Confusing

It's wonderful,
The way he looks at me,
Like he wants more than friendship.
It's strange,
The way he talks to me,
Like he likes it the way we are.
It's humiliating,
The way I get so jealous,
When he talks to her.
It's infuriating,
The way he kisses her,
Something I'll never know.
It's horrible,
The way he can guess what I'm thinking,
And he knows how I feel.
But it's amazing,
The way he makes me feel,
When it's just us talking.
And it's confusing,
The way I can't help myself,
From falling in love with him.
Even if he doesn't love me back.


It's been a while since I've last posted something. Just some really downer days lately, and homework! Seriously, high school's only for the brave. Feedback is appreciated grately. Thanks,
Leah
(-iheartbooks ♥)

Hi Leah! I'm SporkPunk, and I'll review this today.

First off, before I really begin, I want to say that I can relate to this poem. Except...my predicament doesn't involve a guy with a girlfriend. Just a guy. xD Anyway, that relation is a good thing. This poem is very straightforward, and I think it conveys your message well. My only nitpick is toward the bottom, you use "me feel" a couple times, and read aloud it sounds kind of awkward.

Keep Writing! (and posting!)
---Spork

iheartbooks wrote:It's wonderful,
The way he looks at me, How does he look at you? A simile or metaphor would be good here because you can say something like: The way he looks at me as he looks upon gold. Something that gives us more to grasp on to. And relate with.
Like he wants more than friendship. Oh, you did have a simile, but it's not exactly that good, reason being is that, how does someone look when they want more than friendship? Are their eyes opened more and constently staring into yours? What is this like?
It's strange, Strange how? Twilight zone strange? Aliens dropping down strange? Weird piece of food on the floor strange? Random action strange? And you can better tie that in with his words by using a metaphor. Saying like: His strange words are a hippie boasting capital punishment. Something that would show how it is strange.
The way he talks to me,
Like he likes it the way we are. This is very direct, you can use better simile here too. When you're this direct, it's just boring. There's nothing to figure out or ponder on.
It's humiliating,
The way I get so jealous,
When he talks to her.
It's infuriating,
The way he kisses her, In what ways does he do these things? Does he kiss her like he knows that you're watching? You're giving a lot of vague description that can't really be interpreted and it's just eh.
Something I'll never know. What? Where did that even come from?
It's horrible,
The way he can guess what I'm thinking,
And he knows how I feel.
But it's amazing,
The way he makes me feel, You should drop the way and make it how. So it says: but it's amazing. how he makes me feel. And what are you feeling? How am I supposed to relate? I can't, this is just too general.
When it's just us talking.
And it's confusing,
The way I can't help myself,
From falling in love with him.
Even if he doesn't love me back. Mehhh, ending was expected. It was cliche and predictable. Cliche is bad because it's extremely boring. I am sure if you look to more obscure ways of describing this it could help, so long as you're not too obscure, because it still needs to make sense.
(-iheartbooks ♥)

Over all:
The way you describe things is very direct, you should losen it up with more of how these things are happening what is happening. Other than, oh I'm feeling, I'm feeling. It's great, the way I feel when he speaks. That cannot be related to.

You do have flow, which is good. Your thoughts do run into one another and the progression through the poem from jealousy / hate to submission. It does capture how it happens but not what happens within it, you have the big picture down but not the mechanics to it.

Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.