A Green Baby named Who? chapter two.

5 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 22
The second chapter to my new novel, A Green Baby Named Who?, hope you like it!

The following day, I felt a little weak in the legs. I wasn't sure why, but something felt a bit odd. Anyways, I got on with my day, Teneall was here today and we were discussing all the boys at school.
"I don't really care for boys right now..." I said, with a sigh.
"But what about Klaid, he has the biggest-"
"Don't tell me that again!" I butted in.
Teneall smiled just as some other girls came over.

"Ellie, why did you get your lip pierced?" The tallest one asked, Diana. I wanted to vomit on her, like literally get up and puke all over her terrible make-up. I hated her. I honestly really despised her.

"I got it done 'cause I wanted to." I said with a shrug.
Diana snickered.
"Funny, too bad it doesn't help you get a boyfriend." She remarked raising an eyebrow.
I sighed really loud. Does she not have life?

"Look, Diana. I don't want a boyfriend. I like my life. You think you are tough but to be honest you aren't."
I said, with gritted teeth. Sometimes, it was really hard to stand up for myself. I've always known I'm a freak.
The bell rang just as she opened her mouth to speak. Teneall grabbed my arm and lead me to class with her.
Got to love friends who protect you from bullies, hey?

On the way home, Teneall was walking home with me 'cause she was staying the night. I kept looking back for the strawberry hair girl but I didn't see her. I hadn't seen her all day. Still, I persistently kept looking around for her elegant figure to appear.

"Ellie" Teneall began as she took a bite of her apple. "Do you really not want a boyfriend?"
I looked down. I didn't know how to tell her some certain things.
"I don't know," I replied quietly.
"You don't need one, don't worry about what they say" She said suddenly.
I looked up at her and smiled, I could feel tears welling in my eyes but I pushed them back.
Sometimes, bullies just really got to me.

That night, Aunt Jackie came in with a big bottle of old fashioned Witch Whiskey. I smiled but was a little worried Teneall would think I was weird because we were going to drink. I know we were underage but it was common around here. Aunt Jackie poured us both a glass and told us ghost stories. She told us a very strange story about a women who was kidnapped only a few years ago while pregnant. They say that she was murdered and whenever you go near the her old house, you can hear a babies cry. It's supposed to be her unborn babies ghost crying out. I shivered at the thought. And most of Jackie's stories are real.

Me and Teneall snuggled into our sleeping bags outside and looked up at the stars. Luckily, it was summer and the warm nights were lovely with a breeze. My arms crossed behind my neck, I swear I saw a shooting star.

"Did you see that?!" I asked with excitement.
Teneall yawned. "Saw what?"
"The shooting star!" I exclaimed.
"Nope, I didn't see anything."

I sighed and made a wish anyway. I wished for something special to happen. That was all.

When we finally crawled back inside into my room and fell asleep, I had a strange dream again, but this time, it was more eerie and dark. Now the babies in the false womb were getting bigger, they looked like a real baby. But something was still strange about them. They looked slightly.....green in colour. The woman was stuck to the glass walls, her arms and legs up in a star shape. She was in so much distress, it was scary. I watched as they took more stuff from inside her. Blood and god knows what. I had no idea what it could be. Maybe they were cloning her into babies? Why anyway? I watched closely and saw the false womb was now starting to move, a thick green sticky liquid poured out and a baby fell out. All the people in the room ran to it to watch. The woman began screaming, her screams were so powerful it hurt. A man got up and hit her across the face.
"Shut the f**k up!" He spat. She whimpered and purred. It almost sounded like a kitten was inside her.

The people were all crowded around the new child that was born through this disgusting looking false womb. It was all messy and looked like some kind of vomit. Then there was a scream but from one of the female scientists, and then another scream and another. There was too much screaming! It hurt so much. A big noise went off, an alarm. And the woman stuck to the wall was laughing and trying to brake free. What on Earth was going on? Suddenly, the child was right in front of me and its eyes were green, it's skin was green. It was COMPLETELY green.

"Mummy?" It shrieked in the highest voice possible. And I screamed so loud at the sight of it's teeth coated in blood. But the image was lost and I was in my bed again. I was sweating all over and Teneall had woken up.
"What's wrong?" She said rubbing her eyes. "Why did you scream?"
"J-just a bad dream" I panted. I smacked my head back upon the pillow and prayed for not another dream like that ever again.


Teneall and I walked to school together the next day, and I tried really hard not to think about the nightmare I had last night. As we were walking, I saw the strawberry haired girl! She was across the road from us but walking directly straight, the same as us. I tried not to stare but it was hard not to.

"What are you looking at?" Teneall asked.
"Oh, just wondering who the new girl is over there. Never seen her before." I replied.
"What girl?"
I pointed.
"Ellie....there is no girl."

