'had' been watching him the entire time, not it 'was.'
- Why his 'bare' hand? What else is he going to wipe it with?
- You need a semi-colon between the two statements about it not being like water, or else an 'and' after the comma.
- Short and snappy for the final sentance; take out the 'He realized.'

OK, that's all for now more later.

ok, theres just one thing thats really bothering me that the others didnt pick up, other than that everything i had to say has been said.

A thin strip of moonlight lighted the alley.

I think this sounds a little weird, "Lighted" doesnt really seem to fit. I would replace it with the word "lit"

[/i]A thin strip of moonlight lit the alley[/i]

And nothing really seems to flow, it all gets cut a little short if you know what i mean. Try getting some more desription into the story aswell other than that its a good start.

this is a nice beginning, cool plot and story line.