The Magician's War-Chapter 1 (Edit3ed)

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Okay! so i've taken in all of your suggestions. I've edited the first chapter and ended up changing the names a bit and i'm happier now. I believe the names fit the characters more. I've added a bit of description and I"ve sharpened the dialogue also I"m putting up the second chapter next. It's finished so tell me what ya think. ;)


Chapter One

Gideon Walker crouched before his son and with tender hands brushed the long dark hair out of his eyes. In normal circumstances he was a man who despite his age looked young and lively; but now, the crow’s feet he’d developed from years of smiling had deepened from worry, and his warm welcoming smile had turned into a thin lipped grimace, and his dirty blonde hair, once spotless, had developed notable streaks of white.

“Allen,” he said “in the back of this closet there’s a secret door built for emergencies. As soon as I close this door, I want you and your brother to escape. Follow the passage and it’ll lead you to a street a couple of blocks from here; your suitcases are hidden by the exit. Go to the train station and take these Ids. You’re going to live with some relatives. Wait there a couple of years, and they can’t charge you with anything.” While gripping the hand of his little brother Sean tightly, Allen smiled bravely and nodded, in spite of the circumstances. Their father smiled and swooped both boys up in to a tight bear hug. Sean burst into tears and Gideon calmed him with another smile.

“Don’t worry son, be brave. You’ll always have your brother,” he said and held him close. Allen looked into his father’s eyes and saw that they had welled up and he was crying.

“And Allen you’re the man now, I need you to take care of your brother. It’s a tough world out there and as long as you have each other you’ll be okay.” Allen wanted to say sure, but it felt weird because he knew that if he did he’d want to take it back immediately.

Gideon gave his sons another hug and said one last thing before he shut the door “I love you boys; don’t ever forget that.” Right then Allen wanted to let it all out by saying: no we won’t be okay because a world with just us is a world without you, but instead all he could do was stare and by then he was too late; the door closed, and they were in darkness, and all that remained was the fading footsteps of their father, and the rim of light drawing a box around the door frame. Sean tugged Allen’s shirt towards the back of the closet where the secret door was but Allen resisted.

“Come on,” Sean said “dad said to go.”

“No, don’t you want to see what’s happening to dad?”

Sean paused, then nodded and let go of his brother’s sleeve. The closet was upstairs and they could hear everything going on below. They heard a loud bang and a terrible wrenching noise like someone had ripped open their front door. Raised voices, crashes, and footsteps echoed across the threshold. Allen opened the door a crack and saw several soldiers surround his father holding machine guns. The men with guns spread apart to make a path for their leader; a handsome man dressed impeccably in his military uniform. He had short raven hair and a demeanor so serious and formal that it made Arthur want to stand at attention; yet, his father didn’t budge or look scared, as a matter of fact his posture was relaxed and he even carried a confident smile as he stood casually with his hands in his pockets.

“Hello Krieger, looks like they made you Merlin after all, which is sad I’d hoped those idiots disguised as Generals would make a choice without having their own asses in mind for once.”

“You are to refer to him as Merlin Krieger now, in case you’ve forgotten your manners since General Walker.” Allen’s father looked to the right because the reply hadn’t come from Krieger it had actually came from the women next to him. She was pretty and had blonde hair and looked like someone who spent a lot of time at a desk.

“Hello, Lydia,” Allen’s dad said “Not surprised to see you here; although, Krieger you would look a bit strange without your shadow.” The woman named Lydia blushed but she did not reply; however, Krieger chuckled.

“Gideon, Clever Gideon,” he said “ not so clever now. You tried to keep me from attaining what’s rightfully mine and look you’ve failed.”

“Last I checked this country did not belong to you; it belongs to the people.”

“I am this country! As the new Merlin, I shall take Britta to a threshold that it’s never been. This land will flourish with me as its vine and it’s a shame you won’t be here to see it.”

“Nah, I’m busy that day,” Allen’s father replied. “Sorry.”

Krieger smirked, “Then it is my first decree as Merlin that you, Gideon Walker be sent to prison never to see the light of day again.”

“True if you were Merlin, you could do that, but I don’t recognize any Merlin’s here.”

