Tara chapter one *part two!*

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I will re-name this The Fury later. Rated 16+ for violence I guess. It may seem long but it isn't all that long, really.

“Use this now,” A woman’s voice said. An agreeing hum followed. The sounds of bottles clinking and voices woke Tara. Her eyes slowly opened. She wasn’t in the forest, but a medium sized tent, lying on a cot. She was confused as she looked around. Then the memory of Farsto flashed in her mind. She put her hand to her head to touch something smooth wrapped around her head. What if Farsto had taken her here? Didn't he run away though? She looked around then spotted two figures. A man and a woman. Their backs’ were tuned to her at a table on the far end of the tent. The man was stirring something in a small brass bowl as the woman handed him vials of different colored liquids. The woman nudged him as he poured a clear liquid into the bowl.
“I think that’s too much,” the woman said.
“It’s not,” he replied.
“But, if you put too much then it could-“
“I know what it could do.”
The woman put her hands on her hips.
“How do you know?”
The man glared at her.
“’How do I know’? Jess, how many wounds have I healed? How long have I learned medicine? You know, I recall fixing your arm last year, too!”
“Whatever.” The woman, Jess, turned and spotted Tara awake.
“Hey, Blake-“
“Jess, just stop nagging me. I can’t be perfect like you!” he said mockingly.
“Blake-“
“Seriously! Why do you constantly have to-“
Jess clamped her hands on Blake’s shoulders and spun him to her.
“Blake, be quiet for a few minutes! You’re probably scaring the daylights out of the girl!” Jess said, putting a hand out in Tara’s direction. Blake stared for a second then picked up the concoction from the table. Tara's muscles tensed when their eyes fell on her.
“It’s done,” he said quietly.
Jess headed to Tara and squatted by the cot.
“Hey there,” she greeted.
Tara pursed her lips, still touching what was bound to her head.
“That’s gauze if you’re wondering. You had quite a gash on your head. By the way, I’m Jess.”
Tara let out a breath she didn't know she was holding and relaxed a little at what she said.
“I’m Tara."
Jess smiled then motioned Blake over. He knelt by Jess to hand over the bowl.
“What’s this for?” she asked.
“You may have a concussion. It’s just in case. Drink it,” Jess instructed.
“Are you dizzy or anything? No? What about a headache? No? Good but you should still drink it,” Blake said.
Tara looked at the mix and slowly brought the bowl to her lips. As she drank, she studied both Jess and Blake. Jess was young looking with shoulder length blonde hair and bright blue eyes. Her skin had a few pimples and was tanned. She was also tall and skinny.
The man was just a little taller than Tara and looked a little older than her too. He had dark brown curly hair and tanned skin too. He was muscular. His eyes were brown. Two scars were on his face. Two were on his chin and cheek. His hands and arms had multiple scars. Both of them wore sleeveless black garbs with little bronze emblems attached to the shoulders and dark colored pants. They seemed alright.
Then she stopped and coughed after forcing down the disgusting concoction. Blake took back the bowl.
“It always tastes that bad. Don’t worry,” Blake said.
“It tastes like dirty water.”
Blake and Jess laughed.
“So where am I?” she finally asked.
“You’re in The Fury’s camp,” Jess answered.
“The Fury?”
“You know, the Clan?” Jess said raising an eyebrow at Tara’s puzzled expression.
Then it was silent for a second and Jess stood up.
“Well, I’ll see you later, I guess,” she announced.
“Where are you going?” Blake asked.
“I’m going to get Kelly. She told me to get her when our ‘guest’ woke up.”
Blake nodded once and she slipped out of the door of the tent.
“Hey, Blake?”
“Yes?” he turned back to her.
“What is a Clan?” she asked propping herself up by her elbows.
“A Clan is sorta like a group of people who stick together and fight for each other. Some Clans fight for power, those you have to look out for, and others, like us, fight to protect. Once our leader and Co. leader both fought a Clan that captured an entire town. They won of course and set everyone free.”
“Cool.”
“Yeah. But, it happened before I even joined.”
“When did you join?”
“When I was about ten.”
“Ten?”
“Yeah, but I didn’t have my first fight until I was thirteen. That’s a law that the Fury follows,” Blake explained.
“How old are you now?”
“I’m twenty-five. Since you asked me, how old are you?”
“I’m twenty.”
“So, anyway, Kelly is gonna kill me for asking this but… Do you want to join?” he asked.
“Who’s Kelly?”
“Our leader-“
Before Blake could continue, someone came into the tent. Jess had walked back in with an aged woman. The woman had bobbed auburn hair and brown eyes. She was tall, bony, and had a few wrinkles on her pale face. She introduced herself as Kelly. She wore a black garb but with golden emblems and the same dark pants.
Tara noticed that Kelly was glaring at her. She squirmed uncomfortably.
“Thank you, Jess. Why don’t you and Blake step out for a second?” Kelly suggested.
“Ok. Bye Tara,” Blake said as he stood up.
Jess and Blake left. Kelly continued to glare.
“Um…” Tara looked around.
“What are you doing here?” Kelly finally asked.
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me. What are you doing here? You’re a Garnello aren’t you?”
Tara looked down and bowed her head.
“I thought so. Well, I’m waiting for an answer. Shouldn’t you be back with your rich daddy living that pampered life of yours by the sea?” Kelly said coldly.
“Trust me, my life was far from pampered.”
“Oh, is that because the gold was too heavy to carry to the store? You poor little thing.”
Tara flinched at the remark.
“But you don’t even know me!” she said sitting up. Her face turned red with anger. Who did this woman think she was coming in here and talking to her like that?
“Oh, I don’t?” Kelly raised an eyebrow. “You’re Taralyn Garnello, the oldest out of three sisters. You ran away weeks ago for some unknown reason and your father has been furious since. So, I don’t know who you are?”
Tara bit her lower lip.
“I had to get away from there,” she finally said.
“You had to get away? Get away from something as nice as your rich lifestyle? I swear you must be crazy.”
Just as Kelly was about to rant anymore someone else came into the tent. The person was a man who looked about the same age as Kelly. His skin was dark and his hair was short and black mixed with gray. He too wore a black garb but with silver emblems. The man’s eyes were gray. He also had a dark goatee.
Kelly turned her back to Tara.
“Hey, Isaiah,” she greeted when she saw him.
“Kelly, you aren’t terrorizing this young lady are you?” Isaiah asked jokingly in response.
Kelly pursed her lips and changed the subject.
“How did you know I was in here?” she asked.
“Jess warned me. She said you came in here like you always do when you’re skeptical about something,” he answered.
“…Ma’am?” Isaiah said. Tara noticed that he had been trying to get her attention he was staring at her with Kelly.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Tara said.
Kelly sighed and rolled her eyes.
“At least show a little respect. This is the guy who found and brought you out of the forest,” Kelly snapped then grumbled something under her breath.
“Oh excuse me, sir…” Tara looked down. Isaiah noticed her reaction to Kelly’s words.
“Kelly, Blake wanted help with something. Can you help him for me?” Isaiah asked.
“Sure,” Kelly said and headed to the door. Kelly shot a glare at Tara and walked out.
Isaiah turned to watch her leave then turned back to Tara.
“A real delight she is, huh?” Isaiah smirked.
“Uh, are you serious?” Tara kept her eyes on the door.
“Don’t worry she’ll warm up to you. Well if you join anyway,” Isaiah assured.
“Your clan, the fury was it?” Tara asked.
“Yes. By the way I’m Isaiah. Nice to see you awake,” he said.
“Thank you. I’m Tara,” she replied.
Isaiah continued smiling and put his hand out.
“Come on. I wanna see if you can walk,” Isaiah said walking closer. She took his hand and stood. Isaiah walked with her a few steps in case she fell.
“I thought you wouldn’t be able to walk after such a short time,” Isaiah commended.
“How long has it been?” Tara asked.
“Well I found you about three hours ago,” Isaiah answered.
Then a thought ran through her head.
“Hey did I have a sword with me by any chance?” she asked.
Isaiah stopped smiling.
“I did see one. But I had to either bring you or the sword. It’s somewhere still in the forest.”
“Oh...” She tried to hide her disappointment.
That's it for now. Tell me what you think!
~Ladypurple. :D
Last edited by LadyPurple on Sun Oct 03, 2010 6:45 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Hey ladypurple! I am here to review!(: I have no intention of hurting feelings!(:

