Chapter Twelve (Lucas)
The whole secret of existence is to have no fear. Never fear what will become of you, depend on no one. Only the moment you reject all help, are you freed.
~Buddha
~Buddha
~~~
Dianne set the table only for the two of us. The smell of freshly baked eggs and toast surrounded the kitchen, but unfortunately my appetite was slim.
“Did Liliah leave already?” Dianne asked, sitting down across from me. She put a fork into the egg and took a bite.
“Yes,” I answered, forcing myself to bite the toast. My stomach screamed with protest but I didn’t want to seem ungrateful. Dianne woke up early to make breakfast sometimes and I hated to waste her effort.
“Luke, did you two fight again?”
“Sort of,” I answered blandly. The truth was, Liliah had sunk back to ignoring my existence. I was her poison in a dish, something she refused to touch, to see and to face. I regretted kissing her, that moment was the biggest mistake in my life and I would do anything to go back in time and erase it.
How I could have been so blind for that second to go as far as kissing my sister-by-law was beyond me. But as far as I knew, she kissed me back and that counted for something.
“You aren’t eating much, are you feeling alright?” Dianne asked, raising her eyebrow.
“I’m fine and I should go, I’ll be late…” Scooting the chair back, I turned around.
“Luke, don’t be afraid to call me ‘Mom’.”
Stunned, I halted in my place. “Yeah…okay,” I whispered. Gathering the remains of my surprised self, I finally exited the kitchen and left out the door. Dianne was more of Mother than my real Mother ever could be, but yet I still withdrew myself from calling her ‘Mom’. It’s not that I didn’t want to, but calling her that would make me closer to being part of this family. Calling her ‘Mom’ would bring another step closer to actually being Liliah’s brother and I couldn’t do that until I sorted these eruptive feelings, or at least pushed them down.
As I made my way, I passed the elementary school’s playground. There were a few students walking with their hands together, some with parents, some with other buddies.
What caught my eye were two children, a boy and a girl, arguing over a small object that looked like some type of truck. The girl reached for it in the boy’s hand but he pulled it back and shoved her down with an angry scowl. There was a cry and soon enough, tears pooled out of the girl’s eyes. Within no time, two Mothers began pointing fingers to each other creating more of an argument.
With a deep breath, I tore my eyes from the scene and continued on my way. When I reached the school, I noticed Liliah near the front gate sitting next to Olivia and a few other girls from the cheerleading team. Olivia nudged Liliah but she refused to look up.
With a grunt of dissatisfaction, I turned around and left. She was pissing me off, really. Why was she so upset anyway? It wasn’t like I forcefully kissed her either. She accepted it and then rejected me in the end. I was the one who should be angry.
The rest of the day was boring. I went to each class and sat through lessons. Every word spoken had gone through one ear and out the next. For the first time in history, I hadn’t learned a thing. Lunch was a disaster, Olivia continued bugging me about Liliah and blaming me for harassing her or being mean when that was a lie. I refused to push this blame on myself, surely I knew I was in the wrong part but the more I blamed myself, the harder it was going to be to fix this problem. The only thing I needed now was an opportunity to talk to Liliah about us and our feelings, to set things straight. It wasn’t like our affection was some terrible sort of incest, we weren’t even blood related for heaven’s sakes. I mean, what if it could work out somehow?
~~~
My head was pounding when I returned home. Days and days of silence were taking their toll on me. My hand flew over my mouth, covering a yawn. Slugging off my back pack and tossing my sweater onto the bed, I headed for the kitchen to get my hands on some ice cream.
Dishes clanked, and I peered up. Liliah was washing a few plates, her mind concentrated solely on the round china as she scrubbed vigorously. Casually, I strode over to the fridge and opened it up. Peeking at her, she wore some sweat pants with a blue shirt. Her locks of brown hair were tied into a side ponytail, messy but tamed. But even she didn’t look at me, I was practically a ghost.
I pulled out a can of soda and popped the top, taking a long sip while keeping my eyes on her. I broke the silence after a long moment.
“Liliah, we should talk,” I said.
She didn’t answer.
“You can’t just ignore this.”
Still no response.
Agitated, I hit the faucet and turned it off, demanding her attention.
“What?” she asked calmly. “What do you want?”
“To talk.”
“About what, exactly?” she asked. Certainly, she was being oblivious on purpose.
“About us.”
“There’s nothing to say,” she replied.
I laughed. “So what? You’re going to ignore me forever? Pretend our kiss never happened and forget everything while treating me like a stranger, is that what?”
Her soapy hands gripped the counter of the sink. “Well then what am I supposed to do? I don’t even know what to think or what to feel. I’m torn, Luke, torn.” Her voice cracked and her jaw held tight in attempt to keep her composure.
“We can work it out,” I suggested.