Anger flashed on Krieger’s face but it was ripple across the surface. Calm again Krieger snapped his fingers and a small fountain of water sprang up from the ground, but the water droplets didn’t fall to the floor like they should; instead, they gather in the air above where his hand was forming three small balls that cycled about in a circle. After his display Krieger waved his hand and the three balls merged into a triton of ice that came all the way up to his shoulders, which he held like a staff.

“This is your last chance. If you do not recognize me as Merlin and bow down you will be executed on the spot. You and your family.” Then as if rehearsed, all of the soldiers raised their guns.

“I’ll kill you before you lay one hand on my family.”

Gideon clapped his hands and the earth beneath them turned to mush, in which all the surrounding soldiers sunk waist deep into the ground. Krieger responded quickly with a swing of his trident and a torrent of water shut up from the earth which drowned the trapped soldiers and would’ve done the same to Allen’s father had he not summoned a pillar of earth to elevate him above the flood. Lydia; however, was saved because she stood safely behind Krieger as he rode a wave that lifted him up to Gideon’s level, which put the two of them out of Allen’s view. The wave of water rose up to the top floor forcing Allen to shut the door; in spite of, a trickle of water which still managed to slip through.

“Okay, are you happy? Let’s go,” Sean said as he tugged on his brother once more.

Allen wanted to step out and see more of his father’s epic battle with Merlin Krieger but listened to Sean; it was time to go. Allen took his brother’s hand and led him through the trap door and into the tunnel beyond. The water had gotten worse by then and was waist deep by the time they reached the sewer. Allen took one final look back in the direction of his father before opening the port hole and letting in the grim light of the day…

The Grand Central train pulled into the station its engine pumping huge clouds of steam onto the platform. The Steward coughed as he took the tickets from the two grim looking boys in front of him. He checked their Ids and read their names, Erick Woodman age 11 and Sean Woodman age 9. He asked “You boys going to,” he checked their tickets again “Mill town?”

“Yes sir,” replied the older boy Erick. “We have family down there.” The steward nodded and permitted them entrance on to the train. Allen accepted their fake ideas when the steward handed them back as they we3re led into one of the compartments. The steward was nice enough to load their suitcases into the item storage for them. Before he left the steward informed them that if they needed anything all they had to do was ring the bell and someone would be there to help them. Allen thanked the man before he left.

When the compartment door shut, Allen and Sean both let out relieved sighs and Sean said “The way dad spoke, why did it sound like we’d never see him again?” For a moment, Allen didn’t say anything as the compartment shook and the train came to life pumping out more steam onto the platform outside. Arthur watched as the city scenery faded to green and the train left their father, and then their home behind.

“We don’t know if dad’s dead yet,” Allen said without looking back. “But if he is, our lives have to be for the sake of killing the man who broke our family.”
Sean’s face paled, but he didn’t say anything. Allen’s eyes were red and puffy and he felt as if he had no more tears left to cry. He kept hearing the last words that his father ringing over and over in head “I love you boys…”
End
Last edited by Ray112 on Sun Oct 10, 2010 9:48 pm, edited 4 times in total.
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Allen spoke first, “Sergeant Corbet you’re a General now, congratulations. How much butt kissing did you have to do to get there?” General Corbet’s face remained passive and Allen continued smiling.


Alright so... I'm not entirely sure here but I don't really think a grown man would use "butt" in a situation like this. It just feels out of place, like you're afraid to use the more... how should I put it? Adult way of saying gluteus maximus. Just say "ass" I think it fits better because it seems to me like this story is going to get a little dark anyways.

I think you should change the ending to the chapter. I don't think the kids would automatically assume their father is dead. I don't know maybe it's just me. But I'd like to have that ray of hope that my dad would survive. Maybe you can have it that they don't really know about their father's demise until a few chapters in after character development and stuff that I assume you're going to do.

Overall though, earth bending and water bending. Nice. If that's what you call it anyways.

Very interesting story though. Keep it up!
Any man can handle adversity, to test a man's character give him power - Abraham Lincoln

To be the greatest is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark. - ?




