Knowing Lilly Devwa- chapter two

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The cab driver held an outstretched grubby hand. I slapped down with a twenty as I threw open the door.
"keep the change," I yelled.
"Thanks," He yelled pulling away.I stood before the towering hotel, I had seen their advert on television.
"The most luxorius hotel in the world,expierence pleasure like never before. Branches set up all over the world. So wether your in England or Chicago. It is the place to be," The television would blare out to the mindless audiences. I exhaled slightly, this was the biggest moment in my life so far. I started to walk towards the doors, they were black with gold handles. As I approached them they swung inwards, expelling a lovely warm heat from the lobby. Smells of warm wood and cinamon slowly followed. My heart was now in my throat and it became harder to breathe with every beat, but I stepped forward inside regardless.

Four women were sat around a circular dark oak table chatting, whilst one stood by herself a little back. You could pick them out as models straight away, all whom wanted another chance in the buisness, where as I was to start from scratch. I don't have a chance. The doubt began to cling and crawl at the edge of my mind, but I shook it off and walked forward with a smile on my face. I went towards the woman at the back, she had dark skin and shoulder length black hair. She stood with more wait on her left leg and looking around with distain.She had a black sequened dress on with six inch stilettoes to match. Aunty David's advice came into mind again.
"Never try to hard, or otherwise the boss will see right through you,As I got closer towards her she shot me an evil look, turned and walked away. I was about to go and try and talk to the others but it was too late.
"Oh my god, darlings!" A voice called from across the lobby, it was followed by a laugh. It was him, Lilly Devwa, my hero and I was about to meet him. My palms became sweaty but I knew it was to late. I turned to see him, he was wearing a fitted slate suit with stunning italian leather shoes. His hair was thin and swept to the left and he had black rimmed channel glasses
"My darlings, up those stairs lies the job of a lifetime," he gestured behinds him whilst saying this, a stone black marble staircase assended across the lobby." You have all been giving a gorgeous girl and you must choose there outfit. Make them fabulous my babies, and the winner shall be told then and there. Okay girls follow me." He turned on his heel and began to strut to the other side of the room. We all began to walk with him to the stairs, to the job interview of a life time.

The heels of shoes clicked against the marble as the last of us made are way up the staircase. Five women stood barely dressed behind Lilly.
"Welcome to your job interview my darlings. I will go through them all now. Elissa Hardy you have A; Jasmine-May Cour you have B; C belongs to Catherine Ireson; D will be done by Kelsey Hammond; Zara Crest has E; F -"
"Sorry I'm late!" A voice yelled up the stairs. A woman with long red hair got to the top of the stairs. Lilly looked at her over the rim of his glasses. He gave her a once over, and turned back.
"Go home darling, this job is not for you," he said in a serious tone, she nodded and ran down the stairs. One less I thought to myself. "F can be done by Macie Stringfellows. Darlings Dazzle me! You have thirty minutes," He yelled and walked to a leather black chair in the corner. The girls who were stood behind him had now began to walk off to different secitions which had been sectioned off by canvas. Each having a large black letter printed off it. I started to walk towards letter E. It was now or never, my palms were sweaty. I felt horribly nervous, I wanted to be sick. I wanted the job so much more though, so I knew what I had to do.

I stepped inside my section. Six rails of clothes were there, three shelves of shoes and a few of accesories. Aunty David sprung to mind again.
"It's autum and the country is so in right now. So honey throw away that parka and throw on an old hobo," When he told me this I was not ever wearing a parka, it was just his way of telling me I ws out of style. I was working with a blond with fair complexion and a petit figure. I went to the first rail, full of dresses. I was going to do casual so I stepped straight passed it. The second was full of jeans; Jeans were good. I began to browse through the rail. Light and slightly battered. Light and slightly battered. That is what I was looking for. After five minutes of searching through the wrong jeans I found a pair. They has a slightly battered feel to them but had a new look at the same time. I walked over to the model,
"Try these please honey," I said smiling. She just nodded and began putting her slender legs in them. Perfect I smiled. I began to get more and more excited. I decided to go for shoes next. I imediatly came to a pair of dark brown country girl boots. I just threw them behind me as I knew they were the ones instinctively. I looked at my watch, half my time was gone already. I began to panic. I quickly stepped over to the tops. I already knew what I was looking for, it was just a matter of finding it. Five minutes later and I still had not found it. I had seen some beautiful shirts but I want a red checkered shirt. I kept on going, there had to be one, Iknew it. I became more frantic with my searching. I went to the next rail, the second I touched it, it fell apart. Tons of clothes were sprawled out across the floor. No! I thought to myself. I looked towards the next rail and there it was. A beautiful red checked shirt. I leapt over the pile of clothes and grabbed the shirt. I went back to my model and made herput it on. She looked fabulous but she was missing something, but I couldn't figure it. I really began to panic now. She raised her hand a pointed at her waist.
"A belt," I exclaimed. I went over to the accesories and started to rummage through the belts. A wide brown one stuck out from the rest.
"Come out darlings. It is time!" A voice yelled from behind the curtain. I tossed it towards my model and she put it on as quickly as she had got it. I gave a heavy sigh and opened my curtain and my work walked out into the room.

