Journey To A New World

My Journey

As I approach the mysterious object with anticipation, a shiver of excitement runs down my spine. It was early morning, almost dawn. The remnants of the over-night frost crunches beneath my feet as I walk gently across the field. There, stood before me, the wonder of my journey, is a hot a balloon, a towering multi-colored balloon that seems to reflect rainbows into the clear sky. The basket beneath it looks like it has been woven by corn fairies.

I can’t contain myself any longer, as I jump inside the basket, I know I will never forget this journey. As I leave the ground with a jolt, I wave, not to the strangers below me, but to the world I know and love.

Above the clouds is a new world, a world I had never seen before, a world with its own mysteries. I'm moving gently forward, over the wild and beautiful, unexplored world around me. I’m floating in silence, and breaking it up with every sound of my breath. Above me, there's nothing
but shimmery light, below me the place where I've come from and will go back to when I am done here. As I move through the air, the vapor from my breath travels upwards like cigarette smoke.

The sun is rising, it shooting glacial beams of light up into the morning sky. The clouds turn pink, like sweet, fluffy candy floss. Then when the sun is in our view, the clouds are white, pearl white, like soft powdered snow on a winters day. The smell of the air is fresh, clear, cold. It tickles my nose.

My eyes are closed, only my ears are open. The sound of the wind surrounds my ears and swirls around me, for a moment I feel like I am dancing on air. The chirping of the birds fills my ears like music, and again, I am dancing. I check the gas. I don't have as much time as I need to see everything, but that is what makes it so special.

We are going down, back down to earth. I close my eyes again and try to reach the feeling of happiness I had felt a moment ago, but it is gone. I keep my eyes closed not wanting to see us leaving the magical world. We hit the ground with a sudden thud and I topple out the basket. I am lying on the cold, wet grass. I am back. My return was sudden. The wondrous journey is over, though it will stay with me forever. In my dreams at night, and in my thoughts during the day. The journey is part of my life now. It is part of me.

Hope you like it!

Hey I'm BadNarrator and I'll be reviewing your story today.

youngwriter101 wrote:As I approach the mysterious object with anticipation, a shiver of excitement runs down my spine. It was early morning, almost dawn. The remnants of the over-night frost crunches beneath my feet as I walk gently across the field. There, stood before me, the wonder of my journey, is a hot a[ir] balloon, a towering multi-colored balloon that seems to reflect rainbows into the clear sky. The basket beneath it looks like it has been woven by corn fairies.

I don't recommend writing in the present tense. It seems unnatural for a narrator to be telling the reader a story as the story is taking place. For 1st person narratives you want to use what we call a "distance remembering narrator," a narrator who is telling us a story that took places hours, days or years in the past. It's preferable to tell a story that took place years ago because it would give the narrator time to gain perspective on the events that took place.

I can’t contain myself any longer, as I jump inside the basket, I know I will never forget this journey. As I leave the ground with a jolt, I wave, not to the strangers below me, but to the world I know and love.

I would like to see some more description of the setting. Setting is a major component of most fantasy stories and it plays a major role in letting the reader know the mood or the theme of the story.

You gave us some idea by describing the frost crunching beneath the narrator's feet, but what about the fir trees at the edge of the forest looming in the distance? What about the lights from the village twinkling like fallen stars in the valley below? The way you describe the setting will give the reader a much clearer idea of why your narrator wants to go on this journey.

Above the clouds is a new world, a world I had never seen before, a world with its own mysteries. I'm moving gently forward, over the wild and beautiful, unexplored world around me. I’m floating in silence, and breaking it up with every sound of my breath. Above me, there's nothing
but shimmery light, below me the place where I've come from and will go back to when I am done here. As I move through the air, the vapor from my breath travels upwards like cigarette smoke.

Not bad, but I wish you didn't jump directly to the flight. Describe the take off itself, describe the sound the fire makes as it fills the balloon with hot air, describe the sound of the ropes connecting the basket to the balloon as the tense up for lift off. Make the reader feel as if he or she is in the basket with your character.