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hey i'm looking for someone who can really rip through this and junk. Tell me what's wrong with it and where I need to fix it not just conceptually but grammatical wise too. So if anyone out there is willing too please contact me! :)
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Ray112 wrote:Allen Gideon crouched before his son and with tender hands brushed the long dark hair out of his eyes. In normal circumstances he was a man who, despite his age, looked young and lively; but now, the crow’s feet he’d developed from years of smiling deepened from worry, and his warm welcoming smile had turned into a thin lipped grimace, and his dirty blonde hair, once spotless, had developed notable streaks of white. This sentence is a too long, I would advise shortening it.

“Arthur,” he said,In the back of this closet there’s a secret door built for emergencies. As soon as I close this door, I want you and your brother to escape. Follow the passage and it’ll lead you to a street a couple of blocks from here; your suitcases are hidden by the exit. Go to the train station and take these IDs. You’re going to live with some relatives. Wait there a couple of years, and they can’t can't sounds awkward here, I'd use "won't" instead charge you with anything.”

While You don't need "while here", starting the sentence with "gripping" works fine gripping the hand of his little brother Michael tightly, Arthur smiled bravely and nodded, in spite of the circumstances. what circumstances? I know you'll tell us about them later, but show and not tell: make soldiers be knocking at the door or something like that Allen smiled and swooped both boys up in to a tight bear hug. Michael burst into tears and Allen calmed him with another smile.

“Don’t worry Michael, you’ve got a bright mind and a bright future ahead of you,” he said and wiped a tear from the young boy’s eyes. “And Arthur, you’re the man now, I need you to take care of your brother. It’s a tough world out there, and in order to survive you’ll need each other.” Arthur tried to keep a brave face, but even he was having trouble keeping the tears at bay.

Allen gave his sons one last hug before he shut the door. The darkness drove into them, and all that remained was the fading footsteps of their father, and the rim of light drawing a box around the door frame.I like this sentence a lot, good job! Michael tugged Arthur’s shirt towards the back of the closet where the secret door was, but Arthur resisted. The closet was upstairs and they could hear everything going on below. There was a loud bang and a terrible wrenching noise as someone ripped open their front door. see, this is what you should have put instead of the "circumstances" before Raised voices, crashes, and footsteps echoed from behind the door. Arthur opened the door a crack and saw several soldiers surround his father holding machine guns. Allen Gideon didn’t budge or look scared; his expression was passive and even carried a confident smile as he stood casually with his hands in his pocket. The men with guns spread apart to make a path for a handsome man dressed impeccably in his military uniform with five gold stars on his chest that labelled his status as a General. The General resembled every opposite of Arthur’s father with his raven raven hair is a bit of a cliché, I would use something else hair cut short and his serious demeanor. Though the man had a critical advantage what's a critical advantage? on Allen, he did not smile.

Allen spoke first.
“Sergeant Corbet, you’re a General now, congratulations. How much butt I would agree to just use ass :P kissing did you have to do to get there?” General Corbet’s face remained passive wasn't Gideon's face passive just a paragraph ago? and Allen continued smiling.

“Everything’s a joke with you, Gideon,” said Corbet. “That’s why I’m standing here and you’re standing there.”

“I’m standing here because I have a spine,” Allen replied. For a second the General’s face flash with rage but it was only a ripple in a calm sea interesting simile. The General’s demeanor demonstrated the quiet calm you just used the word calm a sentence before this one, I'd change it before a storm, and that alone said a lot about how dangerous he was don't tell the reader that the gentleman is dangerous, make him dangerous through descriptions. Allen clapped his hands and the earth beneath them turned to mush, in which all the surrounding soldiers sunk waist deep into the ground. Corbet responded quickly with a snap of his fingers and a torrent of water shot up from the earth, drowning the trapped soldiers and would’ve done the same to Allen had he not summoned a pillar of earth to elevate him above the flood. Corbet rode a wave that lifted him up to Allen’s level, which put the two of them out of Arthur’s view. The wave caused by the General rose up to the top floor forcing Arthur to shut the door; yet, a trickle of water still managed to slip beneath the threshold what threshold? I'd use a different word here.

