Hair Salon

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Carla Hitchens

Carla listened contentedly to the snick of scissors,

As pieces of blond hair fell to the salon floor like dead fish.

Her new patent-leather shoes hurt. And her skirt was too small.

But the plastic bubble-lights reminded Carla of Hollywood.

She wanted to feel Michael Kirk kiss her on Friday.

She closed her eyes, and her imagination rustled like a magazine.



Oh, the story and names, ecc. are completely made up.

I love how short and simple this is - I think it works really well. Nothing more needs to be said; it's very stream-of-consciousness.

Her new patent-leather shoes hurt. And her skirt was too small.

You should either combine this into one sentence or get rid of the "and" and add more to the second sentence. It feels awkward the way it is now, and not in a way that adds to the discomfort of the line.

She closed her eyes, and her imagination rustled like a magazine.

This is my favorite part. I love that last image

There's something about this poem that I really like. I'd love to read more from you - good job!

-Liz

Hi Kyladoot! Welcome to YWS! The first thing I have to ask you about this poem is: what was your purpose? Usually, when I'm writing poetry or a short story, I start with an idea or a purpose or even a lesson that the reader could get out of it. So, how do you want me to feel when I read this? Unfortunately, I have written too long to be able to read like a reader very well, if that makes any sense. Most of the time, I am thinking about what the author must have been thinking when he wrote it, how he went about developing the characters and plot, and how he came up with the names of the people and places. So, understandably, I don't know what to feel when I read this. It could be a lack of emotion on your part or a lack of reading skills on mine. I think you just need to go through and decide how tou want the reader to feel first, and then go and try to convey that emotion. I hope this helps, and I look forward to reading more of your work.

- Abigail

Hello there, Kyladoot!

Kyladoot wrote:Carla listened contentedly to the snick of scissors, I like how you substituted snick for snick; it adds a bit of originality.

As pieces of blond hair fell to the salon floor like dead fish. On the contrary, dead fish usually float up to the top of the lake and/or ocean.

Her new patent-leather shoes hurt. And her skirt was too small. Okay? This does not really add to the poem.

But the plastic bubble-lights reminded Carla of Hollywood. Remove the word "but," and just say 'The plastic...etc."

She wanted to feel Michael Kirk kiss her on Friday. This is sort of just thrown in there, and it feels out of place.

She closed her eyes, and her imagination rustled like a magazine. This was nice, and a bit of an unexpected ending.

Overall

First of all, I need to ask you what you wanted us, as readers, to feel and learn from this poem. What was your purpose in writing this? At the moment all I see is a description of a girl who wants to get kissed and who wears short skirts put into poetic form.

I also think that you need to stick with a certain idea and convey that idea as best as you can; for example, this poem jumps around a bit. At first we have her getting a haircut, but then you do not mention it for the rest of the poem. Either use this element that you added to its fullest or don't use it at all. Also, all the extra bits about her short skirt and patent-leather shoes and how she wants to be kissed on Friday did not make me pity her at all, or relate to her for that matter. You need to add more feeling, I think, for this poem to truly make an impact on a reader.

As another note, what was the lesson you wanted us to learn from your poem? Or was there not one, and this is just a telling of a girl named Carla who wants to be kissed? If that is so, then focus on that -- take time to think about what you really want to convey to your reader.

I hope this review helps, and if you have any comments/questions/suggestions, feel free to PM me.

Cheers & have a good day,
Mizzle

Personally, I really liked this. The metaphor of "dead fish" kind of bothered me, because it didn't connect very well, but otherwise, I loved it.
I don't think there needs to be a purpose behind everything we write. Sometimes, we write because we have a scene in mind that we just need to get out. We have words and descriptions floating around, that build up and feel like they're bursting. And we write.
We don't need to read into everything super far. Sometimes it's nice to just read and picture something.
Nice job overall. Very simply written, but concise and set a nice tone.

Well done. c:

-Coral-

Hey there, there's not much for left for me to review. The reviews part is pretty much covered. Overall, I enjoyed reading it but the metaphor of "dead fish" kind of bothered me. Anyway, keep writing because practice makes prefect.


Good luck and Keep writing,

Alicia.