REWRITE OF CHAPTER TWO

Chapter 2 Rewrite

I felt something soft brush against my cheek, and startled into wakefulness. I opened my eyes and glanced around, by pure habit to make sure nothing was threatening me. As I turned I saw something black perched, precariously on the shortest and weakest branch of the tree above me. Focusing on it I saw that it was a black phoenix, on its back was a symbol that was so eerily familiar. Its blue eyes were staring in my own with concern and amazement.

He flew to me and I cringed, not meaning to. I watched as his eyes turned concerned as I whispered, fearfully, hesitantly, "Who are you?"

He looked at me and I gave a light startled movement as he said into my mind, ""I do not have a name as of yet, Drakoyan. My familiar names me."

I glanced at him, uncertain, hesitant, asking, "Am I your familiar?" Some place deep inside me made me say yes, but I wanted to ask. He was watching me silently, and I felt oddly comfortable around him, enough to lower my guard just the slightest. When he gave a weird type of thrill I took it as a yes and pondered, carefully, for a name. Not wanting to name him something that was completely childish and had nothing to do with how he looked. Glancing at his black figure, with the silver markings, and his blue eyes he reminded me so strongly of the night lit by the moon and stars I exclaimed, "How about Moonlight?"

He thrilled happily and I saw Ravena's ears twitch as I could faintly hear the sound of my mother's footsteps. I winced as she appeared, her eyes flashing with rage. She stormed up to me and grabbed my arm roughly, snarling, "You should never run away!! You keep doing it!! Whether you learned your lesson or not!! I guess I'll have to teach you what happens when you keep disobeying us, Maya Drakoyan!!!"

I cringed unable to stop the images that came into my head. A dark room, the walls soundproof so my screams couldn't be heard by anyone on the outside. The cold brown eyes of the Master, as he glared down at my broken body, as red ribbons flowed down my skin and soaking the ground a dark red. My eyes were hollow, dark, and vacant, empty of life as I pulled myself into a tight ball, my hands covering my head, protecting it from whatever was yet to come. I flinched as I heard him rage with fury, "How dare you play with my daughter as if you were of her status!"

I cringed as the pain hit my back once again, the large switch he wielded was no longer brown, it was soaking red, my eyes flickered shut as I could clearly hear Holly's kind voice, calling me to play, her friendly smile. Oh how I wished our secret hadn't been discovered, I could remember her look of terror and grief, the guilt in her eyes. I could distantly hearing her crying out for her father to let me go, that it was her fault, that she had asked me too. Oh how desperate she was to hide our friendship, how innocent she was, how clueless she was to what her father did. Shame burned deep within me as I guiltily wished that we hadn't been friends, but then as he hit me again, that thought was quickly vanished as I held on to seeing her wonderful smile again, once I was free. I welcomed the darkness, my savior to the pain, and thought no more.

Ravena roared with fury and tried to make the Lady let go of me, but she was swiftly kicked away and I could feel tears fill my eyes as I heard her yelp of pain. With a small sob, I let a terrified scream of terror, as I could only think of what the Master would do if he found out I had displeased the Lady once again. I could feel the barely healed wounds on my back almost open back up as she dragged me back to the castle, raging on how it was Holly's birthday and I still hadn't made her cake, that she had requested me to make a few days ago. Her grip was so tight on my wrist, it was turning dark red, I knew it was most likely broken, as overwhelming pain shot up my arm. I cringed, squirming wanting nothing more than to get as far away from the Lady as I could to save myself the pain that would inevitably come. As we entered the castle we passed the guard standing watch, another close friend of mine.

He looked at me and moved forward, bowing to the Lady saying, respectfully, "My Lady, allow me to discipline this wrench. One of such high power such as yourself and the Master, must not have to sully your hands with such filth. With your lead I wish to deal with the matter personally, as your humble servant."

I could scarcely blink before finding myself in his hold as the Lady said, her voice rich and elegant as she told Raiven, "Thank you for your consideration Raiven. Make sure she is disciplined extra hard while I set up the kitchen for her to make Princess Holly's cake."

Raiven's eyes flashed as he bowed, "Yes My Lady. As you wish."

She turned and went inside, as the mighty doors closed with a loud thud he turned to me saying, "Now Maya what a mess you get yourself into. You know better than that to go running into the caves on such an important day for the Drakoyans."

