A Green Baby named Who? chapter one.

Elanor, a young girl who just had her 15th birthday, is noticing some strange things in her life. Not just because her aunt is a little ab-normal, or sometimes animals follow her.

It's because she's a witch.


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"Aunt Jackie! I can't find my uniform anywhere!" I yelled from upstairs.
I heard her footsteps up the stairs. I waited for her horsey voice to respond.
"Ellie, I left it on your bed." She said, a slight annoyed tone in her voice.
I lifted up my quilt again but still, nothing. How was one to go to school without a uniform?
I looked everywhere in my dull, messy room, but I didn't see a thing.
Aunt Jackie sighed and clapped 3 times. My uniform appeared on me.
"That is the third time I've had to conjure up you a new school uniform. You need to learn to take
care of your things better." Aunt Jackie scolded.
I smiled up at her, took my bag and kissed her goodbye. School, here I come.

The gates of the entrance to my school were old and needed painting. It gave me, a sort of chilly feeling.
I met up with my friend Teneall and cursed at the sight of my socks.
I realized Aunt Jackie had made them bright yellow, pink and blue. Must of been punishment for never
taking care of my belongings. I sighed quite loudly and walked with Teneall to class.

That day was pretty lame. It went on and on like some kind of annoying, never-ending Soap Opera. I tried so hard to make the bell go early but no, didn't work.

As I walking home, I saw a girl with curly strawberry blonde hair. She was taller than me and so much prettier. She wore socks up to her knees and a black shoulder bag. I wore rainbow colourful socks and had a lip piercing. I couldn't help but keep a steady eye on her walking. I noticed she was walking on the same street home as me.

Why hadn't I noticed her before? Even though I only saw her from behind, I knew she was beautiful.

That afternoon Aunt Jackie told me someone was trying to track her down, but she didn't know who.
"What do you mean?" I asked curiously and with a laugh,
"You should know, you've been a witch longer than I!"
Aunt Jackie chuckled and said
"The Ouija board upstairs has a name left on it.
I have no idea who it is though."
I thought for a moment, then went upstairs to check it out.
But once I got up the board was torn up into pieces!
When I called for Jackie she didn't hear me, so I waited up in the attic. I knew it wasn't safe because I could feel a presence, but I just couldn't move. The board pieces flew together and were whole again. And I slowly watched as the cup that spells out words moved over the letters and spelled out the word green.
"Green?,"I asked myself. What could they possibly mean by that?
I ran down stairs and told Jackie but she said the board always does that. I was relieved.

That night I woke up constantly to strange dreams. It was about a woman, with strange hands that almost looked like long claws. She was trapped in this hospital room that was small and dull. The walls were solid glass but for some reason, there was nothing behind it. I felt sympathy for her, she was trapped with no one but these scientists pushing and poking her. She was getting shots all the time to make stay put while they drew her blood and other god-knows-what. I watched as they toyed with this false womb, filled with babies that didn't look very human. Their skin was green and some had big black eyes that starred into space. It was quite detailed and scary, but I pushed it aside for the next day.

I didn't see Teneall today, I don't know why. She just wasn't here. Class was a bore, as usual, most of the time I just had to make up stories inside my head to entertain myself. It wasn't my fault that math was boring, was it?

I saw the strawberry blonde girl today at recess. She was siting all alone. I waited for her to catch my stare but she never did. She was indeed stunning. She had rosy red cheeks with little freckles all across her nose. I wanted to talk to her but I was too afraid. So I stayed, at my little seat under the tree and ate my cream cheese sandwich.


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Hello there, MikaFreak123!

Nitpicks and Comments

MikaFreak123 wrote:I heard her foot steps up the stairs.

Footsteps is one word, not two.

MikaFreak123 wrote:"Ellie, I let it on your bed." She said, a slight annoyed tone in her voice.

Do you mean to that she left it on her bed?

MikaFreak123 wrote:I looked everywhere in my dull, messy room, but I didn't see a thing.

You forgot a few necessary commas in that sentence.

MikaFreak123 wrote:"That is the 3rd time I've had to conjure up you a new school uniform. You need to learn to take
care of your things better." Aunt Jackie scrolled.

First of all, instead of saying "the 3rd time," you need to write out the word third, so it would be "the third time." Secondly, what in the world do you mean when you say she "scrolled," because I think you meant to say "scolded."

MikaFreak123 wrote:It gave me, a sort of chill feeling.

It should be chilly, not chill.

MikaFreak123 wrote:I met up with my friend Teneall and cursed at the site of my socks.

Personally, I have always thought that complicated names are quite the issue in writing, because as readers, we have no idea how to pronounce odd names. Teneall is one of those names. I would consider slyly putting a pronunciation of her name into the story, or changing her name.

MikaFreak123 wrote: I sighed, quite loud and walked with Teneall to class.

You do not need the comma after sighed, and you should change "loud" to "loudly."

MikaFreak123 wrote:That day, was pretty lame.