THEN, I knew something wasn't going quite right. Not right at all!
Last edited by MikaFreak123 on Sat Oct 09, 2010 4:27 am, edited 1 time in total.
I like Rainbows. ;)




.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1060
Reviews 10
LOL!, yayyy more me xD




A error that i saw was with this sentence

"Ellie" Teneall began as she took a bite of her apple. "Do you really not a boyfriend?"


should there be a 'need' in the middle of not and a?






anyways I like it more so far, hurry up and write chapter 3 biatch xD









Sohpiee-Rose
xx




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1058
Reviews 3
Oh man I just... LOVE IT!!!Continue the story it puts me on edge XD but for now some other things to point out ;)

"The tallest one asked,Diana

hmmm it sounds weird maybe you should try this:
"The tallest one asked, her hair flowing in the breeze. Her name was Diana ________" (put her last name^^)

"does she not have life?

Should be:
"Didn't she have a life? or "Doesn't she have a life?

"Got to love friends who protect you from bullies,hey?

lol good old ,eh (is how it's writen ^^)

"My hands crossed behind my head, I swear I just saw a shooting star.

Try something like this this:
"My hands crossed behind my head as I watched the sky through my window. My eyes widened, I could of sworn I had just spoted a shooting star in the dark sky!


"I sighed and made a wish anyway. I wished for something special to happen. That was all.

Embellish(don't know how to write this lol) example:
"I sighed and made a wish anyway. I wished that something special would appear in my life soon, it was a small yet simple wish that made me feel exited and content. (you can't use the exact same phrase lol it has to come from you :3)


"Now the babies in the false womb were getting bigger, they looked like a real baby.

Plurial Mika^^ (they looked like real babies)


"The woman was stuck to the glass walls, her arms and legs up in a star shape.

Attached perhaps? and the word you're searching for at the end is pentagram (search in dictionnary I'm not sure of it's spelling) *and I'm talking about the star shape.

"Blood and god-knows-what.

hmm change the god-knows-what(it's repeating), say something like :
"Blood and other body fluids I couldn't distinguish.

"Why anyway?

Take the anyway away or embellish.


"All the people in the room ran to it to watch.

Sounds cheesy DX , maybe:
"All the scientists in the room ran to its side, fretting and hovering over the new born being.

"The woman began screaming, her screams were so powerful it hurt.

What hurt?

"There was too much screaming! It hurt so much.

Lol, what hurt again?


"And the woman stuck to the wall was laughing and trying to brake free.

Hmm never begin a phrase with <And> (may I suggest attached instead of stuck? XD) Also put a <,> between laughing and trying. (the <and> is not needed)


"I smacked my head back upon the pillow and prayed for not another dream like that ever again.

Should be something like:
"I smacked my head back upon the pillow and prayed I would never again see such horrible things.


"She was across the road from us but walking directly straight, the same as us.

Hmm change it, example:
"She was across the ______ road, walking in the same direction as us. ( The _____ is for an embellishement example : slippery,main,small...etc...)
"Dream hard and you will be happy. Dream harder and you will be the dream. If you dream
even more tho, remember that I have warned you of the dangers of getting lost in an illusion that never ends...Always..." ~ Bri M.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1132
Reviews 18
Definatly better than the last chapter, though I daresay you sometimes need a little more description and your paragraphs are a little all over the place. For instance:

The following day, I felt a little weak in the legs. I wasn't sure why, but something felt a bit odd. Anyways, I got on with my day, Teneall was here today and we were discussing all the boys at school.
"I don't really care for boys right now..." I said, with a sigh.
"But what about Klaid, he has the biggest-"
"Don't tell me that again!" I butted in.
Teneall smiled just as some other girls came over.

"Ellie, why did you get your lip pierced?" The tallest one asked, Diana. I wanted to vomit on her, like literally get up and puke all over her terrible make-up. I hated her. I honestly really despised her.

"I got it done 'cause I wanted to." I said with a shrug.
Diana snickered.
"Funny, too bad it doesn't help you get a boyfriend." She remarked raising an eyebrow.
I sighed really loud. Does she not have life?


I think, for the sake of making it easier to read (I've made a few nitpicks) it should look like this:

The following day, I felt a little weak in the legs. I wasn't sure why, but something felt a bit odd. Anyways, I got on with my day, Teneall was here today and we were discussing all the boys at school.

"I don't really care for boys right now..." I said with a sigh.

"But what about Klaid, he has the biggest-"

"Don't tell me that again!" I butted in.

Teneall smiled just as some other girls came over.

"Ellie, why did you get your lip pierced?" The tallest one asked - Diana.

I wanted to vomit on her, like literally get up and puke all over her terrible make-up. I hated her. Honestly, I really despised her.

"I got it done 'cause I wanted to." I said with a shrug.

Diana snickered.

"Funny, too bad it doesn't help you get a boyfriend." She remarked, raising an eyebrow.

I sighed really loud. Does she not have life?


Also, I really liked the end, but I think, to make it better, you should get rid of the last sentence. It gets rid of the suspense! We don't need telling it's not right, she's seeing people no one else can see! :D

Overall, good. I look foward to reading more!
You mustn't be afraid to dream a little BIGGER, darling ~ Inception




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1060
Reviews 10
HURRY UP AND WRITE CHAPTER THREE!!! DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO.. hehe luv ya xD



You have been de-shenaniganed.
— WaffleCat