At The Point Of No Return (edited again)

Prologue:

I tried to stop her but it was too late. She had gone too far. Any minute now she would pay the price. I ran over hoping I'd make it but in my mind I knew that I wouldn't. Still I needed to try. When I run I get this feeling like I can get away from anything that's troubling me, even if that thing is right behind me ready to pounce right back on top of me. By the time I reached her it was too late. She was sprawled on the ground near the border. Then I saw what I was afraid of. A mark in the shape of a square with two lines running through it. One more attempt to escape and it was all over.

Chapter 1:

Everyone here has one. A plain square on their wrist. Some people had lines. I didn't have any. Yet. Those lines were more than just lines. They were for escapes. If you tried to escape you would get one line. If you tried again you would get two. And if you were daring enough to try one more time you would go to the king who would give you a supposedly "fair" trial. Then he would kill you. No forgiveness. When my older sister, Raleigh, tried for the first time she said it feels like you just stuck your hand into an electrical outlet. Not like she didn't have to explain to me what that was. Raleigh was born in New York and that's why she's so smart. she was enjoying New York until she was whisked away to this place when her and my parents went to a small town in Norway for vacation. They were out taking a walk when my dad suggested that they race to the top of the hill they were walking up. It was a perfect tie and they started laughing and enjoying the beautiful sun setting on the horizon.Then suddenly they found themselves in this land. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that everyone was happy at that precise spot at that precise moment. I don’t know.
Anyways, a year after, I was born. I got jealous of my friend, Devin, a lot that year. She had moved here only two years ago and her family lives in the rich part of the city. I wished I had all that. She offers food and shelter sometimes and I accept but I always decline when she offers for me to live with her. I don’t like charity. Anyways, my sister told me she named this city Spoke, even though there is no name for this dismal place.
My sister is dead now. She got her third line on purpose. She told me she was going to give up on life someday. I guess that was the day. I just came to our hideout and she was gone. My parents are gone too. I don’t know what happened to them. It seemed like everyone I loved in my life was gone until she came.
Raleigh and I live in a hideout my parents made years ago when they first moved here. It’s made of scraps of wood and metal with some cloth covering it up. I thought that it was practical and easy to take care of. But when Raleigh died I realized that she had had to do a lot more than me for the “house”. I had to hang the cloth out to dry when it rained, sometimes replace a piece of wood or metal, and I figured out how hard it is to use the old, rusty, stove in there. I don’t know how she did it.
Back to the story. I put the girl in an old cart I found by the side of the road. The look on her face screamed, “Help! Help me!” I ran quicker. When I reached Devin’s house I took out my key to her house, put it in the keyhole, and turned the very intricately decorated key with my sweaty hand. It’s kinda hard pulling a 120 pound girl up a hill, so I was very sweaty. When I opened the door I was surprised to see Devin’s sister, Robi, sitting on the couch. She was usually never home at this hour of day. As I walked down the hall to “my” room I wondered why Robi was here. I dismissed it as just the fact that she was tired and wanted to stay home. I got to the room and laid the girl on the bed. She was unconscious and her body was limp. I felt her forehead and she was boiling. I ran back down the hall to the kitchen to get a cold compress. When I came back she was sprawled out on the floor face down making groaning noises and shaking. Thank god for carpeting. I ran over and flipped her. She suddenly started speaking gibberish loudly. I was surprised that Robi wasn't wondering what was happening. I shook her then she suddenly snapped out of it. Then we sat down with a tray of tea and cookies and she told me everything.

Chapter 2:

What I gathered from this girl's explanation was that her name was Laili or something but she doesn't remember and would like to be called Storm Yeung, she has epilepsy and it makes her speak Russian, and she lives alone wandering the streets and begging. I told her that she can stay with me until she finds a home of her own. I also told her that my sister killed herself, my parents ran away, I have a hideout all to myself, and I sometimes stay with Devin in her house. ( If you are wondering me and Notyouraverageweirdo are working together and she will be posting her version of the story. Tell us which parts from each story you would like us to keep when we smush the stories together.)

Hello there, danceforevergirl! Also, welcome to the Young Writers Society. If you ever need anything, just PM me.

Nitpicks

danceforevergirl wrote:I tried to stop her, but it was too late.

You forgot a comma after the word her, so I went ahead and added it in for you. ^^

danceforevergirl wrote: I ran over, hoping I'd make it, but in my mind I knew that I wouldn't.

You seem to be forgetting your commas, dear; a small bit of punctuation can truly change a sentence, as I am sure you know. In the future, take the time to add commas in where they are needed.

danceforevergirl wrote:Still, I needed to try.

Again, you forgot a comma.

Overall
I am assuming this is the first draft of your prologue; sadly, I did not enjoy reading it. Not only was it uncharacteristically short for a prologue, but it wasn't that interesting, either. A prologue is the first introduction to your characters, a glimpse of the book, etcetera; it needs to be good - no, great, so as to capture the reader's attention. Unfortunately, if I had been a reader reading this prologue, I would not have been happy with the writing and would not have read the novel. But do not get down, because this can be fixed.

