Missing Italian Sands

Memories of Italy.... sorry for flooding the forums. Sick at home and writing altogether too much.




We collected glass bottles
of sunshine and seawater-
Roman sunshine and seawater-
and sand stuck in the bottle labels,
declaring its history of blueberry and banana juice,
and sought refuge under the screw-on lid,
which would fall out back at the hostel,
much to my roommates’ annoyance.
I dropped a piece of shell in,
broken and jagged,
ribbed line interesting on the pads of my fingers,
as long as I didn’t catch them on the dangerous ends.

I bought my heart shaped glasses
from some vendor,
hawking his wares among our peace,
and somewhat regretted encouraging him,
but felt that my bright yellow eye protection might be worth it,
especially when they were only a couple of euros.

We tramped along the shore,
watching the others jumping through the waves and laughing,
arms stroking in and out of the water,
almost like the waves themselves.
I’d gone in for a few moments,
but found the dark teal waters too cold
for my particular liking
when I was too impatient to wait and adjust.

So we laughed on the sands,
and searched for seashells,
dodging the frisbee throwers,
reckless with their aim,
too distracted by giggling to throw it
and actually get it to one another.
We found mostly fragments,
but occasionally a cry of triumph would mark
the discovery of some shiny treasure,
whole and unbroken.
They found plastic bags as their new home,
and though we were unsure how exactly
we would get them back home
without them breaking, we were sure that we would try.

We left after laying in the sun for hours,
hurriedly pulling clothes over still-wet
bathing suits,
dreading the time when the salt and water seeped through,
leaving us cold despite the warm Italian sun.
We’d gone swimming in the waters
until our skin mimicked raisins
in all their wrinkly glory,
but when our teachers called us away from them,
to a nearby restaurant with watery soup
and overcooked hamburgers,
too small to actually handle such a
large group as ours,
I looked back and missed the sands already.

Spoiler

Is the flow smooth enough? Is everything easy to follow?
It's so much easier writing objectively- I know when I'm making sense to other people. Generally. c:
I might add onto this later- lots of memories I skipped.

Thanks for reading!

We’d gone swimming in the waters
until our skin mimicked raisins
This was my absolute favorite
I could be reading it wrong in my head, but something seems a little off, so it doesn't run as smoothly as it should. Right now it's a bit like you just wrote regular sentences and cut them off at the commas. Also, maybe a little bit of detail describing stuff - the glass on the beach was a great example This part especially:
ribbed line interesting on the pads of my fingers,
as long as I didn’t catch them on the dangerous ends.
I'd bet you could even turn this into a prose piece if you wanted ^_^ The content is beautiful. There are bits and pieces that I really, really like, such as the aforementioned raisins bit, and the part about seashells.
The line "whole, and unbroken" has a nice ring to it but whole and unbroken are exactly the same thing, so...maybe change it? Maybe not. It still sounds nice.

First of all - good job! The poem itself is beautiful and paints a lovely picture. My criticisms will be extremely nitpicky, but bear with me. They're really quite small

of sunshine and seawater-
Roman sunshine and seawater-

I think you could do better than to repeat the phrase. I see what you're trying to do, but it sounds heavy and unnecessary.

for my particular liking
when I was too impatient to wait and adjust

This sounds really prose-ish and forced - I think you could say this more poetically and it would flow better with the rest of the poem.

We left after laying in the sun for hours,
hurriedly pulling clothes over still-wet
bathing suits,
dreading the time when the salt and water seeped through,
leaving us cold despite the warm Italian sun.

The present participles get tiring - I reccommend splitting this into multiple sentences.

Hope this all helps!
- Liz

Oh my gosh!! This is wonderful, darling; absolutely wonderful! (How is it that all your stuff seems to fall into that category???) Wow, I really can't find anything wrong with it; the imagery and emotions and little tiny details were all beautiful. One nitpick: in the last stanza, "laying" should probably be "lying."

I loved it! Bravo!!!

Hi I had some little criticisms but they have already been said above. It was an enjoyable poem to read and I must say that I like the way you describe e.g.

We tramped along the shore,
watching the others jumping through the waves and laughing,
arms stroking in and out of the water,
almost like the waves themselves.
I’d gone in for a few moments,
but found the dark teal waters too cold
for my particular liking
when I was too impatient to wait and adjust.

We left after laying in the sun for hours,
hurriedly pulling clothes over still-wet
bathing suits,
dreading the time when the salt and water seeped through,
leaving us cold despite the warm Italian sun.
We’d gone swimming in the waters
until our skin mimicked raisins
in all their wrinkly glory ...

Nice work

Hello! Well, the reviews is pretty much covered. I just want to say I really enjoyed reading it. The poem is beautiful and paints a lovely picture. It's wonderful and I like the way you describe it. Keep writing because I want to read more of your writings.

Keep writing,

Alicia.