Why the comma? It is unnecessary, so remove it.

MikaFreak123 wrote:It went on and on like some kind of annoying Soup Opera that never ends.

Le gasp! I didn't know they had Soup Operas now! Do you know if the loaded baked potato soup is starring tonight?
Just change Soup to Soap, dear.

MikaFreak123 wrote:She was beautiful, to be honest. Even though I only saw her from behind, I knew she was beautiful.

Yeah, yeah, we get it -- she's beautiful. I suggest cutting out that first sentence and leaving just the second one.

MikaFreak123 wrote:It was about a women, with strange things for hands and scars all over her, trapped in a hospital like thing.

It should be "woman" not "women."

MikaFreak123 wrote:So I stayed, at my little seat under the tree and ate my cream cheese sandwich.

I love this line.

Overall

So, you have a decent idea to work with. However much I might like the idea, I just do not think you are executing it properly. Just in chapter one alone, I became confused and lost. This is due to the fact that you explain a single day in one paragraph, it seems. You cannot possibly fit a whole day into a paragraph and make the story interesting. I don't want to hear how school was 'a bore, as usual,' I want you to add description (imagery), and take the time and flesh out your characters and ideas.

You also added all these new ideas without explaining them. For example, the Ouija blackboard and her aunt. Does she know her aunt is a witch? Does she know she is going to be a witch? If not, what is her explanation about how her aunt conjures up things? These are important details that you need to add to the story.

In addition to that, your lack of description is a pity, really. I think one of the only true descriptions I read in this was about Elanor's socks, and the pretty redhead girl. Why not explain the weather, the school, the teachers, her friends? This is pretty dull at the moment. Add some color, dear!

Your chapter one is so fast-paced, and I do not like it. It leaves no room for description or getting to know the characters. Short chapters aren't a problem, but you do need to add a bit more detail and such. I hope this review helps, and you can PM me with any comments/suggestions/questions.

Cheers & have a good day,
Mizzle

"Ellie, I let it on your bed." She said, a slight annoyed tone in her voice.

"Ellie, I laid it on your bed." She said in a slightly annoyed tone.

I looked everywhere in my dull messy room but I didn't see a thing.

I looked everywhere in my dull, messy room, but I didn't see a thing.

Aunt Jackie sighed and clapped 3 times.

Aunt Jackie sighed and clapped three times.

That is the 3rd time I've had to conjure up you a new school uniform

That is the third time I've had to conjure you up a new school uniform.

I smiled up at her, took my bag and kissed her goodbye. School, here I come.

When you say 'school, here I come' it should be a new paragraph.

It gave me, a sort of chill feeling

It gave me a chill. (After this sentence should be a new paragraph.)

I met up with my friend Teneall and cursed at the site of my socks.

I met up with my friend Teneall and cursed at the sight of my socks.

Must of been punishment for never taking care of my belongings

Must have been punishment for never taking care of my belongings.

I sighed, quite loud and walked with Teneall to class.

I sighed quite loudly and walked to class with Teneall.

That day, was pretty lame.

That day was pretty lame.

It went on and on like some kind of annoying Soup Opera that never ends.

It went on and on like some kind of annoying, never ending soap opera.

I tried so hard to make the bell go early but no, didn't work.

I tried hard to make the bell go early, but it didn't work. (New paragraph after this sentence.)

As I walking home, I saw a girl with curly strawberry blonde hair.

As I was walking home I saw a girl with curly, strawberry blond hair.

She wore socks up to her knees and a black side bag.

She wore socks up to her knees and had a black shoulder bag.

I wore rainbow colourful socks and a lip piercing.

I wore colorful rainbow socks and had a lip piercing.

I noticed she was walking very much the same way home as me.

I noticed she walked home on the same street as me.

Why hadn't I noticed her before?

(This should be another paragraph.)

I did not understand.

I didn't understand. (You don't really need this sentence.)

She was beautiful, to be honest.

(You already sort or pointed this out with the "She was taller than me and so much prettier" sentence.)

Even though I only saw her from behind, I knew she was beautiful.

(This is a great sentence.)

That afternoon Aunt Jackie told me someone was trying to track her down but she didn't know who.

That afternoon Aunt Jackie told me someone was trying to track her down, but she didn't know who.

"What do you mean?" I asked, curiously.

"What do you mean?" I asked curiously. (Or) "What do you mean?" I asked, curious.

"The Ouija board up stairs has a name left on it. I have no idea who it is though." Aunt Jackie replied.

"The Ouija board upstairs has a name left on it. I have no idea who it is though." Aunt Jackie replied.

I knew it wasn't safe because I could feel a presence but I just couldn't move.

I knew it wasn't safe because I could feel a presence,but I couldn't move.

The board pieces flew together and were whole again, then the cup moved slowly over the letters spelling out Green.

(What's the cup?)

It was about a women, with strange things for hands and scars all over her, trapped in a hospital like thing.

