Fresh Air

Fresh Air

Apparitions fly by
my upside down head,
whispering words of wisdom
and teasing temptations.

Memories, like white, floating
petals, dip in and out of the
liquid threshold.
Undisturbed, still moving.

I suffocate from voices.
Splashing the restful,
struggling to glimpse
the surface, I breathe

fresh air.

Hello, this poem is kind of short but it's okay. But continue writing to make it better. I know you can do it. All in all, I enjoyed reading it. I hope that you will write more in the future.


Good luck and keep writing,

Alicia.

O.K. I think some of this was lost in translation. Meaning I am pretty sure I only get part of this deeper meaning. Because I don't get it at the end of the poem I have a lot of questions. I am not sure how you can improve this. I would tell you to expand it, but it seems finished the way it is only three short stanzas and a single line. The first stanza though is definitely my favorite.

inkwell wrote:Memories, like white, floating
petals, dip in and out of the These two lines sound choppy. Should floating and petals be on the same line? This stanza is also the one I am confused about.

Sorry, I didn't help.

A. S.

Thanks for the feedback!

@Calligraphy: In that stanza I was comparing memories to flowers floating on water and kind of bobbing and swaying around, as if they are remembered and forgotten all over the place. I hope that clears it up. I intentionally made the poem abstract in a way that I understand could be confusing, confusing writing is my biggest flaw.

I thought this poem was a little confusing. Though I did like the way you describe feelings and thoughts. Try to expand it, I am sure you may come up with many beautiful ideas.

Mr. Inkwell, you never cease to amaze me. I'm more of a fan of this than even your crucifix slant.
The descriptions are vivid and make it perfectly personal. There's one area I want to bring up, however:

Inkwell wrote:I suffocate from voices,
splash the restful,
struggling to glimpse
the surface, breathe

fresh air.

There's a pit of vagueness that you open up between lines 2 and 3 here. However, there are two easy ways to fix this, and both involve modifying just a couple of things.

Here's Plan A:

I suffocate from voices,
splashing the restful;
struggling to glimpse
the surface, I breathe

fresh air.

And Plan B:

I suffocate from voices.
Splashing the restful,
struggling to glimpse
the surface, I breathe

fresh air.

I'm personally a fan of Plan B. The period at the end of line one gives an abrupt halt--like a gasp--to the reader, and the following grammar flows smoothly as well.

If there's something I'm missing in the last stanza, let me know...because I'm very much a fan of this poem.

Oh, and threshold is one word.

-Lumi

And Plan B:

I suffocate from voices.
Splashing the restful,
struggling to glimpse
the surface, I breathe

fresh air.

I'm personally a fan of Plan B. The period at the end of line one gives an abrupt halt--like a gasp--to the reader, and the following grammar flows smoothly as well.

If there's something I'm missing in the last stanza, let me know...because I'm very much a fan of this poem.

Oh, and threshold is one word.

-Lumi

I love plan B and I think it would clean up that stanza, so thank you and I will apply it.

In regards to "threshold" I actually wrote it like that but had a typo and my computer kept underlining it in red so i figured it was two words and I separated them. In retrospect this all makes sense now lol! Thank you for the crits and comments.

You read my crucifix poem? *follows*

inkwell wrote:Fresh Air


I suffocate from voices.
Splashing the restful,
struggling to glimpse
the surface, I breathe

fresh air.

I love this part! BUt what is this entire poem about?

It was kind of confusing. I didn't really get it at first. I'm not the best poet, but the only part where I got it was at the end when you said you breathed in fresh air. I was confused.