One of the major issues I noticed with your prologue is that you did a poor job adding extra punctuation like commas and such. Commas, though small, are not "minor," and can truly change a sentence. They aren't too much of a hassle to add, so why not look over your work next time, or even read it out loud to see if you need a comma in certain places? It has helped me in the past to read my works out loud. Try it some time.

Also, though an "air of mystery" can be wonderful in a prologue, I do not think you pulled this off well. At the moment, it is just plain confusing, and it doesn't draw my interest in the least bit. I mean, the part about squares and lines having to do with escaping? It is truly confusing. I know you are just trying to spike the reader's interest, but I don't think that worked all too well here.

Oh, and though a prologue is short, that doesn't mean you have to leave out descriptions (imagery) and emotion. You seemed to be trying to convey the character's desperation here, but it was all just statements to me. You didn't add any feeling or true heart behind your words. Also, a bit of imagery could truly improve this. Is the area around her hot, sweltering, or freezing and barren?

Right now, this is two-dimensional. I suggest rewriting it with the above suggestions. You'll be amazed what you'll come up with. I hope this helps. You can PM me with questions and/or comments.

Cheers,
Mizzle

EDIT: This was done before ch.1 of your story was posted (just an FYI).

Hello danceforevergirl,
First of all, I love your user name!
I'm going to review, my thoughts in blue.

danceforevergirl wrote:Prologue:

I tried to stop her but it was too late. She had gone too far. Any minute now she would pay the price. I ran over hoping I'd make it but in my mind I knew that I wouldn't. Still I needed to try. When I run I get this feeling like I can get away from anything that's troubling me, even if that thing is right behind me ready to pounce right back on top of me. By the time I reached her it was too late. She was sprawled on the ground near the border. Then I saw what I was afraid of. A mark in the shape of a square with two lines running through it. One more attempt to escape and it was all over.
I agree with Mizzle, this is very short. What happens here could almost be explained in the first chapter!

Chapter 1:

Everyone here has one. A plain square on their wrist. It's a bit odd that this starts exactly where the prologue left off Some people had lines. I didn't have any. Yet. Those lines were more than just lines. They were for escapes. If you tried to escape you would get one line. If you tried again you would get two. And if you were daring enough to try one more time you would go to the king who would give you a supposedly "fair" trial. Then he would kill you. No forgiveness. When my older sister, Raleigh, tried for the first time she said it feels like you just stuck your hand into an electrical outlet. Not like she didn't have to explain to me what that was. Raleigh was born in New York and that's why she's so smart. she was enjoying New York until she was whisked away to this place when her and my parents went to a small town in Norway for vacation. They were out taking a walk when my dad suggested that they race to the top of the hill they were walking up. It was a perfect tie and they started laughing and enjoying the beautiful sun setting on the horizon.Then suddenly they found themselves in this land. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that everyone was happy at that precise spot at that precise moment. I don’t know.
Anyways, a year after, I was born. I got jealous of my friend, Devin, a lot that year. She had moved here only two years ago and her family lives in the rich part of the city. I wished I had all that. She offers food and shelter sometimes and I accept but I always decline when she offers for me to live with her. I don’t like charity. Anyways, my sister told me she named this city Spoke, even though there is no name for this dismal place.
My sister is dead now. She got her third line on purpose. She told me she was going to give up on life someday. I guess that was the day. I just came to our hideout and she was gone. My parents are gone too. I don’t know what happened to them. It seemed like everyone I loved in my life was gone until she came.
Raleigh and I live in a hideout my parents made years ago when they first moved here. It’s made of scraps of wood and metal with some cloth covering it up. I thought that it was practical and easy to take care of. But when Raleigh died I realized that she had had to do a lot more than me for the “house”. I had to hang the cloth out to dry when it rained, sometimes replace a piece of wood or metal, and I figured out how hard it is to use the old, rusty, stove in there. I don’t know how she did it.
Back to the story. I put the girl in an old cart I found by the side of the road. I didn't realize this was the same girl she found in the prologue the first time I read this. The look on her face screamed, “Help! Help me!” I ran quicker. When I reached Devin’s house I took out my key to her house, put it in the keyhole, and turned the very intricately decorated key with my sweaty hand. It’s kinda hard pulling a 120 pound girl up a hill, so I was very sweaty. When I opened the door I was surprised to see Devin’s sister, Robi, sitting on the couch. She was usually never home at this hour of day. As I walked down the hall to “my” room I wondered why Robi was here. I dismissed it as just the fact that she was tired and wanted to stay home. I got to the room and laid the girl on the bed. She was unconscious and her body was limp. I felt her forehead and she was boiling. I ran back down the hall to the kitchen to get a cold compress. When I came back she was sprawled out on the floor face down making groaning noises and shaking. Thank god for carpeting. I ran over and flipped her. She suddenly started speaking gibberish loudly. I was surprised that Robi wasn't wondering what was happening. I shook her then she suddenly snapped out of it. Wow, that was fast. Then we sat down with a tray of tea and cookies and she told me everything. (end of chapter 2)(post more later)

Overall: You have an interesting idea with the squares and the lines. But it would be more interesting if you described what things look like a bit more. Like the reader doesn't know anything about the island except of the people that live there. What does it look like? What does the buildings look like, the king's castle/palace whatever look like? These are questions I was left wondering after reading this.