Arthur wanted to step out and see more of his father’s epic these kids know something is wrong and probably know that this won't end well for their father, I wouldn't use the word "epic" if you're trying to be serious battle with General Corbet, but Michael was still persistently tugging at his shirt. Arthur took his brother’s hand and led him through the trap door and out into the tunnel beyond. The water had gotten worse by then and was waist deep by the time they left the tunnel, which led out into the sewer. Arthur took one final look back in the direction of his father telling again, have them look at "the door" instead - there's only one door that you mentioned and we already know that their father is behind it before opening the sewer port hole and letting in the grim why is the light grim? is it overcast? light of the day…

The Grand Central train pulled into the station, its engine pumping huge clouds of steam onto the platform. The Steward coughed as he took the tickets from the two grim grim again? looking boys in front of him; the older boy held his brother’s hand tightly. He checked their IDs which read "Erick Woodman, age 11, and Sean Woodman, age 9".

"You boys going to..." he checked the tickets. "...Mill Town?"

“Yes sir,” replied the older boy, Erick. “We have family down there.”

The steward nodded and permitted them entrance redundant, I'd either say "permitted them" by itself or "granted them entrance" on to the train. Arthur accepted their fake IDs when the steward handed them back to him and he he as in Erick or the steward? led Michael into one of the compartments. The steward was nice enough to load their suitcases into the item storage for them. Before he left the steward informed them that if they needed anything all they had to do was ring the bell and someone would be there to help them. Arthur thanked the man, who then returned to his job.

When the compartment door shut, it was just Arthur, Michael and the huge elephant in the room. Arthur was staring out the window when Michael spoke.

“The way dad spoke,” Michael picked his words carefully, “it sounded as if we’d never see him again.”

Arthur nodded. The compartment shook as the train came to life and more steam poured onto the platform outside. Arthur watched as the city scenery faded to green beyond the window as the train left the father behind amazing writing in this paragraph up till this point, and left their home behind this is a little redundant. Michael started to cry and, seconds later Arthur was crying too as he hugged his brother. I'd put more effort into this scene

“If we’re going to make our father’s death mean anything,” Arthur said through choked sobs,Our lives have to be for the sake of killing the man who broke our family."This 11-year-old kid is awfully vengeful for someone his age

Michael gasped, “But we’re not strong enough.” Then he looked into his brother’s eyes and saw a passion so fiery that it burned bright red in his eyes. hmmm... see the point above “Then we’ll get stronger, Michael.”



Good start. The world seems interesting enough for me to read any subsequent chapters, though the kids swearing vengeance was a little unbelievable. I won't deny that it can happen - I think the way you wrote the dialogue made it less credible than it could have been.

On the plus side, the story kept me engaged. You have a rare ability to balance description and dialogue - most writers either concentrate too heavy on describing the scenery (making the piece boring) or fill everything with dialogue (making the piece difficult to read and boring). You found a rather good balance between the two, fitting well with your style and voice. You also have some very good bits of similes and metaphors which I highlighted in green.

Best of luck. I will read any of the follow-up chapters you produce and, if you liked this critique, I'll work through them as well. I expect more soon! :)
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Hello, Ray! As part of the deal, I'm here! LOL though I'm still a bit feeling sick from reading a poem (I think you know what I mean) Anyway, on with the review! My comments in pinkinsh fonts.

Ray112 wrote:Chapter One

Gideon Walker crouched before his son and with tender hands(I suggest you replace "with tender hands" to "tenderly".) brushed the long, dark hair out of his (Be careful with pronouns! It is always important to point out clearly what your antecedent is. For example, you used "his" here, whose" Gideon's or his son's? Better repeat "son" than use an ambiguous pronoun. OR you could just say "from the lad's eyes" (NOTE, it would have been implied he's a man, or nearly a man 'cause he's a son and using lad will not confuse readers.)eyes. In normal circumstances he was a man, who despite his age, looked young and lively; but now, the crow’s feet he’d developed from years of smiling had deepened from worry, anddelete "and" his warm welcoming smile had turned into a thin lipped grimace, and his dirty blonde hair, once spotless, had developed notable streaks of white.

The first paragraph has minor punctuation mistakes. I'm suggesting you study the right usage of clauses. Adjectives lined up in always have commas in between.