I scowled darkly snapping defiantly, "I was with Malak. I do not care for such a family, they do not need me for anything other than a puppet they can beat up."

Raiven gave me a sharp look saying, his voice dripping with disappointment and tight anger, "You know better than to speak like that young lady! What would Darksilver say if he knew his true heir was speaking in such a way of others? Do you not know not to let the anger and hate consume you?!"

I looked at the ground, my face flushed with shame and guilt as I whispered, "I'm sorry Raiven."

He cupped my chin and forced me to look him in the eyes as he said, his voice soothing, "You're only eight young one, its not your fault you speak in such a way. You have suffered so much but be better than that. Remember Maya your heart is too pure for such evil, never let it consume you."

I nodded as he said to fake being in pain as I headed back inside. I almost froze in fear when I saw the Master's cold eyes on my back. Steeling myself I went into the kitchen and began the daunting task of making the cake. As I worked, Holly snuck into the kitchen and laughed saying, "Maya you've got flour all over you!"

I smiled at her saying, "I know. You must leave, young princess before they enter." My hands carefully placed the cake in the ancient oven allowing the heat to comfort my cold body for a few seconds before closing it and stood back to allow it to rise. I saw from the corners of my eyes Holly quietly looking at me, her eyes sad and hollow as she quickly snuck back out.

As I frosted the cake I heard Holly's scream of fear and rage. I hastily put the frosting aside and ran to see what was going on. She was in the library, holding a letter, her face ash white her hands trembling, almost tearing the letter. I gripped her wrists, forcing her eyes to tear away from the letter and stare into my eyes.

She managed to stutter out, "Y-y-your m-my sis-sister!?"

The Lady roughly snatched the paper from her snarling, "What were you doing looking through my stuff?!"

Her voice was dark, cold, and burning with rage. Her hand was digging into Holly's wrist, causing her to cry in pain. I hissed in anger, a wave of protectiveness swept over me, as I forcefully shoved the Lady and watched as Holly turned to her mother shouting, "HOW COULD YOU SELL HER OFF?! SHE'S YOUR DAUGHTER!"

I went deadly still, somehow I knew she was talking about me. My mind ran almost a hundred miles an hour, so many thoughts and conclusions tumbled through my head that I was scared. Scared to find out what she meant, what that woman had done. Fleeing I ran, ran as fast and far as my legs could take me, collapsing in a heap by a lake, tears streaming down my face, as I cried.

I felt a soft paw brush against my cheek, a flutter of wings as something landed on my shoulder. I sniveled as I looked at my familiars. They stood there with me, comforting me, as I heard the faint murmur of a mysterious young boy's voice, 'I will find you sister. The Realms haven't forgotten your birthright.'

Sniffling I looked up to see Holly walking up, her eyes red and puffy. She was carrying two packs. I could now see that she was very much elegant and strong. A great leader. Her silver eyes were hard and stormy. Her long black hair was tied in an elegant bun, with a strand of her bangs allowed to be free, framing the left side of her face, made her look older, maturer. She handed me a pack saying, "You were my sister. My twin. I always knew I could trust you. I hid it from my parent's as well as I could."

I nodded whispering, "Why me? Why is it always me?" My voice was tinged with sadness, of despair.

She sighed sitting beside me, resting her head against my shoulder whispering softly, comfortingly, "You're the Soulkana, Maya. They didn't want equality with creatures, they wanted to break you and when they couldn't they were going to send you to the only other option, Vengeance Elves."

I let out a small cry of fear as she wrapped me in her arms tightly, offering comfort and shelter whispering, "This time I will protect you. I won't let them take you! You're the only hope left for the us. You're my twin, my other half. I will not let them have my sister!!"

I cried softly, both of fear and joy, I had a family! I felt her tense as I felt, distantly, the presence of Malak, getting nearer. I felt him lay his hand on my back. Holly hissed, not knowing he was not an enemy. I dried my hands on my tattered sleeve, and stood saying to Malak, "You should've told her who you were before touching me, sir."

He smiled, his emerald eyes sparkling, as he turned to Holly saying, "My dearest apologizes Madam, my name is Malak Ålin Drakoyan, Maya's figurative father figure."

Holly went still and was silent muttering softly, "Is he speaking the truth, sister?"

