The Gate Keeper
“Ouch” I screamed from the siring pain in my head, well at least it though I screamed it. I couldn’t hear anything around me not even my own voice. It was as if I was in complete silence but hearing the roar of a car in my ear at the same time. I not only couldn’t hear I couldn’t see what was around me either. I was a little wary of why I wasn’t freaking out by all of this. For a brief moment I pondered if maybe I had gone mute, deaf and blind all in the same instant. It seemed as if the darkness was going to swallow me whole with everything else it had already ingested.
Then suddenly I could see the rays of light shining through. The picture started off blurry, but soon I started to see the colors of my room run together. I could make out the door frame, the sheep carpeting beneath me and the shoes that were thrown in piles.
When everything was clear, or as clear as it was going to get, and I felt I had my bearings, I attempted to stand up. Once up, I realized the splitting headache I had was caused obviously from the blow to my head. I now could feel the sticky cold blood on my hands as I brought them down to assess the damage. My mind was blank, what had just happened to me, how had I gotten in my closet?
The last memory I had was of me standing in a tattoo parlor with my friends. It was the last 18th birthday out of our group, and we were all legal, and out of almost no where we had decided to get matching tattoos.
“What if it hurts?” Trish whined out in protest. “I don’t have a high tolerance for pain, and you know it Erica. I cried like a baby when I got stung by a bee for Christ Sakes. I cannot do this, actually I will not do this!”
“Fine Trish don’t get the tattoo, its your decision nobody is going to force you. But have fun telling Evan that you were too scared.” I mumbled out, fully knowing that would force her into getting it.
She stood staring at me with her hand on her hip. She wasn’t as intimidating as she thought, she still had baby fat on her face that made her look barely older than fifteen. She had fine sandy blonde hair that fell in ringlets around her angelic face and baby blue eyes that held so much intensity it was astounding that I didn’t cringe every time I looked into them.
“Fine I’ll do it! I swear though if this is worse than getting stitches then I am killing one of you four! And I mean it!”
“Good now that we have talked the cry baby in to it, can we please go in before they decide to close. It’s already rounding two.” shouts out my best friend Kellie, she is always so ready to rush into anything that caused pain. She was the tough girl out of us, her brown hair was long and flowed down to the center of her back, she was a dark olive color, much darker than me. She also had dark brown eyes that twinkled when she had a plan. Even with the dark demeanor she carried she was still as girly-girly as you could get, with her bright purple sundress and her golden high heels. She could be fierce and intimidating even in a dress.
As we walked in I could smell the metal and ink almost instantly, the aroma of tattoo parlors always reminded me of hospitals, with all of the disinfectants and cleaning agents. The man working the front desk seemed to be eyeing us a little funny. But who could blame him, I’m sure its not everyday that they get five snobby dressed up girls walking in through their doors.
“Hello. May I help you?” he said skeptical of what to think. His name tag showed his name as Fred, but that didn’t fit this man well. He was tall and muscular with tattoos covering from head to toe. His eyes were pitch black and blood shot, and they were scanning each of us a little too closely.
“Erica! Hello, are you listening?” I stumbled backwards a couple of steps from the surprise yell in my ear from Sophia.
“Sorry I was day dreaming.”
“Well thanks for tuning me in! We have to pick out a tattoo, everybody is already in the other room looking through books. Are you coming?” Wow had I really been that lost in thought to not have realized everybody leaving.
“No go ahead I am going to look on the wall over here.” She gave me a funny look and I could tell she was about to say something but thought better of it, and instead turned around and walked out.
Sophia had always been mature for her age, and she never failed to act like the mom at times when it came to advice. She fit the role well, she was tiny maybe 5’2 if even, with auburn hair that was cut short and framed around her thin face, with green eyes and the biggest smile that could always tug on my heart.
As I started to turn around to look at the images on the walls, I realized I hadn’t even looked around the inside of the building. Each wall was covered in stencils for tattoos from top to bottom, there was a door on each wall. One I knew lead to the parking lot, the other lead to the actual tattoo room that my friends had just gone in, the others I had no idea. I’m sure one was to a bathroom and maybe the other to a closet. Man was I spacing out tonight, first Sophia had to snap me out of staring and now this.
I headed in the direction of the door I had thought the girls had just walked into, but now staring at it, I wasn’t sure. I turned around and looked at the other doors, they seem to all look the same it was hard to tell the difference since the walls were covered in only images.
I guess I am just going to have to pick one. I choose the door closest to me and opened it slowly, but nothing was in it, only boxes and boxes of stuff. I decided I would choose the next closest one to me. I picked door number two, but before I could grab the handle it started to open for me. Relief flooded through me like a tidal wave.
That’s all I could remember, the rest was a blank TV screen in my head. Speaking of my head ouch did it hurt!
I was really starting to freak out about the crimson blood that was spilling down my face and onto my white clean cheek. I needed a doctor and by the means of all the blood that was flowing down my body, I was pretty sure I needed one fast or the blackness was going to take over again.
I opened the creaky door of my room, not really knowing what to expect outside of the four walls. I half figured everything would just dissolve and I would melt back into the real world and wake up from the nightmare I was living so vividly. I walked into my familiar hall ,the dark wooden floor against my feet and the starch white walls with the picture frames of our family that lead like a map, to the staircase at the end. I followed the steps of the stairs slowly and precisely, I was having a hard time standing up, let alone walking. I weaved and dodged furniture through the dark living room, not being able to see a thing made it hard to find the door knob to the kitchen.
As soon as I opened the door I saw my mother standing with her back towards me to the oven. Her short brown hair bouncing around her neck as she bustled around the stove, she was wearing a white blouse and a knee length black skirt.
When I walked in she didn’t even look up, I wasn’t sure if I should start crying or not. I didn’t want to startle her but the pain that was exploding through my head was killing me and I wasn’t sure how much more I could take.