All of the girls were stood in front of Lilly. He was looking them all up and down individually. I became even more nervous now. I was contemplating sneaking out in a hope no one would notice.The rest of the girls were just as nervous. Four out of the six models were wearing dresses.
"Darings I need to get rid of four of you at the moment. Zara and Jasmine. You can stay the rest of you ladies must go. Sorry darlings," he turned and waved as four of the girls walked down the stairs. I heard some crying once they were out of sight. That was going to be me in a few seconds. Jasmine was the girl in the sequened dress from downstairs. Lilly went and sat back in his chair,
"Darling's your creation were beautiful, outstanding. I intend to use them both," He grinned like a cat. He looked us both up and down for what seemed like an age and every second I felt more and more nervous. This was the most horrible experience of my lfie so far.
"Jasmine baby," he said slowly. He was about to give her the job. I braced myself so I was ready,"you're going home baby, so sorry. Zara you have the job." I nearly collapsed. Lilly Devwa wanted me. I didn't know if I wanted to cry, laugh or kiss him. Jasmine walked down the stairs muttering curses under her breath.
"Come darling sit, we have details to discuss." I went and sat in a similar chair to his. I was still in shock. I was now working for Lilly Devwa, my life was complete.
'I have loved to the point of madness, which for me is the only true way to love'
~Francoise Sagan




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Hey, I got your PM and here I am.

So... I liked the first chapter better but this was good. One thing I saw a lot is you like run on sentences. You put a comma where a period or conjunction should go. Like this:

I stood before the towering hotel, I had seen their advert on television.

You have to have a period or conjunction where that comma is no exceptions. If you read through it you'll find a lot more.

Another thing I saw repeated again and again was:

"Welcome to your job interview, my darlings. I will go through them all now. Elissa Hardy, you have A; Jasmine-May Cour, you have B; C belongs to Catherine Ireson; D will be done by Kelsey Hammond; Zara Crest has E; F -"

When you're addressing someone or a group you have to have a comma after the name or before it if it's the last part of the sentence.

Now I'll point out the other things I saw and be an annoying nitpicker. :)

retrodisco666 wrote:The cab driver held an outstretched grubby hand. I slapped down with a twenty as I threw open the door.
"keep the change," I yelled.
"Thanks," He yelled pulling away.
I stood before the towering hotel, I had seen their advert on television.
"The most luxorius hotel in the world,expierence pleasure like never before. Branches set up all over the world. So wetherWhether your in England or Chicago. The sentence is a fragment because of the word whether just join it with the sentence that follows this one.It is the place to be," The television would blare out to the mindless audiences. I liked this part.I exhaled slightly, this was the biggest moment in my life so far. I started to walk towards the doors, they were black with gold handles. As I approached them they swung inwards, expelling a lovely warm heat from the lobby. Smells of warm wood and cinamon slowly followed. My heart was now in my throat and it became harder to breathe with every beat, but I stepped forward inside regardless.

Four women were sat around a circular dark oak table chatting, whilst one stood by herself a little back. You could pick them out as models straight away, all whom wanted another chance in the buisness, where as I was to start from scratch. I don't have a chance. The doubt began to cling and crawl at the edge of my mind, but I shook it off and walked forward with a smile on my face. I went towards the woman at the back, she had dark skin and shoulder length black hair. She stood with more wait on her left leg and looking around with distain.She had a black sequened dress on with six inch stilettoes to match. Aunty David's advice came into mind again.
"Never try to hard, or otherwise the boss will see right through you,Period instead of a comma here. I think that's what you meant to do since as is capitalized. There needs to be a space too. As I got closer towards her she shot me an evil look, turned and walked away. Someone's a little hoity toity!"I was about to go and try and talk to the others but it was too late.
"Oh my god, darlings!" A voice called from across the lobby, it was followed by a laugh. It was him, Lilly Devwa, my hero and I was about to meet him. My palms became sweaty but I knew it was to Homonyms 101! Too. late. What is too late? I turned to see him, he was wearing a fitted slate suit with stunning italian leather shoes. His hair was thin and swept to the left and he had black rimmed channel Does channel need to be capitalized? I'm guessing it's a company. Yes, I know nothing of fashion. How on earth did you guess? glasses
"My darlings, up those stairs lies the job of a lifetime," he gestured behinds him whilst saying this, a stone black marble staircase assended across the lobby." You have all been giving a gorgeous girl and you must choose there outfit. Make them fabulous my babies, and the winner shall be told then and there. Okay girls follow me." He turned on his heel and began to strut to the other side of the room. We all began to walk with him to the stairs, to the job interview of a life time.

