The Ocean

Hi again ! Alzora, but you knew that, my third poem! Hope you like it!

Alzora



The Ocean

Our boat crashes up and down,
A pawn being beaten by a king.
The waves surge over the bow.
Everything is soaked.
I feel the wind and sea salt on my face,
This is my kingdom;
I belong here:
in the ocean.

OK, so first of all I'd love for you to let us know your inspiration for this poem.

Second of all I think this is the darkest poem of yours because of the description of a king beating a pawn into submission. It has a variety of connotations but is wrapped up in a disarming delivery of the game of chess.

I would resist repeating verbs and adjectives unless you specifically want to create a sense of repetition. For instance "crash" is used twice. I would suggest using an online or paper thesaurus to find synonyms when you're blocked.

crash
verb

1 the car crashed into a tree smash into, collide with, be in collision with, hit, strike, ram, cannon into, plow into, meet head-on, run into, impact.
2 he crashed his car smash, wreck; informal total.
3 waves crashed against the shore dash against, batter, pound, lash (against), slam (against), be hurled against.
4 thunder crashed overhead boom, crack, roll, clap, explode, bang, blast, blare, resound, reverberate, rumble, thunder, echo.
5 informal : his clothing company crashed collapse, fold, fail, go under, go bankrupt, become insolvent, cease trading, go into receivership, go into liquidation; informal go broke, go bust, go belly up.

noun

1 a crash on the highway accident, collision, road traffic accident, derailment, wreck; informal pileup, smash-up, rear-ender.
2 a loud crash bang, smash, smack, crack, bump, thud, clatter, clunk, clang; report, detonation, explosion; noise, racket, clangor, din.
3 the stock market crash collapse, failure, bankruptcy.

adjective

a crash course intensive, concentrated, rapid, short; accelerated, immersion.

Alzora wrote:Everything is soaked.

This is the only line I didn't like. It feels so short and bla after and before the rest of your awesome imagery.

A. S.

Since this is a very short poem and gives a snippet of a scene that could be incredible, I'll keep this review fairly short. A couple of things:

The waves crash over the bow.

As Inkwell said, the word 'crash' is a repeat offender in this line. Try mixing things up and giving an even stronger word (preferably something aquatic). What if the waves surged over the bow? Gushed? There is an enormous supply of verbs for this particular situation.

I feel the wind and sea salt on my face.
This is my kingdom;
I belong here:
in the ocean.

I simply fixed some grammar blips here.

So, as I said above, this is a very short review for a short poem! I think you have a lot of potential as a writer, but I'd love to see that potential put to use. What would be fantastic is if you were to expound on this poem; write more and give me more detail and more of the story. You have it in you; you just need to pull it out.

-Lumiface