Closeing The Door On My Past- Chapter Three

"I'm getting the rest of my stuff and leaving," I said bluntly. My mother stood up quickly. I grabbed a hold of B.J.'s hand , guiding him into my room to help pack my stuff. I opened my closet grabbing a couple backpacks and another duffel bag. "So, your really leaving this time?" she said as she walked into my doorway, "Really leaving me? For good?" I stopped packing, looking up at her blankly.
"Leaving you? Like, Dude, seriously? Yes I'm leaving you! Ma, you need help, and I can't help you," I looked away, tears in my eyes, and tried to finish packing.
"I need you, your all I've got left Toria," she pleaded.
"Wow. Okay. When are you going to get that your MY mother? You don't need me. I'm a damn teenager ma. I need you. Needed you, Bye," I replied.
"You ready babe?" I say looking at B.J. with a smile.
"Umm, yeah, I'll go um, wait in the car babe," He said grabbing my bags from me and walking away.
"Your all I've got," She argued teary eyed.
"No, I'm all you had," I snapped, slinging my backpack over my shoulder and walking out.

I climbed in B.J.'s Camaro with a sigh.
B.J. was closing the trunk where he had placed my bags.
"You okay babe?" he questioned with a sigh.
"Yeah, I'll be fine," I answered in a cold voice.
Just then I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I had put it on vibrate when I first got to B.J.'s house.
I flipped it open to see it was a text from my best friend Jayde.
"Hey, where youu at?!? Wanna hang out 2nite?"
I closed my phone, telling myself I'll call her in the morning, tell her everything. Jayde is my bestfriend. If B.J. wasn't there I'd know she'd be there for me.
It's Saturday. I had one more day off work and school. Then Monday it was back to those hell holes.
I flipped open my phone, checking the time. 9:22. I know I'll see Jayde at work tomorrow, which is also her Mom's cafe, "Marilyn's Coffee Mug". (Pronounced Mare-ill-in) Great I can just talk to her then.
We pulled into B.J.'s drive-way.
"Hey, you okay? I'm here if you need to talk babe," B.J. said in a soft, sweet voice.
Gosh he makes me feel so guilty for being mad at everything when I'm with him.
I pulled him in for a long kiss. I think he earned it.
"I love you B.J.," I said pulling away.
"Love you more," He said with a smile.
I slid out the car and went around to the trunk.
"I got it babe, just go on in," B.J. said shooing me away toward the house.
I love that boy. I silently thought to myself.
I walked quietly in his house, trying not to wake his parents.
They were still up, sitting on the couch sipping coffee.
"Hey, we just wanted to make sure everything went okay," his mom said standing up yawning.
"Every thing's fine, it went as good as possible. I think I'm just gonna go to sleep now," I answered
"Okay, good night,"
I walked up the stairs and into B.J.'s room.
It was unorganized but neat at the same time.
I sat on his bed. Looking around at the trophies, posters, and the picture of me & him hugging, framed on his night stand. I love this boy. The smell of him thickly hanging in the air. He was too kind to be true. But I knew there wasn't a evil cell in B.J.'s body. If I learned anything it's never expect too much from anybody. Nobody's prefect. He was so differnt from any boy I had ever met. Most honest person I know.
I flipped open my phone and read the time. 10:02. Flipped it shut with a sigh.
B.J. walked in setting my bags down and walking towards me.
"Hey, you going to sleep? I know your tired babe," he said quietly.
"Yeah, I'm gonna change into comfy clothes and shower first hun," I answered with a smile.
I started toward my bag but B.J. grabbed a hold of my arm, pulling me close.
"I love you, more than anything," he whispered right before kissing me softly.
"Love you too,"



It was 10:57 when I finished changing and was about to lay down.
My body was tired as hell.
My mind just wasn't going to shut down. I missed my Daddy. I missed my big brother. I missed my Mother. I missed how my life used too be. Where do I go from here? I feel like nobody understands me. I can't work in my bestfriend's mom's cafe all my life.
Too much thinking going on.
I plugged my phone into the charger and peeked out the doorway to see if anybody was up.
Not a sound.
I walked downstairs.
There he was. Tossing and turning. Concerned about me, exactly what I didn't want.
I tip-toed to the couch.
"Baby, wanna watch a movie with me?" I questioned smiling.
He grinned really big.
"Sure, pick one out and play it,"
I picked our favorite.
"I Love Lucy" season one.
I laid beside him and snuggled in the covers.
Falling sound asleep after only a few minutes.







I woke up to the sound of smoke detectors beeping and the smell of thick smoke.

Hi Libby! I'm here to review the third chapter of Closing The Door On My Past. : D

I'll start with nitpicks.

LibbyLovesDrums wrote:She stood up.

Just to be safe, I would say who stood up just to make sure the reader knows it's her mom who is standing up.

LibbyLovesDrums wrote:"So, your really leaving this time?" She said as she stood up. "Really leaving me? For good?" Walking into my doorway. I stopped packing, looking up at her blankly.

I would suggest making this into something a little like this;
"So, you're really leaving this time?" she said as she walked into my doorway, " Really leaving me, for good?" I stopped packing and looked up at her blankly.

LibbyLovesDrums wrote:"Leaving you? Like, Dude, seriously? Yes I'M LEAVING YOU. Ma, you need help, and I can't help you," I looked away, tears in my eyes, and tried to finish packing. "I need you, your all I've got left Toria," she answered. "Wow. Okay. When are you going to get that your MY mother? You don't need me. I'm a damn teenager ma. I need you. Needed you, Bye," I replied. "You ready babe?" I say looking at B.J. with a smile.