The heels of shoes clicked against the marble as the last of us made are way up the staircase. Five women stood barely dressed behind Lilly.
"Welcome to your job interview my darlings. I will go through them all now. Elissa Hardy you have A; Jasmine-May Cour you have B; C belongs to Catherine Ireson; D will be done by Kelsey Hammond; Zara Crest has E; F -"
"Sorry I'm late!" A voice yelled up the stairs. A woman with long red hair got to the top of the stairs. Lilly looked at her over the rim of his glasses. He gave her a once over, and turned back
"Go home darling, this job is not for you," he said in a serious tone, she nodded and ran down the stairs.. Is that really all she did? Oh, I just got turned down without a shot at being the greatest designer of all time's assistant. That's cool. A little more emotion, please. One less I thought to myself. "F can be done by Macie Stringfellows. Where did Macie come from? Darlings Dazzle Dazzle should be lowercase. me! You have thirty minutes," He yelled and walked to a leather black chair in the corner. The girls who were stood behind him had now began to walk off to different secitionsSections which had been sectioned Try to find another word. You used section twice in the same sentence.off by canvas. Each having a large black letter printed off it. I started to walk towards letter E. It was now or never, my palms were sweaty. I felt horribly nervous, I wanted to be sick. I wanted the job so much more though, so I knew what I had to do.

I stepped inside my section. Six rails of clothes were there, three shelves of shoes and a few of accesories. Aunty David sprung to mind again.
"It's autum and the country is so in right now. So honey throw away that parka and throw on an old hobo," When he told me this I was not ever wearing a parka, it was just his way of telling me I ws wasout of style. I was working with a blond with fair complexion and a petit Petite figure. I went to the first rail, full of dresses. I was going to do casual so I stepped straight passed it. The second was full of jeans; Jeans were good. Don't capitalize after a semicolon. It's not a period. I began to browse through the rail. Light and slightly battered. Light and slightly battered. That is Was. A bit of a tense slip. what I was looking for. After five minutes of searching through the wrong jeans I found a pair. They has a slightly battered feel to them but had a new look at the same time. I walked over to the model, Period
"Try these please honey," I said smiling. She just nodded and began putting her slender legs in them. Perfect I smiled. I began to get more and more excited. I decided to go for shoes next. I imediatly Immediatelycame to a pair of dark brown country girl boots. I just threw them behind me as I knew they were the ones instinctively. I looked at my watch, half my time was gone already. It took you fifteen minutes to find jeans and shoes? I began to panic. I quickly stepped over to the tops. I don't think stepped over is the best way to put that. Maybe, try moved to instead. I already knew what I was looking for, it was just a matter of finding it. Five minutes later and I still had not found it. I had seen some beautiful shirts but I want a red checkered shirt. I kept on going, there had to be one, I Space knew it. I became more frantic with my searching. I went to the next rail, the second I touched it, it fell apart. Bad luck! Tons of clothes were sprawled out across the floor. No! I thought to myself. I looked towards the next rail and there it was. A beautiful red checked shirt. I leapt over the pile of clothes and grabbed the shirt. I went back to my model and made her Space put it on. She looked fabulous but she was missing something, but I couldn't figure it. I really began to panic now. She raised her hand a pointed at her waist. Don't you have a smart model!
"A belt," I exclaimed. I went over to the accesories and started to rummage through the belts. A wide brown one stuck out from the rest. Stupid question but I care. Stuck out like... physically or looks wise if you know what I mean.
"Come out darlings. It is time!" A voice yelled from behind the curtain. I tossed it towards my model and she put it on as quickly as she had got it. I gave a heavy sigh and opened my curtain and my work walked out into the room.