“No we can’t,” she hissed back. “Do you even have any idea what would happen to Mom? What if things don’t work out? Life isn’t a math problem, Luke. You can’t always get a precise, correct answer.” I could see her swallow. “If we told Mom, it’d kill her. No, we would kill her and I can’t see her go through such pain. And whatever this is between us, it’s disgusting and not right.”
“Disgusting?” I questioned, shocked. “Do I really make you feel that way?”
“Yes.”
“So stupid,” I retorted. “Liliah, I know its wrong but-”
“Just stop it, Luke!” she snarled. Her eyes were watering and I hadn’t even noticed. “You came here, asking for a home and we gave it you. I did my best to be a good sister and Mom tried being a Mother for you, so what more do you want? Huh? Why are you being so selfish? Can’t you just drop this already? Do you think that it’s just that easy? You weren’t here when we went through our loss. The feelings and the pain that we went through, you don’t understand how horrible it was to see my only pillar of strength crumple. I was so scared, how were we going to survive?” She quickly wiped her cheeks. “I never want to see my Mother like that again. This, whatever the hell it is between us, has to stop now.”
Stunned beyond reason, the only reaction I could give was an owl-eyed stare. “Liliah,” I spoke her name softly, afraid if I raise another octave she would shatter like glass.
She shook her head. “Just…stay away from me…for now.” Pushing me back, she forced her way through the kitchen and grabbed her jacket. A second later, I heard the front door shut.
Letting out a controlled breath, I set the can of soda down. For that moment, I thought about what she had said. Was I really being selfish? Asking for all this to work out? Who was I, to ask that? This wasn’t my family and I was stupid if I even considered ever becoming a part of it. Blood ran thicker than water and if the decision came to it, I would be abandoned by them just like I was thrown away by my birth Mother.
Liliah had left and there was no one by my side. Never was. An eerie slice of silence cut through my head as I realized my position. I was unwanted. She didn’t want to look at me anymore. Even if I fell in love with someone else, the truth behind past events would never be buried as long Liliah and I looked at one another.
In the end, there was only one path to go. To leave, to disown them before they had the satisfaction of doing that to me. I was thrown out once and I wasn’t about to let it happen again.
My eyes scanned the kitchen, a place of many memories, both good and bad. I didn’t want to remember anything. The intention of coming here was strictly to forget my Mother. That part was accomplished, I no longer needlessly stared out these damned windows hoping that maybe one day, she would walk by and see me. No, my mind was entangled with Liliah and Dianne, this small and warm family.
This time would be easier, I told myself. To throw away everything, to take my own path was what I needed to do in order to strip myself of all this unneeded suffering. I was eighteen and I could make it by myself. It was the only decision that made sense then.
With a rush, I went upstairs and pulled out my backpack. Clothes, toothbrush, wallet, I stuffed all my things into its many pockets.
“Fuck all of this,” I growled, while forcing the zipper closed. Never did I want to trust someone or give someone a chance. Dianne asked me this, to let it go and open myself and I did. What did I get in return? I turned out to be a selfish bastard who had the power to bring a perfectly fine family into chaos.
My heart pounded. Thick, fast beats accelerated as I made my way down the stairs and into Dianne’s room. Her bed was neatly made, a few cabinets and a mini book shelf sat idly in the corner. I opened the drawer underneath her large bed. Dianne kept important papers in here, things like birth certificate copies and bank accounts. My fingers quickly found the certain papers I was looking for and I took the yellow envelop out, studying its plain, soft unwrinkled skin. If Dianne were to find out, it would be painful for her. But if I were to leave, they could go back to living their lives as they were before. It wasn’t like I was here for that long anyway, they would forget me.
Quickly, I stood up and raided the family albums. The pictures we had taken together. At the beach, with Liliah secretly making bunny ears behind my head and the one during my birthday where Dianne shoved cake into my mouth and the cream went up my nose. I looked so stupid in there. My hands trembled as I tore the plastic and plucked out each picture like ripping stitches off my heart.
Taking away these little evidences of my existence was just the first step in forgetting. Mentally and spiritually, however, I would remain a stain inside their lives. But time would heal all wounds and slowly, my existence in their lives would be just a story to tell the children. They would move on, just as I would.
Standing in front of the door with my jacket on and my back pack swung over one shoulder made me feel nostalgic. Gulping down the last desire to stay, I twisted the doorknob. I was making the right decision, I knew that much. I would burn these memories, forget and move on. I needed to be reborn and to do that, in order to finally be happy, I would have to get rid of my past and look forward to the future. Time wasn’t exactly on my side, but there was one thing I did have, intelligence. As long as I had my head, there was nothing stopping me from obtaining what I wanted. Peace.
It’s time to say goodbye.
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I'm glad you finally got another chapter up, I've been anxiously awaiting it 
