Lover's Cry

Lover's Cry
Aching heart, within me,
My aching heart bleeding.
Weeping soul, inside me,
My weeping soul helpless.
Within me I cry for you,
Within me I ache for you,
Within me I weep for the love
We will never share.
Forgotten woe, coming,
Forgotten woe, remembered.
Wishful dreams, reaching,
Wishful dreams, falling short.
Sleeping, I dream for you.
Sleeping, I long for you,
Sleeping, I crave the love
We will never come to realize.
Within the confines of my heart,
My longing brings me to tears,
To my knees in reverence,
For the Love we share.
I crave the freedom of your home,
From the slavery of mine.
I want the love within our heart,
To be forever mine and thine.




This is a poem I am using in the novel I am writing at the moment.

Hello my friend! Flower here, and I will be your first reviewer it seems. One thing that I noticed throughout the poem is the constant repitition. Sometimes repition works, but not if you use it to much, which you have done in this poem.

[quote="megefford"]Lover's Cry
Aching heart, within me, Is the comma really nessecary after heart? It doens't really fit with the flow very well.My aching heart bleeding. Like here, it doesn't really have to be repeated. You could just say bleeding, and think of something else to fit with it.
Weeping soul, inside me,
My weeping soul helpless. The word helpless here interupts the flow. If you put it at the begining of the line and changed the end it would sound nice, but it's completely up to you.
Within me I cry for you,
Within me I ache for you, I would take away the words within me. It gives the poem more strength if you just say it once.
Within me I weep for the love I would put, and I ,instead of within me, if you take my advice from above.
We will never share.
Forgotten woe, coming, This line doesn't make much sense to me.
Forgotten woe, remembered.
Wishful dreams, reaching,
Wishful dreams, falling short. The repition isn't nessecary here.
Sleeping, I dream for you.
Sleeping, I long for you, Erase the repition of sleeping.
Sleeping, I crave the love
We will never come to realize.
Within the confines of my heart,
My longing brings me to tears,
To my knees in reverence,
For the Love we share.
I crave the freedom of your home,
From the slavery of mine. I know this feeling, but you are very jumpy in the last lines.
I want the love within our heart, I thought there was no love, you are contridicting yourself.
To be forever mine and thine.




I am not going to really comment on much of what I said above, so this will be somewhat short.

I really liked this, but you are really jumpy. You go from one subject to the next without a reason to. I would suggest dragging it out, give a reason for a subject change.

Also you give no description at all. It makes your poem drag and doesn't keep the readers attention. Adding some description would be a nice touch to your poem.

Last but not least, your punctuation. You have it in some weird places. It interups the flow of the poem, which could use some work in itself. I would read the poem outloud to yourself to see where you pause. I know it sounds stupid, but it works.

I hope I have been helpful, and not to harsh.

-Flow-

Hi there I'm just going to tell you what I think. It's just my opinion. You're the writer so you know how it's supposed to sound. This is how I see it. I think it would be great if you put some breaks like after the last line you talked about weeping. I guess after a major point. My reasoning is because it can seem a little overwhelming. At least I felt that at first. It was a good poem. I really enjoyed it. You did an excelent job with it. I love the wording. Good job

Keep writing!
~Dannielle~

Flower~Child said it all. Way too repetitious, loses the reader's attention and interest.