“Mom I think..” I was cut off by the deep voice in the back of my head that was screaming danger at me. I could see my moms eyes staring out at me in shocked horror.
“ Erica! What on earth did you do to yourself? This better not be a sick and twisted joke because I am not in the mood for your pranks.”
“Can you take me to the doctor before I bleed to death!” I yelled at her half regretting it before it was even out of my mouth, I could tell those were not the words I should have said. Me and death in the same sentence wasn’t exactly what a mother wanted to hear. Her face froze and I could see the tears swell in her eyes, she fought them back before they could escape.
She grabbed the keys to her Nissan Altima, which I might add was brand new and probably not the best choice, I was almost soaked in my own blood. I could see the terror in her face as she grabbed my arm and started running towards the door. She wouldn’t even let me talk or have a chance to catch my breath she was rushing me out as fast as she could.
She wasn’t nearly fast enough though, I could already feel my vision begin to blur around the corners. I could hear my heart beating faster and faster to keep the circulation of my blood going, it started soft and became a loud thump in my ears. As we passed through the kitchen door I could feel the sleepiness take on and the dark begin to swallow me.
Then suddenly, I felt the cold wood of my living room floor against my face. I knew I had passed out at this point but the darkness was peaceful, and I wanted nothing more than peace, quiet and the cease of pain.
The cold empty space around me seemed to be growing and engulfing me, the pain had stopped. I was floating in heaven it seemed, all I saw were pure white and gold rays, plenty of clouds, or what seemed to be clouds. In the distance I heard a slow but steady angelic song start to play.
Images soared by me at an alarming rate, for a moment it actually frightened me. As they slowed there pace I could make out the people in them. Pictures of my life, I realized. There was my mom and me at the playground when Greg was four, and that one was me and Madeline only last year at homecoming. I couldn’t help but smile at all of my memories that were floating by, just as soon as one would pop up the next would take its place. Not giving me nearly enough time to remember the scene the way I wanted, in full depth. The pictures started to fade, the only one I could still see was of Kristopher and me in class the first day he had moved to town. With that last image still booming in my mind I noticed that this was what death was suppose to seem like, or the stories of death. Thinking of Kristopher had made me want out of this bleak never ending black hole and back to the cold floor and the lifeless body I knew was in my living room.
“Wake up! I don’t want to die, I want to live!” I screamed with terror knowing nobody but myself could hear me. I was alone, all alone. And for the first time, I was truly scared, scared of being alone, of being surrounded by nothing, and of never seeing the world outside of this shadowy hell again.
edit
“Erica wake up sweetie” I couldn’t decide if I thought that voice was real or a figment of my outstretched imagination. It had been quiet and dark for so long, that I wasn’t sure if that was me or someone outside of the darkness. Somehow I had escaped the bright lights but was stuck in the dark, with no conscience thought. The only item I could recall was I wanted to be home.
When I came to, I saw a white blank hospital room in front of me. My mother was hovering over me, she wasn’t looking so good, her thin body looked even more fragile than ever, her eyes that use to shine so bright took on a dusty look and her dark hair was a mess, pined up by a clip. Her eyes were blood shot, obviously from crying but from what. When she saw my eyes flutter open her face was covered with excitement. She reached down and pulled me into her arms. I was really beginning to wonder what had happened.
My eyes wondered around the room, searching, not sure of what or whom until they fell on a guy. I couldn’t place him in my thoughts, I wasn’t sure I knew who he was. Maybe he was just a doctor, but something about him made me feel weak. His eyes were also blood shot, his hands trembling, his long wavy hair was soaked with sweat. I was mesmerized by him, his face was so pale like he hadn’t been out in the sun in years, his hair dark brown, and his eyes were light green. He didn’t seem to bother anyone around me, but he was gorgeous almost to beautiful to be real. He looked so out of place standing in the corner with his hands tucked into his American Eagle kaki shorts.
“Erica! Are you okay? Can you hear me?” My mom was saying in a gentle but scared voice.
STOP
“Uh yeah.” It would have been easier to believe if I would have believed it myself. Something didn’t feel right.
“ You have been out quite a while young lady” An older man said while entering the room. He was wearing a white hospital coat, and for obvious reasons I assumed he was my doctor. “You have had everyone scared silly.”
“How long was I out for?” I chocked out, not really wanting the answer, it had felt like eternity in the dark.
“ You have been in a coma for fourteen days.” I must have not looked as traumatized as I was suppose to have been after hearing this news. My family starred at me waiting for my screams, and when they didn’t come there faces turned to panic.
“Honey, are you sure you are okay? Its normal to have a little shock from what has happened, you don’t have to hide it.” My dad was all about showing emotions and letting out suppressed feelings. He was a shrink in Cedar Park.
I knew by this time I should have been talking and asking questions but I was really and genuinely confused on to how I had gotten here. I looked from each person starting with my mom, her face was grim but had a smidge of warmth under it, my dad just starred at me with a blank look, my brother Greg was suppressing a smile, he always was a positive person, and then to the guy I had no clue of, his face was more in shock than any of theirs. He looked as if he was expecting something and it had not happened.
I pulled my gaze from him and looked back at my mother, “Why am I here?” I finally gasped out. In moments my mother had me in her arms her hug showed how worried she had been but also held the relief she was feeling.
“ You had a bad head injury darling. You lost almost all of your blood we were lucky Dr. Smyth here was able to save you.”
“ What happened though?” I was being very short and direct with my questions, I wanted answers and I wanted them fast.
“We were actually wondering the same?” My mom started to look sick after she realized the pure look of confusion I had written all over me. I was at a loss for words, I wanted answers that I was obviously not going to get.
“I don’t remember anything but waking up in my room with a killer head ache and blood flowing down my face.”
The memories all started to come back swiftly and in detail, me trying to get to my mom, me falling into the darkness. I could remember all of this but not how I had gotten the injury. After a couple of blank stares I realized nobody knew what had happened. They were as confused as I was.
