A Small Dog's Major Problem (Edit)

“I never liked my name,” I said in a low voice as I paced back and forth. I could even feel the tip of the fresh green grass tickling my body.

It was the first Sunday of October. I felt my hair stood straight when the cool wind hit my brown coat. Looking up, the glowing yellow circle above me glimmered; its bright color stood out in the blue sky and reflected against the river. Children’s squeaky laughter, birds chirping, dogs barking and mothers giggling filled the atmosphere.

“Why would you hate your name?” The sudden sound made me flinch. I turned back quickly to the direction of the voice, with my ears erected. Yep, I was hoping that I looked fierce.

“Who are you?” I showed my two pointy teeth and gave out a low growl, thinking I could scare away the stranger.

“Oh hello there, Chihuahua. I’m Noah,” the stranger replied and scratched his ear using his back paw, when a yellow butterfly landed at the tip of his ear.

My head angled upward as I inspected the big stranger in front of me, from paws to head. He was twice as big as me and his jaws looked so strong but his mouth gave a playful smile. Oh boy… he was too big for a Chihuahua like me to fight against with.

“What is your name? I want us to be friends.”

He wished. His question was not so friendly and it really irritated my ears. I could feel my jaws clenching and my eyes narrowing towards him.

Ignoring him, I walked away.

I was so annoyed. I mean, I didn’t like my name, and now a stupid old dog brought up the subject. He was like reminding me of how freaky and unacceptable my name was.

“So, what is your name again?” Noah asked again. And this time I really wanted to eat and chew his whole furry body when I smelled him again.

“I really hate it. That’s why I couldn’t even tell you.” It was hard for me now to control my temper.

“What is wrong with it anyway? You should be proud, you know. You know that Paris Hilton? She owns a Chihuahua.”

“ I hate my name.”

“You technically did not answer my question.”

“It’s—“ before I could even finish my sentence, Noah interrupted me. He looked like he was almost laughing, “Is your name… Taco Bell?”

I didn’t say anything, because I imagined him yelping for help on the river. A great satisfaction that would be, for me.

“Caroline? Wait. You are a boy. Perhaps… Lightning?”

I shook my head. He was really getting on my nerves. I wanted to run away from him, but he was just like the people who kept on bugging a famous public personality that my master liked.

“Gringo?”

My tail wiggling with anger.

“Tinkerbell! Oh, Tinker bell! I have a doggy treat here for you.”

My master was a tall blonde woman, and she came across us, with her short curly hair waving like a flag. She displayed to me a tiny bone-shaped treat in her right hand and a pink bag in the other. Looking at the dog treat, I could feel my stomach lurching.

“Oh. You made a new friend, Tinker Bell.”

Hearing the word “friend”, I turned my eyes at Noah, embarrassed.

“Your master must be an avid fan of Paris Hilton. Just look at her Gucci bag.” He pointed the bag my master was holding with his wet nose.

Few seconds later, I heaved a sigh and was carried by my master. With few feet away now from Noah, I could hear him snicker. Maybe he was going to tell his friends about me and my horrible name.

That probably was the worst day of my life.

Spoiler

Hello guys. I thank you for reading this. Please leave a comment, nitpicks, suggestion or you can freely rip this apart. And if you're probably wondering, this if for Skins' contest. The contest is to start a story that beings with the line, "I never liked my name." Thank again and hope you like it.

Hey!

First off I have to say that I love the concept of this. Dogs having a conversation = bound to be awesome. I do think that there are a few things you could change that would make this a lot clearer though.

“I never liked my name.”

You don't actually say who says this, which means that the conversation that follows is quite confusing and it's difficult to tell who's who.

The sudden sound cringed the dog

I'm pretty sure cringe is usually used as an action that someone that someone does, as opposed to something that can be done to someone, if that makes any sense. I would suggest going with "made the dog cringe".

its bright color stood out the blue sky.

To me this sounds funny somehow. I think "stood out against the blue sky" would make more sense.

annoyed both the ears of the small dog.

Can ears be annoyed? They're kinda parts of the whole, so while the dog could be annoyed, it's a little odd to say that the ears themselves were. Also, it seems unnecessary to me to say "both ears" because it's not like the sound would only reach one of the ears.

Who are you?” The dog glared at the golden Labrador retriever in front of him.

“Hello there. I am Noah,” the dog paused and asked, “What is your name ?”

These dogs seem oddly formal. The whole conversation comes across as quite stilted to be honest. Even if they're not human, it would still be better with natural-sounding dialogue.

Also, this referring to both of them as "the dog" makes it hard to tell who's who, because seeing as they're both dogs it makes it impossible to distinguish who's speaking. I think if you referred to them by their breed right fron the beginning it would make it easier to follow.

a dog that seemed to fit in Paris Hilton’s pink Gucci bag.