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ladypurple wrote:I will re-name this The Fury later. Rated 16+ for violence I guess. It may seem long but it isn't all that long, really.

“Use this now,” A woman’s voice said. An agreeing hum followed. The sounds of bottles clinking and voices woke Tara. Her eyes slowly opened. She wasn’t in the forest, but a medium sized tent, lying on a cot. Then the memory of Farsto flashed in her mind. She put her hand to her head to touch something smooth wrapped around her head. She looked around then spotted two figures. A man and a woman. Their backs were tuned to her at a table on the far end of the tent. The man was stirring something in a small brass bowl as the woman handed him vials of different colored liquids. The woman nudged him as he poured a clear liquid into the bowl. I think Tara would be frightened if she woke up and didn't know where she was. Describe her thoughts or what she is doing. Is she planning to run or fight? Or is she frozen with fear? Explain, please.(:
“I think that’s too much,” the woman said.
“It’s not,” he replied.
“But, if you put too much then it could-“
“I know what it could do.”
The woman put her hands on her hips.
“How do you know?”
The man glared at her.
“’How do I know’? Jess, how many wounds have I healed? How long have I learned medicine? You know, I recall fixing your arm last year, too!”
“Whatever.” The woman, Jess, turned and spotted Tara awake.
“Hey, Blake-“
“Jess, just stop nagging me. I can’t be perfect like you!” he said mockingly.
“Blake-“
“Seriously! Why do youconstantly have to-“
Jess clamped her hands on Blake’s shoulders and spun him to her.
“Blake, be quiet for a few minutes! You’re probably scaring the daylights out of the girl!” Jess said, putting a hand out in Tara’s direction. Blake stared for a second then picked up the concoction from the table.What is Tara doing? Ready to fight? Flee? Is she trusting them? Explain, please.(:
“It’s done,” he said quietly.
Jess headed to Tara and squatted by the cot.
“Hey there,” she greeted.
Tara pursed her lips, still touching what was bound to her head.
“That’s gauze if you’re wondering. You had quite a gash on your head. By the way, I’m Jess.”
“I’m Tara.” Is she cautious with her respsonse? Is she shying away from her? Explain.(:
Jess smiled then motioned Blake over. He knelt by Jess to hand over the bowl.
“What’s this for?” she asked.
“You may have a concussion. It’s just in case. Drink it,” Jess instructed.
“Are you dizzy or anything? No? What about a headache? No? Good but you should still drink it,” Blake said.
Tara looked at the mix and slowly brought the bowl to her lips.Again, does she just drink it or does she study it? Is she trusting Blake and Jess or is wary of them? Explain.(: As she drank, she studied both Jess and Blake. Jess was young looking with shoulder length blonde hair and bright blue eyes. Her skin had a few pimples and was tanned. She was also tall and skinny.
The man was just a little taller than Tara and looked a little older than her too. He had dark brown curly hair and tanned skin too. He was built and his eyes were brown. I'm not sure what you meant to say here.Both of them wore sleeveless black garbs with little bronze emblems attached to the shoulders and dark colored pants.
Then she stopped and coughed when she finished the concoction.Did she swallow it quickly or did she force it down? Explain.(: Blake took back the bowl.
“It always tastes that bad. Don’t worry,” Blake said.
“It tastes like dirty water.”
Blake and Jess laughed.
“So where am I?” she finally asked.
“You’re in The Fury’s camp,” Jess answered.
“The Fury?”
“You know, the Clan?” Jess said raising an eyebrow at Tara’s puzzled expression.
Then it was silent for a second and Jess stood up.
“Well, I’ll see you later, I guess,” she announced.
“Where are you going?” Blake asked.
“I’m going to get Kelly. She told me to get her when our ‘guest’ woke up.”
Blake nodded once and she slipped out of the door of the tent.
“Hey, Blake?”
“Yes?” he turned back to her.
“What is a Clan?” she asked propping herself up by her elbows.
“A Clan is sorta like a group of people who stick together and fight for each other. Some Clans fight for power, those you have to look out for, and others, like us, fight to protect. Once our leader and Co. leader both fought a Clan that captured an entire town. They won of course and set everyone free.”
“Cool.”