The first one to talk was my doctor. “I need to give Erica her check up so if all of you will please wait outside till I have assessed her.” Nobody moved.
“I will not wait outside! We have been waiting for two weeks for her to come out of coma. I am not just going to leave my child in her time of need!” Oh this couldn’t be good. My mother never dealt with doctors good, she tended to yell and scream and get kicked out. She never could understand procedure, and now it looked like she wasn’t going to be seeing me until I was home and in bed.
“I promise you Mrs. Porter it wont take but five minutes at the max. I just need to ask her some questions, before the police get here.”
“What police!?” What had I done that had got the police involved.
“Now look what you have done, she is freaking out for no reason” She aimed a nasty look at the doc.
“ They need to ask you a couple of questions about what happened, that’s it. Nothing is wrong. Now don’t you worry I will be right out here if you need me, any of us.”
I wasn’t sure why I would need any of them at the moment. I was lying on a hospital bed what could possibly happen next. What could possibly make this moment any worse then it already was.
Everyone turned to walk towards the door, well everyone but the beautiful mysterious man. He looked at me, or maybe past me. I wasn’t sure. I blocked everyone out, all I could see were the pools of his blue eyes. He seemed to be trying to say something to me through them. We only held gaze for a matter of moments before he broke the spell and walked out the door right behind the rest of my family.
“Now don’t start to panic everything is and will be okay. You have been out a substantial amount of time, and in most cases there is a lot of brain damage to the memory section. I want you to tell me how old you are?”
Was he kidding! I had only been out for fourteen days I couldn’t have aged to much. Rolling my eyes I said “ I am 18.”
“Alright and can you please tell me the month and year?” How was I suppose to know what month it was it could have changed while I was knocked out.
“ Its 2006 and I guess the month is still August.” There now he could let me go I knew the year my age and the month. What on earth could he possibly want now.
“Miss. Porter I don’t want you to start to freak out or yell, but it is not 2006 anymore it hasn’t been for almost two years. You are 20 years old and its is now 2008.”
I searched the room frantically looking for some proof that he was lying. I was waiting for my family to throw open the door and yell gotcha or something, anything. I turned towards the calendar I knew it would give me the proof I needed to show that I wasn’t nuts. Looking at the calendar made everything worse, it made it real and impossible to deny. I was very wrong about it not getting worse, my sanity was on the brink of sending me over the edge if I wasn’t already. He rattled on for a while telling me about how I had short term amnesia and that one day I might have the memories back. I wasn’t paying much attention, I starred out the only visible window. It was a dark night, windy and about to storm. I watched the bushes flap violently against the brick walls of the hospital. My mind drifted further and further away from reality and back into my safe darkness.
“I better leave now Mrs. Porter before she starts asking questions.” I could faintly hear from the mouth of a stranger. I was still trapped in my own nightmare but not fully awake.
“Now Kristopher I don’t think that will be necessary, I am positive she remembers you. You cant just forget a face like yours.” Who was my mother talking to, who didn’t I remember? Was it the guy I was mesmerized by?
“I could see it in her eyes, she hasn’t the faintest clue who I am or who I was to her. She looked at me with a new fascination.”
“The doctor said it would be good to tell her of what she doesn’t know anymore.” My moms voice was begging with each word and I could feel the sorrow that hung in the air just outside the door.
“I cant tell her of the love we had or show her the memories we had made for the two years she just forgot. Its more pain than I could bare, to look into her eyes and see she doesn’t know me anymore than she knows the nurse attending to her.” His words were harsh but not directed at me.
Hours later when my parents were asleep on the couches, I decided I wanted answers and I wasn’t going to wait any longer to find them. I have no idea where I thought I was going to get my answers from, a nurse, a doctor, a wondering man, none of which could tell me what I already knew to be the truth, there was no answer. I paced the hallways for an hour just waiting, nobody walked by in that long lonely hour, but a few nurses.
The sadness I was once feeling was being crashed down on like waves by the anger that was rising in my head. I stormed down the hallway past the night nurses at the front desk. I could feel the anger in me swelling like a balloon. I was about to burst and hopefully not on some poor bystander. I could hear the nurses foot steps and there voices carrying after me, I ignored them and sped up. I was determined to find him. There he was, my doctor, standing next to the door talking to an elderly women, maybe a patient, maybe his mother. I didn’t really care I had it in for him.
“You listen here Mr.doctor I want reasons for my memory loss and I want them now!” I screeched at the top of my lungs so the whole third floor could hear.
“Do you know what its like seeing your family look at you like your crazy? Or how about not remembering anything not even the name of the guy you were supposedly dating?” My temper was reaching its limits any moment now I would snap, if I hadn’t already.
“I want answers!” I barreled at him through gritted teeth. I took a step back to see the terror I thought I was causing him. There was no sign of anything like that, he looked sympathetic. His eyes were gazing on me as if I was a four year old throwing a temper tantrum about not getting ice cream. Which is exactly what I had done thrown a temper tantrum in front of everyone. I gained my sanity back just as fast as I had lost it. I snapped back to wondering where the hell that had come from.
“There, there now Miss. Porter, I know you are under a great deal of…” He didn’t have time to finish I had to apologize and get out of there as fast as possible.
“ Oh my I’m sorry sir, I don’t know what came over me.” I said without thinking, I really was sorry and I wasn’t sure why I thought any of this was his fault, he saved me and now I was repaying him with blame.
“Its perfectly fine. I completely understand, why don’t you let one of the nurses escort you back to your room. You should get some sleep it’s a big day tomorrow.”
I knew he didn’t understand why I just lashed out at him for no reason at all, but I couldn’t help but just nod my head and walk away. I could feel his eyes searching mine to find some kind of reassurance that I wasn’t crazy. He was right it was a big day, I had to talk to the cops and give them no new information that they didn’t already have, I was also going home.
I could feel the sunlight on my face, it was shining in from the window that my mom had just opened. As soon as I thought about leaving the hospital I jumped up in excitement.
