It's What I Do

Hi! I hadn't written short stories in a while so this might be a bit rusty. Thank you for your help, in advance!

It's What I Do

It's what I do. It never changed. I do the brave things; I smile, I hug them when they're cold and beaten and tired, I hold their hands when they cry – even when they're snotting all over and no one has a tissue.

It's what I do at the orphanage, why the board thinks they should hire me once I'm done with my education. It's what I do, always, no matter where I am.

I tell lies through my teeth, promising a better future. I scold when it's needed. I even yell, sometimes. I usually mess up.
It's what I do, I mean, someone has to do it, right? And since there's nobody else, I'm thinking I'm in charge of that.

I avoid my own demons. I burry myself with my work. I do the brave things. I mess up. But I never look back at my own mistakes, maybe because they hurt too much.

It's what I do, and who wouldn't, honestly, after making bad choice followed by a bad choice, over and over again.
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I usually end up crying silently when no one can see. My hands shake, and I hide my face in my hair, and even though I do the brave things, even though I mess up constantly and lie, even though I try so hard to get it right, and say, yeah, I fell, well, I'll just get right back up then, and I already know it's not going to work, but I say it to myself anyways – even though I'm such a mess – even though I'm crying and I'm trying and I just can't seem to succeed… no one can see.

I guess, in the end, it doesn't matter that I hug those in need of an embrace, that I give hope to those who ask for it, that I escape my past by being so caught up in my present. I guess, in the end… I just end up alone.

It's what I do. There's no real reason. It's just what I do.

hi,

i'm cannoncomplex and here to review your work

okay as far as i read, this does seem like a short story but it got the mood of an autobiography. I know that you hadn't write short stories for a while and that this does may be a good practice. But in general it is a bit weak.

First off is that there is no clear plot. What is really going on in this piece? there were clues that it is taken place in an orphanage and that the main character is dealing some issues with his inner demons which are most liely either his past or some events, but other than that there is a blurred image. There is a weak indication of where this story is headed to.

Try to fix the context, understand the context and mapped it through the story. if this piece is simply for exercising, then practice the use of context in the first paragraph. The first paragraphs must get the attention of the reader. Even if the paragraph reveals a mundane event, there must be something that attracts the reader.

In this piece, it would be supported by showing what the "It is what i do"really mean. What is that first sentence mean and what is character actually doing. That way you grabbed a threshold of the reader. the current situation is fine especcially the sense that there is a mystery on what this, 'it is what i do"really mean. But dissapointed, that it is weakly reveal. The "It is what I do" seemed to continue with words such as

I avoid my own demons. I burry myself with my work. I do the brave things. I mess up. But I never look back at my own mistakes, maybe because they hurt too much.

You are giving a vague description of something as if your hiding a certain scene with a curtain. A person can see the shadows of the figures but do not know what they are doing. This piece may be similar.

I am not saying that is bad but it needs work particularly the context. Characterization is also a key but without a strong context of what is going on, characterization would be useless.
So good luck and hope my review helped

Well my first impression would be to say that this is not a short story, but a prose poem. However I've read several stories in the past which seem to blur the line between poetry and prose which can be classified as either. And since you posted this in the short stories section I'll review it as such.

ofir wrote:It's what I do. It never changed. I do the brave things; I smile, I hug them when they're cold and beaten and tired, I hold their hands when they cry – even when they're snotting all over and no one has a tissue.

One thing about writing stories like this is the unique stylistic use of punctuation. For example: Jamaica Kincaid's short story "Girl" was one long sentence in which the different parts were separated by semicolons. That being said, I think you should replace the semicolon in this paragraph with either a colon or a period. You could keep it if you had semicolons throughout your story, but you don't.

It's what I do at the orphanage, why the board thinks they should hire me once I'm done with my education. It's what I do, always, no matter where I am.

Instead of "once I'm done with my education" how about "once I'm done with high school" or "once I'm done with my GED." Be very specific.

I tell lies through my teeth, promising a better future. I scold when it's needed. I even yell, sometimes. I usually mess up.

I used strikeout on that last sentence because it doesn't really serve much of a purpose here. This is true of all short stories but especially one as short as yours, every single word must serve a purpose. If it's not absolutely necessary then it shouldn't be included at all.

It's what I do, I mean, someone has to do it, right? And since there's nobody else, I'm thinking I'm in charge of that.

Again, instead of "I'm thinking I'm in charge of that" why don't you tell us what exactly "that" is. I'm in charge of "the children," I'm in charge of "the class." Be specific.

I avoid my own demons. I burry myself with my work. I do the brave things. I mess up. But I never look back at my own mistakes, maybe because they hurt too much.

All too vague. What is your work? What are these "brave things?" How do you mess up? What mistakes? I'm not saying you need to make this story longer, but you need to give us a good idea of what this character is avoid.

aka What's at Stake?

It's what I do, and who wouldn't, honestly, after making bad choice followed by a bad choice, over and over again.

See above. What's at stake? I don't know.

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Why is this here?

I usually end up crying silently when no one can see. My hands shake, and I hide my face in my hair, and even though I do the brave things, even though I mess up constantly[, even though I] and lie, even though I try so hard to get it right, and say, ["yeah, I fell well, I'll just get right back up then,"] and I already know [it isn't] going to work, but I say it to myself anyways[—]even though I'm such a mess[—]even though I'm crying and I'm trying and I just can't seem to succeed… no one can see.

This paragraph needs some work. The different parts of the sentence don't really flow into each other very neatly.

I guess, in the end, it doesn't matter that I hug those in need of an embrace, that I give hope to those who ask for it, that I escape my past by being so caught up in my present. I guess, in the end… I just end up alone.

It's what I do. There's no real reason. It's just what I do.

Alright:

So I appreciate the attempt to tell a story in a different style. The problem is that there's too much telling and not enough showing. Replace all of the vague descriptions "I lie" "I mess up" etc. with specific examples. "I can't bake a a pound cake," "I told Mrs. James I didn't see her oranges, when I'm the one who stole them."

Just because this story is unusually concise doesn't mean that it's exempt from the rules of normal short-fiction: Use subtlety, make sure every word serves a purpose, make sure the reader knows what's at stake etc.

Also, read "Girl" by Jamaica Kincaid. It's located here: http://bcs.bedfordstmartins.com/virtual ... /story.asp

I hope this has been helpful to you. And keep writing.