I would have written that like this;

"Leaving you, seriously? Yes I'm leaving you! Ma, you need help, and I can't help you," I looked away, tears in my eyes and tried to finish packing.

" I need you, you're all I've got left Toria," she pleaded.

" Wow, when are you going to get that you're my mother? You don't need me! I'm a damn teenager ma! I need you" I paused, choking on my own words, " I needed you. Bye ma," I replied shakily.

"You ready babe?" I said, looking at B.J. and putting on a half-hearted smile.

LibbyLovesDrums wrote:It's Saturday. I had one more day off work and school. Then Monday it was back to those hell holes.

This is pretty random, : D It's not really nessasary right now.

LibbyLovesDrums wrote:1st hun

First, write out your numbers please! : )

LibbyLovesDrums wrote:My body was tired as hell.

Maybe it's just me but this doesn't make much sense. Maybe you could try something like this;

I was extremely tired, and I felt like hell.

: )

LibbyLovesDrums wrote:I tip-toed to she couch.

To the she couch? Ha, the couch maybe?


Alright, you're doing pretty well with B.J. and Toria but I would definatly suggest adding more details and descriptions of the supporting characters. That would do two things; add lenth and also add more depth to the characters.

Also, details of all the setting, how she's feeling inside, and all that good stuff I'd recomend on including into your story somewhere. And try to show and not tell, a common thing a lot of people mess up on. No biggy though!

Overall, I think your story is really growing and I truly can't wait for the next chapter!

- Jessica

Keep writing great like this & you will be a awesome author in a few years.
=D

jDawn wrote:Hi Libby! I'm here to review the third chapter of Closing The Door On My Past. : D

I'll start with nitpicks.

LibbyLovesDrums wrote:She stood up.

Just to be safe, I would say who stood up just to make sure the reader knows it's her mom who is standing up.

LibbyLovesDrums wrote:"So, your really leaving this time?" She said as she stood up. "Really leaving me? For good?" Walking into my doorway. I stopped packing, looking up at her blankly.

I would suggest making this into something a little like this;
"So, you're really leaving this time?" she said as she walked into my doorway, " Really leaving me, for good?" I stopped packing and looked up at her blankly.

LibbyLovesDrums wrote:"Leaving you? Like, Dude, seriously? Yes I'M LEAVING YOU. Ma, you need help, and I can't help you," I looked away, tears in my eyes, and tried to finish packing. "I need you, your all I've got left Toria," she answered. "Wow. Okay. When are you going to get that your MY mother? You don't need me. I'm a damn teenager ma. I need you. Needed you, Bye," I replied. "You ready babe?" I say looking at B.J. with a smile.

I would have written that like this;

"Leaving you, seriously? Yes I'm leaving you! Ma, you need help, and I can't help you," I looked away, tears in my eyes and tried to finish packing.

" I need you, you're all I've got left Toria," she pleaded.

" Wow, when are you going to get that you're my mother? You don't need me! I'm a damn teenager ma! I need you" I paused, choking on my own words, " I needed you. Bye ma," I replied shakily.

"You ready babe?" I said, looking at B.J. and putting on a half-hearted smile.

LibbyLovesDrums wrote:It's Saturday. I had one more day off work and school. Then Monday it was back to those hell holes.

This is pretty random, : D It's not really nessasary right now.

LibbyLovesDrums wrote:1st hun

First, write out your numbers please! : )

LibbyLovesDrums wrote:My body was tired as hell.

Maybe it's just me but this doesn't make much sense. Maybe you could try something like this;

I was extremely tired, and I felt like hell.

: )

LibbyLovesDrums wrote:I tip-toed to she couch.

To the she couch? Ha, the couch maybe?


Alright, you're doing pretty well with B.J. and Toria but I would definatly suggest adding more details and descriptions of the supporting characters. That would do two things; add lenth and also add more depth to the characters.

Also, details of all the setting, how she's feeling inside, and all that good stuff I'd recomend on including into your story somewhere. And try to show and not tell, a common thing a lot of people mess up on. No biggy though!

Overall, I think your story is really growing and I truly can't wait for the next chapter!

- Jessica

I took MOSTLY all of your suggestions in my edit. In my chapter four I will use alot of your tips.
Thanks Alot Jess. You always have good advice!
-Libby

Hi! I'm Teardrop.


First of all, I really like this so far. I think you have an awesome plot going on, keep it up.

"Closeing" from the title does not have an "e" : D


As far as the characters go, I think you could have described them and their looks a little bit more. Right now, your story lacks description. I suggest going threw and adding description as well as lenth to this.

LibbyLovesDrums wrote:"Sure, pick one out and play it,"

If there is no continuation of a sentence after it, there should not be a comma.

If you were to add a comma, you would have to write it like this: "Sure, pick one out and play it," he said.

You know, or something like that.

Overall, I like this a lot. Keep writing and feel free to PM me anytime.

Teardrop wrote:Hi! I'm Teardrop.


First of all, I really like this so far. I think you have an awesome plot going on, keep it up.

"Closeing" from the title does not have an "e" : D


As far as the characters go, I think you could have described them and their looks a little bit more. Right now, your story lacks description. I suggest going threw and adding description as well as lenth to this.

LibbyLovesDrums wrote:"Sure, pick one out and play it,"

If there is no continuation of a sentence after it, there should not be a comma.

If you were to add a comma, you would have to write it like this: "Sure, pick one out and play it," he said.

You know, or something like that.

Overall, I like this a lot. Keep writing and feel free to PM me anytime.

Thanks for alotta of the advice you gave. When I get the chance im going to go edit my story. I was thinking exactley the same thing. How my reader's are wondering what does B.J look like or his parents.
Even Victoria too.
Thanks again
-Libby