“When can we leave?” My voice was a little shaky still from all the news yesterday.
“Anytime today, but we have to meet with the police still. We are just going to wait for them here.”
“When will they be here? I don’t want to spend my whole Saturday in a hospital. I need to catch up on everything, since I don’t remember much.” This was the truth, but mostly I just hated hospitals they gave me the creeps. Too many dying people and sad family members, it didn’t help much with my depressing life.
Without even answering my question she disappeared out the door. Checking the clock next to my bed I realized it was already late afternoon, I must have slept at least twelve hours. The hospital room I was in was very standard, walls that were too white and only one pink framed artwork in the corner, an ugly 90’s deco art that was way out of style. It was all too depressing, not just the room but everything. The full weight of not remembering the last two years was just starting to settle in. Who were my friends? Did I live at home? Where did I work? All very trivial information until you cant answer the questions yourself. I will have to rely on everyone around me to fill in the missing piece of this puzzle that is suppose to be my life.
After what seemed like an eternity my mother finally walked back in, saving me from the thoughts that were exploding throughout my brain. Only moments after she walked in, two cops followed, the first took a seat next to my bedside making himself a little too comfortable, his green eyes were searching the room until finally they came to mine. He was chunky man, not fat but not skinny, he seemed to be nervous he had sweat beads dripping from his forehead onto his eyelids. Turning from him I looked at the second cop, he was more relaxed. He couldn’t have been much older than me, his hair was thick and long, hiding his eyes from view.
“Erica, I am Officer Arnold from the Austin City Police Department and this is my partner Will.” said the first cop.
“Actually its Officer Will.” as he spoke his eyes never left his partners, he seemed to be directing it to Arnold, but of course the older man never acknowledged him at all.
“Now Erica we only have a couple of questions for you, and then you can be on your way. I am sure you are ready to be home by now, so we will try to make this fast. Will would you like to take this one or shall I?”
Officer Arnold seemed to making a jab at his partner and apparently it was working. Will or I guess Officer Will, started to turn red, his hands gripped at his side, as if stopping him from taking a swing at Officer Arnold. “No, by all means take it, you have already started without me. I will just wait outside and maybe get some coffee.” Man, was this getting awkward, Officer Arnold didn’t seem to like his partner too much.
“Okay well lets get started. What was the last thing you can remember from the night you were injured?”
“I’m Sorry Officer, I cant remember a thing from that day, only me waking up in my closet covered in blood.”
“Please call me Arnold.” He sat there for a moment without speaking just starring off into space, I was starting to wonder if maybe he really had wanted his partner to take over.
An hour later he had finished with his questions and his partner Officer Will was back in the room leaning against the wall.
“Well now I think we are done here, I’m sure you have lots to do today so we will be heading off.” Officer Arnold said while making his way across the room towards the door. Officer Will covered the five feet stretch from him to the door in two monstrous steps, he seemed to be in a hurry and had no means in saying goodbye. Officer Arnold walked out and turned around in the middle of the door way, he started to speak but then thought better of it and just waved goodbye and kept on walking. I watched the two of them walk down the hall until finally their bodies started to fade from sight.
Well home looked about the same, the house was still a white plantation home with green shudders, Mom still kept the flower beds cleaned and the grass mowed. Maybe I hadn’t forgotten all of the two years just bits and pieces of it. Home was the same, so it couldn’t be too bad, it stilled smelled of honeysuckles and fire, the fence was still looking old and wobbly, the porch still needed a new coat of paint, the walkway still had cracks with grass coming through it and there was still the oak tree leaning over ready to fall from when Greg and I ran into it with the tractor. Everything seemed to be in place so why was I not?
“Come on sweetie you can stay here in your old room until you have remembered everything or at least parts of it.” My mother said with a shudder. It wasn’t cold out or even near chilly, it was a warm summer day, so my mothers chill wasn’t from the air but from the fact that I her only daughter was ill and she couldn’t fix me. I felt the full weight of the amnesia at that very moment, It wasn’t only me hurting, it was my whole family and my friends. It was like I didn’t love them enough to remember the memories we had. Back in reality I started to wonder where I lived if not with my parents.
“ Where did I move to?” Now I was beginning to become scared how could I not remember moving out of my parents home that’s a major step in life.
“ Well angel after you graduated…” “I GRADUTATED!!!” I screamed this was unbearable, everyone was there for graduation but me I was a hollow figurine or at least that’s what I was in my memory of it because there was no memory.
“ We are going to have to take this moment by moment darling, its okay to freak out, scream, cry they are all normal behaviors for someone who has been through what you have been through. So lets take this slow. Once you graduated you were accepted to Baylor university in Waco, Texas you moved there and live in an apartment with your friend from Houston, Lori.” Wow was I mental case, my dad was even talking to my like I was one of his crazy patients, this was becoming too real. As I walked the stone path to my house and onto the withered porch I started to realize how much I had lost. I had lost a guy who I have no recollection of but he seemed to love me, I had lost friends whom I didn’t even know names of. How scary of a world this has become to not know anything of yourself or who you were for the past two years. My only hope was that the doctor was right that I would start to gain those memories back, and hopefully soon.
“Why don’t you go up to your room and ill make you something to eat. You need to rest dear. Greg don’t bother your sister either.” Mom was back to her peachy self ready to cook for anybody, I’m surprised she didn’t invite the whole neighborhood for a welcome back your alive party. I walked towards the old creaky staircase ready to be in my room alone, when I noticed little details about the house. They had remodeled parts of it, the creaky staircase that I use to hate was redone with new cedar wood and a row of white carpet running down it. I hated the old stairs but now I realized I missed them, the way that I use to step over certain spots to sneak out of the house at night or when Greg was younger I would put him on a pillow and push him down them just to see him scream and cry for mom. It was such a trivial thing to miss but I missed them, I missed a lot of things that I didn’t even know I missed yet. It was like a hole was blasted out of my heart but I was unaware of it. I started to cry, the stairs had pushed me over the edge that I was clinging to for dear life.
