Garbage (GOYLBAWS Contest)

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 28282
Reviews 884
Spoiler
OK so our challenge was to write about an inanimate object, and the one I was given was a soda can. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet, so any comments or critiques would be awesome.


The can was lying on its dented side, wind whistling through its hollow core with a mournful sigh. The outer label was already beginning to fade in the penetrating rays of sunlight, and now it was little more than a piece of scrap that clung to the earth in desperation to fight being whipped away in the wind. To those who say an object made by man can never think or feel, they cannot remember their first bicycle and how it seemed to be alive, a newfound friend with the loyalty of a dog; or the way a star shines brighter when you make a wish. Eventually an object somehow stores memory and through it receives some form of life, until there is no more room to hold these things and no need, and then the object fades and dies as all things do. This can still rattled alive with memories, ones better left forgotten but essential to reveal. Yet there was no one - no one at all - to pick it up and see the incriminating evidence. There were finger prints, even very small stains of blood, that would tell befuddled police chiefs and heartbroken friends the story they needed to know with simple lab tests. With it they would have their one lead, a single piece of a treasure map that could bring them to the killer of poor Annalise Relanno. Yet there it sat in the dirt, and how long would it last before the rain came and washed away the vital signs that could save the lives of the murderer’s future prey? The small bottle of Coca-Cola had been the last thing the living hands of Annalise had touched; as time passed, that precious DNA would continue to disappear.
The fingerprints were mingled those of both Annalise and her pursuer, those of predator and prey. The perfect evidence, and yet no one was there to find it.


Then suddenly a car drove up, someone stepping out and stretching his stiff arms. He paced, ran his hands through his sandy hair, licked his sun-chapped lips. Warily, he looked around, remembering the news article about the young girl who had been upducted not far from here, and a strange feeling came over him. Shaking it off, he continued to work his aching muscles. His feet kicked the dirt as he shuffled along, and seeing the soda can he stopped. With a shrug he picked it up and, in good-natured intention, let it fall into the trash can.
Last edited by StoryWeaver13 on Sat Oct 16, 2010 3:26 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 899
Reviews 26
It's good-I liked the details you put into the first paragraph. It was going great, but I have some things to say about the murderer part.
It was well written.
I felt it took a mysterious and disconnected feeling away from the story.
On the other hand, It did connect the can to the real world.
I would give it an A
(a+ are hard)
I didn't see any grammatical errors, so good job.
Liked the ending with the garbage can.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 15813
Reviews 213
Hiya Story! I'm SporkPunk and I'll review this today. :D

Grammar:

It was lying

Much, much easier to say "It lay." Also, it gets rid of passive voice, which is rather annoying to read. xD

in a desperation

You don't need "a."

finger prints

"Fingerprints" is actually only one word. :)

Other than that, I have no nitpicks. I suggest, though, that you look for ways to simplify your story because as it is, the reading gets...awkward in some places.

Plot/content things:
So, I like the direction you took the prompt in. And I liked the ending rather a lot. However, midway through your first paragraph, it became more telling than showing, which isn't the best. You kind of lost me somewhere in there. But then you resume showing a little later. You might want to look at that. xD Other than that, it's quite the interesting piece.

Keep Writing! And good luck with GOYLBAWS.
---Spork
Grasped by the throat, grasped by the throat. That's how I feel about love. That it's not worth it.

REVIEWS FOR YOU | | Uprising (coming soon!)




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 2122
Reviews 43
Overall, I liked it. Really good idea and written well. And it was interesting (the good interesting :))Here's some things I think you could improve on:

It was lying on its dented side, wind whistling through the empty tin can with a mournful sigh.


This sentence made it sound like 'it' was a completely different thing from the 'empty tin can'. Maybe say,

The empty tin can was lying on its dented side, wind whistling through it with a mournful sigh.


in a desperation to fight being whipped away in the wind.


This doesn't make sense. I would put something about it 'desperately fighting not to be whipped away by the wind'. Okay, that's not a good example, but you get my point.

Then suddenly a car drove up, someone stepping out and stretching his stiff arms. His feet kicked the dirt as he shuffled along, and seeing the soda can he stopped. With a shrug he picked it up and, in good-natured intention, let it fall into the garbage can.


I liked the ending, but it was too sudden. Maybe add more description there... or something.

You kinda lost me in the middle. It would've been easier to read if you'd split it into more paragraphs.

Apart from that... yeah, see the top. :)
We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance.-Japanese Proverb



who you become at your worst isn't who you are
— canopy