Part 1 of the story behind Spiritglass City

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Baria breathed the clean night air of the forest, calming her pulse. She placed a hand on her rounding belly, three months pregnant. Her husband of the Forest Rights was gone as of this morning, gone for a few months while he brought his kingdom of Shakra under control and toward peace. He was the ruler of his kingdom and was proud of it. Three months ago they were married by the Forest Rights; a ceremony of the Sangevue Coven that celebrated the Goddess and her consort. It was called the marriage of Darma and Moiwran. She would leave the coven when he came for her, and leave her priestess-hood behind. The swirling, elegant tattoos that marked her face, neck and collarbone with the symbols of the Goddess’s Daughters would fade to light blue, and she would raise her daughter only to be sent to the coven at age twelve.
She pushed that thought away with impatience. It will not do to mourn the loss of the daughter I might not be carrying... Even as she thought this she knew it was nonsense. The High Priestess of the coven had Seen a daughter, and her own Sight told her that she was carrying a girl-child, not a boy. She heard the soft foot-falls of her fellow priestess and turned to see who it was. It was Serene, a young priestess.
Serene was also pregnant. She came and took Baria’s hand, and they stood facing the direction of the full moon. Serene broke the silence some time later, whispering “I am glad you have these few months to stay with us before your husband, the king, comes to take you away.”
“I am too, Serene. I will miss you, I think, most of all.” They had been together always, being raised in the coven from birth, and living together in the virgin dormitories. “I will promise to visit, as must you.”
The young woman hesitated and said in a confused voice, “I do not think I will ever leave the safety of the coven, Baria. I do not feel anything for me outside of our forest dwelling, but for you I do, although it feels short...”
Serene had been a true Seeress; while all women in the coven could See, only a few would have enough strength and talent to become Seeresses. Baria turned to face the other woman and held her hands, speaking to her quietly and calmly so as to not scare her from the Sight. “What do you See Serene?”
Serene shook her head slowly, and said “I See Baria, and her husband...” The young woman was lost in the vision and slowly sank to her knees. Baria helped her so she wouldn’t hurt herself. “They are riding into a trap, many men are waiting for them around the corner, but they cannot see... Baria stops, says something to her lord husband, but I cannot hear...”
“It is alright, you need not hear, just See- tell me what you See...” Panic was rising in Baria, but she kept her voice and hands steady with her training.
“I See...I am above them now. Baria asked to stop, I think. Her husband yells and pulls her forward, urging her to go continue, shaking her arm, motioning to the child in the cart pulled by two ponies... They continue forward, but Baria moves to ride beside the cart with her babe... The babe is new, very new. Her nurse is sleeping beside the child... They have rounded the corner...” The calm, deadpan voice which Serene was speaking in was making Baria’s anxiety worse.
She risked the loss of the Sight and shook Serene’s shoulders, saying “What is happening? Tell me, what is happening?”
“The men come out, yelling at Baria’s husband. I can hear them now, they are saying that he is unfit to be king, that she is a bastard and evil and they will cut down the evil in the kingdom... They stab at his horse, who is frightened... He is caught unaware, and falls off his horse. The men stab at him, while Baria screams, she screams...” Baria felt dizzy, but she held firmly to Serene’s hands, whispering words to help Serene stay in the vision, while slowly sinking into shock. “She takes her child and chants a spell of transportation, and the air pulls at her hair and clothing... The child disappears... Baria is screaming again, holding the blanket and dress the child wore close to her body. The men get to her and behead her, quickly, cleanly... She is dead...Dead... Baria? Baria! Where are you, darling, Baria!”
The girl convulsed in Baria’s hands, and woke up from her trance breathing hard. She shook her head and said “What did I See?”
Sometimes when a priestess was taken by a vision the Goddess blocked it from her memory. Some people were not meant to hear or see what the vision shows, but they where the right person at the right time for the vision.
“I don’t know if I should tell you, if you cannot remember.” Baria was still shell-shocked.
“It has made you upset; are you alright?” Serene cupped Baria’s cheek with her palm.
Baria nodded slowly. “I will be, as soon as I have a moment to think through what you Saw.”
“Come, let’s get you back to our cottage, and we can rest.”