When my mom found me an hour later I was passed out at the bottom of the stairs in a human ball, holding myself.
“Erica. Erica, wake up.”
I came to groggy and still prepared to cry for the next hour I wanted nothing more than to be in my room, on my bed and cry until something changed.
“Honey, a friend of yours is here to see you. He’d like to talk to you. Is that alright?” I was getting sick and tired of being babied like I was crazy and needed a padded wall.
“Yeah that’s fine. Who is it?” Not like I would remember anyway. “
”Its Kristopher the guy who was at the hospital yesterday. Are you alright darling? Why were you asleep here?”
‘
“ I’m fine I was just admiring the new staircase its pretty.” Trying to act normal was a little harder than it looked seeing how I was doing crazy things like sleeping at the bottom of a staircase.
“Alright, He is in the living room waiting for you when you are ready.”
“Okay thanks Mom.” She starred at me for a moment, and I could see the pity and the sympathy in her eyes. I was losing it both her and I knew that.
I walked into the living room that once use to be familiar but now was as vacant a memory as ever. The whole room was redone it didn’t have white wooded walls with pictures of our family, it was now covered in cedar paneling running horizontal, there were dead animals on the wall and only a couple of pictures of our family from years past. There was also a beam running above me a thick piece of wood that had designs carved into it for decorational purposes only. The couches weren’t even the same, they use to be old small couches that had flower designs covering them, now they were massive lazy boy leather seats with black stitching. As I starred in wonderment around me I could feel Kristopher’s eyes on me, I couldn’t force myself to look at him, not yet. I was still speechless from the change, I could only take in so much at one time. The dead animals on the wall were from my dads hunting trips I knew that much at least. There were deer and hog heads and even a couple of ducks. I use to love to go hunting with him when I was younger I loved the adrenaline rush I would get right before he would fire his rifle, but now these animals scared me they looked at me with blank stares, Just like me. I was an animal on parade in someone’s house I had no memory I had nothing just as the animals starring back at me didn’t.
“Erica. Are you alright?” Kristopher scared me out of my trance and forced me to look at him. He was even more beautiful then I last remembered. His white skin stretched over his muscular body was absolutely flawless. I knew I was gawking but I couldn’t make myself stop, he was right out of a fairy tale, the most gorgeous guy I had ever seen.
“I know you don’t remember me, but the doctors told us we needed to try to gar your memory. So I thought I would come over and talk to you, but this seems to have been a bad time so I should probably just come back another day, maybe one were you are feeling well.” Even his voice was perfect it sounded like a song coming easy and effortlessly with grace and affection.
“ No I’m perfectly fine.” I said with a fake smile plastered on my face. I really wasn’t fine at all I was sinking farther and farther into the black hole that was my life.
“Alright if your sure. I really could come back tomorrow or next week sometime if you are not up for this?” It was starting to click into place, he was as nervous as I was, he was trying to delay the talk, but unfortunately for him I was already here and ready to hear who he was.
I sauntered over to the love seat that was directly in front of the couch that Kristopher was sitting on, and took a seat and waited for him to launch into his story. And waiting is what I did, he just kept starring at the wood flooring as if he did not intend to speak first. I sucked in a whopping big breath and released the air with a sigh. I guess I will be the one to break the awkward silence. “So what’s up?”
Whoa was I lame! Really what’s up I sound like a 7th grader. Ugh!
“ Nothing much, just trying to figure out how I am suppose to tell you who you are to me and I to you. It is a little frustrating, I worked on this speech for like 2 hours today and I cant seem to make myself say any of it. I just want it to be perfect and for you somehow to just remember…” He was starting to ramble and I was starting to tune him out, this wasn’t going so well. “Kristopher.” “…and its just so hard to tell…” “Kristopher.” I yelled a little louder, but still he kept on going like the energizer bunny. “KRISTOPHER!” and man did that get his attention. “Oh um yes?” he stuttered out a little shaken from my scream.
“You were starting to ramble and you really weren’t going anywhere with what you were saying. So I thought I would help you. As you probably already know my dads a shrink and I have kind of picked up on how to handle psychos like me.” I said with a little hysterical laugh. He didn’t seem to think it was funny at all, he just starred waiting for me to go on like I hadn’t even made a joke. Maybe he really believed I was crazy.
“Yeah any who, how about you describe to me the first time I met you, maybe that will bring back some of my memories.”
“Okay at least it is somewhere to start. It was the first day of our senior year and I believe it was 3rd period English that I first saw you. We were both in Mr. Clarks honor class, I sat three desks behind you. I was already in class before you walked in, you didn’t notice me because you were having a conversation with your friend Madeline. But I noticed you the moment you walked in, with your long blonde hair that flowed down your back and your stunning blue eyes. You were wearing dark jeans that had rips and tears in them, and a black short sleeve shirt with a black jeweled belt. The whole period all I did was stare at the your back and wait for class to end so I could talk to you. You seemed to have this draw to you like a magnet and all I could think about was meeting you. Once the bell rang you ran out of the class room before I could get to you. So I waited patiently until the next time I would see you, which wasn’t very long 5th period we both had Speech together with Mrs. Ackles. This time you were already in class sitting at a desk in the middle of the classroom by yourself, so I decided to sit next to you. You didn’t really say much to me when I said hello, you didn’t even look up you were so engrossed in the novel you were reading. And then about half way through class you turned and looked at me really looked at me and from then on we have been..” He stopped abruptly obviously looking for a word that wouldn’t frighten me off. “..friends.”
Dang! That did nothing I still don’t remember him or anything about any of my senior year.
“ I am guessing that did nothing, am I right?” I must have been mirroring my feelings pretty well, I was a blank screen waiting to be typed on I knew nothing of him and it was a horrible depressing feeling.
