Claire is Dead (Chapter One)

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Hey, it's Drago. This is my attempt at a suspense/thriller. I hope you enjoy the story.

---


The blood flowed so smoothly, pooling onto the archaic forest floor. The sweet fragrance of fall made this death even more delightful. A stifled cry was the only sound, but it was silenced with a graceful incision through the neck. Soon, soft footsteps could be heard leaving the scene, and all was quiet save for the wind blowing leaves across the pale white corpse.

The sky, streaked with orange, was a lovely sight that morning. Polious awoke, inhaling the chilled air. His thoughtful visage for once showed signs of contentment. Everything seemed to be perfect. The town was quiet, and fall was his favorite season.

After briskly enjoying the lazy feel of the morning, Polious rose from his stuffed mattress, and stretched for a moment, scanning his spartan room. His few possessions were arranged neatly in his single room house.

Without much rush, he slipped on his only black suit. Turning to a small mirror in the corner, he saw to it that his hair was perfected and dignified. His thin hair was as black as night and fell to his shoulders. He studied his appearance carefully, hoping that this was the day he’d be recognized. His deep brown eyes had a permanent look of concern upon them.

Confident in his looks, he abruptly turned on his heel, and putting his right foot forward, made his way to the door. Once outside, he breathed deeply and journeyed down the dirt street in a sort of delighted trot. The town’s people were all just emerging from their simple homes. They too loved the crisp weather.

In the middle of the road, Polious stopped. Carefully, he searched for Mr. Zacharias who had told him that he would have a great deal of work for him.

“Hello, Mister Polious?” Zacharias shouted, jogging as fast as his plump body would allow over the sloped street.

Polious smiled at the fat man who was now leaning on the white fence in front of a neighbor’s house.

“Mr. Zacharias, sir, what are you doing?” Polious inquired, sympathetically.

The large man’s chest was heaving as he tried to control his sporadic breathing.

“Come quickly, Polious. Miss Greensland is completely hysterical!” Zacharias said between short breaths.

“Sir, Miss Greensland’s behavior is nothing to worry about. She has done these things many times before,” Polious responded with a look of confusion crossing his face.

“Miss Greensland isn’t the problem. She’s ranting about her Niece being missing. The entire town knows of the bright intelligence your mind possesses, Polious. I know you can help,” He said, worry painted on his face.

It was true, Polious was the most promising student of the entire district, but when his parents were killed while visiting other parts of the country, he was forced to forget his academics and struggle to survive. His aspiring mind still grew, but he was never given the opportunity to show his potential talent.

“Sir, her niece was proclaimed dead ten years ago,” Polious said, beginning to fear for the sanity of his good friend.

“A number of the town’s people have seen her, walking the streets at night. She carries a lantern, her face white as snow. She walks into the forest every night. And now, her aunt is raving about her not returning.” Zacharias said, seriously.

“Because you are a friend of mine, I will investigate this, but I do not expect to find the results your superstitious mind desires,” Polious replied, sighing.

“Thank you, Polious. Thank you, sir” Zacharias said, shaking Polious’ hand vigorously.

“Upon my return, you will find that there is nothing to worry about. It is nothing more than Miss Greensland’s insane antics,” Polious said.

Without another word, Polious left his friend leaning against a fence, still in deep thought about Miss Greenland’s strange behavior. After a brisk walk, Polious found himself at the mad ladies’ house. In front of him was a large green door. The house’s paint was peeling, and the bushes were overgrown. The door handle was rusted and when he knocked, the knob fell off. Startled, Polious attempted to place the knob back in its socket, but as he fiddled with the rusty object, the door came ajar.

A crazed blue eye appeared in the small crack between the door and its frame. When she saw it was Polious the door was thrown open. Standing before him was a tall, deathly skinny woman. Her hair that was styled to stand straight on end was all gray except for a patch of black in the very center. She seemed to be enveloped in her dress that was way too large. Her massive eyes shifted side to side as if she were looking for something in the distance. It looked as if she hadn’t left her house in years, for her skin was terribly pale.