The sun is rising, it shooting glacial beams of light up into the morning sky. The clouds turn pink, like sweet, fluffy candy floss. Then when the sun is in our view, the clouds are white, pearl white, like soft powdered snow on a winters day. The smell of the air is fresh, clear, cold. It tickles my nose.

These are good descriptions but this paragraph makes me wonder when this story is taking place. The time period is just as important as the place itself when it comes to understanding the story. When you revise try to address these questions early on so that the rest of the narrative can focus on the journey itself. Also, give us a clue as to what the age and gender of the narrator is. I suspect that the narrator is a fairly young girl but at this point I'm not sure.

I check the gas.

I guess this gives us some idea of how old the narrator is. But I would like to see more.

We are going down, back down to earth. I close my eyes again and try to reach the feeling of happiness I had felt a moment ago, but it is gone. I keep my eyes closed not wanting to see us leaving the magical world. We hit the ground with a sudden thud and I topple out the basket. I am lying on the cold, wet grass. I am back. My return was sudden. The wondrous journey is over, though it will stay with me forever. In my dreams at night, and in my thoughts during the day. The journey is part of my life now. It is part of me.

I'm confused about the "we" your narrator refers to in this paragraph. How many people are in this balloon with the narrator during this story.

Although I think you could go into a little more detail, I think your descriptions are on point. And there is a linear plot, albeit a very short one. The only major problem I had with this story is that there appears to be no conflict. I'd say that the lack of conflict categorizes this as more of a vignette rather than an actual story. But as a vignette it works well.

Leave a comment or a pm if you have any questions. And keep writing.

Hi, this story is cool. I loooove the way that you describe the hot air balloon. I don't really get why your main character wanted to go up in it in the first place though. Is it her life dream or something? Or just because she wanted to feel the freedom? Anyways, you might want to make that clearer. Overall it was cool.

Alzora

'Ello, ultraviolet here! <3

Okay, so first off, let me disagree with BadNarrator. Present tense is a totally legitimate tense to use, even in first person. Actually, it probably works best in first person because it helps to relay the feeling of "This is happening now and this is what I'm feeling now, not years later when all of the details and purest emotions have washed away." I'm probably a little biased 'cause I have a recent fascination in first person present tense and my current novel is that way, but some very good books are written that way. There is no right or wrong tense to use.

So, rant done, let me nitpick away!

It is early morning, almost dawn.

The remnants of the over-night frost crunches

I can’t contain myself any longer; as I jump inside the basket,

I’m floating in silence, and breaking it up with every sound of my breath.

Did you mean something like, "only breaking it up with the sound of my breath"? Because right now the second half of the sentence seems to contradict the first.

Above the clouds is a new world, a world I had never seen before, a world with its own mysteries. I'm moving gently forward, over the wild and beautiful, unexplored world around me. I’m floating in silence, and breaking it up with every sound of my breath. Above me, there's nothing
<-->
but shimmery light, below me the place where I've come from and will go back to when I am done here. As I move through the air, the vapor from my breath travels upwards like cigarette smoke.

You accidentally started a new paragraph. Fix this.

but shimmery light; below me, the place where I've come from

The sun is rising; it shoots glacial beams of light up into the morning sky.

My eyes are closed; only my ears are open.

my ears

You just said "my ears" (in the quote above, in fact) so I'd suggest changing this to something else; repetition like this gets boring and, if done enough, will make someone put down a book.

I keep my eyes closed, not wanting to see us leaving the magical world.

We hit the ground with a sudden thud

Did you mean "I"? Because up until now, no one else has been mentioned.

Okay, so for the most part this is good. You have some really nice descriptions, but I think you could have more. This is really short and ends kind of abruptly. I think that if you described certain things more - like how everything below looked from the air balloon, the people, the scenery - than it would lengthen it, and make it seem better paced.

Another thing I noticed was that you have a recurring problem with commas and semicolons. Here's a great little article that should help you. Commas vs. Semicolons.

loveness, ultraviolet <3

Hello there Youngwriter,
I liked this piece of work a lot. It was interesting and unique which I like. I found only small grammar errors that your reviewers before already pointed out. You described it well but I would suggest lengthing it as for the pace was quite fast. Overall I think you are a good writer and I can't wait to see more of your work. Keep writing!
Wicked <3