Four months later Baria’s husband returned. Their plan was to stay in the Coven until the baby was born. The coven held a feast for his arrival, fit with singing and dancing. After dinner Baria took her husband aside to speak to him about leaving right away.
“Kuilu, husband, please consider leaving now.” She held his hands, and tried to appeal to his soft side. “I really feel that the baby would be safer if we left now and not when she is born and out of the safety of my body.”
Instead of relenting, he thought she was overwrought. “My dear, you must be tired after tonight’s excitement. Are you feeling too hot, or too cold?”
She shook her head, impatient. “No, no, just listen, please. Serene had a vision, and it showed us attacked, dying if we leave after the baby is born. We should leave now, while the baby is safe and while we can ride quickly.”
Kuilu sighed. “Baria, I understand you believe in the vision, and I understand a mother’s need to protect her child. However we cannot leave now without insulting the coven, as you well know-”
“The High Priestess will understand; we told her about the vision and said it was our choice. It would not insult them.”
Kuilu frowned. “I understand women have a great position here, but when we go to my home, you must understand that women have only the position of consort to their husbands and mother to their children. You might want to get used to not getting your own way at all times.”
“How dare you!” Baria hissed. She had known the position she was being married into, but she had thought that her husband was a good man, and one who might like a wife with some sense. Apparently he had wanted a breeding cow instead. “I am not the kind of soft-minded woman who will just allow you to run my life. I am a priestess, and a princess of the old blood. You have no right to order me to do anything-”
Kuilu grabbed her shoulders, shaking her. Baria was glad they had retreated to an empty room to argue. She slapped his hands away, but he grabbed her hands in a vice-like grip. “You do as I say woman, because we are married. You are carrying my child. By law, it is mine, and so are you. Don’t think to rule anything, accept maybe the gardens. Even the learning my child will receive is up to me to decide. One thing is for certain; I will not allow any girl-child to be brought up as you have.”
“Fine, if you want to die, so be it. I will do as you say, but only because I know that it will end in our death, and you will have no hold over me or my babe when you are dead and she is being raised in the coven or at the Temple. And yes, I do say my child, because she is in my stomach, and your part in her life was over and done with seven months ago. Her life is not up to you; if I didn’t want to carry her I could have cast her out of my body. Do you understand? You have no idea what you are talking about.” She wrenched her hands out of his grip and backed away. “Your hold over me is nothing. I could run away and you would never hear from me again.”
The king was not used to being spoken to like this, particularly by a woman. “And why don’t you? Because, you stupid woman, if you did you would never be accepted into a respectable household.”
“You think I care about the so called ‘respectable households’ of your kind? I would rather die than have anything to do with them. They are cages for women, insulting places that are built upon the pride and idiocy of men.” As she spoke she backed towards the door, glaring at her husband. “I hope we die, so my child can grow up apart from your influence!” With this parting stab, she went through and slammed the door in his snarling face.
Last edited by megefford on Thu Oct 14, 2010 7:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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I am writing a novel that is about the child in this story; what do you think so far? I needed to get out the background story before I could figure out the actual story. It changed a lot as I was writing it, so it isn't what I first thought it would be. It would be great if you could tell me if it is interesting (maybe thinking of continuing this as first of the series and then Spiritglass as #2?) and what could be changed.




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all in all an interesting story. i would advise you to continue writing, because #1 i'd like to read more, and #2 the more you get out on paper, the better you get. as for individual things that could be changed, the first paragraph introduces an overwhelming amount of names, and is overflowing with content. to revise, it might be best to spread it out a little, and go into more detail to give the reader time to process. also, in one of the paragraphs, you said "The men come out, yelling at Baria’s husband. I can hear them now, they are saying that he is unfit to be king, that she is a bastard". that is a little confusing, because i'm not sure who the pronoun 'she' is refering to. if it's a typo, change it, if it's not, add a subject.
as for content, i liked the feel of the story, as it seemed Legend of the seeker ish. as you go on, don't forget to clearly specify the rules of magic, since introducing the power to tell the future poses many questions, a does teleporting. it is fine telling the reader to suspend disbelief, so long as you tell them what they are supposed to believe. several questions you might want to answer are: is the future they see unavoidable? how far in the future can they see? and what causes their visions.
also, kuilu is a jerk with no sense of chivalry. if he was a real man, he would treat women with respect.
hope you got something out of this review, and feel free to check out my story "the way of the jungle".