It was about a woman, with strange things for hands and scars all over her, trapped in a hospital-like thing.

It was quite detailed and scary. But I pushed it aside for the next day.

It was quite detailed and scary, but I pushed it aside for the next day.

Class was a bore, as usual. Most of the time I just had to make up stories inside my head to entertain myself

Class was a bore, as usual, most of the time I created stories inside my head to entertain myself.

It wasn't my fault that maths was boring, was it?

It wasn't my fault that math was boring, was it?

A bit worrying, but I didn't really honestly care.

(What are you trying to say in this sentence? I think you should re-write it..)

I waited for her to come out and she did, just about 10 minutes before the bell.

I waited for her to come out and she did, 10 minutes before the bell.

She was indeed beautiful

(You've already said that she was beautiful. Why don't you look up another word that means the same thing in a thesaurus?)

This is an interesting story. You definitely need more background information, but I can't wait to find out where the strawberry haired girl comes in! Try to get more: background info, emotion, and details(but only in some paragraphs.).

Alzora

Hey there, Mika!

This is certainly interesting! A good start to something that can be really great! There are just a few things, simple things really, that can help you get there.

Prose
This story is lacking a lot of the important stuff that goes into prose. For a really effective story, the reader should be able to fully understand what's happening, what things look like, how things feel for the main character. A lot of this is in description, which isn't as good as it could be in this story. But never fear! This is something that a lot of writers struggle with, including myself.

One good way to get in description without sounding overly tell-y about it is to use the five senses (sight, sound, taste, touch, smell). Use these to tell the most important aspects of how people/places look so the reader can get a good image in their head as they read!

That night I woke up constantly to strange dreams. It was about a women, with strange things for hands and scars all over her, trapped in a hospital like thing. She was getting shots all the time and they were making babies in this false womb thing. It was quite detailed and scary. But I pushed it aside for the next day.

Here's a prime example for where this can be put in place.
The word things is used so many times! When you leave parts so vague like this, a reader can make things whatever they want things to be. They could be imagining bananas when you want them to imagine a hospital bed!
Also, this sounds like a really interesting and important part of the plot. Take the time to describe it and go into detail! What exactly do the hands look like? Tentacles? Claws?
What is she trapped in exactly? What does it look like? Does she have a lot of room or is it a small space?
What is this false womb? Why/how are they making babies in it?
Etcetera, etcetera.

Dialogue
I just wanted to make a short comment on dialogue. There are specific rules to punctuating dialogue, which aren't being followed here. Again, this is a very common mistake (and I made it myself!). Here is a great article from the Knowledge Base here on YWS about punctuating dialogue that you should definitely check out! Punctuating Dialogue by Demeter

Hope I could be helpful! Good luck! Keep writing!

-Lauren-

Thanks guys. I appreciate the input. I shall edit it now and see if it looks more understanding. Thank-you again

i also.

it is good.

Overall the story was unique.
I liked the idea of the rainbow socks for punishment- a big grin spread over my face.
The only thing i thought that could change was the obvious grammar, but also try and slow down the story. To me it seems like you are rushing through some of the main ideas. Take your time to explain objects or describe characters and settings. I found myself slightly confused on the setting in the end. But that is nothing that cant be fixed easily.

Hope i helped.
Truthfully, i loved it. It has potential. Keep writing.
Love Georgie xxXXxx

I think the story, on the whole, is interesting. However, there is still room for improvement. The idea that her auntie knows she is a witch is not quite the option I would have chosen - I'd have written it so that Ellie is fighting to keep it a secret, but hey, it's your story, you can do what you want with it.

A fair few grammar and spelling problems, but I trust you already know those as several posts have brought them to your attention. Try to read your story through several times before posting it, though I do know it can be quite difficult to spot when you yourself have written it - you see it how you know it should be.

You should try and slow the story down, include description, emotion, thoughts of Ellie. The joy of writing in first person means that you can get right inside the mind of your character - but you're wasting it! We want to know more about Ellie's background, the reasons she is living with her auntie, why she only has one friend - they should be revealed as the story continues?

Still, a good job, keep going.

XD I love it continue the story! I just have to point out some stuff tho :3

"As I walking home, I saw a girl with curly strawberry blonde hair.

You forgot the <was> between As and I

"She was getting shots all the time to make stay put while they drew her blood and other god-knows-what

Here you forgot the <her> between make and stay

"It wasn't my fault that math was boring, was it?

Hmm maybe put something more in the phrase?It sounds weird (but maybe it's just me^^)

"I didn't see teneall today, I dont know why.

Ok this phrase came to fast, you need something between the dream scene and this one because you say this phrase in the present maybe try something like:

"The next evening, I hadn't seen Teneall in school at all, its like she had went missing or had disapeared on me! "

or something like that and with a new phrase you would have to change the time of the verbs tho, so be careful.
Thats all I have to say, I enjoyed it, it's interesting and now I'm off to chapter 2 lol