Thing

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Chapter 1
The Firethrower


It's not like I wanted any of it, but stuff always comes along anyway. Some days strange things happen, and they don't come stranger than what happened to me. You can ask for something exciting to happen in life, but you're just complaining - really, you're happy with life how it is. Often, you just complain because you can - and when something really strange happens, you wish it never did - then you start complaining about that.

Do you like your mum? Most people say they hate them, but they don't mean it. Me? I wouldn't say I like her. Don't get me wrong, I love her lots, but sometimes I just wish she'd shut up and leave me alone. She treats me like an incredibly delicate object, one that might just break into pieces if the come into contact with the outsite world. I caught cancer when I was little, see, and she's never been the same since - even though I'm much better. She takes me for check-ups every three months, and, to be honest, it's a bit much.
I didn't tell anyone at school about that. Sometimes I want to - it'd shut them up for a bit. They start whining about some stupid spot on their lip or their ears being too big, and I want to thrust a picture of my death's-door self in their face and say 'try having cancer'.
Do you ever get that feeling? Y'know, when everyone's picking on you and you want to fall backwards off your chair and crack your skull open just to make them feel sorry? I get that a lot, but I've never done it.
Anyway, my school situation went from bad to worse on the fifth of October. The school I don't go to anymore, not that I care too much. The thing I do care about is that I've got a criminal record for setting fire to the lower-school's girls' toilets.

A criminal record for something I never did.

It was one of those afternoons. You know the sort - the sun is blazing extra forcefully and bathing the school in a boiling white light that turns every face pink. The clouds were absent despite the odd stratos drift far and between, all fleeing from the great white dish that was the sun. It was the sort of atmosphere that makes your brain evaporate inside your head, so that any information that goes through an earhole just lingers, unstored. It was at the stage where even the girls who's lives revolved around getting a tan were complaining.
Maths and too-hot school days don't mix very well.
So I was listening to my dumbo teacher twittering on about something technical that probably wasn't technical at all, and I noticed something strange - a cat.
With violet eyes.
Stood on it's hind legs outside.
Waving.
At me.
So my mind wandered far away, no longer in the classroom, but over with the cat that was lacking skills in being a cat. Then I noticed something even stranger, something I wouldn't have spotted if the light hadn't been shining so brightly.
The cat...had wings.
Transparent, shiny, butterfly wings that reflected great patches of light like panels of glass.
I shot out of my seat, startled, shaking my head. My hair was wet with sweat - and the cause of it wasn't entirely heat.
"Can I go to the toilet?" I said, far too loudly. Everyone was staring at me with raised eyebrows.
Perhaps my pale, sweat-dappled face made me look ill enough for Mrs Darl to let me, she'd normally drink sick rather than let someone miss even three minutes of maths.
"Ok," she said slowly, nodding. "Be quick, ok?"
I didn't wait to hear the last three words properly. I bolted out of the room and thundered down the polished corridors and wrenched open the toilet door, sticking my whole head under the tap and soaking myself. It was only lukewarm but it felt freezing compared to the sweltering heat around me. It must have been why I was halucinating.
I must have been halucinating.
When my head was totally sodden, I looked up.
And saw a tiny creature, no bigger than my hand.
And all I thought was 'Wake me up, this is mean'.
It was like a scorpian, but with no pincers, just long flowing tendrils that twined round each other contantly. Its corkscrew tail was flaring softly, and its tiny fangs were as thin as paper but much sharper. Its eyes glowed like bulbs inside its marble-sized head, like gemstones.
They were violet.
So, suddenly, for some odd, unknown reason, I knew that the 'cat' outside...
...was the same creature as the one here.
"Who are you?" I whispered, barely speaking.
The creature opened its tiny mouth to speak, and then-
FIRE! Great, scortching whirls of fiery scarlet, whirls of burning orange and glowing gold filled the room. Heat seared my skin and flew inches past my face. I ducked just in time, though my hair was singed by this outburst. However, the toilets weren't to get off so lightly. The curtains were ingited, so were the rolls of toilet paper, and the flames persisted in creeping down all the walls.
I looked up just in time to see a message in the flames, a few twists of black smoke that withered after a second.
LOST.
You musn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling ~ Inception.

< Oh, and yeah, feel the love. ;)




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Oh wow, supernova, this was brilliant, utterly brilliant. What a treat!

I love your MC, already she has such a strong voice (although it may be actually you going off on some tangents..? ;D) but I love her. Already. This is the voice I'm very happy with hearing through a whole novel. Although one thing..? What's her name? I don't like not knowing the name of a single character after reading a whole chapter. Especially the main character. Perhaps the teacher could say it when she lets her go to the toilet? "Okay _. Be quick, okay?"

Humour ... check. Correct comma use ... check. Correct punctuation ... check. oh, except in, um, let me find them...

Stood on it's its hind legs outside.

This rule is a pain, I know, but when you refer to an object or creature, there's no apostrophe. Apostrophes are used only when showing something belong to someone with proper nouns. "It" isn't one. ..And if you miss out letters and such, but you seem to have got that nailed already.

Some other typos I noticed...

but stuff always comes along anyway

"Stuff" is very vague. At first I thought your MC meant that she kept getting thing delivered to her from Amazon. Perhaps you could elaborate a bit more..? "Bad things" still keeps a bit of mystery, yet also hints about what kind of "stuff" comes her way.

one that might just break into pieces if the come into contact with the outsite world

"...If they come into contact with the outside..." did you mean?

I caught cancer when I was little

I don't think you can catch cancer... O.O You can develop cancer, but cancer is not contagious.

despite the odd stratos drifting far and between

Should make more sense.

even the girls who's lives revolved

Should be whose.