“Yeah. But, it happened before I even joined.”
“When did you join?”
“When I was about ten.”
“Ten?”
“Yeah, but I didn’t have my first fight until I was thirteen. That’s a law that the Fury follows,” Blake explained.
“How old are you now?”
“I’m twenty-five. Since you asked me, how old are you?”
“I’m twenty.”
“So, anyway, Kelly is gonna kill me for asking this but… Do you want to join?” he asked.
“Who’s Kelly?”
“Our leader-“
Before Blake could continue, someone came into the tent. Jess had walked back in with an aged woman. The woman had bobbed auburn hair and brown eyes. She was tall, bony, and had a few wrinkles on her pale face. She introduced herself as Kelly. She wore a black garb but with golden emblems and the same dark pants.
Tara noticed that Kelly was glaring at her. She squirmed uncomfortably.
“Thank you, Jess. Why don’t you and Blake step out for a second?” Kelly suggested.
“Ok. Bye Tara,” Blake said as he stood up.
Jess and Blake left. Kelly continued to glare.
“Um…” Tara looked around.
“What are you doing here?” Kelly finally asked.
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me. What are you doing here? You’re a Garnello aren’t you?”
Tara looked down and bowed her head.
“I thought so. Well, I’m waiting for an answer. Shouldn’t you be back with your rich daddy living that pampered life of yours by the sea?” Kelly said coldly.
“Trust me, my life was far from pampered.”
“Oh, is that because the gold was too heavy to carry to the store? You poor little thing.”
Tara flinched at the remark.
“But you don’t even know me!” she said sitting up.How does Tara feel about Kelly at the moment? Does she want to punch her in the face? Scream at her? Explain.(:
“Oh, I don’t?” Kelly raised an eyebrow. “You’re Taralyn Garnello, the oldest out of three sisters. You ran away weeks ago for some unknown reason and your father has been furious since. So, I don’t know who you are?”
Tara bit her lower lip.
“I had to get away from there,” she finally said.
“You had to get away? Get away from something as nice as your rich lifestyle? I swear you must be crazy.”
Just as Kelly was about to rant anymore someone else came into the tent. The person was a man who looked about the same age as Kelly. His skin was dark and his hair was short and black mixed with gray. He too wore a black tunic but with silver emblems.The man’s eyes were gray.
Kelly turned her back to Tara.
“Hey, Isaiah,” she greeted when she saw him.
“Kelly, you aren’t terrorizing this young lady are you?” Isaiah said jokingly in response.
Kelly pursed her lips and changed the subject.
“How did you know I was in here?” she asked.
“Jess warned me. She said you came in here like you always do when you’re skeptical about something,” he answered.
“…Ma’am?” Isaiah said. Tara noticed that he had been trying to get her attention he was staring at her with Kelly.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Tara said.
Kelly sighed and rolled her eyes.
“At least show a little respect. This is the guy who found and brought you out of the forest,” Kelly snapped then grumbled something under her breath.
“Oh excuse me sir…” Tara looked down. Isaiah noticed her reaction to Kelly’s words.
“Kelly, Blake wanted help with something. Can you help him for me?” Isaiah asked.
“Sure,” Kelly said and headed to the door. Kelly shot a glare at Tara and walked out.
Isaiah turned to watch her leave then turned back to Tara.
“A real delight she is, huh?” Isaiah smirked.
“Uh, are you serious?” Tara kept her eyes on the door.
“Don’t worry she’ll warm up to you. Well if you join anyway,” Isaiah assured.
“Your clan, the fury was it?” Tara asked.
“Yes. By the way I’m Isaiah. Nice to see you awake,” he said.
“Thank you. I’m Tara,” she replied.
Isaiah continued smiling and put his hand out.
“Come on. I wanna see if you can walk,” Isaiah said walking closer. She took his hand and stood. Isaiah walked with her a few steps in case she fell.
“I thought you wouldn’t be able to walk after such a short time,” Isaiah commented.
“How long has it been?” Tara asked.
“Well I found you about three hours ago,” Isaiah answered.
Then a thought ran through her head.
“Hey did I have a sword with me by any chance?” she asked.
Isaiah stopped smiling.
“I did see one. But I had to either bring you or the sword. It’s somewhere still in the forest.”
“Oh...” She tried to stop looking so disappointed.
That's it for now. Tell me what you think!
~Ladypurple. :D