Many hours later, after the talk with Kristopher and after the awkward dinner with my family, I was lying in bed staring at my ceiling. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for myself, I kept thinking that this was all a nightmare and soon I would wake up and life would be the same, it would be my senior year and everything would be normal. I knew that was only a wish but still miracles happen didn’t they? I was having trouble falling asleep with all the thoughts in my head of the days that would come and of the times that would be hard, I started to count sheep like when I was younger. One sheep, two sheep, three sheep, four sheep, five sheep, six ….
When I woke up I expected, like normal people to be in the bed and room that I fell asleep in, but no such luck I was in a room I had never been in before. The room had big thick gray bricks on all four sides, with one big window directly in front of me that had frilly pink pastel curtains pulled up exposing the night sky. I seemed to have stepped back in time, the room looked to be a like a scene from Romeo and Juliet play we did my sophomore year in drama. As I looked around the room I noticed that I wasn’t the only one in the room there was a girl, maybe my same age standing up in a white full length nightgown, with her back towards me. She had not noticed my presence, and she was beginning to pace back and forth, with a nervous look on her face. I gently rose from the bed and started to walk towards her but stopped mid way. She had finally turned towards me, she looked identical to me. She had my long blonde hair, my light blue eyes, and even my tiny nose.
“ Here stand I. Awaiting my death, but I shalt fear no more for I am strong as Samson, and he be wicked as Herod.” She said with a twisted look of hatred.
“Excuse me? I seem to have gotten lost or something.” I said, a little scared that she would yell at me with as much anger as she had just spoken. But I was wrong she ignored me, or perhaps she hadn’t heard or seen me at all.
The massive wooden door had been flung open and from out of nowhere a guy appeared behind the frame, standing tall and irate. His face looked familiar, but I couldn’t place him, his dark brown hair was cut short against his head, his light green eyes seemed to be about to pop out of his sockets, he was dressed in what looked like a big blue dress over black tights. I noticed the a ring on his left hand, it was a massive silver ring with a green gem in the middle with a serpent crawling around the outer metal. He slowly turned his head to me looking straight at my eyes, and then swiftly turning back to hers, as if he hadn’t seen me at all.
“Thou art hard to find my fair.” he said to her through gritted teeth, he was holding back his anger but it was beginning to boil over.
“ Mayhap that tis because I did not want thee to find me.” She was pushing him, she wanted him to snap.
“ Wherefore not?”
“Thou knows wherefore not! Thou shall leave now!” I was starting to wonder how nobody heard them screaming at each other.
“Nay, I have come for thee. I will send thee back to where thee belongs.”
“Thou art a fool if thee think thee can send me away.” she said at the top of her lungs, she turned towards me and began to walk swiftly to the window. She peered out the large extravagant window and muttered to herself.
“Kristopher is coming!” She cried out, and in that moment I realized why the man in the door way looked so familiar, he looked like Kristopher but with a darker demeanor.
“Thou thinks that he shall scare me? I fear not my brother, I give not a tinker’s damn if he comes.” he said with a calm face and an even calmer voice.
“Thou knows thou art scared Adrian!”
“Visurus magam magni solis filiam,
His procedens é latebris,
Ibis Circêum liber in hospicium,
Haud arctis arctis clusum terminis.”
Adrian started to chant at her, in a foreign language that I couldn’t identify, it sounded like Latin, with every word his voice grew louder, and with every word she cried in pain.
“Balantes oues, mugientes & boues,
Crissantes hoedorum patres
Visurus, vniuers' & campi pecora,
Cunctasque syluæ bestias.”
“ Thou wilt ne’er get away with this! Kristopher shall killeth thee!” She screamed in agony, breathing deeply between every word she said.
“Concentu vario errabunt cæli volucres,
In terra, in vnd' in aere.
Et to dimittent illæsum pisces maris,
Naturali silentio;”
He ignored what she said, he was too concentrated on the spell or curse that he was casting. I started backing away from the two of them towards the closet that was behind me, but as soon as I took the first step Adrian stopped chanting and looked directly at me and acknowledged me.
“Thou thinks I could not see thee! Thou art a fool!”
“Tandem caueto, quando domum appuleris,
Inuenturus domestica:
Namque antè fores, aditumqu' ant' atrii,
Limosum se præsentans”
He started off slow at first then began to chant faster and stronger at both of us. At first nothing changed but after the second line I could feel the heat growing within me. It was like a caldron within my stomach starting to boil and spread like a disease to the rest of my body. The pain started in my chest and spread through my veins like black blood. It was slowly taking over me piece by piece.. My mind was screaming for help, but I couldn’t make myself talk. I was trapped like a bird in a cage, nowhere to go, no way out, I was helpless.
“Occurret porcus, cui si forté adhæseris:
Limo, dentibus, pedibus:
Mordebit, inquinabit, inculcabit,
Et grunditu t' obtundet.”
And as he started to chant the last line, his mouth went up into a smirk, I knew that he was killing me again.
Wake up! Wake up! Its all just a dream, you just have to wake up!
“Wake her up”
“Heck no I don’t want to get slapped.”
“ How about I just wake up? That sound better for y’all.” I said as I yawned and sat up while rubbing the sleep from my eyes.
“Do you remember us?” Maddy mumbled out, trying very horribly to not look like the one who said it.
“Madeline!!!” Trish yelped out, obviously concerned about me being upset, which of course I wasn’t, it was Maddy. She loved to say inappropriate things all the time, that was just my BFF’s personality.
“It’s alright I remember y’all, I’m not brain dead! I have known y’all since elementary school, unfortunately.” I was starting to feel better about everything, my four best friends were here. This day was already starting off good.
“Did you really think I could forget you Maddy?”
“I don’t know, when I first heard I actually thought Kylie was trying to get me back for the bucket of mud I threw on her from the previous summer, but it just seemed impossible for you to forget us.”
