Silent (or Sooner or Later)

I want to clarify the title of the work in progress, before anyone says anything about it. I haven't yet made a decision between the two titles. Any feedback you give me on which of the two you prefer will be appreciated. Thanks for reading.



I am a listener. An observer. Always there, watching, paying attention and taking notes. No one ever notices the girl standing by the wall who’s so quiet, they aren’t even sure she’s really there and not some realistic-looking doll or figment of their otherwise inactive imaginations. It isn’t that I’m stupid or extraordinarily weird, I’m actually pretty normal. It’s just that I’m forgettable. Some shadow on the wall, an empty seat at the lunch table.
I used to really try to fit in with other people. Tried to make friends and interact. But no one ever listened to me. They could see, instinctively, my difference, and kept me out of their circle. They turned away, ignored what I said, acted like I wasn’t there. So I stopped trying. Silence became my new best friend. I took to carrying around vast numbers of fantasy books in which to bury my nose so that I could ignore the people who ignored me. My silence around people became a way of life. Until I met my savior.
As it turned out, keeping everything inside took a toll on me that I never would have expected. I got really paranoid, became obsessive compulsive, and developed a habit of constantly chewing on my lips. These habits never bothered me. In fact, I barely noticed them, so busy was I ruining my eyesight reading, and ruining my hearing listening to loud music. So I didn’t think anything was strange about thinking and worrying constantly, having to fix absolutely anything that was out of order or crooked, and constantly biting the skin off my lips until they were raw. It was my everyday behavior.
My school decided, a few years back, to create a new institution to torture students. Administration called it “homeroom.” Designed to create fellowship between students who usually don’t talk to each other, the only thing it accomplished was giving the preppy kids more time to think up new ways to torment the school’s less popular denizens. Which was pretty much the entire student body. I drew the short straw when it came to homeroom. Not only was my homeroom teacher a softball coach, and therefore had a soft spot for the jocks and preps, I had a majority of them in my homeroom. Lucky me.
So my savior came along, out of the blue, one day in homeroom. The New Kid. Had he been a normal guy, he would have been a pariah, propelled down to the lowest level of our school’s elaborate caste system (with me). Only his astonishing good looks saved him from that, a fate worse than death, and made him instantly popular. Their fate worse than death really wasn’t all that bad. We pariahs were left alone. The other girls (the popular ones) flocked to him, handing out phone numbers, giving him (what they thought were) winning smiles. Unnoticed in my corner, I was the only one to see him surreptitiously throw them all away. He kept a genuinely fake smile on his face as he made his way across the room to an empty desk. Right next to me. The girls had followed him across the room, and were busy trying to change his mind, fighting over territorial rights like a pack of wolves (or fan girls). I really couldn’t tell the difference. Once they finally realized, after all their begging and pleading, that he was, in fact, going to sit next to me, they gave up, muttering to themselves under their breath and glaring at my apparently “empty” desk.

Hey, welcome to the YWS!
I'm WickedWonder


Alright, so, I found there is a lot of potential in your piece. You have strong description-boost it with some imergary, and emotion from your MC.
What you described there was a very cliche high school setting. YOu're gonna have to work super hard to make it original and yours
Write On
~WickedWonder

Hi Xun, welcome to YWS!
You get a Penguin!

I'll be reviewing this for you today

No one ever notices the girl standing by the wall who’s so quiet, they aren’t even sure she’s really there and not some realistic-looking doll or figment of their otherwise inactive imaginations

It seems like you're trying to pack too much into this sentence. I know what you're trying to say, don't overdo it.
If I may, I have a suggestion:
"No one ever notices the quiet girl standing behind the wall. She's like a realistic-looking doll, a figment of their otherwise inactive imaginations."
I let the middle part out because you've already established that knowledge with your first part. I mean, we understand.

My silence around people became a way of life. Until I met my savior.

