Dreams *Rewritten* Introduction

This the new rewritten version of my last story Dreams. And remember this is just the introduction. If you want to read the old version it's in my portfolio


I stared at the condensation forming on the inside of the car window. Knowing that it could be used to write on my instant reaction was to start jotting down the numbers, letter, and symbols that were appearing in my mind. I was lost in my own train of thought until a tap on the shoulder welcomed me back to reality.

"Cassie you know you're the only person that can make me feel like I'm in school when I'm not in school," Abby said.

"I'm sorry, I was just preparing for the Super Huge calculus test Mr. Angel is giving us only two days after the break is over," I defended myself.

"Oh cut her some slack," Brianna cut in "She's the only person I know that's taking Calculus, all honor classes, and extra college courses,"

"You know, you may be a nerd, but you're our nerd," my other friend Daisy jokingly added to the conversation.

"Agreed!" Brianna and Abby snickered.

"For your information, nerds are awesome," I said.

"Yeah, because they get into colleges like Harvard," Brianna said referring to me.

"Oh yeah that reminds me, I've never been to Massachusetts, so when you get Harvard, don't forget to send me a postcard," Daisy said shifting her gaze from the road in front of her to me.

"Cassie," Abby was cut off from the sound of Brianna's voice when she screamed, "Daisy! Watch Out!" Brianna quickly shifted her gaze back to the road but it was too late. A loud crashing sound filled my ears as Daisy's Element slammed into the sea green Prius that was in front of us. Daisy's attempt to move out of the way was no use and it only sent the car flipping over and landing on its back. I heard Abby scream beside me be before an excruciating pain shot up my leg and spread throughout my entire body. I saw a bright white light flash before my eyes before my head went dizzy and I fell unconscious.

Hello, lilgreendots! We've known each other for awhile now, but this will a be a first time reviewing you, right? =) I'm glad. Okay, my comments will be in pinkish fonts.

lilgreendots wrote:I stared at the condensation forming on the inside of the car window. Knowing that it could be used to write on and my hand as a writing toolI suggest deleting "and my hand as a writing tool" since it just confuses the reader. If you want to let people know that your MC's realizing that his or her hand could actually have been used as the tool, break the sentence up, and throw in a new one., my instant reaction was to start jotting down the numbers, letter, and symbols that were appearing in my mind. I was lost in my own train of thought until a tap on the shoulder welcomed me back to reality. This isn't paragraph isn't bad--good.

"Cassie you know you're the only person that can make me feel like I'm in school when I'm not in school."When writing dialogues, remember that you put a "comma" instead of a period when preceding or following "talking" verbs. Wow, I don't know what to call that. Okay, I'll clear it up, re-write this to: "...not in school[color=#FF80FF]," Abby said. Understand it now? =) Great! [/color] Abby said.

"I'm sorry, I was just preparing for the SUPER HUGE I really don't think caps are good for using in novels; emphases on words are usually formatted with italics.calculus test Mr. Angel is giving us only two days after the break is over."Here we go again. Comma, lil, comma. =) I defended myself.

"Oh cut her some slack,'Close quotation, NOT apostrophe. Brianna cut inComma, then open quotation; delete apostrophe. 'She's the only person I know that's taking Calculus, all honor classes, and extra college courses,"

"You know, you may be a nerd, but you're our nerd, “close quotation then space, NOT space then open quotation.my other friend Daisy jokingly added to the conversation.

"Agreed!" Brianna and Abby snickered.

"For your information, nerds are awesome," I said.

"Yeah, because they get into colleges like Harvard," Brianna said referring to me.

"Oh yeah that reminds me, I've never been to Massachusetts, so when you get Harvard, don't forget to send me a postcard," Daisy said shifting her gaze from the road in front of her to me.

"Cassie," Abby was cut off from the sound of Brianna's voice when she screamed, "Daisy! Watch Out!" Brianna quickly shifted her gaze back to the road but it was too late. A loud crashing sound filled my ears as Daisy's Element slammed into the sea green Prius that was in front of us. Daisy's attempt to move out of the way was no use, and it only sent the car flipping over and landing on its back. I heard Abby scream beside me be before an excruciating pain shot up my leg and spread throughout mumy entire body. I saw a bright white light flash before my eyes before my head went dizzy and I fell unconscious.