“Oh, my dear Polious, what have they done to her?” She cried, fitfully.

“Madam, might I ask who you are looking for?” Polious questioned, wondering if she were looking at him or the shrubs behind him.

“They killed her! I know they did. My Claire, they killed her.” She screeched, heinously.

She began scratching and tearing at her dress. Her fit became startlingly wild, as she began clawing the paint off her door. Polious urged her to calm down. After a few moments, she timidly began to shift her weight from foot to foot with her hands placed nervously in her sash.

Startled, Polious paused before speaking, “Ma-am where do you suppose Claire went?”

“You know where they took her! You took her! You drug her away from me into the forest, you- you monster!” Miss Greensland said, focusing he delusional gaze upon Polious.

“Madam, I assure you I did not go anywhere near her,” Polious said, backing away from the porch.

“You’re a liar! I saw you, snooping around here! You stole her away!” She screamed, madly.

Suddenly, she threw herself upon Polious, who in turn wrested himself free. Snarling, the old woman swatted at him. He decided it was better he left, and sprinted towards the gate. Once there, he turned to see Miss Greensland sprawled out on the grass.

“Miss Greensland!” Polious shouted.

She didn’t respond. Panicking, Polious ran to her side and placed his head on her chest. Fortunately, her heart was still beating.

“Someone, help!” Polious screamed.

He looked down at the motionless body, an expression of fear remained on her face. He gently turned her on her back. She made no signs of being conscious. And then, she pounced.

Pinning Polious to the ground, she hissed, “She’s in the forest. They took her there.”

With that, she leapt from the ground in a panic, and raced into her house, slamming the door. Polious felt his heart thudding quickly. She was insane, he knew it, but that was too much. Something was terribly wrong with her mind. Shaking, the events from his thoughts, he strolled out the gate.

As soon as his feet touched the rough, dirt road, Polious spotted Mr. Zacharias rushing down the hill to meet him.

“Polious! Polious!” He shouted, frantically, “What did she tell you?” He asked.

“I have observed that she is mad!” Polious yelled, sarcastically, “She basically tried to kill me. She was screaming that I had taken her niece, who’s been dead for ten years into the forest and murdered her.”

Zacharias reached Polious, and used his shoulder to support his hefty body.

“You,” He began, breathing heavily, “Must go to the forest, and see if you can find Claire,”

“Zacharias, you must understand, this is madness,” Polious cried.

“My friend, what if she is out there, beaten beyond recognition, and you find her?” Zacharias asked him.

Sighing, Polious answered, “Very well, I will go, but do not expect me to return with a body,”

“Very good, my friend,” Zacharias said, patting Polious’ shoulder.
"she covered her love
like stars cover the sky
hiding her heart
fearing what he would find inside
years took her away
a widow she remained
holding him deep inside
wishing she too would die
time favors no one and if we wait
we too can fall in love
a second too late" ~ Underoath




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Hey there Drago! I'm SporkPunk and I'll review this today. :D

Grammar, wording and other things

The sky, streaked with orange, was a lovely sight that morning.

Don't TELL your readers that it was lovely, show them how it was. You start that by stating the sky was streaked with orange. Build upon that, and you could have some powerful imagery on your hands.

His thoughtful visage for once showed signs of contentment.

Again, don't tell your readers that you MC was content. SHOW them. Describe the contours of his face. Describe his expression, more than just thoughtful. You have something started, you just need to practice a bit. :D

Her hair that was styled to stand straight on end was all gray except for a patch of black in the very center.

This made me smile. You went all out to make her seem mad! Though, I suggest deleting "that was" and instead placing the phrase "styled...end" in commas. Like this:

Her hair, styled to stand straight on end, was all gray except for a patch of black in the very center.
This gets rid of the boring passive voice and adds variety to your sentence structure. :)

“They killed her! I know they did. My Claire, they killed her.” She screeched, heinously.