Remember this: your first paragraph should be flawless, so take time writing it. Why? Readers will be turned-off reading an awful paragraph; it shows what your abilities as a writer are.


“Allen,” he said, (comma! Don't forget the comma!) “in the back of this closet there’s a secret door built for emergencies. As soon as I close this door, I want you and your brother to escape. Follow the passage and it’ll lead you to a street a couple of blocks from here; your suitcases are hidden by the exit. Go to the train station and take these IdsID?. You’re going to live with some relatives. Wait there a couple of years, and they can’t charge you with anything.” While gripping the hand of his little brother, Sean, tightlyI suggest that you put "tightly" before "gripping", Allen smiled bravely and nodded, in spite of the circumstances. Their father smiled and swooped both boys up in to a tight bear hug. Sean burst into tears, (compound sentences are separated by a comma) and Gideon calmed him with another smile.

Aww--that is soooo sweet. :| *tear*

“Don’t worry son, be brave. Alter this to: "Don't worry, Son. Be brave." Ok, why did I capitalize "son"? Well, it's ok. It's a rule. If you're directly referring to someone as your father, mother, or son, you capitalize it.You’ll always have your brother,” he said and held him pronoun confusion!!!close. Allen looked into his father’s eyes and saw that they had welled up and he pronoun too far from antecedent!was crying.

“And Allen *pause*you’re the man now, I need you to take care of your brother. It’s a tough world out there and as long as you have each other you’ll be okay.”

New paragraph.

Allen wanted to say sure, but it felt weird because he knew that if he did he’d want to take it back immediately.

Gideon gave his sons another hug and said one last thing before he shut the door, “I love you boys; don’t ever forget that.”
*enter*
Right then Allen wanted to let it all out by saying: no we won’t be okay because a world with just us is a world without you, but instead all he could do was starePERIOD. and by then he was too late; the door closed, and they were in darkness, and all that remained was the fading footsteps of their father, and the rim of light drawing a box around the door frame. I am so sorry, but all the "and"s seriously made me LOL It's grammatically right. Study sentence variety, ok? I know you can do better! I just know! :)Sean tugged Allen’s shirt towards the back of the closet where the secret door was, but Allen resisted.

“Come on,” Sean said “dad said to go.”

“No, don’t you want to see what’s happening to dad?”

Sean paused, then nodded and let go of his brother’s sleeve. The closet was upstairs and they could hear everything going on below. They heard a loud bang and a terrible wrenching noise like someone had ripped open their front door. Raised voices, crashes, and footsteps echoed across the threshold. Allen opened the door a crack and saw several soldiers surround his father holding machine gunsTheir father was holding machine guns? *smile* It will be better if you right it this way: "Allen opened the door a crack and saw several soldiers with their machine guns surround his father." There's a variety of ways to retell that particular sentence. Have it your way, just don't confuse the readers.. The men with guns Armored? Or refer to them as strangers? As i said, have it your way, but also avoid repetitions.spread apart to make a path for their leader; this should be an em-dash, not a semicolon.a handsome man dressed impeccably in his military uniform. He had short raven hair and a demeanor so serious and formal that it made Arthur want to stand at attention; yet, his father didn’t budge or look scared,PERIOD. as a matter of fact his posture was relaxed and he even carried a confident smile as he stood casually with his hands in his pockets.

“Hello Krieger, looks like they made you Merlin after all, which is sad I’d hoped those idiots disguised as Generals would make a choice without having their own asses in mind for once.”

I hate soldiers' choices of words. :P i just hate listening to them HAHA!

“You are to refer to him as Merlin Krieger now, in case you’ve forgotten your manners since General Walker.” Allen’s father You can now refer to him as Gideon. :)looked to the right because the reply hadn’t come from Krieger, it had actually came from the women next to him. She was pretty and had blonde hair and looked like someone who spent a lot of time at a desk. Get rid of the excess and's!!! Think of another way to say those sentences, please. :|

“Hello, Lydia,” Allen’s dad said “Not surprised to see you here; although, Krieger, you would look a bit strange without your shadow.” The woman named Lydia blushed, but she did not reply; however, Krieger chuckled.