I nodded, allowing my arms to wrap around him, giving him a short hug before grasping Holly's hand and saying, "Yes he is. He saved me."

She nodded and Malak, grabbed our hands and lead us to the caves, saying, "I think it's time we all had a nice talk about what's to come."

*Edited, with a public apology that my first review was rude and inconsiderate.*

Hiya Soulkana!

This story is very creative, and that is an aspect I do like about it. However, there are some big literary no-no's that you should break the habit of as soon as possible.

Repitition
Repitition of words, and words with similar meanings, will made your reader quite bored. It's like eating chocolate cake. The first one is good. The second one isn't as good. The third one makes you feel a bit sick. Even if you change the flavours a little, it's still too much. The main one that stands out in this piece is the repeition of 'rage' and 'anger.'

The eyes
Eyes are powerful things, which is probably why a lot of writers like refering to them in their stories. The trouble is that too many writers do this. As with above, once you see one person do it it's good, but then it gets worse. Because so many writers do this, it's a cliche technique and something that's best avoided, or at least limited.

Names
Being creative with names is good, but abstract nouns and colours, or words that sound like them, don't make good names. Your characters name should be something simple, and easy to remember. Abstract nouns are usually powerful, and constantly having those words repeated every time you need to use your characters name is tiring to your reader.

The title
A lot of stories are based around the simple idea of one person being the orical, or destined one. To pull this idea off you need to introduce it more subtly than having it in the title. For example, the story of Cinderella a common theme in novels, but it wouldn't be good if every novel was entitled 'A cinderella story.'

Inconsistency
There's a few inconsistencies. The one that stands out the most to me is when the mother is attacked by a tiger, but then suddenly turns around to yell at her daughter. Logically she would be in a lot of pain, so it would be harder for her to talk. If her hatred of her daughter is so great that she ignores the pain, you should mention or show this in your story.

These are just simple things that you need to remind yourself to avoid. As I said in the first review, simply talking to other writers, reading their work and checking out the 'writers tips' forum, is a good way to avoid common mistakes.

Keep writing. Practice makes perfect

I'm back again

I tried to hide behind the tiger as my mother’s angry voice echoes should be ‘echoed’ if you’re keeping this past tense through the damp forest air. My memories of her were all filled with pain and I didn’t want to leave my freedom in the forest.

Moonlight’s shocking blue eyes seemed to blaze with rage as my mother came up, stomping and fuming in her rage. Her eyes, the very twins of mine, were hard with anger.

I shrank back in fear, feeling Moonlight attacking my mother, his talons clawing at her face. Shrieking with rage my mother tried to pull him away, but he flew out of her rage.

“MAYA the caps here is unnecessary your twin needs you to cook her breakfast, after all its it’s her 8th eighth birthday. comma” My lowercase my mother said coldly, grabbing my arm roughly.

Trembling comma I looked back to see Moonlight and Ravena Who’s Ravena? The tiger? You never gave us her name before sitting or perching watching with sad, raged filled eyes. I turned and ran ahead of my mother, my dark black hair bouncing as I entered the house saying respectfully to my twin, Holly,” I’m sorry I wasn’t here to make you breakfast sooner, young Drakoyan.” If they are twins, why would she refer to her sister as young? It even seems like her sister is superior to her.

My twin’s icy mercury eyes icy and mercury kind of contradict each other. Icy red? Cold fire? I don’t really like it. turned furious as she smacked me, sending me crashing hard to the ground. “Who do you think you are, stupid servant, to insult me!!?” she demanded, her voice sharp as a knife. You could really be taking advantage of first person here. Tell us how you felt the sting of her slap. The tingle of your skin, like it was being pricked with tiny needles. Say how you could almost feel the pinkness it left behind. You explain nothing, simply narrate. If you’re not going to take advantage of first person narrative, why not just use third? I think it would be easier, and you wouldn’t have to keep changing perspectives with every chapter to focus on a new character.

My golden eyes filled with tears as I finally screamed at her,” I’M YOUR TWIN!!!! MY NAME IS MAYA FIRESOUL DRAKOYAN.” The caps lock and excessive exclamation points is kind of a beginner way of writing, in my opinion. How often do you see it in books?

Her eyes filled with tears as the bond that had been sealed away shattered, allowing her to feel that truth of my words. My golden eyes were full of rage and bitterness at our parents, for the curse they had placed on me.