Okay, I caught minor punctuation errors, but I may have missed some. I'm not good at catching grammar mistakes since I am still learning about it.(:

Description could be improved. It's mainly made up of dialogue in this chapter, no description. The reader is curious of what the character is thinking or her reactions to everything being said. Is Tara confused? Angry? Shocked? The reader wants to know. It also helps us understand your MC. Just by explaining how they react to something could give us another characteristic about Tara. Like if she starts attacking Jess or Blake when she sees them, we know she is fearless. Or when she was talking to Kelly. Was she hurt by the words being said to her or did she brush them off? Did she want to smack Kelly in the face? Tell us. Is she someone who could trust anyone? Or is she more cautious around new people? Please tell us.(:

Other than that, I think it will be an interesting story.(: I hope I helped! If I hurt your feelings, I had no intention of doing so!(:
Katie ^-^




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Hmm.
You truly do need more description and more emotion.
Be constantly asking yourself the important questions- Who, What, When, Where and Why? (And How)
For emotion, thats huge.
What is Tara thinking? Why does she feel this way?
Always be putting yourself in your MC's shoes.

Add all that, and your writing will be truly amazing

~WickedWonder
'We will never believe again, kick drum beating in my chest again, oh, we will never believe in anything again, preach electric to a microphone stand.'

*Formerly wickedwonder*




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I'm gonna work on the description today. So, I'll be back to edit this. Thank you to KR and WickedWonder!
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You're dealing with writers. The words "normal" and "usual occurrence" do not compute.
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When your heart gets pierced with arrows, don't rip them out and pierce those around you in retribution for your hurt. You'll only unnecessarily wound others and bleed to death yourself.
— LadyMysterio