The Whimsical Wasp

Wrote this for an English assignment. I edited it once, but am too lazy to edit it again...whatev.
And oh, this is also a poem from one of my novels. The guy (who wrote it in the story) is deeply in distress...And his character obviously shows in the poem--annoying haha! He wanted another annoying person to disappear (talking bout tasting his own med), which, in the poem, apparently is yup--the wasp. )



THE WHIMSICAL WASP

A wee shadow crept on the tiles on the floor
Flowing with the flow of water
I looked up and saw to whom it belonged
To the whizzing wasp, of course

It fleetingly flew above the tiles
Repeating a bothersome journey
Blocking a spot of fluorescent white
It expressed its immutable agony

In dreadful thoughts of the army of the queen
It unsuccessfully plans to flee
It was stuck with me; I was stuck with it
In a space suffocating the silly sentry

I swear it stole a sting from me
Was it because of the foul smell?
Or was it because I stole its liberty?
I’ll take a stand and ring the bell

Now I sit on my throne with enmity
Feeling the venom veer down my venous vent
May I scream out my throbbing hostility?
Then in vain complain my pain?

Once I had a murdering thought—or maybe twice,
I wanted it dead
But the days it lives are too swift for me
Oh, it’ll soon naturally meet its bed

I know it dislikes me, more than I dislike it
And I will still try to endure
Endure the pain; enjoy the blame
I shall open the door soon

Though now I wish it has a whim
I know it has a whim in the past
And I call that whim a whimsical whim—the whimsical whim
Of the whimsical wasp

Oh, whimsical whim of the whimsical wasp
Please come back, oh please do
Why have you gone by too fast?
Come back with no further ado!
--------
Unsure of the setting? Click the spoiler. WARNING: Click at your own risk. Don't click if you get offended easily, or you have a weak gut.

Spoiler

The narrator is in the bathroom stuck with a wasp while pooping.

So now, tell me what you think it means. )

To everyone who is annoyed (which is apparently--everyone):
I'm always humorous writer. ) ...bwahahaha..

To silented1:
Oh yeah, and the last stanza, he wants the whim back, not the wasp...and the wasp didn't get to escape--yet.

THE WHIMSICAL WASP

A wee shadow crept on the tiles on the floor
Flowing with the flow of water Flow is kinda redundent.
I looked up and saw to whom it belonged
To the whizzing wasp, of course

It fleetingly flew above the tiles
Repeating a bothersome journey
Blocking a spot of fluorescent white
It expressed its immutable agony

In dreadful thoughts of the army of the queen It's kinda wordy. don't you think?
It unsuccessfully plans to flee Uncuccessfully throws the flow off, kinda.
It was stuck with me; I was stuck with it When did you decide to stick togeather? What is the meaning of it? And did you purposely not rhyme there? Flee to me. But instead you added the other line?
In a space suffocating the silly sentry

I swear it stole a sting from me
Was it because of the foul smell? The wasp stung you because you smell...?
Or was it because I stole its liberty?
I’ll take a stand and ring the bell Why would you ring a bell? To fight? And what's with the sudden rhyme. It seems kinda forced.

Now I sit on my throne with enmity
Feeling the venom veer down my venous vent venous vent...? Neck?
May I scream out my throbbing hostility?
Then in vain complain my pain? Okay, you're really killing the alliteration, big time.

Once I had a murdering thought—or maybe twice,
I wanted it dead
But the days it lives are too swift for meThe random rhyme again. Lovely, again, it's kind of weird to see it, I kinda can't tell if it's forced or not. You should stick to rhyming or not.
Oh, it’ll soon naturally meet its bed

I know it dislikes me, more than I dislike it Again, you're very wordy, you should make most of this poem like you had it in the first stanza. With imagery and similes and metaphors. It had a feel to it that I liked. Everything else seems to be a list of what is happening, which I cannot even follow too well.
And I will still try to endure
Endure the pain; enjoy the blame
I shall open the door soon What door? Where? Why is this so inconsistant with the rest of your poem? It's rather random and abrupt.