--- your friend, Psudiname
if anyone wants a review, post on my profile and I'll get to it in a couple days.




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Psudiname- Thanks for the review! That helps a lot. I'm thinking of re-doing this one because it isn't as good as it can be. Thanks again for your help!




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Spoiler
megefford wrote:
Baria breathed the clean night air of the forest, calming her pulse. She placed a hand on her rounding belly, three months pregnant. Her husband of the Forest Rights was gone as of this morning, gone for a few months while he brought his kingdom of Shakra under control and toward peace. He was the ruler of his kingdom [He obviously would be if you say that he brought "his kingdom"] and was proud of it. Three months ago they were married by the Forest Rights; a ceremony of the Sangevue Coven that celebrated the Goddess [Who is the goddess? Is it just a generic goddess? I'm getting a feeling that it's Baria, based on how you wrote this] and her consort. It was called the marriage of Darma and Moiwran [I'm not sure what's going on here... isn't one of the people getting married Baria? This is a bit confusing so far]. She would leave the Coven when he came for her, and leave her priestess-hood [I think a more elegant way of saying this is "she would leave the temple behind" or "she would leave the shrine behind", whatever may be the case] behind. The swirling, elegant tattoos that marked her face, neck and collarbone with the symbols of the Goddess’s Daughters would fade to light blue, and she would raise her daughter only to be sent to the Coven at age twelve.

She pushed that thought away with impatience. It will not do to mourn the loss of the daughter I might not be carrying... Even as she thought this, she knew it was nonsense. The High Priestess of the Coven had Seen a daughter, and her own Sight told her that she was carrying a girl-child, not a boy. [Why is she doubting that it is a girl, if both she and someone else has Seen it? Can the Sight be wrong?] She heard the soft foot-falls of her fellow priestess and turned to see who it was. It was Serene, a young priestess.

Serene was also pregnant. She came and took Baria’s hand, and they stood facing the direction of the full moon. Serene broke the silence some time later, whispering, “I am glad you have these few months to stay with us before your husband, the king, [isn't it already a known fact that her husband is the king? comes to take you away.”

“I am too, Serene. I will miss you, I think, most of all.” They had been together always, being raised in the Coven from birth, and living together in the virgin dormitories. “I will promise to visit, as must you.”

The young woman hesitated and said in a confused voice, “I do not think I will ever leave the safety of the Coven, Baria. I do not feel anything for me outside of our forest dwelling, but for you I do, although it feels short...”

Serene had been a true Seeress; while all women in the Coven could See, only a few would have enough strength and talent to become Seeresses [...ssss. Personally, I'd chuck the gender equality aside and just call them Seers]. Baria turned to face the other woman and held her hands, speaking to her quietly and calmly so as to not scare her from the Sight. “What do you See, Serene?” [is the Sight always "turned on"?]

Serene shook her head slowly, and said “I See Baria, and her husband...” The young woman was lost in the vision and slowly sank to her knees. Baria helped her so she wouldn’t hurt herself. [I'd be more concerned about the child she's carrying] “They are riding into a trap, many men are waiting for them around the corner, but they cannot see... Baria stops, says something to her lord husband, but I cannot hear...”

“It is alright, you need not hear, just See- tell me what you See...” Panic was rising in Baria, but she kept her voice and hands steady with her training.

“I See...I am above them now. Baria asked to stop, I think. Her husband yells and pulls her forward, urging her to go continue, shaking her arm, motioning to the child in the cart pulled by two ponies... They continue forward, but Baria moves to ride beside the cart with her babe... The babe is new, very new. Her nurse is sleeping beside the child... They have rounded the corner...” The calm, deadpan voice which Serene was speaking in was making Baria’s anxiety worse. [I didn't imagine it to be calm and deadpan. The heavy use of ellipses makes it sound more like a drawl than anything else]

She risked the loss of the Sight and shook Serene’s shoulders, [isn't she trained not to do this?] saying, “What is happening? Tell me, what is happening?”

