A Monster

Revised the poem a bit,
Didn't spend much time on the revision though.
I'm not so into this poem,
it was more of a spare of the moment poem out of anger.
But here it goes:


Hidden deep inside your eyes,
A monster starts to come alive

Committing sins, chin up high
Find you soul before it dies.

Shocking crime
Fearful hate
Your heart pounds
It’s not too late

Find that boy once full of pride
I know he’s there, no need to hide.






_____________________________________________________________________________



Buried deep under your skin
A monster waits, hidden within

Sharpened claws, filled with spite
The monster sits at the dead of night

He snacks on sins
And swallows hate
He’ll watch you cry
He’ll decide your fate

Son Look right through your empty eyes
The monsters their, you cannot hide.

Holy jumpin' cows! Now I'm scared. This is awesomely done, but I believe on the last line you mean 'there' instead of 'their' but that's an easy mistake. I do it all the time. And I love how the third stanza is like a bridge in a song, like, it has it's own little deal going on there...Great job!

itsjustemilie wrote:Buried deep under your skin
A monster waits, hidden within Interesting...

Sharpened claws, filled with spite
The monster sits at the dead of night Ha, whaaaat? I got the feel that the monster was always in you, always scratching at you. But just at night? Okay. Are you just saying things just to make it rhyme?

He snacks on sins
And swallows hate
He’ll watch you cry
He’ll decide your fate Is it Satan...?

Son, look right through your empty eyes
The monsters their, you cannot hide. Awesome.

This sounds like a ten second poem. One you may have jotted down to turn it before your teacher got mad (I've done it before, and that's okay). Maybe practice with different words, different word scheme. Not all poems have to rhyme. Keep the same feeling, just a different poem. Great job!

This is okay, but I feel like it has the potential to be amazing. And I think all you have to do is stay away from that rhyme scheme. Rhyme schemes can help to enhance poetry, but they can also condemn you into a tiny box of words and ideas, and when you're bending over backwards to try to keep that rhyme going it can hurt your poetry. I think the last reviewer hit the nail on the head by saying that you should start from scratch, but keep the idea, because it has potential to open up to whole different layers. But as the poem stands it's still good, just nothing unique. Try digging deeper and I think you'll see how far an idea like this can go.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Thanks guys,
Revised it a bit. I'm not going to spend to much time on this poem however.
It was pretty much just a quick poem i wrote when i was angry, Poems out of anger aren't my favorite.
I'd love to hear any reviews on it though.

I actually like the original more than the revised version.
Well some of it anyway, particularly the last line. Do you think you could maybe join them together to make a slightly longer poem?
I don't really know much about poetry so my opinion probably doesn't mean much, but I like your poem all the same.

itsjustemilie wrote:Buried deep under your skin
A monster waits, hidden within You've already said that it's buried deep under your skin, meaning that it's hidden, so you can drop that idea, and replace it something less redundent. I am sure you can do that. And I hope your rhyme isn't too forced, becuase rhyme isn't needed. Its ment to give more rhythem to the poem. Do you need more rhythem?

Sharpened claws, filled with spite So they're more like venomous fangs? Or more like claws, seepened with spite? If you give a more literal way of describing things, it can make it easier to understand. But that's just me. And you should try to use a simile or metaphor here. They (similes and metaphors) really help to make the connections between emotion and objects a lot easier. Saying like: Sharpened claws like a purposely burnned dinner. It implies the spite and makes it more interesting, as well as it may even help you gain a theme and it can allow you to explore more complex imagery. (PM me if you really want to hear about that.)
The monster sits at the dead of night Again, here a smilie or metaphor would be nice, to help make it less direct and more entertaining. It's no fun playing chess if you know what's going to happen, right? Well, it's no fun reading a poem when all the description is so direct and bland. And why does it matter if this monster sits at the dead of night? That doesn't even sound very monsterish.

He snacks on sins Alright. If this is ment to create a scary tone, welllllll. It doesn't. Snacks isn't exactly a scary word, and other than that, what is the relevance? Why does it matter that he snacks on sin? Unless it is some sort of sin that you've commited, in that case, you should mention that more closely to this. And if it doesn't even relate to you, and it just describes the monster, show that instead of directly stating it. Saying like: I commit wrath, where a monster's teeth marks my words. Something like that, that will leave something to be figured out and shows how the monster eats sin. It eats the words of wrath- Anger and jealousy. Same goes for the swallows hate.
And swallows hate
He’ll watch you cry
He’ll decide your fate This is pretty list like, which is boring and lacks flow. You might want to make these more interconnected. Saying he snacks on sin, swallowing hate, watching you cry as he decides your fate. Just those little words inbetween your lines can give it more flow.

Son Look right through your empty eyes Soon? And this is kinda cliche, how many times have you heard of someone talking about empty eyes? Gray eyes, dull eyes, same thing really. Try to see if you can find a better and more monsterish way to say he's looking at your soul. Perhaps through action? Saying like: He cracks your head open with migrand headaches. Something like that, you need to fill it what it's really about and how you really want to show it. Actions are a good way to show things as well as similies and metaphors when you're using more direct description. That would be like: Your empty eyes are on center stage. Or he looks through your eyes like an empty hallway.
The monsters their, you cannot hide. There, not their, their is used to show possession, not a place.

Over all, your rhyme was kinda forced, you DO NOT NEED RHYME. Rhyme is a tool and it is up to you to use that tool. If you use it incorrectly, it breaks or becomes worn down and usless, right? Well, if you're trying to force a tool to work, it will break and you will have no tool and you might have damaged what you were using that tool on. IE: This poem and it's rhyme.

Try rewriting this without the rhyme, figure out what you really want to say and then build around it. Find ways to show what is happening instead of bluntly saying it.

And speaking of what you're really trying to say, what is it? I didn't manage to pick up on any hints to what this could be trying to say. It's about a monster that eats sin and swallows hate, but what does that mean to me? OR to you even? How am I supposed to react to this? The thing is, I really can't, there's nothing for me to relate to. If you leave such blank description (words like sin and hate and other subjective words / actions) it becomes a boring and confusing piece.

If you have any questions about this review, PM me.
Good luck keep writing.
Silented1.

Hello, Rain hear,

I don't know, I kind off like this. If you wrote more to it, I'm sure this would be a pretty good poem. Now its good, I like the discribsions, and the flow and rhythm is pretty good as well.

Hidden deep inside your eyes,
A monster starts to come alive << I like this beginning, and the lines just flow together, which is really good.

Committing sins, chin up high
Find your soul before it dies.

{Shocking crime
Fearful hate
Your heart pounds
It’s not too late}I think you should make this into a two line stanza, to go with the rest of the poem...

Find that boy once full of pride
I know he’s there, no need to hide. << Good ending

Like I said, I think you should add on to this, give it more body.

~Rain~

Dude I love this!
well actually I love all your poetry works
I love the imagry that is created and the structure of this poem

great job!

I like some parts of the first version better, and some parts of the second. Overall, I think they're both pretty cool.