Faerie-isms~1 (edited)

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Trust me. This is edited. It'll show later on.


1
London-1806


It wasn’t just the pain Charlotte Tucker felt, it was the hallucinations. Sometimes, she’d envision she was home, sitting in front of the fire on a late Christmas Eve. Sometimes, she’d see herself falling off the bridge and into the Thames River. Sometimes she’d see nothing at all. That was what scared her the most.
She had only been fifteen when she had been taken from her London home. It had been two long years, but she stopped keeping track after three weeks. He opened the door to her room and crossed over to the ornate bed she was tied to. The rope cut into her wrists as she struggled, they were at the fraying point.
“Open up.” he said, keeping his voice cool and mild. Charlotte stopped moving and obediently opened her mouth, allowing the man to pour the vial of slimy, clear liquid down her throat. The man smiled cruelly. He had her trained perfectly. He had chosen
She began to scream as loud as she could. The visions were in her head, bugs crawling over every inch of her body. She broke the rope at her wrists, leaving them with bracelets of blood. She began to claw her arms with her untrimmed nails, drawing blood.
“No,” She howled, “no. Mother, NO!” the man sat down in the wooden chair, crossed his arms and smiled. He had waited for this moment. The moment when one of the last Innocent would die.

****

The screams could be heard through all of London. Well, not exactly, but Nathaniel Malone was on the roof of the house that held Charlotte Tucker. He pushed up his white shirtsleeves, revealing the Preliator sign on his left forearm. The black circle with an ‘X’ through it shined in the moonlight. That was it. He needed to save that girl.
Mihaela Vladimirescu sat next to him, wearing a long black dress ad black boots. Her dark red hair was pulled from her eyes, making her face seem sharp and flat in the moonlight.
“I think she may be in there.” Nate said, pulling a thin blade from his belt. Mihaela rolled her big brown eyes, “I think you may be right,” she said in her thick, Romanian accent.
“So, how do we get in?” Nate asked. The moon washed color into his black hair. His green eyes seemed to glimmer as his mind whirred, “we break in.” he answered his own question.

****

The man smiled as Charlotte continued to scream. The bugs kept crawling over her, there was no end to the torture. The she stopped, and an eerie silence fell. His smile fell. He took comfort in hearing the screams.
The blood dripped from her arms to the white sheets. She lay still and breathless on the bed as Nate broke the window with his feet. He climbed in, Mihaela after him. The man smoothed his hair from his face, eyeing the intruders.
“What do you want?” he asked with a very good, but still fake, American accent. Nate gritted his teeth and lifted his blade. Mihaela ran to Charlottes’ side, and began muttering words under her breath.
The man sized Nate up, noticing the glinting blade and the sharpness in his usually mischievous brown eyes. The man laughed, ringing over Charlotte’s screams.
“Take her.” He said, his thin smile remaining on his face. Nate shivered. The mans’ pale eyes held no emotion, and that scared him, though Nate would never admit it, “she’ll be dead within the hour without the antidote.” the man said and leaped from the window. Nate watched as he landed on the streets below.
“Lets get her out of here.” He ordered. Mihaela sighed and pulled her wand from her boot.
“I can’t move her. Go look for an antidote. You’re looking for something that might smell like lavender or sage or,” Mihaela paused, thinking, “you stay with Charlotte, I’ll go look.” Nate nodded, and kneeled next to Mihaela. He grasped Charlotte’s hand, and stared into her pale, now silent face. She was too important to loose.
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THAT is what Charlotte may look like.
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'We will never believe again, kick drum beating in my chest again, oh, we will never believe in anything again, preach electric to a microphone stand.'

*Formerly wickedwonder*




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Well... I am intrigued.

The title drew me in... though I'm still wondering what the story has to do with fairies. You left a lot of unknowns, but I'm willing to wait... a little while... for you to explain.

I would like many many more details about the look and feel of the story-world. I can "see" some of it... but I want to hear about the dirt and grime on the rooftop... to feel the threadbear rugs on the warped wooden floor... to see the slivers of leaded glass tinkle slowly to the ground as he breaks the window. This will also slow the narrative down. Right now, it's almost all rushed action.