“Nope, I for sure remember y’all and I always will. How about y’all go downstairs and get my mom to make some breakfast and I’ll get dressed and meet y’all down there.” I need some time to myself to think about the dream that I had I said mentally to myself.
“Alright, but don’t take too long. We have missed you.” Kellie said while hugging me.
“I won’t, make sure she makes me some blueberry pancakes!” I yelled after them, they were already half way down the stairs before I got my sentence out.
Maybe I was crazy, and that was just some strange hallucinations. I couldn’t figure out a logical explanation for the dream I had. It was so life like, I can remember every detail down to the color of the ring Adrian wore.
Omg! I am crazy! I already believe there is an Adrian. When obviously its just my imagination running wild.
I got dressed as fast as possible in hopes that there was still some pancakes left.
“Don’t you look cute today” I said with a smirk.
“Oh hush!” Sophia was all about fashion, she secretly wanted to be a model but never had the guts to try out.
“I know I look like crap, I just threw a t-shirt on and some jeans.”
“Actually I was reading a magazine the other day and the grunge look is so in.”
“Yes and this is from the one who is still wearing last years shoes. It’s okay Trish we know you are fashionably inept.”
“ I am not fashionably inept! Your so rude Sophia.”
“Okay guys can we stop shouting at each other across the table I really need help today. I have to remember the last two years of my life and y’all are going to help me.” Hopefully they can handle that because I am starting to go nuts not knowing anything about myself.
“Hey mom! We are going to go down to the creek will be back in time for lunch.” I shouted not waiting for a yes or no response. All five of us walked shoulder to shoulder down to the creek, it was about a half a mile walk and it was a gorgeous day. It was sunny outside but still had a chill to the wind, the birds were out and about, singing there wondrous song. Everything felt right for that five minutes down to the bottom, I could almost imagine that everything was normal.
“ So Erica, how are can we be of service?” Maddy giggled out, she was always a chipper person even in the darkest of moments.
“ I know! I know!”
“Well spit it out Trish we haven’t got all day.” Kellie barked out while rolling her eyes.
“Wow rude! Anyway Erica I was thinking we could all tell you bits and pieces of the last couple years, you know so maybe they will make you remember.”
“That sounds great Trish. You can start.” I said starring at Kellie, she was really distracting me. Her worried eyes kept darting from person to person; only holding gazes for a fraction of a second.
“Okay well lets see, Kellie got Homecoming Queen, and Prom Queen but that was a given so I guess that’s not new. Lets see oh our senior year we won state in volleyball!..”
Trish kept rambling on, and I started to zone her out after the first dragging minute. I could not make my eyes look away from Kellie, she looked so disoriented and confused. I caught her gaze and held it. Tears started to swell in her opaque brown eyes, with one escaping and rolling down her cheek leaving a charcoal stain on her perfect olive complexion. I wanted so much to spring to her rescue and hold her inner child while it wept. I knew better though, she was strong and never needed anyone, not even her friends to hold her up. In less time then I could register, she was already wiping the tear stain away, and gathering her strength to adhere a fake smile upon her crushed face.
“…. and you have been dating for like two years now..”
“Hey hold on Trish.” I was hoping that I didn’t sound too rude when I interrupted her.
“Yeah Erica?”
“ I need to talk to Kellie real quick if y’all don’t mind?”
“ Yeah go ahead” Maddy said, expecting me to speak in front of them.
“Well actually I need to talk to her alone. You know, private?”
“Private? Fine we will just go have our OWN conversation without you two!”
Oh Man! Sophia was pissed!
“It wont take long I promise.” I said, but they ignored me and kept on walking down the creek.
“Yeah what’s up?”
“ What’s wrong? You have been kind of edgy and rude since breakfast.”
“ Nothing.” She was stalling and I could tell, she was never very good at lying.
“ I am just worried about you and your memory.”
“You know that’s the worst lie I have ever heard!”
“Its not a lie!” Which was another lie on top of that lie, and she was proving it by being really defensive.
“Okay Kellie tell me the truth what is wrong?”
“ I cant tell you, you would think I was crazy.”
“What? No I wouldn’t if anyone’s the crazy one here its me, I am the one who cant even remember who I am. So come on tell me.”
“It’s nothing, I promise don’t worry about me, just focus on your memory. I am fine, everything is fine.” So if everything was fine why didn’t I believe her, maybe because her eye was twitching the whole entire conversation or maybe I was just making my paranoia up. Either way something wasn’t quite right and I was going to figure it out whether she wanted me to or not.
We walked shoulder to shoulder, along the bank of the creek headed towards our friends. I kept my head down and stared into the green creek avoiding their gaze, I knew the looks they would be giving me, confusion, sadness and even worse betrayal.
The green golden lake stretched vastly out along the beach like bank. It was a life force for everything around it, the animals, the trees, and even me. I felt the first tug towards it like it wanted me to jump in and become one with it, and leave all the pain behind. The more I looked upon it the more the idea in me was blossoming, just jump in its harmless, it will carry you to safety. To a place so unlike the world you live in now, a safe tranquil world, where love is infinite and pain is nonexistent.
Then suddenly I was falling, falling farther and farther into cold harsh water, I was miles away from my friends and hope. I had nothing left to lose but my life itself, and now it seemed that I was losing that along with everything else. The water beat against my lifeless body, and with each slap of the waves I lost more and more of my self, my mind, and my soul to the creature that feed this tiny world around it, the creek. Then with no warning the harshness stopped, I was floating in the water suspended above the rocky bottom and the wavy top. I had no idea how long I stayed that way, minutes, hours, days I had no judgment of time or anything but myself and the pain that was piercing through my mind. My vision was lost with every other part of me and all I could hear was the water around me, but somehow I could see the darkness that was bursting within my head, slowly spreading and smothering the light and adding only darkness and turmoil. It was like sawdust slowly fertilizing my mind, telling me to give up, give in to it, the power, the darkness.
