The Pacifier

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The Pacifier
By: Tiara Avila

The screams of the parents who belonged to a four-year-old girl never ended in this tiny apartment on the sixth floor. No matter what she tried to do. The little girl was only one person. She was to young to understand. She stayed by her mommy’s side while tears fell like rain drops and while her daddy screamed angrily at anything whilst her little sister, in the other room, whimpered. Even a four-year-old understands not to interrupt an argument. The only shame of it is, that the little girl doesn’t knows why this is happening to her or why her parents are fighting so much.

The thunderstorm continued to shake the apartment building for hours on end. Only a few hours earlier she had seen an almost clear night sky, sprinkle with clouds, and a full moon. Now a thunderstorm rages. The little girl opens the window of the living room in her apartment only to see the full moon’s light shinning through. She soon realizes there is no storm outside. Its all just in a tiny apartment on the sixth floor.

And so it goes again, just like any other night she can remember before. Her parents ear-piercing yells to each other in the other room run on like ads on the tv. The torment must go on for another two hours. The four-year-old puts the tea kettle on the stove and cooks spaghetti for her dinner. The girl is use to taking care of herself and her eight-month-old sister so she turns on the TV and curls up on the sofa, hands over her ears, trying to cover up the evidence of the war filling up the sixth floor that a tiny apartment lays.
[...]


The baby is crying in the other room, the tea pot is yelling out for attention, the tv static is ringing in the ears of everyone in the apartment while the argument never ended. The girl can’t take much more of this and to grant her wish, it won’t last that much longer. As anything starts, everything will come to an end in the same way.

And so, The next thing the little girl hears is a loud exploding pop noise that lashes out of the tiny apartment on the sixth floor. The most she can do is flinch and keep her eyes shut as tightly as she had them before. With that, a two-second pause and then the same noise of thunder ripped through the night sky. An eerie silence crept into place and the child, stood up, wondering why her parents stopped fighting.

[...]


The next thing anyone hears is police sirens in the distance growing louder with the frightening feeling in the little girl’s chest. She grabs her little sister, her best toys, and her sister’s favorite binky and frantically runs down the flight of stairs dropping some things on the way, including her sister’s pacifier. She was to frightened to go back and pick them up off of the stairway while running away from her hard past. After she reaches a place that she can catch her breath, blood crawls out from underneath the doorway of her parents room. All in the tiny apartment of the sixth floor.




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This is my first review in a while, so forgive me, I'm a little rusty. You really managed to capture the spirit of what is going on in your story so well that it sucked me in and depressed me, especially at the end. The only problem I can find is this tidbit:
clear night sky, sprinkle with clouds, and a full moon.
The area in bold is supposed to be sprinkled, I believe. But you held my interest and it was very well written. But it's too short! Give me more! Anyway, very fine job, and keep writing!
And the angel said unto him, “stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself.” But lo, he could not stop, for the angel was hitting him with his own hands.




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A four year old cooking spaghetti... I'm trying to imagine my brother when he was four years old; five years ago. I don't think I can image my brother cooking something so extravagant. Even I have difficult just helping my mom cook it. Are you sure this is a plausible dish? I mean it certainly shows she can take care of herself and that she has been for a while, but I don't know how she could lift those pots. If it was instant spaghetti, then I can definitely see that. Sorry to be caught up on that, I picture my stories and I just can't see a little four year old lifting a pot to cook noddles. The tea kettle is slightly more plausible if it was light.

Otherwise I really liked it. I loved the description you put into this story and I would love to hear more of it; if you ever write more.

-Katie
“I have no other view than to promote the public good, and am unambitious of honors not founded in the approbation of my Country.”
--George Washington




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Hey! Welcome to YWS! :D

I liked this, especially the way you described the little girl's feelings and the atmosphere in the apartment, and the irony of the way the arguments finally stop. You definitely succeeded in making a chilling ending. I do think there are a few things you could adjust to improve this though.

First off: Tenses. You switch between present and past tense a lot in this story. For example,

The little girl opens the window of the living room in her apartment only to see the full moon’s light shinning through.

and
An eerie silence crept into place and the child, stood up, wondering why her parents stopped fighting.

I would definitely suggest choosing a tense and then going through and editing it so that the whole story is in that one tense. If the narrative is constantly switching then it can jolt the reader out of the story and stop them getting engrossed, and it doesn't help the flow either.

The four-year-old puts the tea kettle on the stove and cooks spaghetti for her dinner.

I have to agree with the other reviewers that this is highly unrealistic. The average four year old is about as capable as a chimpanzee, and even a calm child that's been forced to grow up before their time like this one wouldn't be up to cooking a meal for themself. Also, in this story it seems like you're making a point of the girl's innocence and portraying her as acting older than her years contradicts that. I really think this story would be much more believable if you had the child do something less sophisticated, like raiding the cupboards for biscuits or something along those lines.

Aside from these nitpicks though I think this has a lot of potential. I really hope you post more of this on YWS and I hope to see you round on the site. :)

PM me if you have any questions about the review or anything, and keep writing! :D



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