All of the girls were stood in front of Lilly. He was looking them all up and down individually. I became even more nervous now. I was contemplating sneaking out in a hope no one would notice.The rest of the girls were just as nervous. Four out of the six models were wearing dresses.
"Darings I need to get rid of four of you at the moment. Zara and Jasmine. You can stay the rest of you ladies must go. Sorry darlings," Why does he have an aversion toward dresses? he turned and waved as four of the girls walked down the stairs. I heard some crying once they were out of sight. That was going to be me in a few seconds. Jasmine was the girl in the sequened dress from downstairs. Lilly went and sat back in his chair, Period
He's kind of mean to do a little contest thing but I like it.

"Darling's your creation were beautiful, outstanding. I intend to use them both,Period, and can he do that? Can he just use their design without giving them some sort of payment whether it be a job or money." He grinned like a cat. He looked us both up and down for what seemed like an age and every second I felt more and more nervous. This was the most horrible experience of my lfie life so far.
"Jasmine baby," he said slowly. He was about to give her the job. I braced myself so I was ready,"you're going home baby, so sorry. Zara you have the job." I nearly collapsed. Lilly Devwa wanted me. I didn't know if I wanted to cry, laugh or kiss him. Jasmine walked down the stairs muttering curses under her breath. Isn't she disappointed? Isn't she sad? She's just mad?
"Come darling sit, we have details to discuss." I went and sat in a similar chair to his. I was still in shock. I was now working for Lilly Devwa, my life was complete. I liked my life is complete. It gives you an idea of how much fashion means to her.


One thing I was thinking about was that we don't know her name until this chapter. I didn't realize it while reading chapter one but... yeah.

Is Jasmine coming back because she seems like a good antagonist?

I read your summary on you're novel cover thing and it sounds a lot like The Devil Wears Prada. Which is fine. I was just wondering...

Anyway, I enjoyed it. Keep writing.
Megsug
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retrodisco666 wrote:The cab driver held an outstretched grubby hand. I slapped down with a twenty as I threw open the door.
"keep the change," I yelled.
"Thanks," He yelled pulling away.I stood before the towering hotel, I had seen their advert on television.
"The most luxorius hotel in the world,expierence pleasure like never before. Branches set up all over the world. So wether your in England or Chicago. It is the place to be," The television would blare out to the mindless audiences. I exhaled slightly, this was the biggest moment in my life so far. I started to walk towards the doors, they were black with gold handles. As I approached them they swung inwards, expelling a lovely warm heat from the lobby. Smells of warm wood and cinamon slowly followed. My heart was now in my throat and it became harder to breathe with every beat, but I stepped forward inside regardless.

Four women were sat around a circular dark oak table chatting, whilst one stood by herself a little back. You could pick them out as models straight away, all whom wanted another chance in the buisness, where as I was to start from scratch. I don't have a chance. The doubt began to cling and crawl at the edge of my mind, but I shook it off and walked forward with a smile on my face. I went towards the woman at the back, she had dark skin and shoulder length black hair. She stood with more wait on her left leg and looking around with distain.She had a black sequened dress on with six inch stilettoes to match. Aunty David's advice came into mind again.
"Never try to hard, or otherwise the boss will see right through you,As I got closer towards her she shot me an evil look, turned and walked away. I was about to go and try and talk to the others but it was too late.
"Oh my god, darlings!" A voice called from across the lobby, it was followed by a laugh. It was him, Lilly Devwa, my hero and I was about to meet him. My palms became sweaty but I knew it was to late. I turned to see him, he was wearing a fitted slate suit with stunning italian leather shoes. His hair was thin and swept to the left and he had black rimmed channel Chanel. It's Chanel. Also doesn't need to be italicized glasses
"My darlings, up those stairs lies the job of a lifetime," he gestured behinds him whilst saying this, a stone black marble staircase assended across the lobby." You have all been giving a gorgeous girl and you must choose there outfit. Make them fabulous my babies, and the winner shall be told then and there. Okay girls follow me." He turned on his heel and began to strut to the other side of the room. We all began to walk with him to the stairs, to the job interview of a life time.