I was slowly losing the concept of reality. I have been here for hours doing nothing, lying in nothing, being nothing, maybe I am nothing. There is no pain or joy here, where is here?
I needed help, and I needed it fast, I was starting to question everything about life. Why can’t I remember where I am? Or even who I am?
Hours ticked by or so it seemed, and nothing changed, I just slowly lost my mind and sanity. I had no knowledge of whether I still had limbs, they had gone numb long ago. My body was absent all I heard, saw or felt was my straining voice. Maybe that was all I was, a voice, an empty shell in the vast emptiness of nothing. I was just an illusion of my sadistic mind, making up my life, family, friends and even my own problems. I was nothing.
“Erica! What the hell are you doing?!” I reeled back from the sound of Trish’s voice, it was like a cold slap to my hardened face.
“Uhh um sorry.” I didn’t even have much of an excuse that wouldn’t land me in a straight jacket with padded walls, but the thought of that safe, secure room was starting to sound more and more like a good idea.
“Your starting to creep us out! Are you sure your okay?” Madeline asked as she moved towards me to support me, I was still feeling a bit disoriented from my day dream. There is no way that was a day dream it was way to real.
I looked from Madeline’s soft but hard presence and the question mark on her face, to the rest of my friends that were mirroring her expression and then starring at Kellie, who looked a little disheveled but not scared or confused, kind of like she was expecting it.
“Yes I am fine I was just day dreaming a little.”
“That must have been some day dream, because your facial expressions were all whacked out.” Sophia said while looking at the water.
The walk back to the house was silent and eerie. The question that was floating around in everyone’s mind including me was, had I truly lost my mind.
After everything that had happened in the last twenty four hours I was ready to flee to Canada and start over new. My family and friends all thought I needed to be on medication and I don’t blame them, maybe my head injury had knocked something else loose in my head.
As I laid in bed starring at my blank ceiling I tried to imagine my future, but all I could see was a blank ceiling, that I barely recognized anymore. I wanted to drift off to a sweet blissful dream but my eyelids never grew tired and my brain never stopped contemplating. I laid there silent and motionless for hours waiting for sleep to overcome and finally when I realized it wouldn’t, I decided to take a walk. I grabbed my pink cotton robe off the hook of my door, and threw on the slippers my grandma gave me a couple of Christmas’ back, and headed down the stairs.
As I walked through my vacant home I realized how scary it was at night. There was little light illuminating my path to the kitchen, I ran into the wall twice and was scared I might have woken my parents up. My luck must have been changing though, because nobody came down the stairs after me.
I fiddled for the light in the pantry moving both hands up and down the side walls, it took a while but finally I found the switch. I searched through the clutter to find a flashlight, but of course there wasn’t one in plane sight. If I was a flashlight where would I hide?
“Ahh! there you are, you little sneaky one you!” I said to myself as I found it behind the box of batteries.
I slowly and cautiously turned the dead bolt to the backdoor, trying not to make too much noise I opened the door and crept out into the crisp night air. I gradually closed the wooden door behind me, and made off towards the night. I wasn’t walking anywhere in specific, but later I would realize that it was not just a coincidence that I ended up on the same spot of the creek.
As I descended down the hill towards the creek I could faintly make out an outline of a body stretched out against the willow tree. I couldn’t make out who it was, but from the looks of it, it was a tall male. The closer I got the more the figure took shape and turned into Kristopher. Why was he out here this late?
“Hey Kristopher.”
He slowly turned around with a puzzled look upon his face.
“Hey Erica. What are you doing out here so late?”
The darkness of the night hide his face from sight, but I could tell something wasn’t quite right.
His voice was oozing anger, and not a normal anger but a life long anger. Like it had been there all along standing in the forefront of his presence. How had I missed it? It was impossible to overlook the iciness in his words now, they sent chills to my bones.
“I couldn’t sleep so I thought I would take a walk by the creek to calm my nerves. Can I ask you why your out here?” I was trying to step with caution, he didn’t seem to happy and there was no way I was going to send him over the edge. I didn’t really know him and I wasn’t sure what he was capable of.
“That’s too bad.”
“Excuse me? What’s too bad? Are you feeling alright Kristopher?”
“That’s not Kristopher, Erica.” Kellie said as she walked towards me in slow motion.
“ What the hell are you doing here? Am I having another dream or should I say nightmare? And what do you mean he isn’t Kristopher look at him, its Kristopher alright.”
“Have you actually looked at him Erica? He is standing in the dark, his face is hidden from view. Did you ever wonder why he is sitting out at your creek at almost midnight? Or why your out here?”
“Oh this is absolutely ridiculous, I want to wake up already, this one isn’t even scary or funny for that matter. What is it your suppose to do to wake up is pinch or poke?”
“ You know she’s right Erica I’m not Kristopher, and no this isn’t another dream Love. This is actually happening and this time I am going to finish you off like I should have 3 weeks ago.”
“Over my dead body.” Kellie barked at him, she took a step forward to put her body in front of mine, in a protective stance.
“Oh that can be arranged very easily. So either move or I kill both of you.” The words slithered off his tongue with so much venom and hatred I cringed and took a huge step back. I was beginning to think that this wasn’t my dream anymore that this was as real as it gets.
“Lets talk about this Adrian, why don’t we make a deal you leave and I promise not to kick your ass. How does that sound?”
“Oh poor pitiful Kellie, trying to save the damsel in distress again. Why would you think you could stop me if the last ten times you have failed miserably? Are you really so anxious to die for a foolish cause?”
“Kellie, what is he talking about?” Kellie opened her mouth to respond but slowly closed it. She looked dumbfounded and more than a little confused.
“Ahh, I see you are clueless to why you are even fighting for her. This is priceless, I thought I messed up by not killing her, but this seems to have worked out better. Now I get to see you all run around dazed and confused. I must let this play out.” And without another word or insult he turned away and walked off into the trees. I watched in silence as he walked until his shadow finally disappeared from sight.
)