“Gideon, Clever Gideon,” he said “ not so clever now. You tried to keep me from attaining what’s rightfully mine and look you’ve failed.”

“Lasttime? I checked this country did not belong to you; it belongs to the people.” okay, I'm confused with this sentence.

“I am this country! As the new Merlin, I shall take Britta to a threshold that it’s never been. This land will flourish with me as its vine and it’s a shame you won’t be here to see it.”

“Nah, I’m busy that day,” Allen’s father GIDEON! :D/replied. “Sorry.”

Krieger smirked, “Then it is my first decree as Merlin that you, Gideon Walker, be sent to prison never to see the light of day again.”

Nooo! Poor Allen and Sean. *sniff*

“True, if you were Merlin, you could do that, but I don’t recognize any Merlin’s here.”

Anger flashed on Krieger’s face, but it was ripple across the surface. Calm again, Krieger snapped his fingers and a small fountain of water sprang up from the ground, but the water droplets didn’t fall to the floor like they should; instead, they gather in the air above where his hand was forming three small balls that cycled about in a circle. After his display, Krieger waved his hand and the three balls merged into a triton of ice that came all the way up to his shoulders, which he held like a staff. restate that clause. It was confusing.

“This is your last chance. If you do not recognize me as Merlin and bow down, you will be executed on the spot. You and your family.” Then as if rehearsed, all of the soldiers raised their guns.

“I’ll kill you before you lay one hand on my family.”

Gideon clapped his hands and the earth beneath them turned to mush, in which all the surrounding soldiers sunk waist deep into the ground. Krieger responded quickly with a swing of his trident and a torrent of water shut up from the earth which drowned the trapped soldiers and would’ve done the same to Allen’s father had he not summoned a pillar of earth to elevate him above the flood. Lydia; Don't use a semicolon in a comma's place. Punctuations are not designs.however, was saved because she stood safely behind Krieger as he rode a wave that lifted him up to Gideon’s level, which put the two of them out of Allen’s view. The wave of water rose up to the top floor forcing Allen to shut the door; in spite of, a trickle of water which still managed to slip through.

“Okay, are you happy? Let’s go,” Sean said as he tugged on his brother once more.

Allen wanted to step out and see more of his father’s epic battle with Merlin Krieger but listened to Sean; it was time to go. Allen took his brother’s hand and led him through the trap door and into the tunnel beyond. The water had gotten worse by then and was waist deep by the time they reached the sewer. Allen took one final look back in the direction of his father before opening the port hole and letting in the grim light of the day…

The Grand Central train pulled into the station its engine pumping huge clouds of steam onto the platform. The Steward coughed as he took the tickets from the two grim looking boys in front of him. He checked their Ids and read their names, Erick Woodman age 11 and Sean Woodman age 9. He asked “You boys going to,” he checked their tickets again “Mill town?”

“Yes sir,” replied the older boy Erick. “We have family down there.” The steward nodded and permitted them entrance on to the train. Allen accepted their fake ideas when the steward handed them back as they we3re led into one of the compartments. The steward was nice enough to load their suitcases into the item storage for them. Before he left the steward informed them that if they needed anything all they had to do was ring the bell and someone would be there to help them. Allen thanked the man before he left.

When the compartment door shut, Allen and Sean both let out relieved sighs and Sean said “The way dad spoke, why did it sound like we’d never see him again?” For a moment, Allen didn’t say anything as the compartment shook and the train came to life pumping out more steam onto the platform outside. Arthur watched as the city scenery faded to green and the train left their father, and then their home behind.

“We don’t know if dad’s dead yet,” Allen said without looking back. “But if he is, our lives have to be for the sake of killing the man who broke our family.”
Sean’s face paled, but he didn’t say anything. Allen’s eyes were red and puffy and he felt as if he had no more tears left to cry. He kept hearing the last words that his father ringing over and over in head “I love you boys…”
End


This is pure fantasy-action. I like it! :D/ Just please, please. Proofread. So far, your punctuations are very confusing, the pronouns as well. I did not highlight the mistakes at the last part because, you repeat your mistakes. But I hope I helped. Keep it up, Ray! :)

~ Jash
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen:
not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”


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