Trembling she turned as shouted at my mother,” She was my twin!!? How could you treat her like that, SHE”S YOUR DAUGHTER TOO!!!” Hold on, how could they not know they were twins? Wouldn’t it be obvious? I mean, all they have to do is look at each other. Or maybe there aren’t mirrors or reflections in your world…

I turned and ran, not wanting to hear the reply my mother would give that could possibly lessen the pain in my heart, or take away the undistinguished hatred I held for my parents.

Sitting on the stump in the backyard my twin came up to me. This feels like a time jump. First you’re running, and now already you’re being approached by your sister. Shouldn’t you at least explain how you collapsed on the stump, shedding years worth of pent up tears? How you were so consumed in your emotions that you failed to notice your sister approach you until her hand was on your shoulder? You take out all the moments in your story that could contain emotional value. She had long black hair, just like mine, but hers was curly compared to my straight hair. Her eyes were beautiful metallic mercury gray as mine were a metallic golden. Her pale skin was only so that it rivaled a dove while mine rivaled those of the vampires I don‘t think rivaled is the right word. Perhaps resembled?. On her left check was a beautiful swirled design that marked out family. On mine was the same mark but with a beautiful phoenix in the center, it was colored dark red and let off an eerie and odd silver sheen.

“Tell me everything you know about our past comma Holly,” I whispered, my longing to know our past making me hurt with the knowledge that I should have learned this much sooner. Not when our fates were beginning to fall into place.

Holly looked at me smiling softly,” Our family is the last of an Ancient Society called The Protectors, and also known as the Soulkana. You are the chosen one to receive the heritage needed to unite the worlds together, bringing equality to all creatures and humans. Your powers are active, they’ve always been. You are too precious to our world, but our parents didn’t want to have such a child, they didn’t want to have equality with the creatures.” Why not? What made their parents feel that way? Just because of hate?

I stared at the sky, my eyes filled with tears of despair and anguish, I was someone who was to become needed, I was the only one that could protect the creatures so misunderstood.

“You will not be alone on this quest, my beloved twin.” Holly said as she handed me a pack, shouldering hers on her back. I took it carefully, looking at its color, a deep rich golden fabric. I should've mentioned this sooner, but Holly has had quite an attitude change. My first impression was that she was cruel; after all she was yelling at her sister. Now, she seems loving and caring. Completely opposite from what you started with. Why this sudden change?

Turning I saw Ravena and Moonlight rush up to me. Their eyes full of worry and anger as they looked at Holly Why are they so darned worries and furious all the time? They just met! And if they were so worried, why didn‘t they just stay by her side and protect her like they promised? That doesn‘t make any sense to me. “Don’t period she’s not the person I thought she was, period she didn’t know anything.”

Moonlight perched on my shoulder thrilling as I looked at him, I was thinking that phoenixes are rather large, and probably would be too heavy for a little girl to have hanging on her shoulder. ” The vampires want to give you a gift for your journey comma Maya, The Soulkana. As the Ashang I shall protect and serve you as your destiny phoenix.”

Ravena bowed her head saying,” And so will I comma Maya.”

I nodded, a bit perplexed as one of the older vampires approached me, his luminous red eyes taking me in, staring at me intently.

Overall, I like this. But it seems so similar to your other stories. You use the same names, there are references to twins, and evil parents. It’s just an observation of mine. The only reason I mention it is because you need to be very careful to make sure each of your characters, no matter what story they are in, are perfectly unique. I’m seeing a lot of similarities with yours.

I think it would flow much better if you wrote this in third person, because the switching back and forth with perspectives kind of depletes the purpose of using first person. If you are going for more of a well rounded, big picture story, an omniscient view is your best shot. I would really consider rewriting this that way, but I know that would take a lot of time. Still, you might want to consider it.

I’m confident that this story, that ALL of your stories have potential, but right now it’s just kind of hard to overlook all the common mistakes. Being on this site can help you improve immensely, because you can take advantage of talking to other writers. The Writing Resource section on this site has especially helped me, and I highly suggest that you check it out. I have most the articles saved on my laptop for easy reference, and I go to them often. I still have many things that I mess up on, but I know that I am LOADS better off than how I was years ago.

I hope I helped! If you have any questions about any of my reviews, let me know!

~black sheep