The Beach

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I really, really need your reviews on this one. I was supposed to write a descriptive essay on the beach. I did my best, BUT I can't tell you how much I appreciate reviews. Many thanks, Palip.

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It was like standing at world's edge, or rather the start of a scenario which resists the hands of time itself. My life seemed so insignificant as the carnage of the play unfolded before my eyes. A place which bestowed the feeling of life and peace upon humans, somewhere where people laughed as they buried each other in the sand or splashed into the water, had morphed into a horror movie.

The wind howled and raged with such intensity, ready to engulf anything which stood in its path of annihilation, spreading havoc wherever it went. Its feral freedom I found petrifying. I was frozen to the spot.

Miles and miles of endless sea worked itself up in a frenzy, frothing in anticipation. Waves rolled and collapsed into each other, rising out of the water as they crawled further and further up the shore in a foreboding manner.

I shut my eyes as I felt the golden dust beneath my feet rise. Minuscule particles of sand swirled, danced and laughed at the wind's desperate attempt for freedom. There were so many of them, interlocking with each other, that they formed a thick brown shield. It enveloped me in its embrace, deliberately preventing me from witnessing the rest of the play.

My knees buckled. The wind was too strong, too heinous. It thumped me square in my chest, and I fell back onto the soft sand.

I could not understand this. It had been folly to come out here, sheer madness to go to the beach on a windy winter day. Yet, all I had heard about the beach was what a mind-blowing place it was. How it washed all your troubles away, how life's hardships seemed so paltry as one walked along the shore; as one felt the wet, cushioning sand beneath one's feet and the waves landed ever so gently, decorating the shore with little shells. Or how on hot summer days, the children would rush down to the sea, screaming in delight, wading into the water as they felt the sea's cold, benign touch. I also heard of how they would built sand castles all along the beach, and at the end of each day, the beach would look like one huge, complex battlefield, with castles lined up, one after the other along the shore.

I must have remained in the same position for ages, for I had neither the will nor the courage to try and sneak away from the elements to safety.

Many long hours of praying in terror before the play came to an abrupt end. The wind had caused enough destruction, the malignant dancing particles dropped back to the golden dust and the persistent waves receded back into the sea from whence they came.

I dared make an attempt to stand up, breathing in a long sigh of relief as I opened my eyes, surveying my surroundings. The sea tickled the shore ever so gently, the sand was cool and soothing. The beach was a place of heaven. And as I made my way back to the busy city life, shaken but unhurt, I pondered this one question. How could a place of such ferocity and terror turn into such a naïve and innocent paradise?
Last edited by Palip on Sat Oct 09, 2010 3:42 pm, edited 3 times in total.




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Hi Palip! Pink here :)
Well, look at that, both our names start with P lol. Coolio.
Well anyways, I'm here to review!

So, you mentioned that this an assignment for descriptive writing or something. I have to say, it is descriptive. But in my mind, it was kind of jumbled up or messy. In the beginning I was confused to what he was talking about, or where he was. Maybe you could make the setting more clear. Bring up something about him standing near the beach before you start going deep with the details and all.
Also you repeated something about he wind wanting to be released but I'm not quite sure where you were going with that. Wind, in my mind, is already free and untamed. So I found that bit a little confusing. I was trying to find some connection there or something between your writing but I failed, do let me know if otherwise.
I remembered how I used to be smitten with Greek mythology when I was but a young child.

This bit seemed out of place to me. Kind of messed with your flow since it's like some random fact, really.
Also, I'm still wondering what you mean with the white horse and it's connection to Greek mythology. The only white horse I know from there would be Pegasus, and it seems weird he would see Pegasus at the beach. I'm not sure >.<
How could a place of such ferocity and terror turn into such a naïve and innocent paradise?

I like this question in the end.
The sea tickled the shore ever so gently, the coconut trees providing a welcoming shade.

and
It had been folly to come out here, sheer madness to go to the beach on a windy winter day.

I thought it was winter, but then you mentioned the coconut trees and that's where I got confused.
Is is somewhere tropical?

Anyways, there weren't many nitpicks that I found with this. Your grammar and everything was pretty good. Your descriptions were quite nice and you had an interesting feeling going on. I liked the way you started off strong and then sizzled into a deeper calm feeling. Overall, I did enjoy reading this. Good job!
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me :)

~Shear
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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Hey Palip! :)

Thanks for addressing the few things questions I had with this edit. I'm happy to say this sounds better than the first time ^.^
Also, the beginning is wonderful. I really liked the words you used and I compliment you on the new revision of the 'wind' aspect. I find is so much more appealing!
Well, not much to pick out now :P
Good job!

~Shear
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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This was very interesting. I wrote something similar to this so I wanted to check it out. I was impressed with your diction, your word choice stood out. My favorite part was this:"
I could not understand this. It had been folly to come out here, sheer madness to go to the beach on a windy winter day. Yet, all I had heard about the beach was what a mind-blowing place it was. How it washed all your troubles away, how life's hardships seemed so paltry as one walked along the shore; as one felt the wet, cushioning sand beneath one's feet and the waves landed ever so gently, decorating the shore with little shells. Or how on hot summer days, the children would rush down to the sea, screaming in delight, wading into the water as they felt the sea's cold, benign touch. I also heard of how they would built sand castles all along the beach, and at the end of each day, the beach would look like one huge, complex battlefield, with castles lined up, one after the other along the shore."
But i would take the last three words' along the shore' out. it gets too wordy.
the best part about this was your diction and the images you described. the beach is my favorite place in the world and you captured it well. I like how you ended it with a valid question. Good job! the second half was better than the first.



Thou call'dst me a dog before thou hadst cause. But, since I am a dog, beware my fangs.
— Shylock, The Merchant of Venice