Silver Rose

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Here's a story I wrote, I'd like some criticism and or tips on it. Sorry if this is in the wrong spot, I'm new here.. :)


The clouds floated past the airship Silver Rose with surprising grace for the immense speed. She was a classy first-class transport, her halls decorated with minute detail, lighting positioned in a way that would not only calm her passengers but keep crew alert through the dangerous skies. Powerful engines kept their pace, peacefully humming away thirty feet below where I stood on external maintenance deck C-9. The security camera here was conveniently broken.

This is it, I thought as klaxons welded and bolted throughout the enormous ship's silver-painted hull sounded their alert as a forever descending and rising scream. I imagined the mechanics, passengers, all humanity aboard the Silver Rose as each individual stopped whatever it was they were doing to turn and look silently at the closest siren that blazed. Then, the halls would become hazardous to any wondering passenger as crew hurried to their stations, stomping feet propelling bodies to their destinations. The ship would go into automatic lock-down, as if it would make a difference.

And not one of them knew why. Of course, I set the alarm on a timer. The perfect distraction. Thirty minutes, and the bomb would detonate. I turned as the door to the deck opened, and leaning in the doorway was Mechanic Roger.

"Dan? What're you doin' out here?" I smiled.

"Just getting some air." I looked up to the siren mounted above the doorway. "What's going on?"

"Not sure," he shouted over the noise. "Captain wants all engi's and mech's in the cafeteria." I sighed. Of all the places to be when you die.

"With the passengers?" He nodded solemly. "Damn."

"Yeah, man." I walked past him through the doorway, which he closed after me. "Shouldn't be for long, though."

The Silver Rose was truly a magnificent airship, and I loathed destroying its legend. It had to be, though, or else it would be hijacked in a week, weather permitting, to be wrecked into the capital. It wasn't my first choice of action, I tried warnings too. Nobody listens anymore. It was for the best, I suppose.

I poured my juice at the table of free drinks for passengers. I took a sip of the spiked beverage before raising my head to meet eyes with the most unexpected person I could ever have thought of meeting at that moment and time.

"Rose." She didn't seem too surprised.

"Dan? What's going on?" I put the drink down in shock before grasping her warm shoulder, running my thumb along her beautiful neck. This is real. You're about to kill your wife.

"What - what are you doing here?" She frowned disapprovingly.

"I thought I'd bring Christopher on his first ride on an airship. I figured it would be a good chance to see you, the both of us."

"Oh, no." I cupped my face in despair. "You brought Chris?" My fears were confirmed when something light tugged on my left pant leg.

"Daddy." I lifted the small childed up to my face, feeling the immense love for this thing that I had created. My child. I looked to Rose.

"Our child," I corrected myself verbally.

"Yes," she said, confused. "Our child." She stepped closer, her eyes showing sudden concern. "What's wrong, Dan? You're - you're crying!" For my country or the ones that I loved? I had already made the decision.

"Listen, Rose." I wiped the tears from my face. "You're going to have to forgive me for this, maybe not now, but some day." I hugged my boy with one arm, with the other I held her. "I love you both, very much. Remember that, if anything."

I put Christopher down, took my drink from the table, and swiftly disappeared into the crowed. I downed the alcohol-laden drink quickly, ignoring her cries. Rose's and the ship's. It wasn't long before I made my way to the guarded door of the cafeteria. I knew the man, and he let me past with nothing more than a curt nod.

Once in the engine room, I found the bomb that I had planted only hours before. A small unlabeled box with a timer, and on one side, a set of four numbered buttons. The bomb could not be stopped, only set off prematurely, at the time set, or delayed. It had under a minute left, not enough time to get it to deck C-9 and throw it overboard.

I ran down the catwalk, at which was empty due to lock-down. I engaged the delay on the bomb when it had ten seconds left, a dead-man's switch that consisted of pushing the buttons one,three, and four simultaneously. Once one of the buttons was released, the bomb would detonate. It was beginning to grow heavy in my arms and I prayed that it didn't slip. Lives were always in your balance, now more than ever.