Though now I wish it has a whim
I know it has a whim in the past
And I call that whim a whimsical whim—the whimsical whim Good god, that was annoying. It didn't have a musical quality at all, it was more stumbling over the words, rather than singing them. Repeating words doesn't make it flow, but syllabels and the sounds of the words could really help make it into a more musical verse. Which is also random.
Of the whimsical wasp

Oh, whimsical whim of the whimsical wasp You kinda changed your tone.
Please come back, oh please do
Why have you gone by too fast?
Come back with no further ado! So you want the wasp to come back? What? I thought you wanted to kill it?

This was an annoying poem, then I read the spoiler and well, that's just awful. How were we supposed to know that it's a bathroom? I imagined the kitchen, atleast. You should really take out a lot of the repeated words, and unnessesary ones. Those would be all the adjectives and words that are OVER describing the situation and it just becomes rather tedius to read.
And I don't want to go back and re read that, so I will end it there. Sorry for giving you a lazy review.
Anyways, good luck, keep writing.
silented1.

I'm sorry to say this but I think this poem is a bit annoying. Try to read it out loud and you might find it's a little annoying.
Anyway write more because practice makes prefect.
Everyone can write if they try very hard.

Keep writing no matter what happens,

Alicia.

LOL...thanks for the reviews anyway.

Hey, Jash. Since you said in your notes before the poem that you were too lazy to edit again, I didn't see the point in giving you my typically in-depth shtick about grammar and punctuation and making things shine. In fact, this is a humorous, light poem that doesn't really demand the need to be taken seriously. However, there's something very crucial that I need to address, and it's a bothersome trick that I see in beginning poets (and sometimes weathered poets) all the time:

Or was it because I stole its liberty?
I’ll take a stand and ring the bell

For the sake of a rhyme and meter, here, you throw in a phrase that makes no sense whatsoever. Now, this is fine in elementary school, and maybe your English teacher thought it was cute and all, but I don't. I'm here to make you better, so this has to change. There was another instance just like this:

But the days it lives are too swift for me
Oh, it’ll soon naturally meet its bed

This isn't as bad as the first because it can be read into as "Oh, the wasp will die. Hurrayyyyy!" However, try, please, to think of a better way to say it.

All-in-all, it's funny at times, it's light, but it is poetry. Your meter was constant enough and your rhyme scheme was decent, so there's nothing to mention there. The other two reviewers called it annoying, but I disagree. I don't think anyone reading a poem entitled The Whimsical Wasp should expect anything serious. But that's just my opinion.

Please apply what I've mentioned and keep writing in the face of your worst critic.

-Lumi

Lumi wrote:Hey, Jash. Since you said in your notes before the poem that you were too lazy to edit again, I didn't see the point in giving you my typically in-depth shtick about grammar and punctuation and making things shine. In fact, this is a humorous, light poem that doesn't really demand the need to be taken seriously. However, there's something very crucial that I need to address, and it's a bothersome trick that I see in beginning poets (and sometimes weathered poets) all the time:

Or was it because I stole its liberty?
I’ll take a stand and ring the bell

For the sake of a rhyme and meter, here, you throw in a phrase that makes no sense whatsoever. Now, this is fine in elementary school, and maybe your English teacher thought it was cute and all, but I don't. I'm here to make you better, so this has to change. There was another instance just like this:

But the days it lives are too swift for me
Oh, it’ll soon naturally meet its bed

This isn't as bad as the first because it can be read into as "Oh, the wasp will die. Hurrayyyyy!" However, try, please, to think of a better way to say it.

All-in-all, it's funny at times, it's light, but it is poetry. Your meter was constant enough and your rhyme scheme was decent, so there's nothing to mention there. The other two reviewers called it annoying, but I disagree. I don't think anyone reading a poem entitled The Whimsical Wasp should expect anything serious. But that's just my opinion.

Please apply what I've mentioned and keep writing in the face of your worst critic.

-Lumi

Thank you very much for the review. I'll edit this and keep in mind what people think of it--apply what I think is right, ignore what I personally think is wrong.

I would just like to say that none of the lines in poetry are irrelevant. "Ring the bell" was very relevant. You see, the person couldn't see why the wasp has to sting him. Either of the possible reasons seemed "unfair". But I'll try to think of something better.

Thanks again for taking the time to review this. Have a nice day! /

Hello agian! So, to start of, there are many things I like about this, and also many things I think can be chaged to make this better... So, here goes, of to my nit-picking-party!