I'm guessing this is a simile - unless Paris Hilton is the tall blonde woman? But if it is you might want to change it to "a dog that was so small it could've fitted in Paris Hilton's bag" or something along those lines. Using "seemed" makes it sound like the dog looks as if it's inside a bag, when in reality it's not, which sounds pretty odd.

The Chihuahua showed its two pointy teeth under his wet lips.

Its or his? You use both here.

So, overall, this was cute and funny but I think you could do more with it. I mean, talking dogs! You've got these two very different types of dogs with the down to earth labrador and the spoilt, pampered chihuahua - you could base the personality on the breed of dog and show the contrast between them and their outlook on life. There is a bit of characterisation with the "burning eyes" of the chihuahua suggesting that underneath the cutesy tiny dog there's all this pent up anger but I'm sure you could make more out of this aspect. And then there's the 'sheltered dog has a moment of real life before his owner drags him away' route you could go down as well. There are loads of paths you could take with this story, but I think you need to expand it or something because as it is it falls a bit flat. Making the dialogue sound more natural - more doggish, maybe? - would help a lot as well.

PM me if you have any questions or anything, and good luck with the contest!

This is ok, it's a little boring in my opinion. I don't know why the little dog doesn't like his name so much? It's ok. It's not like he was named fluffy or anything. Also, which dogs POV is this from?

Hey Yuri!
Pink here, yo!
It's about time I pay you back, eh? lol

Nitpicks/comments

“Neither do I.” The sudden sound cringed the dog, that made its small pointy ears erect.

I think this sentence can be shortened.
"Neither do I." The sudden sound cringed the dog, making its small pointy ears erect.

The glowing sun glimmered above, its bright color stood out the blue sky.

*Stood out in the blue sky.

Children’s laughter, birds chirping, dogs barking and mothers giggling annoyed both the ears of the small dog.

I find the lat bit kind of like baggage. I mean, I don't think you need to mention how the sound annoyed both ears. It's kind of a given, no?

“Hello there. I am Noah,” the dog paused and asked, “What is your name ?”

I think you can change 'and' for 'then'. Suggestion.

“Did you know Parish Hilton has a Chihuahua?”

lol I think you meant *Paris.

Overall, I'm not going to nitpick too much since Kits has already gotten to the most of it. Sorry, if I repeated anything, I didn't really read her review, just skimmed it
Anyway, there are three points that I'd like to mention here. First one would be your use of its vs. him. I noticed that during your dialogue, I had a hard time figuring out which dog was saying what. Because you use 'the dog said this' and 'it did this' it becomes difficult. See, if you use names instead, we definietly know who's talking but using such vague descriptions like that makes it hard to keep track. I suggest writing in their names instead of it's or him.
Next, I'm not quite sure what the main conflict is here. If there is even a conflict at all. What was the problem? Was it because the dog didn't want to say his name? I don't get it...Maybe you should have mentioned what the contest was about...

Anyway, one more thing, as Kit already explained, you have talking dogs! Super awesome! So, it would have been nice if you elaborated more on that. Two dogs, completely different background and attitude. With that being said, I wish you could have added some more dialogue or action to this. Right now, it's just a cute story, well it actually isn't a story, it's more like a scene. A story is supposed to have a beginning a middle and an end. This doesn't
If it does, then maybe I'm missing something. It seemed to be lingering around the name but I can't put it together...
*Thinks*

Why does he hate his name? Victory is a nice name, but you never really explained why it ticks the dog off so much. And the tall blond in the end, was that really Paris Hilton? :/
Also, why did he smirk in the end? Was it because he was Paris's chihuahua? Or something about the name?
In the end, I think you could have made this a bit longer and perhaps more dog-like. Explained a few more things and I really think you could have deepened the descriptions of your dogs more. I would have loved reading more about them, perhaps some weird aspects? You know some people are crazy and like to dress their dogs up? lol Anyway, it was cute.
PM me if you need anything

~Shear

Hey Yuriiko!

Basically, I think the other guys are right. It's cute, but it doesn't have any substance. I think it would be funnier if you included some more conflict. Maybe the chihuahua tries to eat the lab when the lab gets close or something... that sounds kind of awful, actually, lol. But put some more action and have the chihuahua fight a little more!

Also... what's wrong with Victory? I don't get it.

Thank you very much guys.

Hey Yuri, here as requested.

Your story's off to an okay start, but you're getting bogged down by some unnecessary details, some awkward lines and the absence of any real conflict or tension.

Right from the start, the description feels useless.

