The Death Of Sara WiseMan (edited)

Chapter 1

As I sit in Mrs. Rowe's 12th grade English class, waiting for her to call my name for roll, I twirl a piece of my curly brown
hair around my finger. Thinking about Derek, of course. Oh Derek!

The sweetest boyfriend in the world! Derek Johnson, my boyfriend, the quarterback of the Forest High Rebels. We made the perfect couple, me being head cheerleader and track star and him being quarterback and the school's star wrestler.

Thinking about him brought my gaze to his empty seat. Absent for the first time this year! Oh I hope he's not sick.

"Sara Wiseman." Mrs. Rowe called my name, "Huh? Oh! Here!" I answered a little dazed from my thoughts. "Okay class let's continue where we left off in Rome and Juliet!" Mrs. Rowe exclaimed with a little too much enthusiasm.

The class moaned, obviously not sharing her love of William Shakespeare. While she played around on the VCR to find where we left off our principle Mr. Bell's stern voice came over the intercom,

"All seniors report to the auditorium for a special surprise, All seniors report to the auditorium." The whole class got up swiftly leaving Mrs. Rowe dumbfounded by the TV.

I caught up with my two best friends Abigail and Chelsea as we made our way through the crowded hallways to the auditorium. All of us were chattering about the special surprise and other unimportant things as we waited for Mr. Bell to tell us what was going on.

Almost all the noise ceased as Mr. Bell made his way to the middle of the floor and grabbed the microphone.

"Okay young ladies and gentlemen settle down," he waited as the last little bit of hushed voices grew quiet "Alright class of 2011, I have arranged a surprise for y'all. I want your last year here to be one you remember. So to make sure this year is memorable, I have scheduled surprises like today's throughout it." Mr. Bell paused and smiled, not something you see too often.
"So for the remainder of the day you will be enjoying a musical performance by Kelly Johnson and her band." The whole room erupted in to applause and cheering as Kelly Johnson walked up to Mr. Bell shaking his hand and taking the mic away from him.

"Hello everyone, I'm here to kick off a year your never going to forget! Hit it boys!" her band started playing a familiar song that we all sung along to, Just Hanging On. She also sung many others of her hit songs, and certainly kicked off a great year, plus we we got to skip English.

"Derek sure picked a hell of a day to miss!" Chelsea remarked as we walked to my red mustang to get out cheer bags. "Yeah that was great!" Abigail agreed. "Ha Ha yeah!I hope he's not sick." I commented flickering my thoughts back to Derek.
"I'm sure he'll call you later." Abigail and Chelsea said comforting me. "Yeah I'm sure. Anyways that was amazing how can our school afford that?" talking about Derek was making me frustrated. "I have no idea, but I'm not gonna complain!" Chelsea said laughing. "Agreed" Abigail and I laughed to.

When we got to my car we got our gear and headed to the bathroom to change. "Well girls let's get ready for some killer, and i do mean killer, workouts!" i told them as went into our separate stalls. Once we were in our workout uniforms we took up the only three mirrors so we could do our hair and wipe our makeup away.

"Ugh sari I wish i had you gorgeous green eyes!" Chelsea whined staring in the mirror intently. "Oh please Chels you have beautiful blue eyes." I reassured her, we were using the nicknames we gave each other in back in grade school.

"Yeah Chels, they're way better than my mud brown eyes!" Abigail chipped in. Chelsea and i exchanged a glance, "Oh please Abs! Your eyes are beautiful!" "In fact they're all Stephen can talk about." i told her winking. "Stephen!?" she squeaked getting red."Ha ha yup!" we finished off in the bathroom and went to the track.
* * * * * * * *

Coach Kelly had us run two miles , which for me was nothing, then she had us go over our routines over and over again. The pressure was definitely on for our first football game. We got done with practice by 6 and we were exhausted. "hey Sari Jeff's gonna take me home, kay?" "Alright Chels, I'll see ya tomorrow." me and Abigail watched as she walked holding hands with her boyfriend.

We got in the car and i headed to her house. "Omygoodness I'm so tired!" Abigail yawned. "Yeah me to. I'm probably gonna go straight to bed when i get home." Ireplied yawning too. "Amen to that!" we giggled at her response.

I pulled up to her house, where her mom was outside working in her treasured garden. "Hey Mrs. Owens!" I called to her waving. "Hey Sara. Abigail hurry up you have chores to do!" she answered in her usual sour tone. "Alright mom! Bye Sari thanks for the ride." "Bye Abs, and no problem."

I drove home after she went inside. "Going straight to bed." I whispered to myself as I pulled into my drive way.