“The men come out, yelling at Baria’s husband. I can hear them now, they are saying that he is unfit to be king, that she is a bastard and evil and they will cut down the evil in the kingdom... They stab at his horse, who is frightened... He is caught unaware, and falls off his horse. The men stab at him, while Baria screams, she screams...” Baria felt dizzy, but she held firmly to Serene’s hands, whispering words to help Serene stay in the vision, while slowly sinking into shock. “She takes her child and chants a spell of transportation, and the air pulls at her hair and clothing... The child disappears... Baria is screaming again, holding the blanket and dress the child wore close to her body. The men get to her and behead her, quickly, cleanly... She is dead...Dead... Baria? Baria! Where are you, darling, Baria!”

The girl convulsed in Baria’s hands, and woke up from her trance breathing hard. She shook her head and said “What did I See?”

Sometimes when a priestess was taken by a vision the Goddess blocked it from her memory. [I don't like that you reveal this in your narrative, it breaks the suspension of disbelief and feels like an infodump in some way. I'd go for something like "The Goddess must've blocked her vision from her memory, Baria thought" or something] Some people were not meant to hear or see what the vision shows, but they were the right person at the right time for the vision.

“I don’t know if I should tell you, if you cannot remember.” Baria was still shell-shocked.[This sounds like a story set in medieval times. The expression "shell-shocked" should not exist where there is no heavy artillery. Once again, this tugs at my suspension of disbelief]

“It has made you upset; are you alright?” Serene cupped Baria’s cheek with her palm.

Baria nodded slowly. “I will be, as soon as I have a moment to think through what you Saw.”

“Come, let’s get you back to our cottage, and we can rest.”


[Such sudden transitions are best done with a bigger break, like this]


Four months later Baria’s husband returned. Their plan was to stay in the Coven until the baby was born. The Coven held a feast for his arrival, fit with singing and dancing. After dinner Baria took her husband aside to speak to him about leaving right away.

“Kuilu, husband, [Realistically, would a wife call her husband "husband"? But if your world works this way, feel free to leave this as it is] please consider leaving now.” She held his hands, and tried to appeal to his soft side. “I really feel that the baby would be safer if we left now and not when she is born and out of the safety of my body.”

Instead of relenting, he thought she was overwrought. “My dear, you must be tired after tonight’s excitement. Are you feeling too hot, or too cold?”

She shook her head, impatient. “No, no, just listen, please. Serene had a vision, and it showed us attacked, dying if we leave after the baby is born. We should leave now, while the baby is safe and while we can ride quickly.”

Kuilu sighed. “Baria, I understand you believe in the vision, and I understand a mother’s need to protect her child. However we cannot leave now without insulting the Coven, as you well know-”

“The High Priestess will understand; we told her about the vision and said it was our choice. It would not insult them.”

Kuilu frowned. “I understand women have a great position here, but when we go to my home, you must understand that women have only the position of consort to their husbands and mother to their children. You might want to get used to not getting your own way at all times. [Is this guy for real? Does he not care about his child? Even if a stinky hobo told me that my (hypothetical) child would die around the corner, I would still avoid that corner]

“How dare you!” Baria hissed. She had known the position she was being married into, but she had thought that her husband was a good man, and one who might like a wife with some sense. Apparently he had wanted a breeding cow instead. “I am not the kind of soft-minded [Soft-willed, perhaps? There are plenty of intelligent women in abusive relationships, and "soft-midned" sounds like "stupid"] woman who will just allow you to run my life. I am a priestess, and a princess of the old blood. You have no right to order me to do anything-”

Kuilu grabbed her shoulders, shaking her. [This guy really has no concern for the child, does he?] Baria was glad they had retreated to an empty room to argue. She slapped his hands away, but he grabbed her hands in a vice-like grip. “You do as I say woman, because we are married. You are carrying my child. By law, [by whose law?] it is mine, and so are you. Don’t think to rule anything, except maybe the gardens. Even the learning my child will receive is up to me to decide. One thing is for certain; I will not allow any girl-child to be brought up as you have.” [This lovely pair doesn't really sound like happy newlyweds, do they?]

