Elle (Chapter 11, part 2,) *Re-written*

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Hello everyone reading! I decided to rewrite the last of chapter 11 because it wasn't really going anywhere, and I didn't like it much. It was kind of a warm-up since I haven't been writing much recently. This is completely re-written, so I hope you enjoy it!(:

“Elle? Are you awake?”

I feel a gentle hand on my shoulder.

“You need to eat something.”

Through my eyelashes, I see Lyra looming over me. I stretch out my legs, not fully awake. Stiff, I try sitting up some. Once Lyra thought I was ready, she set a tray of fruit like before. I begin to pick through the display of colorful foods. Once my mind clears from sleep, I remember what Trenton said to me. I am not hungry anymore.

“Elle, what’s wrong? Is it your wrist?” Lyra’s hands darted to my wrist, scanning for any sign of pain or infection.

“No, I am fine.” I keep my voice steady.

Lyra studies me for a moment, then nods her head. “Alright.”

Just as Lyra begins to walk out, I ask her, “When will I be able to walk again?”

“Soon enough. You just need to regain strength,” she replies, her back already turning towards me to leave. I let Lyra leave, the door closing softly behind her while I pick at my food. In almost a state of fascination, I watch my long, white fingers poke at the colorful display of different fruit. Then I look at my right arm, seeing the horrible bruising shade of purple cover my skin. How could something so delicate and innocent turn into a monster?

This feeling of loneliness was horrible. In the cell, I knew that I still had people who care about me, wanting to free me. Now, I had no one. My grandmother was imprisoned, maybe even killed. The only person I had was Trenton, now he was gone too. I don’t even know what I did to make him go. I will stop fussing over it. I will let him be. Maybe it’s for the best.

I lay my head back on my pillow, closing my eyes, soaking in this moment. It has been a while since I felt safe and secure, in a warm bed. I almost forgot how nice it felt. All this worry, regret, how can someone survive it? Not even trying to fight against it, I felt the drag of sleep pull me down.


The heaviness of sleep was still pushing down on me when I open my eyes. In seconds, I turn from confused to frightened. The whole house was filled with footsteps, whimpers and voices all unfamiliar to me.

Across from my bed, Lyra is standing over a man who was severely injured. I could see mass amounts of blood dripping from a gaping wound on his upper leg. I had to look away to prevent nausea. What’s going on? What happened? I search my surroundings.

“Elle, everything will be fine.” Lyra notices that I had woke, but doesn’t leave the man’s side. “Trenton!”

At the sound of his name, Trenton comes running in. He says, “There are too many of them. We need more help.”

Frustrated that no one is telling me anything, I say, “What’s going on?”

“Please take her out,” Lyra begs Trenton, almost seeming irritated with me.

Trenton come to my bedside and helps me out of my sheets. Why is he doing this? What’s going on? Instead of forcing me to stand, he picks me up by wrapping his arm under my knees and back.

“What’s going on?” I ask, wiggling in Trenton’s grip.

He steps out of the room that I had occupied for a while now into a chaotic one. People, all sharing similar wounds, were crying in pain, scattered about. Others tried to care for them, only to seem to give up.

“Trenton, what happened?” I ask, more forcefully. “Trenton?”

“I just need to get you out of here.” Trenton didn’t seem to struggle with carrying me.

“Why are you carrying me?”

“You can’t walk.” Trenton gets me out of the house, out a back door into a dense forrest of trees and brambles.

“Let me down,” I order.

“No.” Trenton doesn’t let go. Instead, he carries me further into the woods.

I fidget in his arms, hoping he will let go. I don’t want him carrying me after what he said to me.

“Just leave me alone. I thought that’s what you wanted,” I say, purposely being cruel about how I say it.

“Won’t you let me explain?” Trenton asks. Soon as he says it, the trees thin to an open area, only large enough for a small herd of deer. Across from me was a stream, light reflecting off of it.

“I think you explained enough. I get it. You don’t want to associate with me. Just leave me alone,” I say with finality.

Trenton drops my legs and sits me down in the grass. He says something quietly to himself.

“Go.” It pains me to say it, but I knew that it would be said eventually.

“Just let me explain-”

“Explain what? The reason why you hate me so? Please, explain.” I nearly scream at him.

“You don’t understand, Elle.” Trenton tries defending himself.

“Then let me understand.”

“Fine, if you want to know so badly, this is why. I didn’t want to hurt you again. I thought that maybe, if I distanced myself, you would be safer. But you know what? It wasn’t easy. I couldn’t do it. Obviously it didn’t work so well, did it?”

That can’t be the reason, can it? What have I caused?

“No. It didn’t. Maybe just the opposite.” Trenton throws a rock off into the distance. “Now you have nothing to say?”