Another thing is the actual physical appearance of the story itself. When someone first clicks on this they are greeted by a giant wall of text. It would look a lot neater if you spaced the paragraphs a bit better.

Okay, I hope this was helpful. In no way did I mean to discourage you. Really, your a great writer for someone your age. And I hope you keep writing, because someday you could be really great!

Thanks for the read!
~Crazy

danceforevergirl wrote:Prologue:

I tried to stop her but it was too late. She had gone too far. Any minute now she would pay the price. I ran over hoping I'd make it but in my mind I knew that I wouldn't. Still I needed to try. When I run I get this feeling like I can get away from anything that's troubling me, even if that thing is right behind me ready to pounce right back on top of me. By the time I reached her it was too late. She was sprawled on the ground near the border. Then I saw what I was afraid of. A mark in the shape of a square with two lines running through it. One more attempt to escape and it was all over.

Chapter 1:

Everyone here has one. A plain square on their wrist. Some people had lines. I didn't have any. Yet. Those lines were more than just lines. They were for escapes. If you tried to escape you would get one line. If you tried again you would get two. And if you were daring enough to try one more time you would go to the king who would give you a supposedly "fair" trial. Then he would kill you. No forgiveness. When my older sister, Raleigh, tried for the first time she said it feels like you just stuck your hand into an electrical outlet. Not like she didn't have to explain to me what that was. Raleigh was born in New York and that's why she's so smart. she was enjoying New York until she was whisked away to this place when her You mean "she", not "her"and my parents went to a small town in Norway for vacation. They were out taking a walk when my dad suggested that they race to the top of the hill they were walking up. It was a perfect tie and they started laughing and enjoying the beautiful sun setting on the horizon.Then suddenly they found themselves in this land. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that everyone was happy at that precise spot at that precise moment. I don’t know.
Anyways, a year after, I was born. I got jealous of my friend, Devin, a lot that year. She had moved here only two years ago and her family lives in the rich part of the city. I wished I had all that. She offers food and shelter sometimes and I accept but I always decline when she offers for me to live with her. I don’t like charity. Anyways, my sister told me she named this city Spoke, even though there is no name for this dismal place. You are switching between past and present tense here and in other places. Try to make it all the same.
My sister is dead now. She got her third line on purpose. She told me she was going to give up on life someday. I guess that was the day. I just came to our hideout and she was gone. My parents are gone too. I don’t know what happened to them. It seemed like everyone I loved in my life was gone until she came.
Raleigh and I live in a hideout my parents made years ago when they first moved here. If Raleigh is dead, how can she live somewhere? Again, careful with the tenses.It’s made of scraps of wood and metal with some cloth covering it up. I thought that it was practical and easy to take care of. But when Raleigh died I realized that she had had to do a lot more than me for the “house”. I had to hang the cloth out to dry when it rained, sometimes replace a piece of wood or metal, and I figured out how hard it is to use the old, rusty, stove in there. I don’t know how she did it.
Back to the story. I put the girl in an old cart I found by the side of the road. The look on her face screamed, “Help! Help me!” I ran quicker. When I reached Devin’s house I took out my key to her house, put it in the keyhole, and turned the very intricately decorated key with my sweaty hand. It’s kinda hard pulling a 120 pound girl up a hill, so I was very sweaty. When I opened the door I was surprised to see Devin’s sister, Robi, sitting on the couch. She was usually never home at this hour of day. As I walked down the hall to “my” room I wondered why Robi was here. I dismissed it as just the fact that she was tired and wanted to stay home. I got to the room and laid the girl on the bed. She was unconscious and her body was limp. I felt her forehead and she was boiling. I ran back down the hall to the kitchen to get a cold compress. When I came back she was sprawled out on the floor face down making groaning noises and shaking. Thank god for carpeting. I ran over and flipped her. She suddenly started speaking gibberish loudly. I was surprised that Robi wasn't wondering what was happening. I shook her then she suddenly snapped out of it. Like Crazy said, that was fast.Then we sat down with a tray of tea and cookies and she told me everything.

Chapter 2:

What I gathered from this girl's explanation was that her name was Laili or something but she doesn't remember and would like to be called Storm Yeung, she has epilepsy and it makes her speak Russian, and she lives alone wandering the streets and begging. I told her that she can stay with me until she finds a home of her own. I also told her that my sister killed herself, my parents ran away, I have a hideout all to myself, and I sometimes stay with Devin in her house. There is a lot of explanation in these few sentences. ( If you are wondering me and Notyouraverageweirdo are working together and she will be posting her version of the story. Tell us which parts from each story you would like us to keep when we smush the stories together.)

Overall: I agree with the others: the prologue is a bit short (not that mine is any longer), and the story is rather confusing.

Note: This story is completely copyrighted. Only DanceForeverGirl and I have any rights to the ideas, characters, places, etc. in this story.