Tempting Fate

17 posts1, 2
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popatemyheart1994
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Mon Oct 11, 2010 1:29 am
popatemyheart1994 says... · Mon Oct 11, 2010 1:29 am
I lie here in this dreaming state.
Too often had I tempted fate.

She came for me, dripping blood.
A pointed finger, I understood.

No final kiss.
No one to care.

The ferryman arrives
I have no fare.

And as I lie in this dreaming state
I recall the day I tempted fate.
Last edited by popatemyheart1994 on Wed Feb 16, 2011 11:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Im the best :)
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Rascalover
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Mon Oct 11, 2010 2:22 am
Rascalover says... · Mon Oct 11, 2010 2:22 am
Hey,
I'm happy to be one of the first to revie this for you :)
This idea is really unique (to me anyway), and I love it. I think you could definitely turned this into a longer poem, but I think if you did that the rhyming could be forced because I already feel the stress on the rhythm. This was really cool. Keep up the awesome work.

Have a good day,
Tiffany
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

Who needs a review? :) http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic38078.html
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strangeshellie
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Mon Oct 11, 2010 2:28 am
strangeshellie says... · Mon Oct 11, 2010 2:28 am
Hey
I love this idea. It's really captivating (to me).
I also feel like this could be longer, because to me it sounds like a beginning and I think you could do more to it now that you've got the readers attention.
:)
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Sassafras
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Mon Oct 11, 2010 2:36 am
Sassafras says... · Mon Oct 11, 2010 2:36 am
Hello Popa!

This was really short but got straight to the point and was really interesting to read. Thogh it was not the longest poem, it is still very nice and very straight forward. I like the idea of death coming for her and her tempting fate and all that good stuff. I can see you are a very good writer and I'm glad you joined this site.

He came for me, dripping blood.
A pointed finger, I understood.
This is my favorite stanza.

Anway, like I said, this was very good. You get a Like.

ReiseReise
A pale imitator of a girl in the sky.
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popatemyheart1994
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Tue Oct 12, 2010 6:47 am
popatemyheart1994 says... · Tue Oct 12, 2010 6:47 am
Thankyou for my reviews, they werereally helpful, I'll be sure to review some of your poems aswell. Thanks for liking my poem it means allot to me, I wrote it for a special reason and your reviews have made it so much btter. Thankyou xx
Im the best :)
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*singerofthenight*
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Tue Oct 12, 2010 4:12 pm
*singerofthenight* says... · Tue Oct 12, 2010 4:12 pm
popatemyheart1994 wrote:I lie here in this dreaming state.
Too often had I tempted fate.

He came for me, dripping blood.
A pointed finger, I understood.

No final kiss.
No one to care.

The ferryman arrives
I have no fare.

And as I lie in this dreaming state
I recall the day I tempted fate.



Very weel done on the rhyming! Great poem!

Singer
"Hello, is this thing on?"
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turtlethatroars
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Wed Oct 13, 2010 3:22 pm
turtlethatroars says... · Wed Oct 13, 2010 3:22 pm
it is a very good poem.i can picture it in my head.
"the beauty of words. They can be many different things to many different people. It's all in how we listen. Or how we read." - Lyrical Inspiration (authors note) of Enemies and Playmates by Darcia Helle

-Formally tkpejb
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NeoAnderson
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Thu Oct 14, 2010 11:31 am
NeoAnderson says... · Thu Oct 14, 2010 11:31 am
popatemyheart1994 wrote:I lie here in this dreaming state.
Too often had I tempted fate.( nice rhyming words)

He came for me, dripping blood.
A pointed finger, I understood.(i really loved these lines)

No final kiss.
No one to care.

The ferryman arrives
I have no fare.

And as I lie in this dreaming state
I recall the day I tempted fate.(BRILLIANT)

I LOVED THIS POEM!
1.the flow was great.
2. beautifully worded
3. creative
keep writing!
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asweeney1919
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Thu Oct 14, 2010 11:56 am
asweeney1919 says... · Thu Oct 14, 2010 11:56 am
popatemyheart1994 wrote:I lie here in this dreaming state.
Too often had I tempted fate.