On the deck sooner that I expected, I held the bomb tightly to my chest in the wind, three fingers pushed firmly on the required buttons. I couldn't simply throw it overboard, I knew it would detonate the second I loosened my grip on the buttons, most likely splitting the enormous ship at its seems, if not setting it ablaze. And so, without a second thought, I jumped.

The wind rushed past, condensation forming on every exposed surface of skin. I looked up to the silver airship above, as it slowly shrunk in visible size. It road the same wind I fell in, I thought humorlessly.

"For you, my love," and I relaxed my hand, stretching both arms out to each side just before feeling the sudden warmth of fire, and all was gone.
"Life cannot give you serenity, but by the same token it cannot take it away."




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Hey it's me. :) Glad you joined.
Anyway I know I just told you this, but this story is really good. I'm jealous. I wish I could write this well.
You have a really good balance of dialogue, descriptions, and the main characters thoughts. In general, it has a good feel to it; I like the idea of him sacrificing himself for his family. It's really sweet.
So, overall, this is just awesome. I don't know what else to say. :)
PM me when you post other stuff and I'll read it.

~Amylith
If you fail to practice your art, it will soon disappear ~ German saying.

Some people just deserve to get tazed ~ Andy




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Thanks Amanda, I appreciate your support :) . You're very good yourself, don't forget. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Oh, and actually I think I wrote this after I broke up with my ex. I write better when I'm upset, haha. I think I get the balance of descriptions and dialog from reading The Company of Others by Julie E. Czerneda. It's an amazing book, I've read it six times now. I could lend it to you, it's kind of hard to find(unless you buy it online). :)


And, I'll be sure to PM you when I post something. I have quite a bit more to post. :D


~Devon.
Last edited by condirant on Sun Oct 03, 2010 4:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Life cannot give you serenity, but by the same token it cannot take it away."




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*Moved to General Fiction!*
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




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I love these selfless acts, hero dies stories. This made me feel like the man. Amazing.
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart."
-J.R.R. Tolkien




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Snoink wrote:*Moved to General Fiction!*


Thanks. :)
"Life cannot give you serenity, but by the same token it cannot take it away."




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Hi Condi, Pink here.
I'll be reviewing this piece for you today ;)
But first...welcome to YWS! Hope you like it here :]
Oh, and I give penguins to new members, so here you go!
Image


Nitpicks/comments

The clouds floated past the airship Silver Rose with surprising grace for the immense speed.

I like the use of air ship here, it's not the best opening sentence but that word makes us curious. Well, to me anyways.
One slight nitpick, I can be quite picky sometimes, just to warn you. But I think this sentence is a bit odd. I think you were trying to cramp too many things in there, like the name of the ship, you could have saved that for later. But it's your call.
This is it, I thought as klaxons welded and bolted throughout the enormous ship's silver-painted hull sounded their alert as a forever descending and rising scream.

This sentence also seems stuffed. May I suggest you chop them up a little. Here, I'll even let you borrow my knife. :3
Don't be afraid of short sentences, either. They can be powerful too.
Also, I think you should put this thoughts in italics. As in:
This is it, I thought. Klaxons welded and bolted throughout the ship's silver-painted hull, sounding their alert like a forever descending and rising scream.
That is how I would write it.
Also, why do you describe klaxon as welded? I don't understand because klaxon is a type of horn and welding means to join materials together.
"Just getting some air." I looked up to the siren mounted above the doorway. "What's going on?"

I think you should start a new line after I looked up.
I suggest making new lines every time a new character is speaking, or when a different character is creating some sort of action. For example, I bolded the action part.
See, I was confused who was speaking at first. I think it was Dan who said the first line and your protagonist who said the second. I had to do a double take here :P

**I noticed it wasn't just this sentence, most of your dialogue consists of the same problem. I would work on that.

"Listen, Rose." I wiped the tears from my face. "You're going to have to forgive me for this, maybe not now, but some day." I hugged my boy with one arm, with the other I held her. "I love you both, very much. Remember that, if anything."