I said in a low voice as I paced back and forth against the soil ground. I could even feel the tip of the fresh green grass tickling my body.

Do we need to know the ground is soil? I think you could remove the "against the soil ground" bit without hurting the story, but instead making that first sentence lighter. Your first line should be a hook to pull the reader in, and that sort of extra, irrelevant details sets you off in bad way.

It was the first Sunday of October and the cool wind swayed about the old oak tree, together with dried leaves. Looking up, the glowing sun glimmered above; its bright color stood out in the blue sky and reflected against the crystal-clear river. Children’s laughter, birds chirping, dogs barking and mothers giggling filled the atmosphere.

A bit of the same problem here. Does this have any relevance to the rest of the story? Sure, it sets the scene, but 1. this could be done much more briefly, and 2. if you want to keep it, please change the imagery to something a little less cookie-cut? "Crystal-clear river" and "the cool wind" and "glowing sun" are just too bland and overdone.

made me flinched

Should be flinch. Keep an eye out for the typos.

with my ears stood erect and my two front paws clawed on the ground. Yep, I was hoping that I looked fierce.

The first part of that with the ears and paws reads very awkwardly. I'd say remove the "stood" from "stood erect", and fix the part with the claws or remove it entirely, because it sounds strange: dogs can't retract their claws, which nulls the first image I get of this, and it just doesn't fit. (also, what of the italicized "yep"?)

Two pointy teeth showed under my wet lips and I gave out a low growl, thinking if I could scare away the stranger.

"Wet lips" just sounds strange, and you don't really need it. Take it out. Last part of that sentence also sounds like a sentence fragment instead of a finished thought. Maybe remove the "if" or finish your sentence.

“Oh hello there, Chihuahua. I’m Noah, a golden Labrador retriever,”

This may be just me, but the exposition here is too brutal. It's like you're saying "Hey reader, they're DOGS and that's what breeds they are!" For one, it sounds weird they'd introduce themselves by breed in addition to names. They're both dogs, unless they'd attribute some sort of importance to breed (none of which I can see here, aside from the physical differences), then it'd be like addressing people by ethnicity. Try being a little more subtle here, maybe just describe both dogs in ways that show us what they are instead of bludgeoning us with the fact. Heck, even the paragraph you've got after this one is fine. Maybe if you just fixed that dialogue line and kept going, it'd work.

His height was like twice than mine, jaws looked so strong but his mouth gave a playful smile.

More awkward wording. "He was twice as big as me" is simple but flows a lot more smoothly. "His jaws": I don't see why you've dropped the pronoun. Keep it. You've got that issue several times through the story (just the very next paragraph, for example, where you dropped a "my" before eyes).

His question was so not a good line for an introduction and it irritated my ear a hundred percent.

This sounds a lot too informal, and not even that much like something you would say. Reword it so it sounds more coherent.

The hot air like from a running train went out from both of my ears and I swore my heart was beating fast,

That is one strange simile you've got here (would the dog know what a running train feels like, I wonder?), and it flows off iffy as well. Fix.

And this time I really wanted to eat and chew his whole wrinkled body, when I smelled his odd fragrance.

Since when do labs have wrinkles? And what's that "odd fragrance" you're talking about? Try to be coherent and cohesive in your descriptions, or it's hard to take you seriously.

His smile almost like laughing

Veeery clunky simile. "He looked like he was almost laughing", or something, but not "his smile almost like laughing".

I wanted to run away from him but he was acting like a ghost.

Acting like a ghost how? By being scary, by moaning, by floating around, by hovering, by being persistent, a pest? Don't use a simile when the meaning isn't clear, or you're destroying the whole image.

which appeared to be my master.

This is going to sound nitpicky, but. You're writing from the Chihuahua's perspective. He knows she's his mistress, so that "appeared" can be cut off.

Looking at the dog treat, I could sense that my stomach hungers for it.

That should be "hungered", and I think it sounds too heavy. There are easier, less convoluted ways to talk about hunger. Use them.

That's for the nitpicking/details. For the story itself, as the reviewers before me have said, it's lacking in conflict. You've got the hint of it in the fact that the lab keeps prodding and the chihuahua doesn't like it, but then it fizzles off and nothing, really, has happened. Notch the tension up a bit, and then maybe you'll hook the reader in.

Hope this helps. PM me if there's anything :P

Jag

Hey there! Since so many people have been here and given such thorough reviews, I'm only going to add one more thing. Sometimes, your words fall kind of awkwardly - like in your phrasing and flow and stuff. It might help you out a bit to read out loud to yourself. If your tongue gets tied or you stumble over some things, then when a reader is reading it - they may stumble too and that throws them out of the story. ...I really hope that makes sense.
Anyway, hope this helps!