Queen of the darkness

Hey guys. this poem is a little wierd hope you like it. also one last thing between the paragraphs there are dots i want you guys to imagine these as a long period of time. thank you.


The Ruining: I
You are the weaver of nightmares
The whisper in my soul
You're the black bit biting at my heart
"Leave me alone!" I tell you
but you never listen
And the moment things go wrong
you talk to me -- corrupt me;
and the moment I listen


The Realisation:II
You have ruined me
betrayed me--
after you destroyed me;
Then, you left me to pick up the peices
Nothing will ever be the same again


The Retribution: III
You promised me the universe,
But you gave me nothing;
And now...I want nothing.
I am content, empty and, alone
I'm the Queen of the Darkness
You made me this way;
this way I'll stay
Forever.

Good evening! I'm Lumi and I'll be helping you out with this poem tonight! I like this and I think it has potential; it's my job to help the potential shine through like a star among diamonds. So, without further ado, let's get started. Basically, I'll give you a stanza-by-stanza breakdown of the poem, correct any grammar blips I find and give you tips on technique, form, and other sundry worries of mine.

Corrections are in red; notes are in green. Anything struck through needs to leave, and anything that changes, I'd love for you to consider incorporating in your next edit.

The Ruining: I I tried bold-ing this to distinguish it; some younger readers may read it as part of the poem.
You are the weaver of nightmares,
the whisper in my soul.
(You're) the black bit biting at my heart <--Nice alliteration here. Sharp; hard.
"Leave me alone!" I tell you,
but you never listen.
And the moment things go wrong,
you talk to me-- corrupt me;
and the moment I listen...

Your very first line is magnificent--you are the weaver of nightmares... It hooks the reader and instantly, an image is burned into the mind. And your accusations of whoever this person is continue to be hard and bitter as the stanza progresses. However, when the narrator begins telling the person what they've done wrong, the language becomes quite a bit weaker. I challenge you to keep up the strong language as you drive your point across; I want to know why this person hates this person so much--why is he the weaver of nightmares?

I also love the use of an unresolved line at the end of the stanza. The way you incorporate time lapses into the poem makes the droning note of that accusation sustain. As you'll notice, I've corrected quite a bit of grammar/punctuation above. Don't take that as "Oh crap; Lumi killed my grammar," but try to incorporate the more mature grammar into your revisions. Eventually, you'll be a master.

The Realisation:II
You have ruined me--
left me--
after you destroyed me.
Then, you left me to pick up the pieces.
Nothing will ever be the same again.

You say 'you left me' twice in this stanza. Try changing it up and give me something a bit fresher. Using stronger words than 'left' or your general verbs is always a much more mature choice when writing poetry; the more specific and vivid the action is, the deeper the reaction will be. Again, like I mentioned above, some imagery and stronger vocabulary would do wonders to this stanza. When he left her, were the skies overcast for eons upon ages? Did she drown in the river styxx? Let me know these things! (but don't be that dramatic, hah!) Again, I corrected grammar and punctuation and bold'd the heading.

You promised me the universe,
but you gave me nothing;
and now...I want nothing.
I am content, empty, and alone.
(I'm the)Queen of the Darkness <--Odd capitalization brings the attention to that word; try it out.
You made me this way;
And this way I'll stay
forever.

There is no heading! Sorry, but I'm a great fan of consistency. Could you perhaps come up with another catchy 'r' word to head up this stanza? Something like Retribution: III would be just fine. But that's your call, not mine. I'm a great fan of this stanza because it sheds this eerie darkness on the entire poem so that, now, it's not just a three-stanza accusation. It's a damnation. Instead of receiving the revelation of anger like the reader expects, he receives this callow, empty shell of a girl, broken because of a lost affection. And it drives it home. It's not all about angst and teenage drama--no, we won't have that! It's about the death of one's soul because of another. And I love that.

--- --- ---

This poem has great potential! I'm not exactly sure what else I can say at this particular moment, but keep writing! PM me if you have any questions or comments about your poem or this review and I'll get to it ASAP! Keep me posted for anything else you post on YWS, or anywhere else for that matter (if you want another review, then just ask!).

-Lumiface

Hello, I have not much to say here since lumi had covered pretty much at the reviews part. Anyway, I enjoyed reading it but you need to writing more to improve your writings.

Good luck and keep writing,

Alicia.

I LOVE the first stanza but the others seem a little pushed. But that's just me. I think poetry looks its most beautiful when all the emotion is put into it, it really stands out.

Anyway, the more you write, the better you get.

Good luck!

lil-mizzkitty1 wrote:
The black bit biting at my heart

Did you mean bite or bit? It doesn't matter either way...but I'm just wondering

lil-mizzkitty1 wrote:Then you left me to pick up the peices

It's spelled pieces

lil-mizzkitty1 wrote:Queen of the Darkness

It seems like that this would be capitalized


Otherwise, this was a GREAT poem. I loved it too bits!

Hey, Lil! It's me again, coming back to take another look at this like you suggested a long while back. Sorry it's taken so long, but...I'm here! Basically, I have only one tiff remaining with this:

And the moment things go wrong
you talk to me -- corrupt me;
and the moment I listen.

You need to lose that period at the end of that sentence unless you tell us what happens the moment you listen. It could also very well work if you lose the period there and un-capitalize the beginning of the next line down to imply that it's one sentence...which works magnificently.

Great poem!

-Lumi

Hi everyone i just wanted to thank everyone who has reviewed this poem, you've been a real help
Kitty