Okay, a few things to remember with dialogue. First, comma at the end if you have a dialogue tag (e.g., "he said," "she said) which means lower case when beginning the tag. Also, you don't need a comma to separate a verb and its modifiers. So, with all these tips in mind, the sentence will look like this:

“They killed her! I know they did. My Claire, they killed her, she screeched heinously.

“I have observed that she is mad!” Polious yelled, sarcastically,

I don't think that sounds quite like sarcasm. Better would be to use irony, like... "She's perfectly sane!" He yelled sarcastically, "As long as you consider pinning someone to the ground especially sane!"
Something like that. xD

“Zacharias, you must understand, this is madness

Mad, madness...try switching up your words for variety.

Plot and other plot related items
I really like this premise. It's unique, and I'm already intrigued. I want to find out what happened! It's still early in the book, so I can't be as detailed as I'd like, but your characters are already developing, which is good. Makes it easier to remember them and distinguish them later. As for things to work on, there aren't very many...just, I think maybe tweaking the characters a bit so that their physical appearances and personalities aren't so...matching. Like, stereotypical insane people have craaaaazyyy hair, and you do that with Mrs. Greensland. However, done right, it can enhance the story. So, your call.

Overall, I liked it, even with the grammar errors I pointed out. Good luck with this and keep writing!

---Sporks :smt003
Grasped by the throat, grasped by the throat. That's how I feel about love. That it's not worth it.

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This is Bad Narrator critiquing your chapter:

Drago101 wrote:Hey, it's Drago. This is my attempt at a suspense/thriller. I hope you enjoy the story.

The blood flowed so smoothly, pooling onto the archaic forest floor. The sweet fragrance of fall made this death even more delightful. A stifled cry was the only sound, but it was silenced with a graceful incision through the neck. Soon, soft footsteps could be heard leaving the scene, and all was quiet save for the wind blowing leaves across the pale white corpse.

Alright, you're jumping right into the action which is a good way to start a story. The problem is that this paragraph is riddled with adjectives and adverbs which is sure to make any fiction major cringe. When writing fiction you want to use adjectives and adverbs as seldom as possible because you want to show your readers what's happening, not tell them about it. You're not a news anchor.

For example instead of writing your first sentence as: "The blood flowed so smoothly, pooling onto the archaic forest floor."

Try writing it as: The blood flowed between the roots and leaves on the forest floor.

The second sentence gives us all the info of the first while at the same time creating a vivid image. Apply this idea to the rest of your story when you revise. One exercise that might help would be to read over your story and cross out all of the adjectives and adverbs. That being said I've taken the liberty of highlighting all the adjectives/adverbs myself.

The sky, streaked with orange, was a lovely sight that morning. Polious awoke, inhaling the chilled air. His thoughtful visage for once showed signs of contentment. Everything seemed to be perfect. The town was quiet, and fall was his favorite season.

After briskly enjoying the lazy feel of the morning, Polious rose from his stuffed mattress, and stretched for a moment, scanning his spartan room. His few possessions were arranged neatly in his single room house.


You know my fellow YWSers are probably sick of hearing me whine about description, but the fact is that description is important. The only reason a person should ever use less description is when the description they are using isn't important to the story.

When you write your story you should keep in mind something I call "The Law of Conservative Detail." We don't need to know that his mattress is stuffed unless it serves a crucial purpose in the story. We don't need to know how his few possessions are arranged unless there's a specific possession we need to know about etc. In the context of a novel you can apply this idea to entire scenes or chapters. Everything that isn't absolutely necessary should not be included in your story.

When you're revising, keep this rule in mind Every word/sentence/paragraph should do one of two things, reveal character or advance the plot. Unless his mattress crushes a character later in the story I don't see how mentioning it serves either purpose.