Seriously? Ugh.
I mean, why didn't she tell him they were on?
I put Christopher down, took my drink from the table, and swiftly disappeared into the crowed.

*crowd. If you're going to use crowed I suggest saying what. Into the crowed room? cafeteria, etc.
"For you, my love," and I relaxed my hand, stretching both arms out to each side just before feeling the sudden warmth of fire, and all was gone.

Period after love. I think you might need to brush up on your quotation rules a little.
"For you, my love." I relaxed my hand,...
"For you, my love,"I whispered, relaxing my hand...
etc, etc
On my second note, I think you could have made the ending a little more powerful. Use stronger descriptions to really bring it out with bang.

Overall
Quite interesting, by far. The idea of sacrificing yourself for love has been done but I can never get enough of it. It's beautiful and people can do this, it's possible. Now, my main critique for this part is why he chose to blow up the ship in the first place. I mean, I know you mentioned something about it earlier but in all honestly, it was vague and I didn't understand where you were going with it.
The Silver Rose was truly a magnificent airship, and I loathed destroying its legend. It had to be, though, or else it would be hijacked in a week, weather permitting, to be wrecked into the capital. It wasn't my first choice of action, I tried warnings too. Nobody listens anymore. It was for the best, I suppose.

I have no idea what he's talking about. Is it just me? Am I missing something? Will you explain it?
Nonetheless, we need to know why he would do such a drastic thing. Killing people is easier said than done, so his mindset must be faultless. A killer kills for a reason. What is his reason? This small paragraph you have here isn't enough to justify the action he was going to take.

Also, it's unbelievable that his wife and child was on the ship at the time without him knowing. I mean, shouldn't she have told him something? If it was a surprise, there should have been a little, "hey! Check it out, we're here!" Kinda thing. Also, I wish you could have gotten deep with the characters here. Sure we understand that's his family but the scene itself was short. I'm just saying I wish I had more so I could really feel for the family, then the idea of this could have hit me harder.

As far as grammar and punctuation goes, I think you might needs to take a step back and review some basic comma rules and such. Remember to start new lines every time a new character is speaking, otherwise we get confused to who is talking to who. You descriptions were nice, but there were a few lines that I couldn't get or picture. Anyways, other than that, I don't really have anything else to say. It was a nice story, overall. I liked the idea and the ending was bittersweet. I'm glad he decided to just kill himself than hurt all those innocent people.
Anyway, if you have any questions or anything, you're free to PM me.
Hope this review helped, see you around,

~Shear
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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The clouds floated past the airship Silver Rose with surprising grace for the immense speed. She was a classy first-class transport(The word 'class' was mentioned twice. Maybe exchange it with 'luxurious' or another word), her halls decorated with minute detail, lighting positioned in a way that would not only calm her passengers but keep crew alert through the dangerous skies. Powerful engines kept their pace, peacefully humming away thirty feet below where I stood on external maintenance deck C-9. The security camera here was conveniently broken.

This is it, I thought as klaxons welded and bolted throughout the enormous ship's silver-painted hull sounded their alert as a forever descending and rising scream (This one is obviously crowded and that might lose your reader's attention. Also, notice how most of the words there are with the letter 'S' and that makes the reader concentrate in the unnecessary rhythm caused by the letters and not the meaning.) . I imagined the mechanics, passengers, all humanity aboard the Silver Rose as each individual stopped whatever it was they were doing (Personally, I never like reading the word 'whatever' in a novel, because it let me drop my imagination, not exactly seeing what they passengers are doing. So maybe 'They stopped what they were doing'? )they were doing to turn and look silently at the closest siren that blazed ('The closest blazing siren' might be better, because the word 'that' sort of cuts the flow of the sentence). Then, the halls would become hazardous to any wondering passenger as crew hurried to their stations, stomping feet propelling bodies to their destinations. The ship would go into automatic lock-down, as if it would make a difference. (I like this sentence, a lot. We got to see what you think about the situation)

And not one of them knew why. Of course, I set the alarm on a timer. The perfect distraction. Thirty minutes, and the bomb would detonate. I turned as the door to the deck opened, and leaning in the doorway was Mechanic Roger.