A wee shadow crept on the tiles on the floor << So, here I think you should change this to "the floor tiles" I think it helps with the flow.
Flowing with the flow of water you said "flowing" and "flow" WAY to close together here, change one or the other, with both it sounds like you just couldn't find another word, not to good...
I looked up and saw to whom it belonged
To the whizzing wasp, of course

So, I pointed out what I think can change, heres what I liked. I like this beginning, and I really like the last two lines.
Okay, so, this aplys to the WHOLE poem, I think you should add puncuation, you have question marks, but not other puncuation, this makes it harder to read.

It fleetingly flew above the tiles << Here I'm not sure how "fleetingly flew" sounds... Maybe consider rereading this aloud and desiding if it should change or not... I don't know.
Repeating a bothersome journey << This doesn't seem to fit. I mean, you say after that it is blocking out a spot in the light, and that is how it experses its agony, and if the setting is in a bathroom (Which I love by the) you would think that the wasp is just caught, waiting for the door to open agian, not that it has been there before...
Blocking a spot of fluorescent white
It expressed its immutable agony

Agian, I like the last two lines.

In dreadful thoughts of the army of the queen
It unsuccessfully plans to flee << So, here I think (my opinion, feel free to ignore it) is that you should take this out, and add something about, as I mensioned above, that it is stuck in the bathroom, and that, to anwser silented1's comment on the next line, is why the wasp is stuck with you, and you with it...
It was stuck with me; I was stuck with it
In a space suffocating the silly sentry << This word means, roughly, guard... I don't think it works here...

So, with a little fixing up, I think this would be a really good stanza. About the first comment above, you are saying that the wasp is thinking about trying to escape the gueen, but you don't go into it anywhere else in the poem, that is wh yI think you should change it, becuase what I suggested you change it to fits the poem better, in my opinion, like i said, you can ignore it if you wish.(:

I swear it stole a sting from me
Was it because of the foul smell?
Or was it because I stole its liberty? << so here I don't see how the reader stole its liberty, is it because it had to watch the dude do his bussiness???
I’ll take a stand and ring the bell << Here I understand that you are talking about the Liberty Bell, but why? is what I'm not seeing... Oh, well, maybe I'm slow today...

So, this is a good stanza, I just dont get the last two lines...

Now I sit on my throne with enmity
Feeling the venom veer down my venous vent << This I don't get at all... Not one bit...
May I scream out my throbbing hostility?
Then in vain complain my pain?

So I like this whole stanza, other then the pointed out, I like that you convayed your agrivation without strait out saying "Im agrivated" (pardon my spelling, I have no spellcheck what so ever, and am suck at spelling...) I like the third line, because it really shows how annoyed you are, I have been like that a lot, wanting to yell at something that is like that wasp.(:

Once I had a murdering thought—or maybe twice, << Okay, I abbsolutly love this line here! Like your pondering the fact.
I wanted it dead
But the days it lives are too swift for me
Oh, it’ll soon naturally meet its bed

So this is good, other then that the lines are choppy and that kinda messes up the flow, puncuation can help with that a little...

I know it dislikes me, more than I dislike it
And I will still try to endure << Here I think "but" would work better...
Endure the pain; enjoy the blame
I shall open the door soon << This I thing would sound better as "for soon I will open the door"

Love this stanza too, shows how your feelings have changed some what trouds the wasp. (Also ties i to what i mensioned earlier about stanza three.

Though now I wish it has a whim
I know it has a whim in the past << Should be "had"
And I call that whim a whimsical whim—
[color=#0000FF]the whimsical whim of the whimsical wasp << This I think should be moved down here, to help the flow.

This is my second favroite part of the poem.

Oh, whimsical whim of the whimsical wasp
Please come back, oh please do
Why have you gone by too fast?
Come back with no further ado!

I guess this is a good ending, works well, but I don't see why you want the wasp to come back if it was so annoying. Oh well...

So, Over all, I like this poem, with some changes and fixes it will be wonderful! Also, I think it would help jsut a bit to mension the setting in the body of the poem, I get that it is in a bathroom, but only because of the spioler, with out it, we would have to guess, which if we guess wrong, takes away from the whole poem...

Hope this helps, sorry it was so long, I just had a lot to say,

~Rain~