:D

-Icarus
Last edited by Icarus on Mon Oct 11, 2010 3:54 am, edited 1 time in total.
"When it comes to controlling human beings there is no better instrument than lies. Because, you see, humans live by beliefs. And beliefs can be manipulated. The power to manipulate beliefs is the only thing that counts."
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All righty! I'm Rach, and I'm reviewing today (in case that wasn't obvious.)

Got a few boring technical matters to mention before I get to the fun stuff, so bear with.

1) You might want to space out your paragraphs so that it's easier to read. Copying and pasting destroys the indenting, and tiny thing though it be, you'll get more replies if you space 'em out.

2) Dialogue formatting, real quick.

When you have a direct tag (as in, whatever's in the quotes is actually part of the grammar of the sentence), you'll want to punctuate it with a comma most of the time.

So, here for instance:

[/i]“Open up.” he said[/i]

should be "Open up," he said.

and with a direct tag, (she whispered, he said, he yelled, she shouted, etc.) you always use lowercase letter following it, so

“No,” She howled

should be

“No,” she howled.

Also, generally speaking, whenever someone new speaks, you switch to a new paragraph. And on the same note, if you have one character saying something, the next time you switch to another character, that'll be a new paragraph too, even if there's no dialogue from the second character. In other words,

“I can’t move her. Go look for an antidote. You’re looking for something that might smell like lavender or sage or,” Mihaela paused, thinking, “you stay with Charlotte, I’ll go look.” Nate nodded, and kneeled next to Mihaela. He grasped Charlotte’s hand, and stared into her pale, now silent face. She was too important to loose.


should be

"I can’t move her. Go look for an antidote. You’re looking for something that might smell like lavender or sage or,” Mihaela paused, thinking, “you stay with Charlotte, I’ll go look.”

Nate nodded, and kneeled next to Mihaela. He grasped Charlotte’s hand, and stared into her pale, now silent face. She was too important to loose.


Also, I know you said you edited, but for whenever you do editing in the future, you might want to consider reading aloud. You can catch a lot of mistakes that way!

Finally, at least for the dialogue stuff, when you have an indirect tag, you punctuate the dialogue and the tag as separate grammatical entities, i.e. as separate sentences. So,

"I can’t move her. Go look for an antidote. You’re looking for something that might smell like lavender or sage or,” Mihaela paused, thinking, “you stay with Charlotte, I’ll go look.”

should be

"I can’t move her. Go look for an antidote. You’re looking for something that might smell like lavender or sage or...” Mihaela paused, thinking. “You stay with Charlotte, I’ll go look.”

Basically, I just have you Dialogue 101 in the space of a couple hundred words. So, if it didn't make sense, please let me know and I'd be more than happy to explain in more detail about all the indirect tags and direct tags and what's a tag in general and all that. And don't worry--everyone makes mistakes with it. It's not the easiest thing to get the hang of. If you're impatient, though, you can always pick up your favorite novel and see how the author does all the technical stuff.



And now, onto more exciting stuff than where to put commas (blah).

I think you've got a good concept here! At the very least, I was intrigued by it. I was somewhat confused, though, because you have it taking place in 1806, but the dialogue sounded very much modern to me, as did the clothing. Maybe you could do some research into the year and figure out what people would be wearing, and how they would talk? Or, you could update the year some and make it easier to do... In other words, make sure 1806 is really the date you want, and go for it 100% :D

If 1806 is your date, I've got one additional nitpick, and that's that there was no such thing as an American accent back in 1806. In fact, until 1812, Americans didn't think of themselves as Americans. Instead, it was Virginians or Pennsylvanians, etc, or even Bostonian. And the accents were just as diverse. So, you might want to be more specific with it.

And... that's all I'm going to mention for now, because I don't want to dump a bunch of stuff on you to work on. So, get to work on that next chapter, and let me know when it's posted in case I don't see it, and I'll tell you some more then :D

As for now... if you have any questions, any at all, please feel free to bug me by PM or on my Wall or even right here on the thread.

Rach
I don't fangirl. I fandragon.

Have you thanked a teacher lately? You should. Their bladder control alone is legend.



You can't blame the writer for what the characters say.
— Truman Capote