A Brief Confession

Can the ocean ever deny the waves?

Or the heavens deny the soul they save?

May the stars ever deny the sky?

Or the tear ever deny the eye?



Or I deny the glitter in your eyes?

That carries me further than the seven skies.



That smile, like stars falling from a sapphire sky.

All those wonders, all that beauty I find in you!

You've captured my soul and that's no lie,

To have you so close, the impossible I would do.



I'll take a chance, life's a wishing star,

For I have no more than one heart to lose.

The nights seem sinister when you're so far,

Between life and your love, it's love that I choose.

Grammar first
It should be "Or the heavens ever deny the soul THEY save?" or you could do "Or heaven ever deny the soul it saves?"
"Saphire" and "whishing" are spelled sapphire and wishing
The rhythm in the first two stanzas is great, but the last two seem a little bit off. I think it's the last line of each of the last two stanzas.
To have you so close, it's the impossible I would do.
You could omit "it's" and then the line would fit a bit better.

Between life and your love, it's you whom I choose.
You could use "it's love I choose" instead of "it's you whom I choose" and that would also make it fit better.
Overall it's pretty, and touching Great images going on there, especially in the first two stanzas.

Thank you, your comments are very much appreciated. I shall see what changes I can do to make this piece better. Thank you again for your time.

foxy wrote:Can the ocean ever deny the waves?

Or the heavens all the other times you say 'ever' here deny the soul they save?

You have an unneeded space I will mark the rest of these with a green first letter, but I have a feeling you meant it to be this way...May the stars ever deny the sky?

Or the tear ever deny the eye?



Or I deny the glitter in your eyes? I don't like how you say 'or' and 'eye' in one line right after the other.

That carries me further than the seven skies.



That smile, like stars falling from a sapphire sky. I don't like how you say 'sky' two times in a row as a end rhyme.

All those wonders, all that beauty I find in you!

You've captured my soul and that's no lie, This rhyme seems really forced. It sounds like you stopped to think of this and when you finally thought of something you used it without thinking. A good place to find rhymes when you are stuck is Rhyme Zone.

To have you so close, the impossible I would do.



I'll take a chance, life's a wishing star,

For I have no more than one heart to lose. This line makes me think "I don't want to give

The nights seem sinister when you're so far,

Between life and your love, it's love that I choose. I would take 'that' out.

O.K. besides those general comments I don't have much to say. Your repetition worked really well here, but it kind of dwindled off. It did make a good start though. I like the rhythm and flow of the poem.

Hope I helped,

A. S.

Yes you did help, thank you for your time. I believe that you can never seek perfection or a flawless piece unless you are directed over and over.