"Dan? What're you doin' out here?" Isn't Roger the one who asked that question? If so, then you should put the word 'I smiled' in a new paragraph, along with the next one and say: I smiled and said, 'Just getting....)I smiled.

"Just getting some air." I looked up to the siren mounted above the doorway. "What's going on?"

"Not sure," he shouted over the noise. "Captain wants all engi's and mech's in the cafeteria." (Again, new paragraph. This will confuse you readers, have them go back and forth to see who's talking)I sighed. Of all the places to be when you die.

"With the passengers?" He nodded solemly. "Damn."

"Yeah, man." I walked past him through the doorway, which he closed after me. "Shouldn't be for long, though."

The Silver Rose was truly a magnificent airship, and I loathed destroying its legend. It had to be, though, or else it would be hijacked in a week, weather permitting, to be wrecked into the capital. It wasn't my first choice of action, I tried warnings too. Nobody listens anymore. It was for the best, I suppose. (Three very short sentences back to back. If you like, merge the first and the second: It wasn't my first choice of action, I tried warnings too, but nobody listened)

I poured my juice at the table of free drinks for passengers. I took a sip of the spiked beverage before raising my head to meet eyes with the most unexpected person I could ever have thought of meeting at that moment and time.

"Rose." (Don't forget to make a new paragraph here and do the same with every other quotation and change of characters)She didn't seem too surprised.

"Dan? What's going on?" I put the drink down in shock before grasping her warm shoulder, running my thumb along her beautiful neck. This is real. You're about to kill your wife. (Whoa! I liked this one)

"What - what are you doing here?" She frowned disapprovingly.

"I thought I'd bring Christopher on his first ride on an airship. I figured it would be a good chance to see you, the both of us."

"Oh, no." I cupped my face in despair. "You brought Chris?" My fears were confirmed when something light tugged on my left pant leg.

"Daddy." I lifted the small childed (child)up to my face, feeling the immense love for this thing that I had created. My child. I looked to Rose. (I like the emotion here)

"Our child," I corrected myself verbally.

"Yes," she said, confused. "Our child." She stepped closer, her eyes showing sudden concern. "What's wrong, Dan? You're - you're crying!" For my country or the ones that I loved? I had already made the decision.

"Listen, Rose." I wiped the tears from my face. "You're going to have to forgive me for this, maybe not now, but some day." I hugged my boy with one arm, with the other I held her. "I love you both, very much. Remember that, if anything."

I put Christopher down, took my drink from the table, and swiftly disappeared into the crowed (crowd). I downed the alcohol-laden drink quickly, ignoring her cries. Rose's and the ship's (You shouldn't use apostrophes with non- living things). It wasn't long before I made my way to the guarded door of the cafeteria. I knew the man, and he let me past with nothing more than a curt nod.

....
I'm sorry that I didn't review the whole post, but I don't think you have any structure problems in the rest of the post. Only pay more attention to punctuation. Good luck. You're style is smooth and flowing without real problems in description and so, it catches focus easily.
I'm back to my YWS after months of disappearance, hoping that I'd gain the immunity of books and quills against the harmful realism of our world.

In case this made no sense, I'm just saying that I'm happy I'm back!




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Thanks for your comments and suggestions. I'll take them into consideration before my next post. :)
"Life cannot give you serenity, but by the same token it cannot take it away."




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:D Welcome. I had fun, reviewing it, actually -.^
I'm back to my YWS after months of disappearance, hoping that I'd gain the immunity of books and quills against the harmful realism of our world.

In case this made no sense, I'm just saying that I'm happy I'm back!




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Gheala wrote::D Welcome. I had fun, reviewing it, actually -.^


Ha, well, I'm glad. :D
"Life cannot give you serenity, but by the same token it cannot take it away."



You are going to love some of your characters because they are you, or some facet of you, and you are going to hate some characters for the same reason.
— Anne Lamott