1. Until I met my savior. I would so delete this part.
It's like a nasty bump on smooth skin, I really dislike it. Plus, it takes away from the story. It's like, "Hey, my life sucked until I met my Edward Cullen."
Maybe you were trying to capture some interest but I'd like to read her troubles and see where her savior comes in rather than you having to tell us this. I want it to be a surprise, like, "oh! Things are going to look up for you."

so busy was I ruining my eyesight reading, and ruining my hearing listening to loud music

I suggest a comma after I or change it to, "I was so busy ruining my..."

Designed to create fellowship between students who usually don’t talk to each other, the only thing it accomplished was giving the preppy kids more time to think up new ways to torment the school’s less popular denizens.

Ugh, my school had this too. It was so stupid, I hated it. Plus, they made sure the freshman went home half an hour later than the other grades. Yes, it was like an extra period at the end of the day for the freshmeat.
Also, I like the way you worded it here, it's funny.

So my savior came along, out of the blue, one day in homeroom. The New Kid.

Oh no, super cliche!

and made him instantly popular. Their fate worse than death really wasn’t all that bad. We pariahs were left alone. The other girls (the popular ones) flocked to him, handing out phone numbers, giving him (what they thought were) winning smiles. Unnoticed in my corner, I was the only one to see him surreptitiously throw them all away. He kept a genuinely fake smile on his face as he made his way across the room to an empty desk. Right next to me.

Alright, this setting is very odd. First of all, why would girls just pounce on him like that? Unrealistic, girls would keep their eyes on him, make a steady approach, not attack him like rabid animals. No one really does that, unless it's an anime or a movie. I found this bit quite upsetting because the scene itself was unrealistic, as I had mentioned, and also because it totally screamed "Twilight" to me. Well, it's still to early to tell, right?

Overall, you did a nice job with wording and capturing some interest. Your imagery and descriptions flowed nicely and I really liked some of the similes you used in here. Some which made me smile.
Anyway, there are still a few things you need to work on, every piece has room for improvement, right?
Firstly, what out for cliches. I know wicked has already mentioned this but I want to stress it a bit more. What you have here is very cliche, hot guy, fairly decent and unnoticeable girl. They fall in love, and then blah blah. Some random conflict, they cry, they break up and then get back together at the end. Well, that's what I'm thinking of it so far. So, my main critique is to seriously change this up a bit. Don't say he's perfect, give us a fault, the ugly side of him, make him real. Perfect characters are boring, perfect people never get the main role. What movie have you watched where the main guy is perfect? None. They don't exist. Only in Twilight, but then again, Edward Cullen wasn't perfect. He was obsessive and crazy. Please tell me he has a fault, like chipped tooth or something. lol. It'd make me actually like him a little bit more.

Anyway, casting that aside. I think you did a pretty good job building your character in the first couple paragraphs. With your descriptions and all, I was easily able to picture her character and her flaws. Although, her character is also...cliche.
I didn't notice many grammatical or punctuation errors so that's good. In the end, you did a nice job presenting the story but mainly, watch out for your cliche setting. If you have any questions, let me know.

~Shear

Hey! Welcome to YWS!

I like this so far. You've got a main character that a lot of people can identify with and a plot that's already getting interesting.

One quibble I do have with this as an opening is that you do a lot of telling and not much showing. For example, at the beginning the narrator tells us all about herself and who she is:

I am a listener. An observer. Always there, watching, paying attention and taking notes.

And as an opening I actually like this a lot. But the thing is, it continues like this the whole way through, and I think it might be more engaging if you showed us some of these characteristics through the character's actions. For example, you could have her sitting reading a fantasy book while crowds of students walk past, ignoring her, to show her school situation.

Also, the way it's written at the moment you describe the scene in the classroom as if it's already happened and the narrator is going back over it. And that's an okay way of writing it I suppose, but it would draw readers in much more if you described her thoughts and feelings as it happened, and we felt what she was feeling along with her. Just because it's in the past tense doesn't mean it can't be in the moment. Unless you deliberately want it to sound like the MC already knows the end of the story and is telling it back, but even if so I still don't think it works that well.

Also, it's just a tiny formatting thing, but it would look less cramped and be easier to read if you put spaces between the paragraphs.

Overall though, this seems like a great set-up and I really hope you post more soon! PM me if you have any questions or anything!