Everything went quiet. My voice broke through it, saying, “Did you really think that I wouldn’t get hurt if you distanced yourself?”

Trenton goes silent. His silence telling me “yes”.

I sigh and look up, saying, “Well, you thought wrong. I am a target. Always have been. Either way, I am going to get hurt somehow. It is never your fault. Tell me, do you believe in what I say?”

Trenton looks back at me, a look I missed. Friendship. Unable to stop myself, I throw myself at him, locking my arms tightly around his neck. I feel him do the same around my back. I feel good again, happy that this didn’t matter anymore. I wasn’t hurt anymore.

I break off, able to look at him again. An uncontrollable laughter forms, and I can’t stop. The feeling is amazing, the feeling that someone cares for me. As soon as my joy comes, it goes with a single thought, a single question. I turn serious, my body going cold. I ask, “What happened? What happened to those people?”

Trenton’s happiness faded. He says slowly, “The city of Erelle was attacked. Many were wounded, sent up to Abell. It is safer here. Some stayed to defend, others fled to neighboring cities. The people you saw stayed to defend. That’s not nearly as many as they started with.”

How could this happen? Why did this happen?

“The King knows you’re here and won’t give up until he has you.”



I hope this is somewhat better than my last post. I am still kinda rusty.(:
Last edited by kr1117 on Fri Oct 22, 2010 9:53 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Katie ^-^




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Howdy!

I like this ending so much better! I can definitely see movement in the plot now, and it makes me happy. :)
I noticed that your tenses slipped a few times, and you had a few sticky sentences, but other than that I thought it was great. *thumbs up*
But really, I can't stop thinking about the verbs!! Please just pick past or present. I don't care which one, but it has to be one or the other. Using both just makes my grammar monster go insane!
Now that I've completely horrified you, I'd like to say that I like this Trenton better. Sulky self-blame was not good for his countenance, but now he's perfect! I also noticed that you took out the part of her miraculous recovery. I think that was a good idea. I'm sure you will come up with a wonderfully believable cure. :)
Okay, well, I don't have much more to say...so good job! You aren't rusty at all!

Happy Writing!
Bailey
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"For an Assistant Pig-Keeper, I think you're quite remarkable." Eilonwy

"You also shall be Psyche."

"My only regret
all the Butterflies
that I have killed with my car" Martin Lanaux




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Hey Katie,

Back again!

This feeling of alone was horrible.
I suggest replacing 'alone' by 'loneliness'. Makes more sense.

The only left I could do was let this go
Um, this sentence needs to be reworded.

Stop fussing over it. I will let him be. Maybe it’s for the best.
The flow is off on this sentence. Maybe mix them into one. Something like, "I will stop fussing over it and let him be." And since it seems to be a thought, (at least, it reads like one) I would put it in italics.

Trenton drops my legs and sits my down in the grass.
me

Okay, those were the obvious nitpicks. Katie, I have to agree with Bailey about the verbs, though. It is really distracting. If you want me to, I'll go back and point them all out to you. Is it because you don't see them?

The ending is much better in this one, much more believable than the next one. Can't wait to read your next chapter!!

Tanya :D




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Thanks for the comments! I will go through and edit what has been pointed out.(:
Katie ^-^




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Hi, Katie. :D Much better job, now onto the review.

I let Lyra leave, the door closing softly behind her while I pick at my food.


In almost a state of fascination, I watch my long, soft, white fingers poke at the colorful display of different fruit.
You arlready used soft. Maybe you should change softly to gently or quiietly. Also, I don't really understand why Elle is describing her fingers. It's kind of strange.

“Why are you carrying me?” I want answers, and he isn’t giving me any.

I don't think you need that last sentence; it's a little obvious.

You can’t walk.” Trenton gets me out of the home, out a back door and into trees.
Home doesn't sound right; just change it to house. Also trees, doesn't sound right. I would sugges changing it to a forest or heaviy forested area or something like that.

“Won’t you let me explain?” Trenton asks. Soon as he says it, the trees thin to a small open area, only large enough for a small herd of deer, with a small stream running through.
Youn used small three times in the same sentence; please change it to something else so that sentence doesn't sound annoyingly repetitive. Afterall, it was such a good, descriptive sentece. I liked the small opening only large enough for a small herd of deer part, though.

I feel the same around my back.
Same what?

Overall: Great job, katie. You are most definitely not rusty. Awesome chapter. I hope you ddin't think I was harsh(this is one of my harsher reviews.) The only thing I have to say is the chapter was a little repetitive. Other than that great job, can't wait to read more. and good luck with your writing~Blue. :D
"A poet is, before anything else, a person who is passionately in love with language." - W.H. Auden



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