The pain I give myself

Spoiler

This poem was actually inspired by my bird's death, this morning

You can throw me in a dirty pot;
make me into a boiling stew;

But the pain I give myself
is worse than anything you can do.

You can toss me in a flaming pit, heat tinkling my skin;
or bury me in a glacier, no air to breath in;

But the pain I give myself
is worse than anything you can do.

But alas, my heart shall go on;
never at rest, never asleep.

For I know the pain my heart shelters so willingly and easily
will kill me eventually; one dagger at a time,

slowly, painfully.

I think this poem is good, but it could be better. Add more imagery, add emotion. Don't repeat stanzas like you did as well. If you add imagery and line segments and more to this poem, it can be really really good. I liked the last two stanzas but I want even more in them. Give your readers something to think about, something to connect to. Your poem is a little unconnected from your readers, or at least, me. You need to put more in and lengthen it and add more meaning to it. give your readers a connection. Let them understand what is going on. Choose a subject, a person maybe? Or you could use your dead bird. (Sorry, by the way. That sucks) Just add more.
Then you would have a really great poem that your readers could connect to and love to read.
pm me if you have any questions.

You can throw me in a dirty pot;
make me into a boiling stew;

Take away this A. It will help with the flow.

But the pain I give myself
is worse than anything you can do.

The last line has too many syllables. It disrupts the flow. I'd suggest changing it to, "is worse than you could do." Or something similar. It's awkward how it is now.

Also, don't repeat this later on. It really disrupts the flow, and there's really no reason to.

You can toss me in a flaming pit, heat tinkling my skin;
or bury me in a glacier, with no air to breath in;

Adding the "with" makes this flow better, which is key to a good poem.

Overall, I like this. It could use more imagery, more description, but for the most part it's good.

loveness, ultraviolet <3

emmylou1995 wrote:I think this poem is good, but it could be better. Add more imagery, add emotion. Don't repeat stanzas like you did as well. If you add imagery and line segments and more to this poem, it can be really really good. I liked the last two stanzas but I want even more in them. Give your readers something to think about, something to connect to. Your poem is a little unconnected from your readers, or at least, me. You need to put more in and lengthen it and add more meaning to it. give your readers a connection. Let them understand what is going on. Choose a subject, a person maybe? Or you could use your dead bird. (Sorry, by the way. That sucks) Just add more.
Then you would have a really great poem that your readers could connect to and love to read.
pm me if you have any questions.

I agree with emmylou1995. If you continue writing, It could be better. But keep writing because practice makes prefect.

Good luck and keep writing,

Alicia.

I think you can add more ideas, try to make them angrier ones. Your theme is pain and anger, thus many ideas could be added. Try to expand your imagination, not everything you write should be related to reality. Try to add more.

I actualy really love this poem, even thought its about your pet (I hope the bird R.I.P) I feel like I can relate to it aswell, I find this incredibly talented poem not insparational but I beleive that most people can relate to this

It was a really good poem. I could feel the pain as if it was happening to me. I hope you feel better, life will always get better. You're an amazing writer. Keep writing. Good job

DragonWriterFanatic wrote:

Spoiler

This poem was actually inspired by my bird's death, this morning

You can throw me in a dirty pot;
make me into a boiling stew;

But the pain I give myself
is worse than anything you can do.(very good flow here)

You can toss me in a flaming pit, heat tinkling my skin;
or bury me in a glacier, no air to breath in;(very good lines)

But the pain I give myself
is worse than anything you can do.(i dont think this should have been repeated)

But alas, my heart shall go on;
never at rest, never asleep.(brilliant)

For I know the pain my heart shelters so willingly and easily
will kill me eventually; one dagger at a time,

slowly, painfully.

(i think it would sound better if it was slowly and painfully)
wow
what a great poem
1. the flow as fluid as water
2. very creative
plain old awesome!
keep writing!