Hello again Lilgreendots (which I just realized, that's why you changed your avatar to "green dots", which I suppose aren't really "lil" though are "lil" 'cause of the monitor)!

I'm glad to finally read one of your works. So, this is fantasy. A prologue, I presume? There are lotsa character, and I couldn't keep up. But anyway, it's just a prologue. I guess, that doesn't matter.

Moving on, I like the way that your MC's a nerd (reminds me of one of my characters xD ), and the way you made her(or him, but I believe she's a she) talk is quite good. But there's something that this piece lacks. The end isn't that bad, but can be greatly improved. I suggest not to narrate that your MC fell unconscious, but rather show it. You know what they say, "show" not "tell". Anyway, you're good and you honestly have potential. I couldn't help but wonder what kind of novel this will be 'cause the intro is kind of just reality--but I'd love to check how this work--uhm--works.

Okay, lilgreendots! I hope I helped. I'm off to bed! *snore*

Hey!

So, what I noticed most about this was the lack of description. For starters, when you brought out her friends. We didn't get any information - physical, personal - about them to latch on to and to remember them by. All we have is the dialogue, really, and from that we get they're friends - some tease her, some defend her, all like her - but that isn't enough. We also don't know where in the car the friends are sitting, which helps us visualize the whole scene.

Another thing is, the crash. It was all telling - the car did this, she screamed, I saw a flash, I was dizzy. This is all good information, but how is she feeling? How is this affecting her, personally - what does she feel, see, what's going through her head. You tell us some of this, but it's like you're giving us a report. This happened, then this, then this. Make us feel it. Pretend you're in the car - how would you describe it then?

This was a fairly decent piece, but the prose didn't leave any lasting impressions on me, even on my mood, which it should. It's fairly typical, for this kind of work. Make it unique. Or at least make us lean forward towards the screen in anticipation.

Sorry if this's a bit harsh - I don't mean it to be - but showing not telling is a bit of advice every writer must learn.

loveness, ultraviolet <3

Hi MissDots! I can't believe I forgot to review this. I'm really sorry, I just had a lot to do that day and I forgot... I...er... remembered today, on reviewing day. *Sol hides in her own shadow*

"Cassie you know you're the only person that can make me feel like I'm in school when I'm not in school," Abby said.

Cassie, you know you're the only person that can make me feel like I'm in school when I'm not in school," Abby said.

"Oh cut her some slack," Brianna cut in "She's the only person I know that's taking Calculus, all honor classes, and extra college courses,"

"Oh, cut her some slack," Brianna cut in "She's the only person I know that's taking Calculus, all honor classes, and extra college courses."

"You know, you may be a nerd, but you're our nerd," my other friend Daisy jokingly added to the conversation.

"You know, you may be a nerd, but you're our nerd," my other friend, Daisy, jokingly added to the conversation.

"Oh yeah that reminds me, I've never been to Massachusetts, so when you get Harvard, don't forget to send me a postcard," Daisy said shifting her gaze from the road in front of her to me.

I would've write it like this: "Oh, yeah. That reminds me, I've never been to Massachusetts, so when you get Harvard, don't forget to send me a postcard," Daisy said, shifting her gaze from the road in front of her to me.

"Cassie," Abby was cut off from the sound of Brianna's voice when she screamed, "Daisy! Watch Out!" Brianna quickly shifted her gaze back to the road but it was too late. A loud crashing sound filled my ears as Daisy's Element slammed into the sea green Prius that was in front of us. Daisy's attempt to move out of the way was no use and it only sent the car flipping over and landing on its back. I heard Abby scream beside me be before an excruciating pain shot up my leg and spread throughout my entire body. I saw a bright white light flash before my eyes before my head went dizzy and I fell unconscious.

O____________________o

I like this story...I love how your write, Dotz! If you post another topic just PM I promise I won't proclastinate... LOL! Anyways... my name should be... Solvalery Chaoticly Procrastinator, right? xD Hahahaha, take care!