The Reproach of Sam

“You’re doing it again.” Frankie’s voice stopped my thumb in its tracks. He was right. I removed my hand from the beer label, half mutilated from my finger worrying at the paper and glue. Samuel Adams’ innocent face stared back at me, eyes sad but accusing.
“I’m just nervous.” I looked up at him from the half empty bottle I was cradling in both hands, set in my lap. It made an almost bell-like peal when I put it on the counter. No coaster.
‘Dude, I can understand. It’s a big thing.” And it was.
“You’d think I’d be used to it though. I’ve been doing this for a year now. Speaking had never been my strong point though. My hope that it would start coming easier with more experience and time turned out to be a false one.
“Well, you got all the facts- you just gotta say it, right?”
“Kind of, yeah. But they’re rules to be followed. It’s more like a rehearsed dialogue than a courtroom defense sometimes. “
“So, shouldn’ you be at home then? I mean, studyin’ an’ all that?”
Wise, wise, Frankie. I knew I should have been. Notes and files should be my company tonight. Not alcohol. Yet, here I was at my usual spot, on my usual barspot, talking to my usual guy. I looked down, guilt only helped by Sam’s reproach.
“Don’t get my wrong, Tom. Not like I can’t use the business.” He shot a meaningful look around the near empty bar. “It’s just, well, you’re a friend. Rather have you in here for the talk than the booze. And we both know that tonight’s a good night for more talk than booze. Maybe even more fer some studyin’.” We both gave smiles, mine into my drink, his into his clean counter as he rubbed it down with a filthy rag that I’m sure used to be white.
I looked up at him. His eyes always seemed so bright, reflective in the low light. His baldness always seemed distracting as well. I looked him in his bright eyes, and realized I’d never known the color. The bar was always too dark to see it.
“You know what, Frankie? You’re a good guy.” I took another swig of my beer, nice and cool. He wiped down the circle left behind from the bottle. I took another swallow, and set it down empty for the last time. No coaster again.
“Frankie- you should really get some coasters.”
“Aa, water’s cheaper. And I need somethin’ to do.”
“Guess so. Well, I’m gonna head home. Rehearsal and everything.” I smiled, but felt it turn into a wince. My feet came off the wooden piece towards the bottom of the stool, and ached in a long stripe where my weight had been resting. Fortunately, home was only a few houses down.
“Good luck.”
“Thanks.”
“G’night.”
“Night. See you tomorrow.”
I knew I’d be hungover in the morning. With a lightweight like me, there was no other way.




So- okay. This was something I just whipped up a little while ago. I've gone through and made some edits and everything, but I feel like it could be worked on a bit more. Problem is, I don't know what to do. I'm thinking about extending this a bit, either towards the beginning or end, or tacking on another scene at another time.

Is it enough as a stand alone short little scene, or does there need to be more of a conflict and/or plot?
Any other thoughts?
Thanks for reading- always appreciated.

-Coral-

There does need to be a bit more of a plot. Also, you should develop a little more into the mc because you don't really understand who he is or why he's at the bar that particular night. What is going on in the court room that he needs to study for? I did like this, but you need to widen your word choice. Other than that I loved it! Good work and keep writing!

'Allo, 'allo!

I liked this little scene, but I do think that as a story, it needs a little more. If nothing else, just a bit more information about what's behind this nervousness. Why is your MC so nervous about this particular case? (This is having to do with court, yes? That needs to be a bit more clear. As is, every time I read "studying", I pictured a college student.) Is this sort of reaction he always has? A bit more insight into the life around this scene would make it feel more like a story and less like an out-of-place scene.

But they’re rules to be followed.

I think you mean there're.

I like the conversation the two characters have, but I feel like I'm not getting anything about their relationship.

“You know what, Frankie? You’re a good guy.”

Has Frankie always been there like this, offering gentle insight? Why did the the MC realize this before? How long as Frankie been coming here? What made this night special? Why did they have this rapport here and now? It just feels like we're getting this one scene and like I said above, it just feels like a scene without any backstory to flesh it out.

The ending is a bit confusing. I mean, it seems like we're going to get some sort of character resolution, and instead, all we get is a tidbit about hangovers. What does that have to do with wrapping the story up? It just feels like it cuts off, rather than ends properly. Some sort of revelation or character growth would suit it a bit more. What is your character going to do now? Try to shape up? That makes a more powerful ending that just trailing off.

I do like this. It just feels like it can be so much more with some fleshing out. As of right now, it makes a nice scene. It needs a bit more to become a stand-alone story.

~GryphonFledgling