Without much rush, he slipped on his only black suit. Turning to a small mirror in the corner, he saw to it that his hair was perfected and dignified. His thin hair was as black as night and fell to his shoulders. He studied his appearance carefully, hoping that this was the day he’d be recognized. His deep brown eyes had a permanent look of concern upon them.

Confident in his looks, he abruptly turned on his heel, and putting his right foot forward, made his way to the door. Once outside, he breathed deeply and journeyed down the dirt street in a sort of delighted trot. The town’s people were all just emerging from their simple homes. They too loved the crisp weather.


Again, I'm having a tough time figuring out how putting his right foot forward serves any purpose in the story. If you're trying to reveal the protagonist's character then there's better ways to do it. Show the MC helping Mrs. McGullicuddy carry her garbage to the curb. Or if he's a particularly nasty character show him kicking over Mrs. McGullicuddy's garbage on his way to wherever.

In the middle of the road, Polious stopped. Carefully, he searched for Mr. Zacharias who had told him that he would have a great deal of work for him.

“Hello, Mister Polious?” Zacharias shouted, jogging as fast as his plump body would allow over the sloped street.

Polious smiled at the fat man who was now leaning on the white fence in front of a neighbor’s house.

“Mr. Zacharias, sir, what are you doing?” Polious inquired, sympathetically.

The large man’s chest was heaving as he tried to control his sporadic breathing.

“Come quickly, Polious. Miss Greensland is completely hysterical!” Zacharias said between short breaths.

“Sir, Miss Greensland’s behavior is nothing to worry about. She has done these things many times before,” Polious responded with a look of confusion crossing his face.

“Miss Greensland isn’t the problem. She’s ranting about her Niece being missing. The entire town knows of the bright intelligence your mind possesses, Polious. I know you can help,” He said, worry painted on his face.


I want to reiterate the Law-of-conservative-detail.

Also, the dialogue needs work. In this section the dialogue seems too way too artificial. One way around that is to use something called summary dialogue or indirect dialogue in place of direct quotes. That's basically dialogue that isn't word for word what the character says.

For example summary dialogue: Zacharias told Polious that Miss Greensland was in need of his help

Indirect dialogue: Zacharias told Polious that Miss Greensland was completely hysterical over the disappearance of her niece

Save the quotations for only the most important phrases a character says.

It was true, Polious was the most promising student of the entire district, but when his parents were killed while visiting other parts of the country, he was forced to forget his academics and struggle to survive. His aspiring mind still grew, but he was never given the opportunity to show his potential talent.


One word, subtlety. I know you're trying to make Polious a sympathetic character but that's too much info for one paragraph. Since this is a novel you should try revealing a little bit about the character's background throughout the story. Saw a certain object or smell reminds him of his parents and we're brought to a flashback about their demise.

Without another word, Polious left his friend leaning against a fence, still in deep thought about Miss Greenland’s strange behavior. After a brisk walk, Polious found himself at the mad ladies’ house. In front of him was a large green door. The house’s paint was peeling, and the bushes were overgrown. The door handle was rusted and when he knocked, the knob fell off. Startled, Polious attempted to place the knob back in its socket, but as he fiddled with the rusty object, the door came ajar.


Aside from the adjectives/adverbs there's also a lot of awkward descriptions: "but as he fiddled with the rusty object, the door came ajar."

I think you can do a better job on this one.

A crazed blue eye appeared in the small crack between the door and its frame. When she saw it was Polious the door was thrown open. Standing before him was a tall, deathly skinny woman. Her hair that was styled to stand straight on end was all gray except for a patch of black in the very center. She seemed to be enveloped in her dress that was way too large. Her massive eyes shifted side to side as if she were looking for something in the distance. It looked as if she hadn’t left her house in years, for her skin was terribly pale.

“Oh, my dear Polious, what have they done to her?” She cried, fitfully.

“Madam, might I ask who you are looking for?” Polious questioned, wondering if she were looking at him or the shrubs behind him.

