Love's Leaving Us

Love's leaving us.
We can feel it fading,
We argue too often
Expect more than we give
We got too comfortable
being apart
and sleeping alone.
Love's leaving us,
We never hug or kiss,
we are empty, hollow, distant
Stumbling through a haze
sightless,
And everyday is pointless, meaningless
without love.

Yet without you
Life is worthless,
it means nothing.
Love's leaving us,
and we can't stop it.
We listen to love songs
but don't feel them.
Love's leaving us,
and suddenly, i feel it
this time it transpires in memories,
Memories of us.
Here we are, remembering
The mistakes we made
but never forgave,
how we got here,
what it took to make us work.
Bear with me, stay with me
I can't bear the loss.
it's too late.
Love's left us,
And we no longer feel it.

General comments:
Blue is grammar.

LeonieLacey wrote:Love's leaving us.
I don't know why, You contradicted yourself. At first you said that you didn't know why, but then the rest of the poem is about why the love is leaving. The way it is now you could take of everything until the second 'Love's leaving us," and the poem would be perfectly fine.
but it's fading.
Love's leaving us,
because we argued too often
and expected more than we could give I think you could take 'because' and 'and' out and it would add a lot to the rhythm of the poem. Read the poem out loud both ways and you will see what I mean. But, this is really just a suggestion. O.K., as I read the rest of the poem you start your lines with 'and' a lot. I think you should take a few of those out. It would make the lines have a lot more impact. I highlighted the ones I think you should in pink.
We got too comfortable
being apart
and sleeping alone.
Love's leaving us,
because we never hug, I think there needs to be a word between 'hug,' and 'kiss'. Like 'or', because right now it sounds choppy and abrupt. kiss
we are empty bodies, soulless
we are stumbling through a haze
sightless,
and every day is pointless, meaningless
without love. I just added the period.
#FF00BF ">and here we are, pleading
#FF00BF ">and hoping that love won't leave us
Because without you
Life is worthless, it means nothing.
Love's leaving us,
#FF00BF ">and we can't stop it.
We are motionless, spellbound, I don't really get this line....
we listen to love songs
but don't feel them.
Love's leaving us,
and suddenly I feel it
this time it transpires in memories
Memories of us.
Now (I am not sure why you have this word here.) here we are, remembering
how we got here, what it took to make us work.
It's too late.
Love's left us, and now we feel it. I love the ending, but I would leave 'Love's left us,' on one line like you did with all the others for repetitions sake...

This poem is awesome. The best I have read in a while. I love the concept. Maybe because we don't see a lot of it around YWS... Well we do yet not. It is not unusually about a serious relationship. One thing I would like to see is instead of just telling why love is leaving I would like to know what the person thinks about love leaving. You know what I mean? You also tell us everything instead of show. I would like to have some showing mixed in. As far as poetry goes this poem is great. You have rhythm down pretty good though it could be refined. I would like to see some more imagery too, but that might just be something I am not going to see in this type of poem.

Hope I helped,

A. S.

Thanks for reviewing this poem, it really helped. i'm new to this site, so i'm still figuring things out, and that was my first post. The review was great, and i will be changing some of things about the poem, so that it might make more sense!

Leonie..I swear i'm going to blow a gasket..or casket,or whatever it is
This is so, so lovley! I have no idea why, but it makes me think of Elvis Presley..strange haha!
Quite sad,Is it about an elderly couple/young couple?
As usual, your poetry astounds me..and i'm pretty sure i spelt "asstounds" wrong haha!

'Asstounds' no, i think thats how it's normally spelled! Elvis? How random! I think it was more like a couple who had been married for many years, and now their kids have grown up, and they are alone again, and have forgotten why they loved eachother in the first place. I don't know...maybe you see it differently, but that was the general idea i was going for.Thanks!