He came for me, dripping blood.
A pointed finger, I understood.

No final kiss.
No one to care.

The ferryman arrives
I have no fare.

And as I lie in this dreaming state
I recall the day I tempted fate.
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Kwantack
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Reviews 111
Fri Oct 15, 2010 1:50 am
Kwantack says... · Fri Oct 15, 2010 1:50 am
This one gave me shivers, which is a good thing. Spectacular flow and rhythm. You have a creative way with poetry. Keep up the good work and never give up!
"The only bad ideas are the ones never tried." - Puck, The Sisters Grimm
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carameldreams
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Sun Oct 24, 2010 9:09 pm
carameldreams says... · Sun Oct 24, 2010 9:09 pm
popatemyheart1994 wrote:I lie here in this dreaming state.
Too often had I tempted fate. nice start i really like the opening you have already got me trapped like a rapist and i want you to stop but at the same time im intrested o see were this could go

He came for me, dripping blood. sexy ;)
A pointed finger, I understood.

No final kiss. short harsh a brutal i love it
No one to care.

The ferryman arrives
I have no fare.

And as I lie in this dreaming state
I recall the day I tempted fate.

Overall i think this is brilliant could be longer but at the same time i like how its short and simple
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GagaBowie
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Sun Oct 31, 2010 1:21 am
GagaBowie says... · Sun Oct 31, 2010 1:21 am
Matthew,
the words you've used are very descriptive and paint a picture - the blood dripping - i think you coiuld perhaps further this for example describing the blood more 'the crimson liquid, steadly gliding down his finger and dripping in a pool' or something like that? Pick up on the little things such as colour and speed - it's these things that really develop poems, but thats just my opinion.
Overall, this poem is very good and it does invent a picture but you could develop further on aspects.
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*singerofthenight*
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Reviews 83
Mon Nov 01, 2010 8:59 pm
*singerofthenight* says... · Mon Nov 01, 2010 8:59 pm
popatemyheart1994 wrote:I lie here in this dreaming state.
Too often had I tempted fate.

He came for me, dripping blood.
A pointed finger, I understood.

No final kiss.
No one to care.

The ferryman arrives
I have no fare.

And as I lie in this dreaming state
I recall the day I tempted fate.



I like this. It made me laugh, yet I knew it was serious. Keep writing!
"Hello, is this thing on?"
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IgnisandGlacialis
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Tue Nov 02, 2010 6:56 am
IgnisandGlacialis says... · Tue Nov 02, 2010 6:56 am
Hiya!
I really did like this. It was very original. And I did like the end stanza:

'As as I lie here in this dreaming state
I recall the day I tempted fate.'

A couple of things - first, when you say 'Too often had I tempted fate', I think you should change 'had' to 'have'. You're talking in present tense, and it is confusing when you change it so near the beginning.
Second, in the second stanza, the rhyme is a little wobbly. Maybe your national accent changes the pronunciation a litte, but 'blood' and 'understood' don't precisely rhyme. The way I see it, it seems like when read aloud (in order to make it rhyme) it would sound like 'He came for me, dripping blood. A pointed finger, I understud.' Just sounds a little off.
Nothing else - there were only two nitpicks after all!
Overall, as I've already said, I very much liked this. Short, not boring, metaphorical, and slightly creepy. Good job :D
- Ignis :pirate3:
The POTATO of DOOM

A thousand times it calls your name
A thousand times you hear it
And fools are those who heed its call
But fools are those who fear it.

The Interesting Thoughts of Edward Monkton
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Soulkana
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Mon Apr 18, 2011 1:22 am
Soulkana says... · Mon Apr 18, 2011 1:22 am
Good job with this!!! I really loved it and it had a lot of descriptions and that made it clear in my head. You used a lot of emotions as well and it made it easy to understand. Good luck with this and I can't wait to read more of your works!!! Good luck and Happy Writing!!! May you receive many reviews!!!!!!
Soulkana<3
May the gentle moon take you into peaceful dreams. May the mighty sun brighten your new days.
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17 posts1, 2


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