I noticed something strange - a cat.
With violet eyes.
Stood on it's hind legs outside.
Waving.
At me.

I love how each line adds another degree of hilarity. ;D

and the cause of it wasn't entirely heat.

I'm being picky here, but I think "the heat" may make it sound better.

I have to rush off somewhere, I'm sorry. So I'm going to bring this review to a quick finish. Okay, I love, LOVE, the voice. Probably because of the faint humour - and I'm a sucker for that. I found your beginning paragraphs perhaps a bit rambling, but very true and interesting. Your description, while quite abstract, was very, very good. Especially the part about the fire. However, you failed to ground some things with your description, for example,
And saw a tiny creature, no bigger than my hand.
Where? Where was this creature? On the wall? By the tap? Try and ground these things, then we have more of a sense of your world. It makes everything more believable, and the more believable your story is, the more enjoyable it is.

Still, I look forward to more! Give me a shout if you have any questions or if you post the next chapter! I'd love to see more! C:

Happy writing, hope I helped!

~EmmaJane~
Your = Possession. Your shoes are so sweet!
You're = Omission. You're quite strange...

If you are confused about which to put, simply say in your mind "you are" and see if that fits the sentence. If not, you are looking for your.

Little Macey | Got YWS? | KOTS:BD




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This is an interesting start... I'll give my overall opinion at the end.

My thoughts as I went through:

Some punctuation and spelling errors.

Some of those lines in your first paragraph are worded a little confusingly... :\

"I caught cancer..." Cancer isn't contagious, so the character couldn't have just 'caught' it. They found cancer, I got cancer... But 'caught' implies there was some cancer bug going around and he caught it from his friend when they shared a can of pop or something.

The narrative of your main character (still don't know what gender yet. :\) is interesting. Like I said before, some things are worded in a way I find a little confusing, but maybe that's just how the character speaks... The 'do you ever feel like...' questions are a great way of showing us how the character thinks: morbidly, perhaps mildly depressedly... Basically, you're doing a good job of showing us what the character is like, right from the get-go. Though I still think your narration could use a little polishing, to make it read smoother. XD

"It was one of those afternoons. You know the sort - the sun is blazing extra forcefully and bathing the school in a boiling white light that turns every face pink. The clouds were absent despite the odd stratos drift far and between, all fleeing from the great white dish that was the sun. It was the sort of atmosphere that makes your brain evaporate inside your head, so that any information that goes through an earhole just lingers, unstored. It was at the stage where even the girls who's lives revolved around getting a tan were complaining."
This paragraph... It's interesting. I like some of the ways you described things - particularly the lingering, unstored information - but it's a lot of lines of "artsy" description in a row... I don't know. It just seems a bit weird to me. Maybe you could condense it a little? Like, you have two different lines about the sun that basically tell us the same thing. Maybe you could blend those lines into something like... "... all fleeing from the great white dish that bathed the school in a boiling white light, turning every face pink." Meh. Something like that. Ish.

"Stood on it's hind legs outside.
Waving."
I like this, lol, but make sure you're making tenses agree with each other. Stood - Waving. Past - Present. It should be either past - past or present - present. I'd recommend present - present: Standing - Waving.

"So my mind wandered far away, no longer in the classroom, but over with the cat that was lacking skills in being a cat."
Again... Sentences like this... I think they could probably be reworded, because as is they're a little... oddly phrased.
Particularly that last part. I get what you mean - the cat doesn't seem to know proper cat behavior - and it would be a funny line, but... it just seems odd to me. XD

"she'd normally drink sick..."
...
Drink? Sick? :\ I don't really understand... what this means. o.O

"Wake me up, this is mean."
...
Again... huh?

"Great, scortching whirls of fiery scarlet, whirls of burning orange and glowing gold filled the room." Scorching. Also... This seems like this would be hard for him to 'dodge' in the next sentence or two.

Overall:
Um... I feel I must ask, though I'll feel stupid if you're not... Are you... not from the US? I mean, is English not your first language? I don't mean to offend, it's just I'm getting that vibe from the way certain things are worded, and like, calling the bathroom 'the toilet' and stuff... XD
If English IS your first language, then I apologize profusely, begging your forgiveness. XD And recommend you read your story out loud. If something sounds a bit odd, find a smoother way to phrase it.

I'm getting a good sense of voice from this - a voice that could be funny, and entertaining, and interesting. But the narration needs to feel just a little more natural, in my opinion... When you can picture someone telling the story in real life, it makes it a lot easier for the reader to get sucked into the story. Otherwise, they pause every few seconds to think, "What does this mean?" or "What is the author trying to say here?" and it pulls them out of the story.

The story itself has potential... I'm interested in what this cat/scorpian creature is, what 'LOST' means, etc. etc.

Definitely keep working on it. Polish it up a little, make it shine.

And the biggest piece of advice I'd give you aside from trying to make your voice more natural is to give us a little more information on the character. Right now, I'm STILL not sure if it's a boy or a girl (I'm actually ASSUMING girl right now, because she allegedly burns up the girls' bathroom, but it never really says that in the story). I know a little about her(?) and how she(?) thinks from the narration, but I'd like to know more, since this is the person I'm going to be following around for the rest of the story. At the very least, make the teacher address her by name when she lets her go to the bathroom, so we know what to call this person.

Nice start to this. Keep working at it. ;)
"Pay Attention. Pay Close Attention to everything, everything you see. Notice what no one else notices, and you'll know what no one else knows. What you get is what you get. What you do with what you get is more the point. -- Loris Harrow, City of Ember (Movie)



There are some things you can't share without ending up liking each other, and knocking out a twelve-foot mountain troll is one of them.
— J.K. Rowling