The heels of shoes clicked against the marble as the last of us made are way up the staircase. Five women stood barely dressed behind Lilly.
"Welcome to your job interview my darlings. I will go through them all now. Elissa Hardy you have A; Jasmine-May Cour you have B; C belongs to Catherine Ireson; D will be done by Kelsey Hammond; Zara Crest has E; F -"
"Sorry I'm late!" A voice yelled up the stairs. A woman with long red hair got to the top of the stairs. Lilly looked at her over the rim of his glasses. He gave her a once over, and turned back.
"Go home darling, this job is not for you," he said in a serious tone, she nodded and ran down the stairs. One less I thought to myself. "F can be done by Macie Stringfellows. Darlings Dazzle me! You have thirty minutes," He yelled and walked to a leather black chair in the corner. The girls who were stood behind him had now began to walk off to different secitions which had been sectioned off by canvas. Each having a large black letter printed off it. I started to walk towards letter E. It was now or never, my palms were sweaty. I felt horribly nervous, I wanted to be sick. I wanted the job so much more though, so I knew what I had to do.

I stepped inside my section. Six rails of clothes were there, three shelves of shoes and a few of accesories. Aunty David sprung to mind again.
"It's autum and the country is so in right now. So honey throw away that parka and throw on an old hobo," Italic here, though, since it's her thoughts When he told me this I was not evereven wearing a parka, it was just his way of telling me I ws out of style. I was working with a blond with fair complexion and a petit figure. I went to the first rail, full of dresses. I was going to do casual so I stepped straight passed it. The second was full of jeans; Jeans were good. I began to browse through the rail. Light and slightly battered. Light and slightly battered. That is what I was looking for. After five minutes of searching through the wrong jeans I found a pair. They has a slightly battered feel to them but had a new look at the same time. I walked over to the model,
"Try these please honey," I said smiling. She just nodded and began putting her slender legs in them. Perfect Comma I smiled. I began to get more and more excited. I decided to go for shoes next. I imediatly came to a pair of dark brown country girl boots. I just threw them behind me as I knew they were the ones instinctively. I looked at my watch, half my time was gone already. I began to panic. I quickly stepped over to the tops. I already knew what I was looking for, it was just a matter of finding it. Five minutes later and I still had not found it. I had seen some beautiful shirts but I want a red checkered shirt. I kept on going, there had to be one, Iknew it. I became more frantic with my searching. I went to the next rail, the second I touched it, it fell apart. Tons of clothes were sprawled out across the floor. No! I thought to myself. I looked towards the next rail and there it was. A beautiful red checked shirt. I leapt over the pile of clothes and grabbed the shirt. I went back to my model and made herspaceput it on. She looked fabulous but she was missing something, but I couldn't figure it. I really began to panic now. She raised her hand a pointed at her waist.
Hmm, maybe too descriptive here. Show the reader. Give us how your MC is feeling, emotion.

"A belt," I exclaimed. I went over to the accessories and started to rummage through the belts. A wide brown one stuck out from the rest.
"Come out darlings. It is time!" A voice yelled from behind the curtain. I tossed it towards my model and she put it on as quickly as she had got it. I gave a heavy sigh and opened my curtain and my work walked out into the room.

All of the girls were stood in front of Lilly. He was looking them all up and down individually. I became even more nervous now. I was contemplating sneaking out in a hope no one would notice.The rest of the girls were just as nervous. Four out of the six models were wearing dresses.
"Darings I need to get rid of four of you at the moment. Zara and Jasmine. You can stay the rest of you ladies must go. Sorry darlings," he turned and waved as four of the girls walked down the stairs. I heard some crying once they were out of sight. That was going to be me in a few seconds. Jasmine was the girl in the sequened dress from downstairs. Lilly went and sat back in his chair,
"Darling's your creation were beautiful, outstanding. I intend to use them both," He grinned like a cat. He looked us both up and down for what seemed like an age and every second I felt more and more nervous. This was the most horrible experience of my lfie so far.
"Jasmine baby," he said slowly. He was about to give her the job. I braced myself so I was ready,"you're going home baby, so sorry. Zara you have the job." I nearly collapsed. Lilly Devwa wanted me. I didn't know if I wanted to cry, laugh or kiss him. Jasmine walked down the stairs muttering curses under her breath.
"Come darling sit, we have details to discuss." I went and sat in a similar chair to his. I was still in shock. I was now working for Lilly Devwa, my life was complete.



OVERALL

More Emotion!
Shovel it in!

Up there, while you were describing the outfits, you had a lot of description. Try to show the readers what your MC is thinking, in stead of having all that detail.

Write On
~WickedWonder
'We will never believe again, kick drum beating in my chest again, oh, we will never believe in anything again, preach electric to a microphone stand.'

*Formerly wickedwonder*



That awkward moment when you jump out a window because your friend jumped out a window, then you remember that your other friend can fly.
— Rick Riordan, The Ship of the Dead