Brevity

Goddamn, but she is hot. Look at her. Fucking look at her, bro. Look at those cock-sucking lips. Look at those perky titties.

I bet she shaves her pussy.

What the fuck you waiting for, bro? Man the fuck up and get over there.

You lick your lips. Your heart is pounding, and you’re telling yourself to move, willing your legs to move, but you feel weak, your legs feel weak, and useless, and shaky, and won’t move.

You sigh. You’re so pathetic.

Lights glide over the crowd, like Technicolor fairies dancing over a lake. Everyone is writhing in time to the music. Strangers’ sweaty bodies are pushed up against yours. You don’t know anyone here. Whatever club you go to, you never know anyone there. You never talk to any girls, either.

You sigh. You’re so pathetic.

Occasionally girls will push past you, on their way to the toilet, or the bar, or wherever - and sometimes their soft bodies will rub temporarily against you, and its then that the loneliness threatens to overwhelm you.

But right-fucking-there: that girl is checking you out, I’m sure of it. She’s by herself, not two feet away, and smiling at you, bro. She’s obviously in to you. Make a fucking move.

You don’t need to do anything, though. The girl’s coming to you, the club’s lights transforming her blonde hair into a menagerie of different colours: red blue green red pink green purple red purple red purple red-

‘Hi,’ she says.

You open your mouth, but no words come out.

‘My name’s Candice.’

‘That’s a pretty name,’ you breathe. You’re shaking.

‘I think you’re cute. I’d like to get to know you better.’

Two minutes later, the two of you are in the disabled toilets. Candice is grinning at you as she loosens your belt and yanks your jeans down. Then she hitches her skirt up and you see she’s wearing no panties.

Shaven, bro. I told you. I fucking told you. Stick your cock in the bitch, you fucking stud.

You’re slamming your hips against her as fast as you can. You don’t feel a thing. ‘Am I in?’

‘Oh yeah. Keep going. Harder.’ Her heavy breathing turns into little moans.

But you’re penis is feeling - oh God. No. Not already.

It feels more like urinating then cumming.

Oh shit, bro. Harsh luck.

You carry on pounding her for a second or two, pretending not to have noticed. But already your penis is wilting. Your chest and throat filling with a choking sense of shame, you say, ‘I think I just - I think I just came.’

Candice’s eyes narrow. ‘Seriously?’

‘Sorry.’ You don’t know what else to say. You pull out of her.

‘Oh well,’ Candice says, and sighs. ‘That’ll have to do, I suppose.’ She grabs your penis with one hand, and pulls a knife from the handbag at her side.

Then something horrible happens.

Holy shit, bro. Holy shit. What the fuck?

You’re lying on the ground. Blood is spurting everywhere. You’re grasping at the ruin that is your crotch. Candice drops your penis into her bag.

You whimper. The world is going fuzzy. Candice is washing her hands. ‘It was lovely meeting you.’ She smiles, and turns, and leaves. The toilet door bangs shut behind her.

Pain is lancing through you, but - but, it’s fading. The world is spinning, spinning. You feel sick. This can’t be happening, it can’t.

‘Oh God,’ you say.

You’re dying.

You’re dying.

Shit, bro. I wasn’t expecting that.

But, bitches right? Haha. Bitches.

Haha.

Well, then.
I ignored the warning, and I'm glad I did so.

You have a special way of writing, putting minimal detail, but enough detail for your writing. I also happened to feel everything. I found it very weird, being a girl, reading from a guys perspective, but i liked it, I really did.
I also enjoyed that little twist at the end. I thought she'd just give up and walk away.
Nicely written!

Nice Job
~WickedWonder

cannoncomplex here,

And from the warning, i guessed you were right but the part with the knifing was a little surprise. Anyway, i'll review the story through context.

Avoiding the imagery, the background setting was a little confuse. I didn't realized that the story took part in a bar or at a street. the first lines gave the mood that it was a social gathering but whether this took place in a pub, party in the street was a little confusing. Secondly, is the character Candice. The character describe her as a bitch and from her actions, a little psychopathic. Aside from that there were only two colours in a spectrum: bitchy and psychopathic. There was a vague connection of her charisma and charm but it was not put into detail.

As for the ending itself, there is a vague on the guys death or lost of consciousness. There was also some mood that was there though it was a bit weak from the short description. I would suggest try to show some images from the guy's point of view. What was thinking/ seeing after that incident. What was the last thing he saw of Candice? What was ehr expression? How about the toilet?

By doing so, you are able to put more detail into the mood of the story.

Other than that, it was surprising-a good way- and good writing

I laughed so loud when I read the last bit there. That was amazing! The only criticism I can offer is that your pretty simile there - "Lights glide over the crowd, like Technicolor fairies dancing over a lake" - doesn't fit in with the rest of the story.

Oh boy, I laughed so hard. I love this. Thumbs up and keep it up!

Thanks for the feedback, lovely people. I want to cuddle the three of you.

Ha wow what a change in direction.
I find your character kinda crude, but I suppose all men think like that. And you know what I really liked your character, even though his last thought was about bitches.
Haha omg i loved it. I've never read anything like this before. It went from lusty to gory.
At first I was thinking like, If i was a guy who just lost his penis what in the world would be going through my mind. But now after thinking it, I wouldn't want to be thinking. I'd be wanting to die, and I wouldn't really care about anything after that, just the pain.
Good job! Your a great writer!

Loved that man, I didn't know we were allowed to post stuff like that on here! I didn't realise at first that the protagonist is talking to himself, but I love that, I love how he talks to himself like some hard gangsta but he's a total wimp who hangs around in clubs waiting for girls to nudge him out the way... I also love that the dick collector is called Candice, genius. Obviously it's crude, but its supposed to be. The whole culture of going clubbing and pulling is crude anyway, so it's a perfect setting... the only thing I would criticise really is the fairies over a lake thing, you need a grimier and bleaker metaphor there, and maybe the ending as well? I mean it's not a happy ending is it, but it could be a bit harder. That's my only suggestion really, take it or leave it

Well, wow.

I started reading this and thought, "Well, he wasn't kidding about the warning."

Then I smiled and kept reading. Seriously, I loved this. It had a funny edge to it that allowed us to pull back from the goryness (not a word, but you get what I mean).

Great description, I loved the part where the girls brush up against him. I think we've all felt something like this in our lives, and I could totally relate to it.

Nice piece. *likes*

Tanya