“They killed her! I know they did. My Claire, they killed her.” She screeched, heinously.

She began scratching and tearing at her dress. Her fit became startlingly wild, as she began clawing the paint off her door. Polious urged her to calm down. After a few moments, she timidly began to shift her weight from foot to foot with her hands placed nervously in her sash.

Startled, Polious paused before speaking, “Ma-am where do you suppose Claire went?”

“You know where they took her! You took her! You drug her away from me into the forest, you- you monster!” Miss Greensland said, focusing he delusional gaze upon Polious.

“Madam, I assure you I did not go anywhere near her,” Polious said, backing away from the porch.

“You’re a liar! I saw you, snooping around here! You stole her away!” She screamed, madly.

Suddenly
, she threw herself upon Polious, who in turn wrested himself free. Snarling, the old woman swatted at him. He decided it was better he left, and sprinted towards the gate. Once there, he turned to see Miss Greensland sprawled out on the grass.

“Miss Greensland!” Polious shouted.

She didn’t respond. Panicking, Polious ran to her side and placed his head on her chest. Fortunately, her heart was still beating.

“Someone, help!” Polious screamed.

He looked down at the motionless body, an expression of fear remained on her face. He gently turned her on her back. She made no signs of being conscious. And then, she pounced.

Pinning Polious to the ground, she hissed, “She’s in the forest. They took her there.”

With that, she leapt from the ground in a panic, and raced into her house, slamming the door. Polious felt his heart thudding quickly. She was insane, he knew it, but that was too much. Something was terribly wrong with her mind. Shaking, the events from his thoughts, he strolled out the gate.

As soon as his feet touched the rough, dirt road, Polious spotted Mr. Zacharias rushing down the hill to meet him.

“Polious! Polious!” He shouted, frantically, “What did she tell you?” He asked.

“I have observed that she is mad!” Polious yelled, sarcastically, “She basically tried to kill me. She was screaming that I had taken her niece, who’s been dead for ten years into the forest and murdered her.”

Zacharias reached Polious, and used his shoulder to support his hefty body.

“You,” He began, breathing heavily, “Must go to the forest, and see if you can find Claire,”

“Zacharias, you must understand, this is madness,” Polious cried.

“My friend, what if she is out there, beaten beyond recognition, and you find her?” Zacharias asked him.

Sighing, Polious answered, “Very well, I will go, but do not expect me to return with a body,”

“Very good, my friend,” Zacharias said, patting Polious’ shoulder.



Okay, I'm used to reviewing short stories so I'm trying to get out of that mode with respect to the plot. The problems I've found with the plot of this story is that it is too similar to other murder/mysteries I've read before. You want your first chapter (and all the others except the last one) to end with a suspense, give the reader a reason to keep reading. You have suspense hear but the plot is too familiar to other murder/mysteries we've read in the past (ie cliche). You never want your reader to believe that they know the whole story before its been told.

Ways to fix this:
Re-examine your protagonist. The question every story seeks to answer is: "What's at stake?"
Why is this case so important to Polious? What does he stand to lose (or gain) from all this? What is his motivation. In short stories and especially in novels, every character should have a strong sense of desire that the reader can clearly see.

Show us the character's background. Note that I said show and not tell. What was the relationship between Miss Greensland and her niece? While you're at it, what was her relationship with Zacharias? What does Zacharias do, aside from being perpetually out of breath? What does Polious do when he's not busy being reluctant to solve crime?

Again, just go through this story and try to rewrite it with as few adjectives/adverbs as possible.

If you have any questions send me a pm or a wall post. Good luck with your novel and keep writing.
First you will awake in disbelief, then
in sadness and grief and when you wake
the last time, the forest you've been
looking for will turn out to be
right in the middle of your chest.



WHAT'S UP, POTATOES?
— Rudy (Aru Shah and the Nectar of Immortality)