“Fine, if you want to die, so be it. I will do as you say, [wasn't she saying something about not being weak-minded?] but only because I know that it will end in our death, and you will have no hold over me or my babe when you are dead and she is being raised in the Coven or at the Temple. And yes, I do say my child, because she is in my stomach, ["womb" would work better here than "stomach", I think - this girl sounds educated, and using "stomach" kind of ruins it] and your part in her life was over and done with seven months ago. Her life is not up to you; if I didn’t want to carry her I could have cast her out of my body. Do you understand? You have no idea what you are talking about.” She wrenched her hands out of his grip and backed away. “Your hold over me is nothing. I could run away and you would never hear from me again.”

The king was not used to being spoken to like this, particularly by a woman. “And why don’t you? Because, you stupid woman, if you did you would never be accepted into a respectable household.”

“You think I care about the so called ‘respectable households’ of your kind? I would rather die than have anything to do with them. They are cages for women, insulting places that are built upon the pride and idiocy of men.” As she spoke she backed towards the door, glaring at her husband. “I hope we die, so my child can grow up apart from your influence!” [Why doesn't she just run away? Does ANYONE care about that little girl?] With this parting stab, she went through and slammed the door in his snarling face.



The spoiler above contains my full review. My comments are inside [red brackets].

We'll start with characterization. King Kuilu starts out as a decent enough man, but then he kind of spirals down to douche-ville in a matter of paragraphs. If you want the reader to really dislike this guy, I'd suggest making him a douche all the way, and writing in some kind of back-story as to why Baria had to marry him. There are a few reasons for this. First of all, it doesn't make sense that this violent, possessive side of him hasn't made an appearance in the seven months up 'till now (and thus had given Baria reason to doubt the marriage). Second, sure, you could write him a great big psychological background as to why he only acted rashly now and not at any point before, but something tells me that the King won't live very long, and so that would be a bit of a waste. Third, being forced into a marriage with a douche always helps develop some side-drama, and allow growth for Baria as she grows more confident with herself and defies the king.

All the other characters were developed adequately. I would advise giving every one of them a distinct voice - quirks, speech patterns, level of familiarity, and so on (basically, if you can make it so that just by reading what's said I can figure out who's the speaker, you've succeeded). It takes practice to do it well, but it's more than worth it when you get a hang of it.

Plot-wise, well, I don't have much to go on so far, but I did see a big problem. Mothers are very, very protective of their (especially new-born) children, and that Baria seems to be allowing the King to ride to their deaths (and for a silly reason like "JUST BECAUSE IN YOUR FACE KING KUILU") makes absolutely zero sense. If she really believes that the vision was true, she would have to be chained, gagged, tied down, and heavily sedated before she would even approach that cart. Maybe even given a colouring-book to keep her occupied. What Baria seems to be doing simply would not happen in real world, and that hurts the story quite a lot.

Technical issues include the above mentioned formatting, some comma issues, and the fact that "Coven" is capitalized in some areas but not in others. I capitalized and highlighted every occurrence I could find, as it seems to be something of a distinct community rather than just a generic, lower-case "coven". I love the fact that you've put in an action scene (sort of) during the vision, it helps liven up an otherwise mostly slow chapter. I would also like to see some more descriptions in your prose, as the world you've created feels like it would be very beautiful, especially where the current scenes take place. That makes it all the more frustrating when you don't let us see as much as we'd like to.

I liked this, and I will read the continuation - I am rather thrilled to find out what will happen to Baria, her little girl, and the douche-bag. One more thing I'd like to add: when you wish to add overall comments (like in your second post in this thread), add them within the text, but maybe inside a spoiler tag as to not clutter up the work. It's a minor thing, but double-posting is considered a deadly sin on... well, pretty much every forum :P

Good luck.
_



There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it.
— Christopher Darlington Morley