I'll have the second chapter up soon tell me what you think please!

Grammar

Now, with formatting, always start a new sentence with dialogue, which break it up and make it easier for the reader.
Right now it's a big block of text


Believability

Hmmm....Katy Perry coming to their school to preform. Maybe, make up a pop star, because I'm pretty sure you need permission to use someones name.

Other then that, it was good.
Write On
~WickedWonder

haha okay i'll change katy perry and space it out some thanks for the review!

Hi there!

First of all, your piece was pretty good.
It's kind of catchy and I hope you'll write some more about Sara Wiseman xD

I agree with wickedwonder about the formatting though, it's kind of annoying to read a text
that is written in one piece, with no spaces and stuff xd you know what I mean =D
Also, watch out for proper punctuation.

I love Katy Perry, great choice but indeed, you need permission to use her in your novel-to-be and think =D

Good text and good luck with writing the rest of your novel!

Thank ya Seraphina! I have edited so it will be easier to read and i have changed Katy Perry to somone i made up. LOL thanks for your review! and thank you to Wicked! Seraphina I will post the next chapter as soon as I get an idea of what to write ha ha Thanks again!

Hey there!

I like this and it seems like an interesting beginning to your story, but I do think there are a few things you could improve to make it even better:

Oh Derek!

The sweetest boyfriend in the world!

I found this a bit of an exclamation mark overload; in fact I found that the whole way through. Reading it it kind of seems like the main character and her friends are in a state of permanant excitement, which is okay in small doses but I did find myself wishing that they would calm down a little. XD

"Sara Wiseman." Mrs. Rowe called my name, "Huh? Oh! Here!" I answered a little dazed from my thoughts. "Okay class let's continue where we left off in Rome and Juliet!" Mrs. Rowe exclaimed with a little too much enthusiasm.

Do you mean Romeo? Also, you're supposed to start a new line each time a new person starts speaking. So this would go,

"Sara Wiseman." Mrs. Rowe called my name,

"Huh? Oh! Here!" I answered a little dazed from my thoughts.

"Okay class let's continue where we left off in Rome and Juliet!" Mrs. Rowe exclaimed with a little too much enthusiasm.

It just makes the dialogue easier to follow.

"Ugh sari i wish I had you gorgeous green eyes!"

Remember to capitalize 'I's and names. This happens a few more times throughout, and it'll only take a minute to correct but it'll make the story seem so much more professional. Also, some of your dialogue feels a bit underpunctuated. I think a few commas here and there would make the speech sound more natural and less breathy.

Coach Kelly had us run two miles , which for me was nothing

To me, this just makes the MC sound conceited and full of herself. Perhaps this isn't how it's intended, but it's how it comes across. Seeing as this is the opening chapter it's the one where people form their first impressions of main character characters, and you want them to relate to her, not dislike her.

So, overall I think this is a pretty good first chapter. I'm quite jealous of Sara, getting to miss English to go to concerts! Still, I think you want to be careful to make her a rounded, flawed character. At the moment it seems like she has the perfect life - really popular, has a gorgous boyfriend, head cheerleader, gets to go see famous pop stars instead of lessons. The thing is, for readers that's not really that interesting to read about. The thing that drives stories and makes people want to turn the page in conflict, and there isn't any of that here yet. It's just the beginning and I'm sure the plot is going to get interesting soon, but at the moment all I see is someone who has an unrealistically wonderful life.

There is some interesting stuff going on here, such as the concert, but that's skimmed over very quickly. It would be nice to see that expanded on, and have more decription of them seeing the singer. It's such an amazing experience and out of the ordinary occurance, so perhaps you could describe Sara's feelings about it. Is she happy? Surprised? etc. And how did the teacher manage to get such a famous pop star to come play at a school anyway? Perhaps you could include an explanation for this so that it doesn't seem unrealistic.

So, I think this has a lot of potential but I hope as the story continues Sara develops and grows, because she definitely could become more than the rather flat, 2D character she is at the moment in this chapter and the novel would be far better for it.

PM me if you have any questions about this or anything, and keep writing!

Thanks for the review. Yes I know I need to work on My punctuation a lot, and I'll try and edit it soon. The plot gets a lot thicker in the next chapter this chapter is to show what a wonderful life Sara has before her life comes crashing down on her which will happen at the beginning of the chapter. I will have it up really soon. I will edit this some more and out more detail in the concert scene but as far as the money to get the singer there, well Sara and her friends don't find that out which is in the story about them not questioning it. I will fix the formatting, it seems i really need to brush up on that. You see i'm used to writing on paper, and it's not exactly the same. Well thanks again for the review!